to not want to subsidise my mum's furniture?

[woodbasket]

I am 25 and living in my family home. I had been saving up for a deposit but am now actively looking for a house and making offers etc so hopefully will be moving out ASAP.

I had previously offered to give my mum money towards my food, electricity use etc as I am an adult and wanted to behave and be treated as such. She appreciated my offer but turned it down because I'm her daughter and she was adamant she didn't want to take money from me.

At the end of last year, my mum bought a new house, so I moved with her as I didn't have anywhere of my own. It is a large house towards the top of her budget. There is (in my opinion) adequate furniture but she says she still needs more and decoration etc. She has expensive taste; she is not buying from Ikea/Dunelm/John Lewis etc but from independent shops with more unique pieces of furniture. I do recognise that the house needs blinds.

In the last few weeks there has been conflict between us because she asked me to start contributing financially. However, this was not focused on the food or utilities that I use; her reasoning was, "I need to raise money for furniture somehow". I was surprised to hear this as based on this, had she stayed in the previous house, she would not be requesting money from me - what has changed is that she has moved house and is looking for sources of income for her furniture, not for my expenditure.

AIBU to say no to subsidising the furniture? Apart from blinds, she already has all the essentials; beds, tables, sofas etc. Some of it she brought from her previous house. She has since bought some things that I would see as 'extras' such as additional side tables, ornaments, dressers etc. Nice to have, but only if you save up for them and can afford to spend the money, not essential for living.

I am more than happy to contribute towards the extra costs she experiences because I am living in her house, but I don't want to pay for her non-essential furniture. She also could have chosen to buy a less expensive house that she could pay for more comfortably. I offered to pay for an online grocery shop, as I use the food, but she said that suggestion was me being controlling. She wants cash as she said, "it is my money and I can choose how I spend it". Who is being unreasonable?

Your mum deserves nice things. She has been kind and supportive towards you.

Give your head a wobble.

You are being extremely unreasonable.

I don't get to decide not to pay my mortgage because I don't like what the mortgage company are doing with the money and think they could have tightened their collective belts a bit. Your mum previously didn't charge you rent - very generously - and has now decided she needs to. It's not for you to judge whether her reasons for doing so are 'good enough'; your opinion is irrelevant. Pony up or move out.

YABU

How about you move out and see how much more expensive it is to live independently.

As PP said - it’s not up to you what your mum spends your contribution on and it’s a bit shocking that you think she shouldn’t have nicer furniture. Just pay her a fair rent and let her crack on with it.

It is fair for your mum to ask for rent but I appreciate that it’s frustrating timing, given that you’re actually at the stage of making offers on places and that it’s for her wants rather than her needs.

Yabu. You cost her by living there, you should pay something. What she spends it on is irrelevant.

Huh ? Did I read a different post to you. Op sounds lovely and and offered rent, just isn't willing to buy expensive, unnecessary furniture fit her mum

YABU you should be paying rent to life in her house

What she does with it is up to her

Mighty judgey for a young woman who’s been living at her mum’s place for free, OP!

Pay for your keep. How your mum chooses to spend it is up to her.

YABU. Pay rent, or move out immediately.

"Huh ? Did I read a different post to you. Op sounds lovely and and offered rent, just isn't willing to buy expensive, unnecessary furniture fit her mum."

She doesn't get to tell her mum what she's allowed to spend her money on.

Just like her mum can't dictate what op spends her money on.

How patronising, entitled and ungrateful.

It reads as if op would pay rent if her mum need it for essentials, but won't as her mum 'doesn't really need it' and will waste it on furniture op considers to be unnecessary.

It's none of your business what she spends her money on. Pay rent.

Holy shit balls.

You are disgustingly cheeky.

Pay your bloody way.

Agree a fair rent.
Allow extra for fair contribution to food and utilities.
Its up to her what she spends it on.

Well first of all , it’s not up to you to decide how your mum furnishes her house. It don’t matter if you think she’s got enough of this and enough of that or blah blah blah . It’s her home and her taste and her choice . Previously she declined any money from you because she didn’t need it . She has kindly been supporting you for many years . She still doesn’t want you to pay for food or bills but she would like some contribution from you so as she can put it towards her decor. This should now come from you in the form of rent and it should be none of your business how she spends it . .

My dd rented a room in a house she paid £600 all in. She's back home now and I ask for £300.

I'd work out what you would like to pay as a fair rent and say "is it ok if I give you £xxx a month you can then put it towards furniture if you choose?'

What you don't want is her saying'I've bought a new sofa you owe me £xxxx.' Then a week late ' I bought a table you owe me £xxx.'

As a rule of thumb 20% is typically what parents ask for.

You are being unreasonable. Just pay her a fair amount for your bed and board. You have been able to live there paying nothing so far and if she had been taking the money from you to date maybe she would've had some savings to use for the furniture.

You're being, frankly, a right twat.

Pay your way. What your Mum chooses to spend it on is absolutely none if your business.

I moved out 20 years ago (aged 20). Luckily things were different then and I live in a relatively inexpensive area but I have just done a quick calculation and if I had stayed at home rent free, with all of my food paid for and my utilities covered I would have saved 35-40K!!
How much have you saved in the five years you haven't paid a penny in rent? I imagine you have a very healthy deposit if your mother has been paying all of your living expenses up to now?
You are 25, stop worrying about what your mother spends the money on and stump up some rent money! She deserves nice bloody furniture and she has certainly supported you well into adulthood so perhaps instead of begrudging her nice things take her out and treat her to something she likes!

This. You are the one being subsidised

It’s none of your business what she spends it on you should be paying rent. How much of a deposit do you have saved? Does your mum keep tabs on your savings, does she question when you buy a takeaway or new clothes? wonder how much you would like it.

She can't spend it on what she likes actually she should consider letting her daughter keep her own money for herself (in this day and age the kids will need it ) and pay for her fancy furniture herself. If the ops mum was struggling with bills and basic furniture I would totally get it but said daughter wasn't put on this earth to pay for fancy furniture same way if it was the daughter who wanted expensive items you would never expect her mum to pay for it.

Op you're getting alot of stick here but I'm so shocked especially when i think of myself as a mum or when ive seen my brothers wife struggling and they've only ever leaned on the kids for rent to pay for gas and electricity. I don't doubt you should help your mum if she needed it but seeking out very expensive items is for her to fund not you , what's this utter rubbish ppl are saying to you that she's subsidising you all this time. Erm that's what mums do. I think best way is you set about saving for your own place so you can stand on your own two feet which will be good for you and tell your mum that's your intentions so you need your money and work out a reasonable amount of money to contribute to the bills and food and she can sort out her fancy furniture herself.

@Stuckinthemiddle7890 she did let her daughter keep her money to herself, to the point that she can now afford to buy a place for herself.

She's 25 and doesn't even buy her own food! Who has been subsidising who here?

Her mum's only mistake was assuming she was a proper,reasonable adult . She should've just charged her rent and bills from the start , saving it up and using that money now for the new house. But you know, she wanted to enable her daughter to have her own property. What a bitch,eh?