Birthdays - what’s normal in your family?

[Weddingbells6]

In terms of birthdays? Background: child in early 20’s left home 2+ years ago. Relationship is good and they live reasonably close. I’ve always made sure my children’s birthdays are celebrated, bought a cake, bespoke cake on special birthdays, blown up balloons, put up banners, parties, given presents and offered a family meal, day out or takeaway on their birthday. Since eldest left home I’ve made sure they and their partner both receive their card before their birthday so that they can open it on their birthday. I’ve modelled this practise of ensuring cards / gifts aren’t late regardless of how busy life is to my children for all occasions and all family / friends really because to me it shows that you care and can put the effort in for someone special to you.
However, since the eldest left they haven’t really done the same for me. I had a birthday a week ago and didn’t receive a card or gift despite seeing my child a few days before hand so some small forward planning on their part would have solved the problem. I received a happy birthday text on the day so they didn’t forget. Money isn’t an issue (100% confident on this) and they celebrate birthdays vigorously between themselves - surprises, gifts weekends away etc so I’m fairly certain it’s nothing to do with them not wanting to make a big deal about birthdays etc as they’ve gotten older. I feel pretty hurt to be honest, it’s not the 1st time I haven’t received anything on the day but it is the 1st time days have passed without a ‘I’ll bring your present next week’ etc.

My question is: is this normal now? Do adult children just not really put any importance on your birthday? Would you say something about being hurt or just let it go and accept it as what it is? For the record I won’t fall out with my child, I never have and never will.

No that's not okay, definitely say something op!
In our family every birthday is celebrated, my sister and I are both in our 30's now but we still make a point of visiting mum on her actual birthday with cards and gifts and either going for a meal or getting a takeaway. Shes always gone all out for us even now and shes the most important woman in our lives so why wouldn't we!

We’ve never made a big thing of birthdays, so none of my now adult children or I expect a big fuss. We tend to send a WhatsApp message saying happy birthday, sometimes a card, and perhaps a phone call. The grandchildren get presents from their parents and me, but not aunts and uncles. I’m inclined to think that expecting a whole gaiety-song-and-dance is a bit grabby.

In that case I’m so sorry! Hopefully she’ll become more thoughtful the older she gets 🥰

We’ve always enjoyed celebrating birthdays. We always make sure our kids have cards, presents, cake for their birthday and either a birthday tea, meal out or takeaway. I always visit my parents on their birthdays with gifts and cards.

i’d be upset if my kids hadn’t acknowledged it on the day (was actually a big birthday for me last week and adult stepson didn’t acknowledge it until 11.30pm)

I put no pressure on my (adult) kids about presents in general, but we always get together around the birthday date for a meal. Both kids offer to help me throughout the year and are always there when needed and that's what counts to me. Also appreciate a card and words a million times more than a present that I don't particularly want or need.

I have no idea what’s normal in other families but I’m in my 20s and always make sure I send something for my parents’ birthdays. I try to give cards and presents to everyone who gives them to me on my birthday. I think it’s rude not to.

I do feel like the idea of always giving your children the time and effort regardless of their age and them not showing you that in return even as adults is kind of unkind. I could put money on anyone I told I feel this way being really shocked, I haven’t breathed a word about feeling unthought of or uncared for to anyone not even my OH. Maybe your Mum feels the same but like me wouldn’t admit it even if asked. It’s just not my nature, it’s not the end of the world and I would hate my child to feel guilty so I would just brush it off if they asked. I totally respect that some people
don't make a big deal of birthday's and I get it I really do but it’s different to accept the fuss and not return it. Maybe you do little things for your Mum all the time which would make a difference I think but that doesn’t happen at all for me. My mum does loads for me so I like to make sure her birthday is celebrated but I also buy little bits and bobs that I think she’ll like and invite her out with us etc. I maybe didn’t give enough background but if that’s not happening then it think it’s pretty disrespectful to accept presents and gifts and not return the thought IMO.

I totally respect this because it now works both ways for you. And I suspect that you do things for one another throughout the year. I think probably the reason I have felt hurt is because I’ve continued to do it and I suspect they wouldn’t like it if I stopped but that they can’t be bothered to do it for me. And that if I do see them socially I pay and arrange etc etc (should have included that in my OP) I have decided to just be more chill about it all and see how it goes, I’m not going to be making special journeys to make sure theirs is on time etc. It will make my life easier anyway. I sort of have a problem with the adults on here that still expect a song and dance for theirs but think parent don’t deserve any recognition. And I would really have just liked to have gone for a coffee or something not really a present (I don’t want you to think I’m grabby!)

No I haven’t, I’m not going to. They’re an adult at the end of the day and make really special plans for their OH so I know they’re capable, they have a job, mortgage, car etc. They’re fully mature so if they cba then that’s something I just will accept, I’m not bitter I’ll just be a bit more chill about theirs I think going forward.

Bio fam - absolutely zilch, nothing for myself or my kids. I've also stopped sending stuff.

My husband and kids - make a big fuss of kids and then between my husband and I we discuss what each other would like.

