Having academic parents is a burden

[Bouledeneige]

Between us my XH and I have 5 degrees. He's a professor and I'm a CEO in an industry body. We divorced when the kids were 7 and 5 (they are now 23 and 21) and they've had some tough times since then. As have many in their generation and as students during the pandemic.

My DD has a Fine Art degree and is transitioning to the next stage of her career. She is a brilliant person, good with people, emotionally intelligent, practical.

My DS has had considerable MH problems throughout his degree. He's just quit his Maths degree in the 3rd year. He's very bright and smart but struggles with pressure. He's lost his confidence and mojo.

What he's saying now is that he started to hate his Maths degree at the start of the 2nd year. He's extremely bright and Maths was always his thing - from year zero he just got it.

When DS quit his degree he said that he felt like he was only doing it because of other peoples expectations. His parents, his friends. But I always said there's more to life than a degree. So many people I know now who have good lives have no degree or qualifications. But university is such an easy middle class expectation post school of a route to work.

But I do think having parents who were so academic in their own lives was a burden not a blessing. Thoughts?

I don't agree. One of the predictors of 'success' in life is having supportive parents, and one assumes if well educated they value that for their children, so support them to achieve academically too. But that's not to say those who didn't go to uni are not also supportive or that parents with degrees and postgraduate qualifications can't also support a child going another route.
Me and my husband have postgraduate degrees. We have four children between us. Two went/are going to uni, two did not.
All were supported in what they wanted to do. Another friend, Aldi with post graduate qualifications, two of her three children have not gone to uni, and were not pressured to.
It's the fault of the parents if they cannot see that there are many paths in life. And it is also NOT the fault of parents if their child has struggled - MH health issues are exclusive to one segment of the population.

I always wished for parents that knew how to navigate the workplace and knew about networking, writing resumes, interviewing and applying for internships and jobs. They had no idea.

DH is a Professor and I was an academic librarian, DS decided he didn’t want a traditional route at all and has done a degree apprenticeship. It’s a more hands on approach and it really suits his personality, hard work though.

Both my parents were academic. They both went to uni which is unusual. My dad is a vet so he did a hard degree.

I found A levels and uni hard because of the pressure my parents put on me because of their own experiences. I barely socialised as they were disapproving of this as it’s not what they did… they just studied studied studied and I should be doing that too.

To this day it’s really impacted me and caused me mental health issues as my mindset has been very black and white in that I must do well in my education and my career etc. and it all stems from my parents putting that pressure on me because “it’s what they did” when they were my age.

I was very academic. Always had my head in a book. Thirsty for knowledge. I was also painfully shy and awkward. But I knew I wanted to do my A Levels then go to university, which I did.

My kids? Forget it. Both hate reading. But they are brimming with confidence in a way I’ve never experienced. They’re not academic, but they are full of life.

Sorry to hear about your DS's struggles OP. I agree with pp that mental health in young people is getting worse for a number of different reasons, and I think the fact that his parents are academic was probably not the main issue for your DS.

I guess it could be in a way it just depends.

My parents were not academic at all and my mother offered zero support and was dismissive.

I ended up with quite a few degrees including a PhD and ended up working on some groundbreaking things and hold multiple patents.

In a way, I think that is a burden to my children, and maybe they thought they should have excelled the way I have. I think now that they are older, they understand that I am an outlier and there isn't any expectation from me to do something similar.

All I really wanted was them to get a decent education so they could support themselves and not struggle. I didn't want to see them struggling with minimum wage jobs.

So neither one of my children went into the same career that I did and that's fine. However, two of my grandchildren have.

I mean I just see academic qualifications as a means to an end really.. they’re there to boost your career. My mums an academic and is obsessed by my brother not having a degree like it’s the root of all his problems (it isn’t). Ironically I think her academic background is the cause of most of hers! She can be arrogant about intellect and has a very one dimensional view of what it means to be clever, bright or successful. IMO it’s an old fashioned way of seeing things, and quite restrictive in a career sense. I almost get the impression my mum hides in her academic ways and has had a really career within it that has almost shielded her from ‘real life’ and also real business and commerce in my opinion. I think my brother would agree with you that having academic parents is a burden if they expect you to take that same path.

Could he do something different in a different location, like in America?
Use his credits from his course so far in the USA and perhaps major in Actuarial Sciences or something like that? . . .

Can he switch to computer science? Or another degree? Maths becomes more like an art than a science at degree. It can get difficult.

Leaving in final year is tough. Good luck to him.
Can you not employ him in your firm?

I am quietly steering my child away from university at the moment. She is bright enough to get in to some mid level generic course but lacks direction. A degree isn’t the ticket to success we all thought it was in the past. Most of my circle are either successful without a degree, or mothers in part time jobs not using their degrees. Once she has decided what she wants to do she can go as a mature age student

Sometimes having a "thing" can be more of a curse than a blessing.

