Fed up with

[AVFC4eva]

This is not really a AIBU but didn't know where else to put it.

Husband and I have three kids, aged 11, 9 and 7. We both work full time. We live a half hour hour drive from each set of grandparents. Our respective siblings have children and live a lot nearer to the grandparents. We moved as we couldn't afford to buy in the area and at the time our jobs were not in that direction.

My brother-in-law (sister's husband) has done very well for himself and they have always had a comfortable life. Recently this has ramped up a gear and they are going away as a family, couple and with friends about five times this year. One of the factors in them doing so well is that the grandparents literally do so much for them and have since forever. They do all the wrap around childcare, saving them thousands. This has meant that they have been able to pursue their careers and really commit to climbing the ranks.

We saw them two weeks ago and my sister has a new handbag that was bought on a recent holiday to Rome. It cost £4,500. She was flashing it about and saying things like I'll have to get it out the house insurance and oh, it's cost the same as our city break to Paris in the summer. I just stand by and drink my coffee but there is absolutely no acknowledgement of the fact that we cannot afford a holiday this year, my job contract ends in February and my husband is looking for a new job as his contract ends this month.

I know it sounds like jealousy. It's just the fact that me and my husband also work hard and don't catch a break at all. We have no childcare help, no nights out for a break. Nothing. Theres so many more facets to this story but if I go into detail it'd be outing.

I have told my husband that I need some distance from my siblings and his as I cannot take the lack of self awareness. A conversation with his sister at the weekend, I'd say 90% of the conversation was about her, her job, her holidays, her new car and not one question about how we are doing.

Ah @AVFC4eva that's really tough. Do the grandparents really do nothing at all to help you? Nothing? Half an hour is not far. Could you drop the kids with them for a weekend while you and DH do something cheap and cheerful ? What would they say if you asked them?

If they genuinely choose to treat you and your sister differently that's awful. Well it is in real life, on mumsnet people are very odd about help from grandparents!

Things like this cause division that crosses over into the next generation. Cousins resentful of each other because of their differing experiences, grandparents closer to some grandchildren than others. It's wrong. I will always do my absolute best to treat my kids fairly, and there's eight of them so it won't be easy! But I couldn't bear for one of my children to grow up and feel Like you do now.

When you move away you have to accept the consequences! My DB and SIL lived in the same village as both sets of grandparents…I lived hundreds of miles away. DB and SIL had so much childcare support and no issues with career progression because of it…I ended up leaving work to be sole carer to my DD who due to complex needs couldn’t access formal childcare where I live.

They became very wealthy, I very definitely am not. I don’t resent them or the grandparents though! And I could have moved back decades ago if I’d wanted to, but I much prefer my (simple) life here. You could move closer if you truly wanted to. If you aren’t in a good place with your sister, and want to pull back, that’s your choice but don’t put pressure on your husband to do the same, that’s so unfair.
Life is so short - don’t end up regretting not spending time with family.

I think you need to get ahead of the game and book in some random dates that the GPs do have free at random times in the year for some date nights. Take anything, even if it's months away. You'll feel better for having something booked in.

I'm surprised by so many responses "you chose to move so far away".

30mins is no distance at all really. We are 4-5h from our in laws and I'm really grateful, they visit every couple of months to help out, especially since we had dc2.

SIL lives 30min from them, and is expecting a baby, and I expect they'll be seeing her nearly everyday, or certainly as often as she wants them. 30min is so near!

So I'm mostly yanbu but my only slight yabu is you chose to have 3 kids... nothing wrong with that and I admire big families but it does make people less likely to want to babysit. Even since we've had dc2 I've sensed that we'll get less babysitting help. It's just much harder looking after more than one at once

Edit for typos

I agree with ladykenya, the sheer lack of awareness from them all blabbing on about money would be crass enough, without the facts of your own current situation. Really thoughtless at best, pure nasty show offs at worst. I feel bad for you, I don't think you sound jealous, i think they sound awful, wafting their wealth in your face while youre struggling, horrible. For your own mental health, I would take a step back from them for a bit lass. Good luck with it all xx

With respect OP, I think there’s a bit of transference going on here. You are understandably worried about DH’s job and feeling anxious about your financial situation. But you’re turning the blame onto your families and it’s hardly their fault.

Once this tricky period has passed, you’ll want to be with them again so I wouldn’t fall out now.

In the meantime, you have three lovely children, a solid husband, presumably your own home? They may feel envious of you! No handbag or holiday matches up to that.

I hope the jobs work out and that you feel better soon.

You didn’t say anything in your OP about just wanting a telephone call of support from family. You listed envy about their successful careers, their frequent holidays, their luxury purchases, the family childcare they have help with because they live close by and you chose to move away. So that’s what people here will respond to.

