Birthdays - what’s normal in your family?

[Weddingbells6]

In terms of birthdays? Background: child in early 20’s left home 2+ years ago. Relationship is good and they live reasonably close. I’ve always made sure my children’s birthdays are celebrated, bought a cake, bespoke cake on special birthdays, blown up balloons, put up banners, parties, given presents and offered a family meal, day out or takeaway on their birthday. Since eldest left home I’ve made sure they and their partner both receive their card before their birthday so that they can open it on their birthday. I’ve modelled this practise of ensuring cards / gifts aren’t late regardless of how busy life is to my children for all occasions and all family / friends really because to me it shows that you care and can put the effort in for someone special to you.
However, since the eldest left they haven’t really done the same for me. I had a birthday a week ago and didn’t receive a card or gift despite seeing my child a few days before hand so some small forward planning on their part would have solved the problem. I received a happy birthday text on the day so they didn’t forget. Money isn’t an issue (100% confident on this) and they celebrate birthdays vigorously between themselves - surprises, gifts weekends away etc so I’m fairly certain it’s nothing to do with them not wanting to make a big deal about birthdays etc as they’ve gotten older. I feel pretty hurt to be honest, it’s not the 1st time I haven’t received anything on the day but it is the 1st time days have passed without a ‘I’ll bring your present next week’ etc.

My question is: is this normal now? Do adult children just not really put any importance on your birthday? Would you say something about being hurt or just let it go and accept it as what it is? For the record I won’t fall out with my child, I never have and never will.

Maybe I’ll stop putting so much effort into others birthdays so that I don’t feel disappointed.

Communicate and ask the question in a non passive aggressive way. There could be many reasons why - but unless you communicate clearly and without prejudice then you'll not know.

It could be for a host of reasons, just say

I noticed that you weren't concerned on getting me a birthday card etc, can we be clear on how we want to do birthdays moving forward. Is it to be just a card or a text, shall we do supper out at a pub or cream cakes etc. Ask the question

I have one dd who treats me like I'm on a pedestal and the other can't be bothered. I rarely get a card and if I get a presents its always without fail late. I send a card and some money by bank transfer. The other we go out for a meal and always have presents o the day

In my family we send a card and give a gift. If not on time, very shortly after. I think that's pretty normal, it's what all my friends do in their families too. I'd expect an adult son or daughter to make some effort, especially given your family's attitude and effort made on birthdays.

I personally would just directly say (or message) my daughter and say ‘I like to feel thought of on my birthday and while gifts are less important to me, I always enjoy getting a card and I was disappointed not to get one this year. This birthday has passed, but i’d love it if you could remember this for next year.’

Communicate what you'd like. It's in no way unreasonable to want to get a bit of birthday fuss. I mean cards can be ordered and paid for online and you don't even need to pick up a pen or get a stamp! It's no effort at all.

We gave ours money at 16 to buy family presents and then 17 more money to buy Christmas presents. Then said expatiation was once left home to do something - card/gift/handmade present rather than getting upset before they realised it was normal thing to do for family members.

Worked wells so far mentioned it on here before got told it was child abuse and made all presents even sibling ones worthless and not worth having. Older GP have been touched - siblings delighted and DH and me very happy.

So maybe there is some generational divide as advanced search showed those posters were younger with very young kids.

This. Don't be a martyr - they need to know.

I don't know why the birthday haters swarm these threads with their birthday are 'childish' and 'grabby' comments. Being a grump on birthdays doesn't give them the moral high ground.

I LOVE birthdays - I love making a fuss on someone's special day. There is nothing wrong win enjoying birthdays. Your children have behaved poorly and you should let them know you were disappointed. You mentioned a step dad had phoned your son - can you encourage him to say how let down you felt. Like you said, if they can make a fuss for their friends and partners then they are capable.

Yes nice to make a fuss. My mother is quite mean nothing for ours. Feels we all earning) but still even a card...

Early 20s is often peak self-centered living unfortunately. People are so absorbed in starting their own lives they think the world revolves around them. Whilst it's normal to be hurt, and justified, it's probably not surprising. It will be solved, most likely, by you pointing it out in a very simple way.

I would just say "I was a bit hurt you didn't even bother to get me a birthday card on time, I hope you'll put a bit more effort in next year'.
Just be clear on your expectations, and if they really think this is too much to ask they'll say so. They probably have no awareness you were hurt.