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Original poster

To feel uncomfortable by my daughter's bond with her father?

55 replies

Mumoftwinsandasingleton · 12/04/2024 21:46

I can't tell if I'm just being jealous or if I have reason to be uncomfortable with my 3 year old and my husband's bond. They are so tight that I have zero influence over my daughter and she doesn't want to spend any time with me. She loves her dad dearly and I find it sweet but I also wish she would love to spend time with me. My husband was away for one full week and my daughter was so sweet to me. I really cherished those moments. Since he came back, she treats me like dirt and doesn't want to spend any time with me. I suggested reading her a bedtime story and she immediately cried that she wanted just her dad to do it. She's like this all the time even before the holiday.

It doesn't help that my husband seems to see her as his favourite child. He always wants to spend time with her and loves her dearly. Sometimes when I'm talking to him, my 3 year old will interrupt and he'll carry on a short conversation with her as if she's more important. Then he'll look back to me and say, "so what were you saying?" I kind of feel a bit replaced by her but also know it's all completely innocent. I can't tell if I'm just a weird person who should not be bothered by their bond or if I'm being reasonable.

Further context: I didn't grow up with a father, so have no idea what is normal.
I have spoken to my husband but he says that he's the fun one and I shouldn't take it personally
He gets quite frustrated whenever I suggest our 3 year old is the favourite
He mentions that our 7 month old twins are great but that the bond is stronger between him and our 3 year old because the babies need me more right now

OP posts:
ConfrontationDoesntHaveToBeScarey · 12/04/2024 21:51

With 7 months twins is a good job she's fond of her Dad! She probs sees you so busy with the babies so it's easier for her Dad to give her attention. It will be a phase though.

I'm not sure how you would have wanted him to handle her interruption any different. She is the important one as she's the child and she won't have the social skills to know how not to interrupt yet. I don't think he did anything wrong there.

MidnightPatrol · 12/04/2024 21:53

I’m sure with 7 month old twins, much of your attention is taken up by them, meaning she turns to Daddy instead.

IMO children go through periods of being obsessed with either parent. Normal, if a bit mean feeling at times.

I’d be trying to carve out more 1-2-1 time with her.

And regarding favouritism… a three year old probably is more fun than 7 month old twins tbh. I don’t think it’s fair to ask him that!

MissingMoominMamma · 12/04/2024 21:54

It will even out. Don’t worry!

Notimeforaname · 12/04/2024 21:59

If all three kids only wanted you I bet youd probably be on here saying you were too overwhelmed, dd only wants you, you cant get a second and she wont let husband see to her etc.

Lots of kids do this. I was like this. Openly told my mother I loved dad more...didn't realise how it sounded as a child but I didn't actually mean it.

He was the fun one who worked all day, mum was the practical one who made me brush my teeth and told me 'no' more because I was around her more.

PirateIsland · 12/04/2024 21:59

If you are reading her story and one of the twins cry do you put the book down and tell her to wait a minute? What would dad do in that situation? That's not for any judgement but just to make you think about what could be going through her mind. It will not be that she doesn't like mum. All kids go through different mum and dad stages.

The conversation thing sounds totally normal for small kids in the house for either parent.

3 year olds are more fun. Have a proper conversation with him if you are getting all the time with the twins and him all with the 3 year old and work out how to fix that now they are getting older.

AGlinnerOfHope · 12/04/2024 22:03

He’s loved the 3 year old for three years, they have shared history and personality, a fully developed relationship.

The twins are only just past the ‘adorable potato’ stage. It will take time for an equal bond to develop.

Original poster
Mumoftwinsandasingleton · 12/04/2024 22:04

Thanks everyone for telling me I'm being unreasonable. It really does help me! Our twins are loads of fun by the way. They have just started to crawl and they make everyone laugh. They are such good babies. 3 year old is also a sweetheart (when I'm not trying to force a bond with her). I guess we'll have a stronger bond once the babies are her age

OP posts:
socks1107 · 12/04/2024 22:09

My daughter at that age used to have huge tantrums when her dad left for work. Now at age 20 we have a lovely relationship. Don't worry about it she's only 3 xx

sparepantsandtoothbrush · 12/04/2024 22:11

Are the twins boys?

Comedycook · 12/04/2024 22:14

she treats me like dirt

This is a very odd phrase to use about a 3 year old.

JMSA · 12/04/2024 22:35

I promise you it will get better. This is just a phase, and they come and go Flowers

Milkand2sugarsplease · 12/04/2024 23:01

I'd take it as a win - coming from a mum who has been so over touched by DS 2.5 for the entire easter break.

