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Original poster

Birthdays - what’s normal in your family?

56 replies

Weddingbells6 · 13/04/2024 22:17

In terms of birthdays? Background: child in early 20’s left home 2+ years ago. Relationship is good and they live reasonably close. I’ve always made sure my children’s birthdays are celebrated, bought a cake, bespoke cake on special birthdays, blown up balloons, put up banners, parties, given presents and offered a family meal, day out or takeaway on their birthday. Since eldest left home I’ve made sure they and their partner both receive their card before their birthday so that they can open it on their birthday. I’ve modelled this practise of ensuring cards / gifts aren’t late regardless of how busy life is to my children for all occasions and all family / friends really because to me it shows that you care and can put the effort in for someone special to you.
However, since the eldest left they haven’t really done the same for me. I had a birthday a week ago and didn’t receive a card or gift despite seeing my child a few days before hand so some small forward planning on their part would have solved the problem. I received a happy birthday text on the day so they didn’t forget. Money isn’t an issue (100% confident on this) and they celebrate birthdays vigorously between themselves - surprises, gifts weekends away etc so I’m fairly certain it’s nothing to do with them not wanting to make a big deal about birthdays etc as they’ve gotten older. I feel pretty hurt to be honest, it’s not the 1st time I haven’t received anything on the day but it is the 1st time days have passed without a ‘I’ll bring your present next week’ etc.

My question is: is this normal now? Do adult children just not really put any importance on your birthday? Would you say something about being hurt or just let it go and accept it as what it is? For the record I won’t fall out with my child, I never have and never will.

OP posts:
calligraphee · 13/04/2024 22:18

It is not ok IMO. If you have a partner they can say something.

FredaFox · 13/04/2024 22:20

I'm in my 49s and still do gifts and special things for my mum

AngelQuartz · 13/04/2024 22:21

It’s shit not to receive at least a card from your adult kids.

For my parents, I’ll buy them a card, ask them what present they would like. (They always say they don’t want one) so mum: flowers, chocolates, hand cream, maybe a gift card or book an afternoon tea. Dad: socks, aftershave, bottle of alcohol he likes.
I ask if they’d like to go out for a meal, but nothing major unless a big milestone like 60, 70.. then we’d plan either a party or take them to a concert that they want to go to.

Lemonnhoney · 13/04/2024 22:23

No it's not ok.. I have got my parents presents throughout my 20's and always made an effort to celebrate the occasion with them..

My partner also makes an effort to get a gift/voucher to their parents.

I understand why you're hurt! I would be too... But also I think you can be a bit selfish in your early 20's 😂

I agree with PP, can a partner or sibling say something to them?

Cherrysoup · 13/04/2024 22:23

We don’t do much. I get cards from relatives but nothing else unless I’m visiting-got token presents and lots of good wishes last week when I was there. My mum is hopeless, knew I was coming up, didn’t get me anything. She used to get me supermarket vouchers, which I massively appreciate. A friend got me clothing vouchers, which is perfect and extremely generous.

My DH didn’t get me anything, I’m really rubbish saying what I want and I told him I didn’t want anything. He always gets me a personalised card, got me one with a very flattering photo! I’m not into cake, we’ve never done cake.

alovelynight · 13/04/2024 22:26

You have every right to feel hurt by this. I have always bought my parents gifts and a card for their birthdays, I'm 33 and live 1 hour away and have done for the last 5 years.
It's not good that they don't acknowledge your birthday especially when they have always been such a prominent thing in your home. Like PP has said, if you have a partner have them say something to them about it.

AnxiousRabbit · 13/04/2024 22:26

We have never put much emphasis on having presents before the day etc.
It's something my mum has only done since retiring....and I find it quite annoying that we have to make arrangements for both her and MIL to drop things off before the day when we are due to see them the day after or within a few days.

I have so many things in my head between work and kids my ADHD procrastination does not allow me to plan ahead.....I also find my mum impossible to buy for.

But I would go round on the day with something, or explain why I couldn't. Unless we had plans with the birthday person within a week.

PTSDBarbiegirl · 13/04/2024 22:27

My youngest is like this, eldest always makes sure they give card, gift, flowers on the day. Both fully grown adults and I find it quite hurtful too that youngest is so seemingly uninterested. I always celebrate their birthdays and Mark the ocassion. It made me feel a bit sad and really hurt. They arrived weeks later with something. Next birthday Im going to send a card and give small gift next time I see them, maybe point will sink in. It's basic lack of effort tbh and absence of organisational skills.

toastofthetown · 13/04/2024 22:32

I'm an adult child in my thirties and my parents have a card and gift on their birthdays. You mention that you used to make a big effort for their birthdays, but were you children ever led to make a fuss for your birthday? How were they during their teens? It could be they're learning way too late that gifts between parents and adult children are generally reciprocal, not just something that happens to them. Have you talked to your child about how you feel about their lack of effort on their birthday? Maybe setting out gift expectations and a rough budget for gifts would work. My family has had a budget for gifts since we've left university, and ti works well.

salcombebabe · 13/04/2024 22:32

When you say child is it a son or daughter? My guess is a son as I find my son does everything at the last minute and has to be reminded so many times!

ranoutofquinoaandprosecco · 13/04/2024 22:34

I'm in my late 40s and make sure my parents have hopefully thoughtful gifts and cards for their birthday, we don't live near (2 hours away) so if I know we'll see them a week or so around the event I'll send the card for the actual day and then give them the present in person. If, I don't think we'll be seeing them for some time, I tend to try and send something like a cream tea etc that they can both enjoy.