Your life does sound quite miserable. And they should absolutely phone you more, if that’s what you’d like and have asked for. But I doubt you actually want other people agreeing with that, do you? You want them to knock your family members - and what people are pointing out is that that knocking isn’t due, your problems aren’t their doing or fault.

I'm a teacher with 20 years behind me. My current role is a temporary contract.

This, it's this!!! It's not a morning drop off here and a collection there. It's Mon-Fri morning and after school, every week, for three children.

Nowhere have I said I'm putting pressure on my husband to pull away from his family.

And we live 20 miles away.....

Envy and jealousy are the nastiest emotions. Comparison is the thief of joy. Your OP sounds jealous and like you don’t really like them very much. On that basis YABU

your subsequent posts sound like it’s more that they don’t support you or seem very interested in your life or your DC. YANBU to be upset by that. I would focus on the lack of support for you, not them flaunting their lifestyle.

stop comparing yourself to them. But also ignore their attempts to make you do that. The £4,500 handbag thing I just couldn’t understand. It sounds like sis wanted everyone to coo over it. You don’t need to give her that satisfaction. If someone did that to me I’d take the royal p*ss out then for spending so much on something so ridiculous as a handbag. TBH she does sound quite self obsessed and narcissistic.

If it makes you feel better, remind yourself that the things they are flaunting - cars, holidays, handbags- can all be got on credit. They may not really have as much money as they like to make out.

with the GPs and childcare. 30 mins isn’t that far. I find it hard to believe the distance is why you aren’t getting their support. Is your sis the Golden Child? When you ask for their help, or try to talk to them about your life and worries what do they say?

@AVFC4eva I support you 100%

Unlike others, I don’t see jealously, I see mild envy. Not of what your sister has, but the fact that she’s bragging left right and centre, with total disregard to your feelings, and getting help from grandparents she is not willing to share to level playing field.

I’m saddened for you that your sister doesn’t recognise that she is selfish. I sympathise because after years of emotional abuse I am going NC with my three sibs. I was heartbroken a month ago but now I am free of them and their bullshit

Back to you OP: I don’t blame you. Back away from anyone who makes you feel bad about yourself. Be like Bob (Marley) and emancipate yourself from mental slavery. You owe it to yourself

Good luck 💐

#teamAVFC4eva 😇
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#LUFCaremy2ndteam

Honestly I completely get your point. It may well be envy but what’s so unreasonable about that? We are in a very similar position except youngest is now 15 and oldest is 22. We had our 2nd night away without children in January this year. Wrap around care while we both worked? Nope never offered. Fil refused to babysit for us while he bloody lived with us!!!

I think someone flashing a £4500 handbag has got issues, telling people the price of something is vulgar and rude. They’re probably really in shit loads of debt to present such a wealthy front.

get yourself a 45 quid handbag and tell her they both hold the same fucking lipstick 🤣

Your sister sounds awful and massively intensive to wang on about her ridiculous bag.

Her '£4500' bag is probably one of those knock-offs you get from markets in most tourist cities.

And anyone with any money, class or style at all doesn't ever, ever, ever boast about what somethings costs. If they think that is what something is worth they definitely wouldn't think about boasting about it, as it would be normal to them.

@AVFC4eva your sister is a liar.

I guess it's just be nice to have some slack sometimes. It's the sheer lack of awareness. She was going on the other day about how stressful her mornings are getting up, having a coffee and shower then leaving the house. What are her kids doing? My parents are there from 7am sorting out lunches, uniform etc. it just makes me laugh. They're like the hired help while she swans off in the car with a coffee.

there is absolutely no acknowledgement of the fact that we cannot afford a holiday this year, my job contract ends in February and my husband is looking for a new job as his contract ends this month.
Do they actually know about these things? If so, what did they say when you told them?

Of course they know. They are all going on holiday together in the summer but we cannot go with them. They also know about the job situation. They just don't give a sh1t.

I think you’re right to distance yourself from your sister, her lack of self awareness and bragging makes her sound like someone who is very undesirable to be around. If she notices maybe you’ll consider telling her in a constructive way and see if there is any positive change to the way she interacts with you.

Can you have a proper conversation with the GP about them helping out more on a regular basis? Explain it makes you feel sad that they don’t see their GC much and what you’re struggling with, I’d avoid mentioning their relationship with other family members though as really it’s none of anyone else’s business.

I’m always a bit 🙄 with people who rely so heavily on their parents to be honest. Obviously some childcare is fine but the ones who simply cannot function in their adult lives without their parents’ help every single day are a bit…pathetic, to be honest.