Husbands family - in laws, cards and gifts. Extended family - fb acknowledgement.

Husbands brother, I used to do it. Stopped about 3 years ago. Now nothing from him.

I've got 3 adult DC, 1 DD and 2 DS's. None of them have forgotten me. They all 3 as always send me a card and DD gets DGC to write their names in a card for me too. They buy me gifts too. My DD sent her brother money to buy me a bouquet of flowers. My elder son bought me a jumper and my younger son took me out for a meal and bought me flowers the following week after ones from DD had died. On my 60th my younger son paid for me to go to Bruges for a long weekend including accommodation costs. He just booked it for me and DH. My elder son bought me a new garden chair for watching the cricket. My DD did a birthday BBQ for me in my own garden with balloons and bunting too, also inviting several of my friends and bringing my DGC too. All my DC and their partners came. I really enjoyed it, my elder son did the bbqing.

@Weddingbells6

You said you aren't going to say anything because you don't want them to feel "crap". Why is it alright for you to feel crap but not them?

Its great that you do all that for your child, in my family we do the same. However that is your choice as a mum. I presume you do it because you cherish them and want to spoil them. Not everyone feels like that and imo I only ever give for giving sake not to have something in return or to expect something back. It is a shame they didn't get you a card and you feel disappointed but don't have any expectation in the future.

I'd speak to them both about it. I would feel let down. Mine are little but I don't think a card present and popping in on your mum is a lot to ask for. It's mil's birthday tomorrow and dh will pop around with her card and present after work. I will see her on the weekend but telephone her tomorrow and send messages from the kids.

I think there is a generation gap with cards - they are not as important to younger generations and it seems a bit odd to younger people to post something. I always send one to my parents with a little pressie too because I know they like it, but it'll die out within a generation or two I think. I don't expect them from friends. I always feel like a card is a box-ticking exercise but seeing someone (or failing that a phonecall) is more meaningful.

Thanks. I actually don’t like cards, I think it’s more the acknowledgment that it’s your birthday even if it’s ’shall we grab a coffee or here is a bunch of daffodils I know they’re your favourite’ when you went to so much effort for everyone else for so long.

Yes, I will Manage my expectations from now on. I guess I feel disappointed that I put the effort in and and always envisioned my eldest would want to do the same for me as she’s seen me do for her and her siblings and my Mum etc etc. You’re right really that we should t give to expect, I don’t think I’m doing that as such as I enjoy seeing people happy but I suppose subliminally I’ve expected people would want to do the same for me. Lots to learn.

I don’t know really? Haha personality flaw maybe.

I'd be hurt too. We tend to do cards, presents and go out for a meal or sometimes a show. When the kids were younger, we'd have a birthday tea with grandma, uncle etc and they always had a party or outing with friends if they wanted.

My grown children still live with us so I'd remind them about DH's and vice versa though sometimes they've asked to borrow money to pay for presents! They are keener on the meal out than getting presents for us.

My mother is dead, as are DH's parents, so only my dad is left. I'd always send a card and see him if possible, but he has long said he doesn't want presents. He's well able to buy anything he wants and I have never known what to get him.

Blimey. Hell would freeze over before I forgot my parents' birthdays. I love finding the right card and a suitable present. Poor younger generation for missing out on these pleasures.

Yes I feel the same, I love buying something I know people will like. It’s left me wondering what’s happened to these traditions. I can only imagine how my children would feel if no one made a fuss of them on their birthday. Oh well not a lot I can do now but chalk it up to realising I’m not a priority.

@Weddingbells6 you are being decidedly like a martyr. Why should you not be a priority? I'm a busy working parent and live 4 hours away from my parents. I remember their birthdays because they are important to me and a little effort goes a long way. Speak to your children.

I've set out my expectations very clearly to my teenagers. I want them to contact me on my birthday. Visit if possible or if not a phone call or text. They both have careers/ future careers where they won't be close geographically so it means a lot to me to hear from them. I'm not interested in presents or cards from them. I don't see the point. I'm trying to pass money onto them in the form of driving lessons/ cars/ a house deposit so it seems non sensical to me that they would then spend money on me. I understand other people have very different expectations, which is fine and maybe other people have the right idea rather than me but I'm happy with the way we do it. Maybe they don't know what you want or expect? My children's dad does expect a gift and a card so I help my teenagers sort those out. I get them nice presents and take them for a family meal for their birthdays but again that's because I have more money than them so it would be odd (to me) if they tried to take me out for a meal.
I do think it's pointless to give someone a card/ gift after the day though. If you are going to give someone a card/ gift at least do it on the day or before.

I would take the card and present when I see them that maybe after their birthday. I would happy for this too. It’s spreads out the celebration.

I think you unreasonable to indicate you’re happy with something if you’re not. You’re setting your daughter but to fail a test.

I'm 35 and always take my parents out for dinner on their birthdays. Neither of them want (or are interested in) gifts but they both love going to restaurants.

My mum always gets a card too, but I wouldn't buy one for my dad as he'd tell me off for damaging the environment and wasting my money 😂