For some reason, maths as a "thing" can become interwoven with your entire view of yourself as a human. Maybe it's because the culture sets "maths people" on a pedestal? The reputation of being a maths brain can bring pressure without a word from parents or anyone in the family. Art can also be a "thing" but it is creative, there's no right or wrong to it, and while it is very challenging at third level, it's not an area of study where difficulty increases inexorably, on an upward trajectory.

Overall, I'd say it's better to emphasise effort, dedication, organisation, etc, not any specific subject or area, and not any supposed innate ability, gift, or "thing". Let children find out who they are themselves.

I know two people who took a step back and restarted university after starting in very maths heavy degree courses. One took a year off and started in another STEM area, graduated, and has had a very happy and fulfilling career. One took four years off, traveled, worked in retail, and also re-entered university in another STEM area, currently full steam ahead with one year left before graduation.

I disagree. Having unsupportive/pushy/controlling parents who want their children to be ‘mini-mes’, have unrealistically high expectations and don’t allow children to pursue dreams and passions, are a burden. But this could equally be said of, say, a tradesman who pushes a shy, sensitive, academic son to follow in his footsteps.

This has been interesting reading. DH and I, both professors. All I want for DC is to be happy and follow their interests. Don't care if they go to uni or not, it's not the be all and end all. If you've been told one thing is your 'thing' all your life, it must be quite difficult and stressful if you start finding that thing hard. Also, in the case of the OP, the random two year separation from her son during the first two years of the degree is surely a big factor here!

My ds started worrying about a degree and his earnings potential far too early so I've been careful to show him as many different careers and approaches to life as I can.

He too is great at maths and physics, will take both (and DT) at A'level.

But I've introduced him to roofing, he's done courses in metal work, and works experience with a land agent and a farmer. Explained that a master thatcher makes £120k a year where we live. A skilled slater, not much less. Shown him that a degree is not necessary unless he wants to do it. It took away some of the pressure.

He enjoys problem solving and adapting things to make them work. I think he'll end up with an engineering career of some kind (hydro or electrical possibly) but it will be his decision.

This.

From what you’ve said op, given your DS’s academic abilities and interests, going to university was the right option for him but he’s been derailed by MH issues.

I do think it’s a problem when parents reduce their child’s value to how successful they are, academically or otherwise, but you don’t sound like you’ve treated him like that at all.

It was brave of your DS to step away from his degree when he found he couldn’t cope. Hopefully he can find the space and time to get his MH back on track and find out what he wants to do next.

I would stop stressing about that and be grateful you and your ex husband aren’t fucked up junkies who neglected their kids. I mean this kindly, but you’re talking from a position of privilege. Your kids have an engaged parent who is financially comfortable and love and care about them. It doesn’t get better than that.

I agree with the Duchess of Pork, that you are completely overthinking this. You are a loving mum who only wanted the best for your dc.

You could not have supported him more, with his MH, because typically those that really need it don't want the help.

What will your ds do now?
How is his MH now more importantly.

My yr2 uni ds1 had his camp America (New York) interview again last week, he's doing it again this summer having loved it so much last summer.

Apprenticeships aren't easy to get, aren't for the faint hearted. Most of them are taken by the crème de la crème of applicants who have turned down uni in favour of an apprenticeship!

The important thing is actually that you raised your son to know when to speak his mind and quit something at the right time. He gave it a year after feeling like he wanted to quit, thought about it carefully and did. That’s seriously commendable.

FWIW my parents aren’t academics but both very intelligent and have degrees. I went to Oxford uni and when they dropped me off my dad told me ‘it’s just like any other university, if you don’t like it you can always come home’. They meant it too. My brother dropped out of uni twice but then completed an OU degree that suited him better. My parents told him if he didn’t want a degree at all that was fine by them. Basically, what matters is teaching your children that as adult their choices are all that matter, not yours.

Our now grown up and through the other side of university children I think felt they had to go. All four parents had at least one degree each and two of us worked in academia. While we encouraged looking around and were clear that they didn't have to go etc they all still went. It seems to have worked out for them but could easily not have. I think there's too much pressure societally for higher education to be what everyone aspires to.

My DH dropped out of his maths degree many years ago. It was his best subject at school and came easily to him, but consequently he drifted in to doing maths at uni without questioning whether he really enjoyed it enough.

He ended up doing two degrees with the OU in a completely different subject he found he enjoyed in his 30s. Has a successful career.

It was nothing to do with his parents, who weren't academic at all.

I think resilience is key here.

I've known so many kids who identify as being "clever" because they aren't challenged (not academically per se but music / sports / whatever they find difficult).

If we, as a society, don't teach failure, then when it happens, kids don't know how to deal with that failure.

And not just academically. I've seen friends get divorced when they struggled to have children and really mentally spiral because they've never not had something before.

Schools don't always challenge kids as they should and they don't learn skills of resilience as they should.

Some people don't get on with uni in general, and or realised they've picked the wrong subject.
That can happen to anyone. I come from a fairly academic family and left school at 16. I'm kind of the black sheep of the family so to speak. I guess if my family were less educated I'd feel less of a failure in some ways, in that my failure could be attributed to my background. When it categorically cannot in my case.