I just couldn’t ask my parents or in-laws to sacrifice their well-earned retirement in this way and to such an extent. One woman I know has her parents do all their childcare. They drop off and pick up the kids from school every single day without fail. And yet their daughter complains bitterly on the rare occasions they dare to take a holiday - “what are we supposed to dooooo??”. I dunno maybe put your hand in your pocket and pay for wraparound like the rest of us..?

My mum has friends who do the bulk of the childcare for their grandkids and whilst they clearly love the children, it’s hard. It’s a burden/chore. They are too tired. But they don’t feel able to say anything. I think a lot of parents make the mistake of assuming that the grandparents should feel honoured to care for the children but I think in many cases reality kicks in and the novelty wears off quickly. Who really wants to be chasing a two year old around day in, day out when they’re 65-odd?

And before anyone accuses me of jealousy, we could have done it that way. My in-laws are round the corner and said they were happy to help. They are good people, who often put themselves second, but it didn’t feel right to put that huge responsibility on to them. They’ve done their time and should be free from these responsibilities now. They genuinely enjoy our kids when they have them (which is not often) and it’s not a burden to them. I’d hate for my children to be a chore or a burden on anyone. Who’d want that?

That's why we don't ask because both sets of grandparents do so much in the week for our siblings, it just feels tight to ask for some help at the weekend for a night out. The one time we sis ask the in laws for help when the middle one was small, they said they couldn't as the traffic would have been very heavy.

Irony is they moan about having the other kids saying it's too much and we're not going to help them out this weekend. Next thing we know the sister and brother-in-law are off abroad for a long weekend in may and they have the kids again for three nights.

Your parents sound awful to be honest. Surely they can see that it seems like they favour your sister? Have you spoken to them about it?

Mmm, I can understand why you feel aggrieved with the lack of childcare which you aren't being offered, DHs DB gets weekly childcare and overnights every other week and has done for 8 years, yet we can count on one hand when we've asked for help (which they've been happy to do, they just don't offer) in the last 13 years. However, we did choice to live 1.5 hours away rather than 15 minutes away.
From DHs family's perspective of our family life, materially we possibly look as if we have a high standard of living, 2 naice cars, I have good handbags, clothes, kids in numerous after school clubs, I've taken a career break this year. Yet, only a few years ago we were really struggling financially, my health (cancer diagnosis) was awful and it's just with my DHs work mentality we are now reaping the results of his hard work with my support.
I suppose what I'm saying is things aren't always how they look.

Have your siblings always been treated so differently? Your parents sound like they have no boundaries in place to either enjoy their retirement, build their own social life or see ALL of their children and grand children. It sounds like you have a parent and sibling problem and yes of course that will make you feel envious and excluded.

The stately homes thread might be of help as many of us have family problems and are forced to be no contact or low contact. I’m currently no contact with all of my siblings and very low contact with my parents.

If I was you yes I would stop contact and see what happens and if your sister notices or if things improve. As for your DH and his family that’s up to him to deal with not you.

And btw half an hour away is no distance at all. I’m hundreds of miles from my family now and that’s used as a feeble excuse for not seeing me/treating me differently. But in reality when I lived in the same town no one socialised with me or saw me my mum would have mum daughter days with one of my sisters I asked once if I could be included and was told a definite no as that was their time. I was never given a time. And before I moved a long distance my mother and some other family members and siblings moved an hour and a half from me and it was expected that I’d drop everything and drive there whenever they wanted my child, I’d do the drive then be asked to leave as I was not invited.

I do believe that GP should try to be as even handed as possible when it comes to being free childcare and do feel sympathy towards you for that.

But I also believe in celebrating other's success, especially the success of people you love.

You and your H chose to have three kids, which is a lot, they're not triplets. You decided to take three hits of maternity leave (& potentially paternity leave) on your careers and create the need for three lots of childcare, which is HUGELY expensive, everyone knows that.

You are responsible for the decision you've made in terms of number of DC, knowing it would be costly, have a big impact on your careers and chances to go on holidays etc.

There are people who have no children or stop at one because they want nice holidays and less childcare costs etc; that was an option for you.

You also chose a career in teaching, which tends not to have the salary which leads to £4.5k handbags, but does mean you get to spend the school holidays with your kids and potentially don't need as much childcare as your siblings.

You need to remember that you steer the wheel of your own destiny and some small turns at the start of your life, have big impacts further down the line.

Your siblings steered in a different way, with different outcomes. It maybe that you end up closer to your DC than they are to theirs because they're more career focused/use more GP childcare, so there may be gains to your situation too, which you just aren't feeling yet.