To feel uncomfortable by my daughter's bond with her father?

[Mumoftwinsandasingleton]

I can't tell if I'm just being jealous or if I have reason to be uncomfortable with my 3 year old and my husband's bond. They are so tight that I have zero influence over my daughter and she doesn't want to spend any time with me. She loves her dad dearly and I find it sweet but I also wish she would love to spend time with me. My husband was away for one full week and my daughter was so sweet to me. I really cherished those moments. Since he came back, she treats me like dirt and doesn't want to spend any time with me. I suggested reading her a bedtime story and she immediately cried that she wanted just her dad to do it. She's like this all the time even before the holiday.

It doesn't help that my husband seems to see her as his favourite child. He always wants to spend time with her and loves her dearly. Sometimes when I'm talking to him, my 3 year old will interrupt and he'll carry on a short conversation with her as if she's more important. Then he'll look back to me and say, "so what were you saying?" I kind of feel a bit replaced by her but also know it's all completely innocent. I can't tell if I'm just a weird person who should not be bothered by their bond or if I'm being reasonable.

Further context: I didn't grow up with a father, so have no idea what is normal.
I have spoken to my husband but he says that he's the fun one and I shouldn't take it personally
He gets quite frustrated whenever I suggest our 3 year old is the favourite
He mentions that our 7 month old twins are great but that the bond is stronger between him and our 3 year old because the babies need me more right now

YABU it’s a phase with young children to prefer a particular parent. But you also have young baby twins so it’s totally understandable to be a bit sensitive. It will pass.

I always thought of my dad as the 'fun' one and adored him at that age. I think you've nothing to worry about. She will be close to you when she's a bit older, I'm sure.
What dad should do is say, mummy's got this lovely story to read to you, and maybe she won't act bratty about it if the suggestion comes from him?

Your being unreasonable, what other possible reason could there be for you to be uncomfortable with a loving dad and his 3 year old DD having a lovely relationship other than you are jealous?

‘She’s the important one because she’s the child’

Healthy homes give everyone rights.

I think the important thing is that both you and your dh are completely on the same page re. Behaviour and what's acceptable... you both need equal time to look after her and do fun stuff together and equally need to he imposing boundaries. Also he needs to step in with the twins more too - the easy way out would be to let him focus on your dd while you take care of the twins but that's not fair and he also needs to feel confident looking after the babies on his own just as I'm sure you are.

Its hard to know.
The way you write doesnt read as healthy/ the actual reality.

A 3 yr old treats you like dirt - really?

You feel replaced as his wife because he takes 30sec out of a conversation to answer a toddler (who has no impulse control) this is something which honestly a lot of mothers and fathers do a few times a day.

Its very black and white.

Take your DD out alone on nice but easy playdates / trips and leave your twins with your DH and also try and get some date nights in to reconnect with him.

Dont spend a tonne of money on some fancy event it puts pressure on. Ypu want something low key and easy. A fun park and ice cream, a new softplay.... something casual.

I only have 2 under 3 and it is HARD. You essentially have 3 babies on your hands its really hard work.

That said i do wonder if your DH is playing up to this dynamic as a 3 yr old girl is easier than twins under 1... so it suits him that you get lumped with the twins because DD loves daddy soooo much.
He should on the same page and creating opps for you and dd not just playing at fun daddy.

Can you swap roles a bit more - DH has the twins and you take DD somewhere? It’s easy to fall into the trap where mum has the baby/babies and Dad has the older child the whole time. Appreciate tricky if BF but hopefully easier now weaning?

I’m disturbed by his comment that ‘he is the fun one’. Are you being left to the drudgery and boundaries whilst he waltzes in for ‘fun’. Don’t let this become the pattern as you will end up being pushed out whilst they grow and bond together. I speak as the daughter in a family dynamic like this. My poor Mum. I feel really sorry for her looking back.

You H needs to step up with the twins and drudgery to ensure you get dedicated one to one time with your daughter too.

It's normal, both my girls did this. It hurts but it's normal development.

What is wrong is your dh is enabling her interrupting your conversation. She should be asked to wait.

Sounds totally normal, especially when you have babies. Your headline made me think it was something totally inappropriate. Most kids have a favourite parent which changes over time. But talk to DH about not interrupting.