Original poster
Weddingbells6 · 13/04/2024 22:38

Thanks, that’s exactly what I would do and my daughter would be capable of sending something via Amazon etc if she knew she wasn’t coming but to me it feels like she just thinks ‘oh it’s just my Mum and she’ll be fine with it’ because I’m always fine and always just get over everything and would never fall out with any of my children but that seems unfair.

OP posts:
Original poster
Weddingbells6 · 13/04/2024 22:41

No, I was split from their father who had very little respect for me so they haven’t seen how it should be. However, they are bright and have been treated by me even when I had very little money and they do it for their partner so it’s not like they don’t know how to treat a loved one to make them feel special.

OP posts:
Original poster
Weddingbells6 · 13/04/2024 22:43

This is why I asked. I can see that for some people birthdays just aren’t a big deal. Maybe I’ll stop putting so much effort into others birthdays so that I don’t feel disappointed.

OP posts:
Original poster
Weddingbells6 · 13/04/2024 22:45

salcombebabe · 13/04/2024 22:32

When you say child is it a son or daughter? My guess is a son as I find my son does everything at the last minute and has to be reminded so many times!

Daughter but teenage son at home also didn’t even get a card despite his step Dad texting him whilst he was in town to remind him and give him a chance to get something. I don’t know where I went wrong tbh 😂

OP posts:
Original poster
Weddingbells6 · 13/04/2024 22:47

AnxiousRabbit · 13/04/2024 22:26

We have never put much emphasis on having presents before the day etc.
It's something my mum has only done since retiring....and I find it quite annoying that we have to make arrangements for both her and MIL to drop things off before the day when we are due to see them the day after or within a few days.

I have so many things in my head between work and kids my ADHD procrastination does not allow me to plan ahead.....I also find my mum impossible to buy for.

But I would go round on the day with something, or explain why I couldn't. Unless we had plans with the birthday person within a week.

This is why I asked. I can see that for some people birthdays just aren’t a big deal. Maybe I’ll stop putting so much effort into others birthdays so that I don’t feel disappointed.

OP posts:
Original poster
Weddingbells6 · 13/04/2024 22:48

salcombebabe · 13/04/2024 22:32

When you say child is it a son or daughter? My guess is a son as I find my son does everything at the last minute and has to be reminded so many times!

Daughter.

OP posts:
toastofthetown · 13/04/2024 22:48

Weddingbells6 · 13/04/2024 22:43

This is why I asked. I can see that for some people birthdays just aren’t a big deal. Maybe I’ll stop putting so much effort into others birthdays so that I don’t feel disappointed.

Have you told them you feel disappointed by their lack of effort? Even if they’re bright they’re not a mind reader. If you’ve always been fine with them not making an effort, you’ve told them that you don’t care about a fuss on your birthday, but that’s clearly not true.

hby9628 · 13/04/2024 22:52

With my mum I usually see her on her birthday as we live nearby & are very close. If I couldn't see her for any reason I would definitely phone her and give her a gift either before or when I next see her

With my dad it's always a call on the day & card with gift the next time I see him which would be during the week of his birthday. We have always celebrated our parents birthdays. DH was the same with his mum until she passed away at 90.

BeaRF75 · 13/04/2024 22:53

Adult birthdays are not a thing, and pretty much ignored. No kids. But I think it's only us over 50s who bother about birthday cards, isn't it? Cut back on the fuss over your kids" birthdays - theynare not children, and may find it embarrassing. Then everyone can just get on with their liv4s.

TheGirlWhoLived · 13/04/2024 22:57

Personally I feel like birthdays are for children. I do the same for my kids, cake, bespoke decorations, meal or day out, party, presents, bigger cake on special birthdays and perhaps bigger present.

I don’t know if it’s just because my birthday is 18th dec so close to Christmas, but it’s not really that big a thing. If I fancied going out then I’d invite people, kids included. My eldest is 13 and she’ll say happy birthday but wouldn’t buy me her own present or make breakfast.

its really just a day you were born?

Original poster
Weddingbells6 · 13/04/2024 23:00

BeaRF75 · 13/04/2024 22:53

Adult birthdays are not a thing, and pretty much ignored. No kids. But I think it's only us over 50s who bother about birthday cards, isn't it? Cut back on the fuss over your kids" birthdays - theynare not children, and may find it embarrassing. Then everyone can just get on with their liv4s.

Do you really think? Well they’re now an adult so like you say maybe I need to chill and be more laid back and just give them to people when I see them. I’ve got a sneaky suspicion my child wouldn’t like it though but maybe that’s what needs to happen. I like my birthday, I feel like I give so much of myself caring for others that I kind of deserve a few little treats once a year but maybe I need to grow up!

OP posts:
TheGirlWhoLived · 13/04/2024 23:02

I’ll rephrase mine and put the emphasis that birthdays are for children, but children of all ages. My mums always made a fuss of mine and expected little to nothing for hers. Same going down the line

Original poster
Weddingbells6 · 13/04/2024 23:03

toastofthetown · 13/04/2024 22:48

Have you told them you feel disappointed by their lack of effort? Even if they’re bright they’re not a mind reader. If you’ve always been fine with them not making an effort, you’ve told them that you don’t care about a fuss on your birthday, but that’s clearly not true.

Show quote history

I don’t want them to feel crap really because it’s a small thing in the grand scheme of things but I was curious as to how others feel about things like this, a reality check as such.

OP posts:
Girliefriendlikespuppies · 13/04/2024 23:13

I would pull them both up on it tbh and tell them exactly how it made you feel.

It's not okay imo.

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