to not want to subsidise my mum's furniture?

[woodbasket]

I am 25 and living in my family home. I had been saving up for a deposit but am now actively looking for a house and making offers etc so hopefully will be moving out ASAP.

I had previously offered to give my mum money towards my food, electricity use etc as I am an adult and wanted to behave and be treated as such. She appreciated my offer but turned it down because I'm her daughter and she was adamant she didn't want to take money from me.

At the end of last year, my mum bought a new house, so I moved with her as I didn't have anywhere of my own. It is a large house towards the top of her budget. There is (in my opinion) adequate furniture but she says she still needs more and decoration etc. She has expensive taste; she is not buying from Ikea/Dunelm/John Lewis etc but from independent shops with more unique pieces of furniture. I do recognise that the house needs blinds.

In the last few weeks there has been conflict between us because she asked me to start contributing financially. However, this was not focused on the food or utilities that I use; her reasoning was, "I need to raise money for furniture somehow". I was surprised to hear this as based on this, had she stayed in the previous house, she would not be requesting money from me - what has changed is that she has moved house and is looking for sources of income for her furniture, not for my expenditure.

AIBU to say no to subsidising the furniture? Apart from blinds, she already has all the essentials; beds, tables, sofas etc. Some of it she brought from her previous house. She has since bought some things that I would see as 'extras' such as additional side tables, ornaments, dressers etc. Nice to have, but only if you save up for them and can afford to spend the money, not essential for living.

I am more than happy to contribute towards the extra costs she experiences because I am living in her house, but I don't want to pay for her non-essential furniture. She also could have chosen to buy a less expensive house that she could pay for more comfortably. I offered to pay for an online grocery shop, as I use the food, but she said that suggestion was me being controlling. She wants cash as she said, "it is my money and I can choose how I spend it". Who is being unreasonable?

YABVU
How would you react if your employer decided they would only pay you if they approved of how you would spend your earnings? You are a fully grown adult who earns money while you have been living off of your mum and now she would like you to finally contribute. You don't get to decide how she uses that contribution. If you can't accept that then move out and learn to pay your way (a clue-your future landlord, utility companies , council tax office and supermarkets won't listen to a control freak tenant/customer telling them how to spend the rent/bills/food money).

This.

i know it seems unfair.

you have said you understood that being an adult is paying towards you living there which at the time she didn’t need and while she may not actually spend the money on that in your opinion her income for furniture is less because she is paying the bills on her own if you contribute that frees up money that otherwise would not be available for furniture because it went on bills.

so think of it as you are contributing towards the bills and with the spare money she’s saving because you are contributing she’s using to buying furniture.

i mean the best idea all round is you look seriously into moving out as soon as viable but I understand that’s easier said than done.

Pay towards the bills then she can use her own money to buy what she wants… she’s telling you she needs to start charging you so just agree an amount and stop dictating what she can use it for.

How she allocates your rent is up to her OP.

Your post reminds me of those dads who think their CM goes towards hair and nails and want a breakdown of what it's spent on.

Another one for paying rent even though previously I swore I’d never charge my kids rent if they were saving for a house. But if situations changed (like we wanted/needed the money) then I’d consider it. If it makes you feel better give her the money and tell her it’s for your food and utilities! What’s the diff?

I agree with the OP that her mother shouldn't be living beyond her means. Mother is being a CF expecting her daughter to subsidise her expensive taste in unnecessary furniture.

However it's not unreasonable for OP to pay rent.

Even if the mother wants to spend all the OPs rent on tattoos and lip fillers , it's her perogative.

So OP should pay a fair rent, and if the mother can't afford to pay for utilities because she's spent the rent on a new sofa or fancy car or whiter teeth, maybe OP can find a flat share instead and leave the mother to sort herself out.

Bit of a shit situation. I feel for the OP.

It doesn't matter what she spends it on.

If she's paying the bills then if you're contributing to them, she's got more money spare to buy the things she wants for her house. 🤷

It’s up to her what she spends the money on. This is real cheeky fucker territory.

Wow. You want to tell her what to spend her money on?
Pay rent. Be grateful she has let you live off her kindness to date.
Don't be rude

@crockofshite you feel for someone that payed no money , while saving enough deposit to buy her own house and now is kicking off at having to contribute? The reason why is irrelevant. She wasn't even buying her own food ffs.

Sorry, YABU

As others have said, how your mum spends her money isn't really relevant. She has simply said that she needs you to contribute. It's a difficult time I know, cost of living crisis etc etc but think about how much your mum is spending alone. She might be realising that she needs a bit more support financially so that she can actually enjoy her home, which has also been your home (in general I mean, not the new house). Try to think of it from her point of view. Parents sacrifice a lot for us.

Have a chat with her and work out a reasonable amount. It's only fair, as you said you are 25, an adult and want to be treated as such.

Your mum has been subsiding you. If you pay board, she can stop subsidising you and spend her own money on what she wants. YABVU

It’s rent, you should pay her if she now has bigger expenses. You’ve been living rent free for however long. At 25, many people are living independently.

The mother said she didn't want to charge her daughter rent.

I'd she needs financial help its not up to you how she spends it is it. You've had a while without contributing time to step up now.

You need to be paying board/keep/rent doesn’t matter what you call it. My slightly older than you son currently lives with me he pays his keep once a month. It’s paid directly to me it’s up to me how it is spent and it’s always been a quarter of income regardless of hours worked, hourly rate. That’s the fairest way. Currently it’s at a figure which helps me pay the bills but before when it was lower I was struggling to make ends meet asa zero hours contract and some weeks zero hours. I usually use a quarter towards the council tax, a quarter towards gas/electric/water and the other half for a big shop/cleaning products/toiletries.

You should have always have been doing the same.

You have saved an absolute fortune by living at home till now. It amuses me that you say you initially offered money towards electric and food as if that’s going to cover things.

Your mum is.struggling, so pay her rent.

And now she does.

So, OP needs to cough up or move out.

YABU

Cheeky fucker . Pay your board , you're an adult .

If she wasn't subsidising your food and utilities she would have more money to spend on furniture.

Having said that not sure why she has moved to bigger house if you are due to move out

You're a 25 year old, working adult. You've been very lucky to be free or rent for a long time. But now your mum wants you to pay some. So you pay it, and she spends it on whatever she wants - food, furniture, getting her hair done. You don't get to decide what she spends it on. If it makes you feel better, imagine it being used for food and utilities, freeing some of your mum's own money up for furniture. YABVU, and horribly entitled. No gratitude for being able to live rent-free and save a deposit, just trying to make your mum feel guilty as you wriggle out of contributing.

And I agreed with that.

Just pay a fair rent but look to move out ASAP.