They go through phases. Soon enough it will be mummy all the time. But it’s lovely that she and her dad enjoy each other so much right now.

This is a very odd phrase to use about a 3 year old

No it isn't @Comedycook , treating someone "like dirt" is a common expression and OP makes it clear with her examples what she means. If that one goady comment is the extent of your wisdom perhaps you should stick to Pedants Corner.

She’s probably focussing on dad because you are busy with tiny twins.

My DN favoured their DD while my DS was busy with a new baby and healing from a cesarian (so no pick ups for DN1). It did take a couple of years but everything settled down again.

Yes its a common phrase but I've never heard it used about a toddler. Treating someone like dirt usually involves a conscious choice and decision to behave in a certain way. It is relevant because it signifies that the op is taking this behaviour extremely personally. She also seems to be placing far too much responsibility for her own feelings on a three year old.

Completely normal as pp's have stated. My 4yo DS only ever wants me, even if I've had a day off work and he's had all my attention all day, his dad comes home and he still clings to me/ cuddles me and isn't interested in dad.

Forgot to say don't take it so personally!

Very normal for them to prefer one parent over the other, and in particular to prefer dad when there's a new baby (or babies!) monopolising mum.

I'd be wary of the "fun parent" comment from him though - he needs to be doing plenty of the saying no, giving out, eat your vegetables drudgery too. It's not parenting to just do the fun stuff.

I know it mightn't be like that - my DH is the fun parent, but that's because I'm not particularly fun in general. He still does his share of being the bad guy and giving out when they need it. But just be sure your DH is the same.

Totally normal for kids to go through (long!) phases of preferring one parent over the other.

But, reading between the lines, it does sound to me like he gets the rather easier fun stuff with 3 year old while you get the hard work of the twins? That needs to be equal - you get to take her somewhere fun while he sits at home with the babies. 1:1 time is really important when siblings come along.

He also needs to stop the favouritism. Yes, she needs different things to the babies right now. But parents have to learn to meet individual needs while being fair.

I think it's perfectly normal for your 3 year old to be clingy to dad, she has had quite a big change in her life with twin babies coming along and will obviously be taking up a lot of your time! Please try not to take it personally, it's just a phase. Just continue to be your normal loving self with her. Maybe try and get dad more involved in caring for the babies so you are free to do some fun things with her?

From what you've posted there's nothing amiss there and it does seem like something you need to work on in yourself. Children will often have a much preferred parent. Sometimes this waxes and wanes, sometimes it's established and fixed. It can feel hurtful to the parent who's not favourite at the time, but there's not a thing you can do about it other than accept, stop comparing and focus on making your own relationship with the child as good as it can be. (Resisting at all costs the temptation to give up, opt out and let them get on with it..as that's very unhealthy) Its very possible in your case your DD is responding to sharing you with the babies, so it may well even out in time.
As for your jealousy of your DD, you must absolutely get a grip on this as priority. She is not your rival. She is his child and you are his wife and both have your place. So he puts you on pause to speak to her? Many people do this because its quicker and easier to respond to and validate a child than upset them by ignoring them. At toddler age I think that's fine. Though eventually your DD will have to be taught to wait her turn, there's time for that.

I have spoken to my husband but he says that he's the fun one and I shouldn't take it personally

I'd be taking issue with this though. No wonder she wants him!

It's not fair that he be perceived as the 'fun one' whilst you're trying to be a 'parent'. He needs to parent and you need time to be fun.

She is three. Is not a conscious thing. It is great she has strong bond with her dad. Just ignore and give back love.

The breaking conversation with you when your daughter wants his attention is what my mum does with all the grandkids, but she never actually returns her attention back to however was talking to her first. I just walk off and give up when that happens

"Hang on, darling, Mummy is talking and then I'll listen to you."

Simple.

Your daughter isn’t treating you like dirt. 3 year olds are hired wired to be selfish. Dad gives her what she needs, straightaway, atm. It really is that simple. Your family dynamic will change countless times over the years.
I’d be happy that your eldest has such a loving dad whilst you, naturally, have to focus on the twins.

You need to try really hard not to take it personally.