Fed up with

[AVFC4eva]

This is not really a AIBU but didn't know where else to put it.

Husband and I have three kids, aged 11, 9 and 7. We both work full time. We live a half hour hour drive from each set of grandparents. Our respective siblings have children and live a lot nearer to the grandparents. We moved as we couldn't afford to buy in the area and at the time our jobs were not in that direction.

My brother-in-law (sister's husband) has done very well for himself and they have always had a comfortable life. Recently this has ramped up a gear and they are going away as a family, couple and with friends about five times this year. One of the factors in them doing so well is that the grandparents literally do so much for them and have since forever. They do all the wrap around childcare, saving them thousands. This has meant that they have been able to pursue their careers and really commit to climbing the ranks.

We saw them two weeks ago and my sister has a new handbag that was bought on a recent holiday to Rome. It cost £4,500. She was flashing it about and saying things like I'll have to get it out the house insurance and oh, it's cost the same as our city break to Paris in the summer. I just stand by and drink my coffee but there is absolutely no acknowledgement of the fact that we cannot afford a holiday this year, my job contract ends in February and my husband is looking for a new job as his contract ends this month.

I know it sounds like jealousy. It's just the fact that me and my husband also work hard and don't catch a break at all. We have no childcare help, no nights out for a break. Nothing. Theres so many more facets to this story but if I go into detail it'd be outing.

I have told my husband that I need some distance from my siblings and his as I cannot take the lack of self awareness. A conversation with his sister at the weekend, I'd say 90% of the conversation was about her, her job, her holidays, her new car and not one question about how we are doing.

Sorry didn't finish the subject ! Fed up with family!!

Anyone?

Sorry OP but I just post honestly, therefore IMHO, it is envy.

Edit - tell them how you feel re their life style and I bet you they will stop, - your choice as they may fall out with you

It's the lack of support from grandparents and the lack of self awareness from them. That's what gets me. But I take your point.

If you want to distance yourself from your family, that’s your call. But it’s not fair of you to try to angle to distance your husband’s relationship with his family because of your jealousy. It ultimately isn’t their fault that your lives took different directions, that you chose to have three children which was always going to be costly, and that you and DH chose different and less lucrative career paths and moved away from grandparents so can’t benefit from help with childcare.

So this is both his sister and your sister?

You feel aggrieved that you chose to move, which has made life more expensive because you don’t have the option of free childcare.

And you want to further distance yourself from both families because several family members have the same behaviour and have a lifestyle you want?

Is there a chance that this is more about you regretting the decision to move away? And you are maybe being a bit over sensitive and over reacting to the things they talk about?

Its their choice as its their life

Have you asked for help and what have they said

If she can afford a holiday to Rome and a £4500 bag, it’s not cause of the vast amounts of money they are saving from wrap around childcare. She’d be able to afford it anyway. You aren’t in this position because they have free childcare and you don’t. Jealousy isn’t a nice quality. They lack self awareness and you are full of envy, neither side is perfect here.

Yanbu to be annoyed with your sister being insensitive about your different circumstances and talking mainly about herself.

yabu to resent your parents providing regular childcare for your sister and BILs’ DC who are local to them when you chose to move away. Hard for your parents to ‘equalise’ things.

I can understand. We have the opposite problem, we have had to downplay doing well, how nice are holidays are because sil and her husband fucked their lives up by thinking they were going to inherit a fortune, a big house and a "social position," from his parents. so sil hasnt had a proper job since the mid 90s and is over retirement age now and he is a hopeless drunk. It still hasn't happened mil in a nursing home for the last 10years so no money coming!
However, when we buy new cars (we used to run a business and I believe appearances are important, as are reliable vehicles) or my wife actually spends some money on herself, sil goes crying to my wife's mother how it's not fair! And mil makes wife feel.guilty for working hard, putting money away!!

So is your house big enough for grandparents to come and stay? To baby sit for evening?

Because an hour and a half away is too far for regular. Childcare. There isn’t a lack of support from grandparents.

You chose to live away. Which means to chose to step away from any practical support. I made the same decision as you. So I get it. And I am a single parent. But framing it as though the grandparents fault is unreasonable.

9/10 if we ask, they are already pre-booked with the other grandkids.

I think that it's the fact they've had souch help which has enabled their careers. Without that daily, constant level of support they would not have the careers and therefore wages they have.

It's not just during the week, but weekends also.

I just don't like the constant references to money, their latest holiday, their new car/kitchen/garden being constantly mentioned when my partner doesn't have a job in a few weeks. I just find that lack of awareness and frankly boastful attitude really off putting.

Yabu also to ascribe the high earner’s career success to their getting a lot of free childcare. It could well have contributed, but there are a lot of factors in career progression.

Never at any point did I say it was the grandparents fault. They live 30 minutes away but in opposite directions.

Ok, thanks
As I said and I only post honestly and do not want to hurt you but asked here and expect people to be honest

Therefore, their choice, ie grandparents

Re you rich family - two choices, dont speak to them or tell them and they wont speak to you

I have two very wealthy siblings - we are only financially comfortable and fyi have more than one property all paid of for - I am always really happy to see my siblings and their family doing well and this would have been still the case if we only had one property and a mortgage on it

we worked on average 50 hours a week plus 1 hours lunch unpaid and almost two hours travelling and had three kids and parents lived far away - we never paid a penny in interest other than mortgages and cleared those quickly - so keep working hard, be pleased for your family and within a few years you will be at an easier life as kids grown up

It is your choice but my strongly recommend is never be jealous of anyone, let alone family

I think you should not surround yourself with them, because they will not understand what it's like to be in your shoes - making your mental health decline.

Your kids won't be little forever, and you soon will be able to career focused.

Sorry OP but I think YABU, what did you expect? That you moved further away and grandparents would not help out any siblings that lived nearby? Very unreasonable.

I've decided to just have some distance from them all. I don't wish them any bad luck. They've worked hard and have taken risks which have paid off. It just sucks that we can't go away even for a weekend this year and they're jetting off here there and everywhere.

No shortage of empathy here is there.

I'm finding life really tough right now. I genuinely wish I'd not bothered.

I don't think it's unreasonable to just want some more support or help, even if it's a telephone call. We get nothing.

This.

Then, YAalsoBU with this

I just stand by and drink my coffee but there is absolutely no acknowledgement of the fact that we cannot afford a holiday this year

Why ?
Why wouldn't you say something at that point ?

OP, you can call them and I'm sure they will answer, talk, put your mind at rest

what about the in-laws?

At the end of the day it’s their life and this is yours and ultimately it’s your fault you moved far etc. it’s also your job choice. If you devoted your life to what they have and got more permanent career instead of temp you may not be in this situation.

I feel like this sometimes however I don’t want people to shut up about their lives just cause I can’t live the same way.

I feel your pain and it's really unfair that your siblings are benefitting from free childcare and you're not. Have you spoken to the grandparents? My MIL virtually brought up my BIL's children, while he and his wife worked full time. They also took extravagant holidays as a couple, leaving the children with her for a few weeks at a time. Consequently she never had any free time to get to know my DC. My own mum is no longer here.

To be honest OP, I think that your family members are being self absorbed. They must know your circumstances regarding finances, and they do not temper how they talk around you, regarding that. It is poor behaviour on their part, I would say.

Is this your BIL, OP?

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=U8Kum8OUTuk

UTV!