to not want to subsidise my mum's furniture?

[woodbasket]

I am 25 and living in my family home. I had been saving up for a deposit but am now actively looking for a house and making offers etc so hopefully will be moving out ASAP.

I had previously offered to give my mum money towards my food, electricity use etc as I am an adult and wanted to behave and be treated as such. She appreciated my offer but turned it down because I'm her daughter and she was adamant she didn't want to take money from me.

At the end of last year, my mum bought a new house, so I moved with her as I didn't have anywhere of my own. It is a large house towards the top of her budget. There is (in my opinion) adequate furniture but she says she still needs more and decoration etc. She has expensive taste; she is not buying from Ikea/Dunelm/John Lewis etc but from independent shops with more unique pieces of furniture. I do recognise that the house needs blinds.

In the last few weeks there has been conflict between us because she asked me to start contributing financially. However, this was not focused on the food or utilities that I use; her reasoning was, "I need to raise money for furniture somehow". I was surprised to hear this as based on this, had she stayed in the previous house, she would not be requesting money from me - what has changed is that she has moved house and is looking for sources of income for her furniture, not for my expenditure.

AIBU to say no to subsidising the furniture? Apart from blinds, she already has all the essentials; beds, tables, sofas etc. Some of it she brought from her previous house. She has since bought some things that I would see as 'extras' such as additional side tables, ornaments, dressers etc. Nice to have, but only if you save up for them and can afford to spend the money, not essential for living.

I am more than happy to contribute towards the extra costs she experiences because I am living in her house, but I don't want to pay for her non-essential furniture. She also could have chosen to buy a less expensive house that she could pay for more comfortably. I offered to pay for an online grocery shop, as I use the food, but she said that suggestion was me being controlling. She wants cash as she said, "it is my money and I can choose how I spend it". Who is being unreasonable?

If my Dd23 said he would not transfer us his modest contribution but would pay directly for online shopping as he disagreed with what we planned to spend the money on, he would be moving out immediately.

You are being very unreasonable.

How much do you think you have saved by not paying your way for the 7 years you have been an adult? Work out a fair monthly contribution towards rent, bills and food and express gratitude for your mum subsidising you all those years to get you to a position where you can soon move out. I suspect a big reality check is coming when you find out how much your actual living costs will be.
Your mum can spend her money on whatever she likes.

This

She can't pay for her furniture herself because she's been paying her adult daughter's living expenses for the last seven years!

Of course you are being unreasonable. You are an adult and would be paying your way for board and lodgings, not ‘subsidising furniture’. Your mum would then be spending her own money on what she ants to spend it on, rather than keeping her adult child.

You need to pay housekeeping. What your mother spends the money on is up to her

YABU. You need to pay her for your board and lodgings, you should have insisted previously rather than leaching off her. It’s none of your business how she spends it.

"I am more than happy to contribute towards the extra costs she experiences because I am living in her house,"

Great - and she can spend this extra money on furniture if she so chooses given that when you make payment it will be her money to do with as she pleases.

Yabu to dictate what your "keep" should be spent on by your mum. As others have said agree a fair amount you can pay monthly and then she is free to spend that as she pleases just like any other landlord would.

You've just been very lucky that she's been willing to let you continue living there for free for this long and now her circumstances have changed that also needs to change. Just like any other landlord needing to increase rent to cover increasing costs.

Pay your mum some rent and stop sponging off her. You're lucky you got away with her not charging you until now.

YABU. You need to pay for rent and utilities.

Sounds like your mum is struggling with upkeep and trying to save face by blaming the furniture costs.

Do the right thing and pay at least £100 per week.

You’ve lived off her for long enough, time to pay her back for her generosity.

You should be paying your way.
Your share of food and bills probably comes to something like £500 pm, so stop expecting your Mum to sub you now that you are a working adult.
I was quite shocked to read that you have lived rent and bill free for all this time, that you don't even pay for groceries, yet begrudge paying towards your mothers furniture when she requests it.
It doesn't matter what she would use your payments for, that's her business. If you were to give her a lump sum of say, £6000,that would still only allow her to break even in having you there for the last year. How much is she actually asking for?

YABU. She doesn't have enough money for the furniture she wants because she's been subsidising you. I'm not suggesting you're obligated to make back payments as she did offer to have you free of charge, but you should agree something appropriate going forwards. It might be nice to offer something upfront too considering how much you will have cost her, it must be thousands of pounds if she's been feeding you as well as paying all bills.

What a surprise. An inflammatory post that the OP doesn’t come back to.

So you are still living at home at 25, earning a wage, rent free, eating her food, not paying towards house bills or contributing to the wear and tear on her furniture and other household items and now complain about her asking you to contribute ? What she needs the money for is totally beside the point.

If you don't like it, move out and see how much rent disappears from your bank account then.

YAB massivelyU

Unbelievable that you refer to is as subsidising her furniture when at 25 you’ve never actually contributed to your own living costs. She is subsidising you and if you have saved a deposit, she is also subsidising your future house by not charging you rent. Many parents do not do this for their adult children.

Start buying your own food and pay your fair share of the bills.

Must have done then hun 🤣🤣🤣

Your mum has kindly subsidised you living at home for sone time, she now wants a bit more disposable cash so is asking for a contribution. Just agree a fair rent.

You're overthinking it saying you'll only buy groceries, that frees up cash in her bank which she can rightly spend on whatever she likes.

I actually think you're being very disrespectful saying she should only be buying basic furniture that is essential so you can live rent free.

You're extremely unreasonable.
She originally said no to you paying her money, but her circumstances have changed so she's now said yes... As you said you'll be moving out soon it won't be for long so you should be grateful you've not paid up until now!
It's her choice to spend whatever she likes on whatever she wishes, how dare you say she should have spent less on a house!

No sign of the OP. They really don't like being told they are unreasonable do they?

Jesus Christ!

Of course you are being unreasonable!

If she wasn't subsidising you, she'd have money to spend on furniture.

Pay your way for gods sake, or move out.

Pay her rent and what she spends it on is up to her.

Agree a rent and pay it. You've saved a fortune and it is immaterial if your mother puts the money you actually give her on a horse or piles it up in the street and sets light to it, as she'll still be buying your food/paying utilities (etc, etc)

Surprised at your entitlement. Give your mum money and she can spend it as she likes

You're not subsiding your Mum's furniture, you're paying rent like a normal adult would. She can spend all the money on gin if she wants to.

I have to say I think people are being a bit hard on the OP. On paper, I can see that OP might seem a bit of a CF, but actually I don't think she is. Why is the mother choosing now to suddenly ask for expenses? OP is actually about to move out, and has been offering for years to pay, which the mother refused. Buying a house is an expensive business, with extra costs attached, and the mother almost seems to be sabotaging her daughter. I wonder if this is a way for the mother to stop the OP from moving out.

Because her expenses changed. It's irrelevant why.

OP is already viewing and putting offers in. Starting to pay keep now won't actually tip the balance into her not being able to move out, and if it does, that means she can't actually afford to.