AIBU to be surprised how many people on MN seem to be people pleasers?

[Mnk711]

Granted probably people who are people pleasers will post their dilemmas more often on here than people who are able to set healthy boundaries, as people pleasers are likely to encounter more problems they can't resolve themselves. But I'm shocked how many people seem unable to tell other people the truth about their behaviour being selfish, unpleasant, and rude. Are there really this many people who in real life are incapable of standing up and being counted?

I find it really sad that there are so many threads of people being walked all over by 'friends' or 'D'Ps who treat them horribly and OPs can't defend themselves. Or people who are surrounded by other people pleasers/those who just want an easy life who won't stand up in defence of what's right. And the same IRL - friends with a terrible boss or work colleague who everyone just tiptoes around and won't speak up.

AIBU to be surprised at the seeming prevalence of people pleasers?

I'm a massive people pleaser. It's pants.

It’s a ridiculous label.

At heart, I think I'm a people pleaser. My kids and husband have told me they disagree though.

I do sometimes feel sorry for people who are in situations on here and think "how does that sort of thing even happen/arise?"

BUT, I'd say its possible to be a people pleaser at heart and have boundaries.

I am a recovering people pleaser… I’ve started to put my feelings first and it’s liberating, but easy to fall back into bad habits

@theeyeofdoe I agree it's a ridiculous label and with @Dacadactyl that you could want to make people happy as your overriding objective yet still have boundaries. So I guess my AIBU should be am I being unreasonable to be so surprised at hoe many people are unable to impose boundaries or stand up to unpleasant/poor behaviour?

I'm more surprised by the people on MN who don't go out of their way to please anyone and seem to think the world revolves around them and their "little family".

So they say anyway.

They've all got "mental health issues" too.

Yes, I am surprised, given the high proportion of people I encounter in daily life who are selfish arseholes.

I read something on here once about people pleasing being an overhang of how little girls are conditioned to be pleasant and put themselves last. I admit I am a people pleaser. I thought I was just ‘nice’ until I read further into it. I feel mine is an overhang from an extremely abusive childhood. I am a bit of a paradox. I’ll be extremely kind but also have a capacity for disproportionate rage. I think that is from lack of assertiveness as well. A bit of a mess when I write it down. I’m a work in progress let’s say.

I have a friend who is an unbelievable people pleaser which I fund extremely hard work. She's the loveliest person but won't give an opinion on anything because she's worried it will upset you - even on something as basic as what kind of food to have for dinner. So the conversation goes:

Friend: We could have thai?
Me: OK great.
Friend: or Indian if you prefer?
Me: I don't mind, happy with either.
Friend: I don't mind either, what about pizza?
Me: I don't mind but think we should just decide so how about we go with Thai.
Friend: Ok, but I'm worried you've just said Thai because that's what I said first and you don't really want it.

Etc etc.

I’m more surprised by the number of people
who claim they ‘call people out’. In 46 years I’ve never once seen someone do it as many on MN advise others to do, and claim they do themselves.

Not to mention the number of ppl who (hypothetically) claim they’d ‘go nuclear’,or go in ‘all guns blazing’ over a minor school misunderstanding.

People pleasers start more threads because they are looking for answers that don't exist. They want to look like the loveliest, most kind person in the world, upset no one at all, get their needs met all without having an effective conversation. Which is impossible.

My advice to everyone is either speak up, or channel Elsa and let it go. It really is that simple.

Assertive people don't start these threads because they had the conversation, and the issue no longer exists.

I'm the worst for this to my own detriment and also in small degrees to the detriment of my kids,I absolutely hate it but the anxiety it creates when trying not to be makes me ill.

@MrsCrumPinnett exactly this! And not many selfish aholes presenting on MN - obviously no one thinks that about themselves but you can usually read between the lines and spot the selfish people. There seem to be fewer.

Is that indecisiveness, tho? If my Dh gives me a choice, I’m hopeless, I can’t decide!

I used to be a people pleaser, I’d go on a pub crawl and suffer through the whole thing, but it was expected I’d go. I had a few ding dongs with my mum over the years because she’d always say when she was coming, even if my Dh and nearby brother were on nights. I started putting down my foot about visits and she was furious but I had to stick for myself, she was retired, I work f/t, she should fit round me!

I’d be wary of mistaking easy going with people pleasing too.

That has really tickled me by how ridiculous it is, so thankyou
people pleasers want to please others, the clue is in the name 🤣 not to make themselves look so lovely and get their needs met selfishly ha!

People pleaser here. It’s annoying but I have learned tactics for saying no over the years. In my old age I’d never confront anyone in an all guns blazing manner though. I have a family member who is very difficult but falling out with them has only ever been ridiculously unpleasant so I agree to social stuff I am comfortable with only and give them a wide berth the rest of the time.

I'm a people pleaser to my friend. She asks so many favours of me, I ask her none (because I have heard her previously mention about if someone does her a favour then she owes them. And to me that's not how favours work. But it was v interesting to hear her views. Iykwim). If I could say no to her then there would be a hell of a lot of times I would be saying no. That could disrupt our friendship ? No I don't think I'm her friend just because I do her favours. But I do recognise that I'm more than convenient for her at times, or at least that is how I have sometimes felt. She can be generous with treating me to dinner and small gifts etc. Does she do this to keep me as a friend? I would like to say no but I'm not her and therefore couldn't say 100%. I'm an introverted extrovert.i used to be an extrovert but have changed through meno. My friend is constantly wanting me to do things with her. Most of the time I don't want to do anything with anyone. I am happy at home. I have a partner and DC who also neee my time

get their needs met selfishly

Telling. It's not selfish to get your needs met.

And of course people pleasers want to look nice. We all do everything we do for internal reasons. You want another person to be pleased because... it's doing something for you. You wouldn't do it otherwise.

A person who is genuinely a people pleaser ( I realise people throw phrases around and whatnot ) has, for one reason or another, been made to put anything that involves them second, because they have been conditioned to view themselves as lesser… it does nothing for the people pleaser except as a emotional protective mechanism

Yes. People -pleasers are always starting threads about ‘Cheeky Fuckers’ and being exploited, and/or having no friends despite ‘doing everything for them’, and appear never to think about how their own behaviour contributes to the dynamic, because they think they’re ‘nice’ and the other people are horrible/unappreciative/ CFs.

I mean, part of it is just gendered socialisation taken to an extreme, but they just seem resistant to being told that their behaviour isn’t in fact ‘nice’ and is generally because they’re trying to buy approval because they’re afraid of its opposite.

Yes, it’s fear. An attempt to ‘buy’ a certain type of response from others via services.

That is actually crazy to me that you (and I imagine others) feel that way… those that behave like you say don’t come under the bracket of people pleaser… I’m getting the feeling people on this website throw around all phrases in the same way people say “I totally have OCD” (and they definitely don’t have OCD)

I'm always struck by how often people pleasers are keen to please everybody but the people who matter most in their lives. For e.g. there was a poster here whose OH gave away their table in a crowded pub, to her understandable incredulity given that they went in specifically to get food before a gig.

In the interests of full disclosure, I had an ex who was like this and it drove me nuts. Kind of stuck with me.

I do wonder what psychological need the self-debasement involved is fulfilling. They must get something out of it, if only fuel for an inferiority complex?