If I'm not around he will happily play with DH. If I'm there it HAS to be me, but he has to be touching me at the same time so he's clamped to my side constantly!!

melodypondisasuperhero · 12/04/2024 23:08

My son was the same starting around 2, I definitely wouldn’t say he treated me like dirt but he was definitely a daddy’s boy. I think it was because I went back to work, daddy had always gone to work so that was normal but mummy going to work was like I “abandoned” him. It passed at some point when he was 3 or 4 and now he’s 8 and it’s completely the other way around.

Lmox · 12/04/2024 23:22

perfectly normal. Children often see their secondary caregiver as the ‘fun parent’. But the primary caregiver is the one they’ll go to if they are in distress or are sick etc. if she treats you worse sometimes it’s because she feels secure that you’ll still love her x

Original poster
Mumoftwinsandasingleton · 13/04/2024 01:34

sparepantsandtoothbrush · 12/04/2024 22:11

Are the twins boys?

Boy and girl. Why?

OP posts:
crumblingschools · 13/04/2024 01:38

Can you pass babies over to DH so you can have 1:1 time with your 3yo so you can be the fun parent

Retrievemysanity · 13/04/2024 07:17

It’s normal and it does change over time. Youngest DD was all about me when she was little. I worked v part time and was always there with her doing things in the early years. I was definitely her favourite parent just because we had a lot of time together. She’s 13 now and actually much more like DH in personality and they get on really well and spend more time together.

Didimum · 13/04/2024 07:22

It’s very normal, but your DH should be regularly directing her attention to you and definitely not letting her interrupt you when you’re speaking. My six yr old twins often prefer their dad (not to this extreme) and DH always makes sure to include me, insist they spend time with me even he’s there and always pulls them up on interrupting.

HoppingPavlova · 13/04/2024 07:25

Since he came back, she treats me like dirt and doesn't want to spend any time with me

I refuse to believe a 3yo child can ‘treat you like dirt’. Honestly. I think far more likely she was put aside a little due to the intense requirements of newborn twins and has reacted to that by clinging to her dad as an innate act of self-preservation as opposed to some well thought out planned tactic to treat you badly.

weareallcats · 13/04/2024 07:31

From reading on here and speaking to friends in real life, I think lots of dc have a phase like this. Especially when there is a new baby (new babies in your case!).

PracticallyPerfectedIt · 13/04/2024 07:35

Being obsessed with one parent is a normal phase, especially after a big change.

The conversation thing I wouldn't tolerate, I've taught mine for a very young age not to interrupt and to wait until someone is ready to speak to them. Even at 3 she would understand 'give me a wee second until mummy's finished speaking and then I can listen to you'.

WaltzingWaters · 13/04/2024 07:40

My 2yo DS is the same with me. I try to include daddy when he’s home, but he just wants me. Will be fine with dad when he knows I’m not there at all.
It is normal, especially seeing as you’ve recently had twins so there’s probably a bit of jealousy there, though I know it must be hard for you. Just keep showering her with love, this is a phase and it won’t be forever (hopefully her love for her dad will, but the pushing you away I mean).

Her dad shouldn’t let her interrupt though, unless something urgent he should teach her to wait until you finish your conversation (even if the conversation is cut short).

Sunnysidegold · 13/04/2024 07:41

I think sometimes theres that thing where you're at home with her and the babies and you do all the boring stuff like make her get dressed, tell her no, and then maybe with having two little babies (full on by the way!) you have to split yourself.

Then dad comes in after a day at work and he's all happy to see her and goes to play and do "fun" stuff. I think it does even out later though!

MustBeNapTime · 13/04/2024 07:44

Lmox · 12/04/2024 23:22

perfectly normal. Children often see their secondary caregiver as the ‘fun parent’. But the primary caregiver is the one they’ll go to if they are in distress or are sick etc. if she treats you worse sometimes it’s because she feels secure that you’ll still love her x

This. Our daughter is 15, she's STILL daddy's girl... when he comes in, she literally runs to him and her face lights up. But, if she is unwell or needs to talk, it's me she turns to. And that's okay, it has given me some much needed peace and quiet over the years (always look for the plus side!). 😂I also love to see them, heads together, bickering and teasing each other, it's such a sweet bond.

Catopia · 13/04/2024 07:50

I think lots of Dads feel a bit helpless when they are little babes - Mums have spent months bonding with them during pregnancy, and many also through breastfeeding. Lots of Dads come into their own when the kids get that little bit older, like your DD, and they can do more "stuff" together. Kids that age do also tend to fluctuate between a favoured parent - there will be days when she only wants mummy, and only wants daddy. It won't be one way forever. Now that the twins are likely in some sort of a routine, allocate some 1:1 fun play and bonding time with her every day, maybe when they have a nap. Carve out time to be fun mummy with her, not just practical mummy or nagging mummy or mummy who meets her needs, but does not sit and build lego or have tea parties or is constantly distracted by one of the twins. It's hard, but both of you will benefit from this time.

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