Fed up with

[AVFC4eva]

This is not really a AIBU but didn't know where else to put it.

Husband and I have three kids, aged 11, 9 and 7. We both work full time. We live a half hour hour drive from each set of grandparents. Our respective siblings have children and live a lot nearer to the grandparents. We moved as we couldn't afford to buy in the area and at the time our jobs were not in that direction.

My brother-in-law (sister's husband) has done very well for himself and they have always had a comfortable life. Recently this has ramped up a gear and they are going away as a family, couple and with friends about five times this year. One of the factors in them doing so well is that the grandparents literally do so much for them and have since forever. They do all the wrap around childcare, saving them thousands. This has meant that they have been able to pursue their careers and really commit to climbing the ranks.

We saw them two weeks ago and my sister has a new handbag that was bought on a recent holiday to Rome. It cost £4,500. She was flashing it about and saying things like I'll have to get it out the house insurance and oh, it's cost the same as our city break to Paris in the summer. I just stand by and drink my coffee but there is absolutely no acknowledgement of the fact that we cannot afford a holiday this year, my job contract ends in February and my husband is looking for a new job as his contract ends this month.

I know it sounds like jealousy. It's just the fact that me and my husband also work hard and don't catch a break at all. We have no childcare help, no nights out for a break. Nothing. Theres so many more facets to this story but if I go into detail it'd be outing.

I have told my husband that I need some distance from my siblings and his as I cannot take the lack of self awareness. A conversation with his sister at the weekend, I'd say 90% of the conversation was about her, her job, her holidays, her new car and not one question about how we are doing.

Anyone flashing a £4500 bag is rather crass imo. My db is far wealthier than us - he has a Cambridge degree in economics and works in hedge funds. I’m in the nhs and on a good banding but not comparable. The difference is db never makes me feel less than. If you had that kind of money would you actually want that life op?

They can’t really help as much if you’re half an hour away, although I get why you moved. It is hard but it’s not really anyone’s fault. If I were in their position I would try to have more tact though.

I empathise with you. We are 45 min away from pil. They were never particularly hands on with ds which I was slightly hurt by but assumed they weren't that into children. Until Dn was born. Sil and bil live a couple of streets away from pil and from day 1 have had a lot of childcare. This has enabled sil and bil to work full time and progress in their careers. We rarely had childcare as often they have dn and don't want both together. This is despite the fact that sil has bils parents and siblings to share child care and we have no one else.

I use to resent sill and bil with their money and support. But I've learnt to accept it and I feel better for doing si

I can relate to the childcare aspect and what I did was pull away completely. I never ask for any help. Have raised my children solely alongside my partner. Take full credit for how bloody amazing they are too and rather enjoy that I can.

What did they say when you told them you felt like you need some emotional support?

How can the grandparents look after your children if you chose to move away from the area?
If you had stayed near to them, would your careers have progressed to the same extent?
I think that some careers have better earning potential and prospects than others and that you and your DH’s career choice is probably less lucrative.

However, I agree how insensitive your sister is, bragging about her expensive handbags and holidays in front of you.

You could distance yourselves a little or call them out when they start bragging.
Make it light hearted if possible to avoid any fallout.

By distancing yourself, you’ll have even less of a chance of support. You can turn this around for the better.

Get in touch with your in laws and ask when they might be able to have your children for a day or evening next, have some quality time with your husband.

You might not be able to get on holiday this year but that doesn’t mean you should sabotage other parts of your life and I really don’t mean that to sound harsh, no good will come from what you’re proposing and may make you feel even worse. I really think it’s worth a try and turning it round!

You have moved half an hour away from your parents. It’s unreasonable of you to expect them to travel an hour round trip to offer you regular childcare. I’m sure if you didn’t move then things would be different. But you did so you can’t hold it against them.

You sound envious of your sisters financial circumstance. It’s not her fault how much money she has so stop holding it against her.

😂🤣😂🤣😂🤣🤣😂🤣

I wouldn't be envious of them, they sound about as classy as an Iceland pizza.

Im sorry you are having a hard time. It does sound really unfair. If it was me I'd be calling my mum and saying I'm having a really hard time mum can we go for a coffee and have a chat. And explain more about what's going on. If you are more connected she might be able to put herself in your position a bit more. Your DH could do the same with his parents. If I want a night out I will take the kids to my parents to make it easier for them and book several weeks in advance.

I kind of get it, Op. Pp's sre saying you are envious and it's true but in these circumstances i don't think you're completely Aibu being envious. Have you ever asked gp's for help and what has been their response? A 30 minute car journey isn't like the other side of the country. I understand you're worried about money but I wouldn't say anything to the flashy sil/sis because that will look like jealousy. Some people like her have no filters/self awareness.

I understand your annoyance with her bragging about her expensive handbag but people only mention prices when they want to make others feel inferior. I think bragging behaviour is quite pathetic.

The help they get from grandparents is a different issue. It is OK for you to feel like your life is worse because you haven't been given the same opportunities

I'm going against the grain but of course you are going to be envious @AVFC4eva .
It is difficult watching people live seemingly easy lives whilst you are struggling and your sister is not only tone deaf but completely classless. There is no way I would be flashing a fancy hand bag around when I knew my sister was struggling financially.
At the end of the day they can have as many holidays and handbags as they like but a little bit of understanding with regards to your situation would go a very long way.
Also, you live 30 minutes away from your parents? It takes me about that length of time to get to my nearest supermarket....they are being utterly pathetic if they are using you 'moving away ' as an excuse not to spend time with you.
I would be distancing myself from all of them.

£4500 on a handbag?? What a waste of money no matter how much money you have. Does she know a £50 one works just as well? I can't get over spending that on a little bag - and telling everyone the price is really crass.

I dont have a handbag i have a back pack that my son was gonna put in the bin.
I work i dont own i rent from HA.
But i feel richer than anyone.

Yanbu op. 30 min away and they can't find the time to offer you some childcare? That's grossly unfair. My dps are 9000 miles away and they come over 2x a year to come spend time and really help us with the dc. My siblings who live closer get to benefit from having them closer and they help my dps out more too as well. Your parents are not only treating you unfairly but they have clearly made this distinction between the GC too. Putting your situation aside, anyone who speaks with throwing around money, brands and names I would just give a wide swerve. Actually the cheek of her complaining about her morning when your dp are doing the actual parenting. Well they need to be the ones there for your parents when they need them later on.

Oh blah blah with all the Puritan rubbish

Envy, jealousy, etc. Give me a break.

You're allowed to be envious op, life ain't fair and they are rubbing it in. Your sister should have more bloody empathy.

I look around me at all the family support that people have ane it makes a huge difference to your income/work life balance.

If the grandparents do all the leg work, then yes, you can work harder and earn more. It eases the load in so many ways.

so keep working hard, be pleased for your family

^

Who are you, the friggin Pope or what?

And the op says in the original post that they moved because they can't afford to live near the GPS. Out of necessity. I

feel you, op.