Another DH hobby one

[rosielady5]

First time poster so please be kind!
Been with DH for 16 years, married for 13 years, 3 DC aged 10, 8 and 4. Both work full time.

For the last 6 years he has been going to football games. Due to the team he supports and where we live this involves him being out of the house the whole day, due to time for him to drive there and back. He also goes to away games which sometimes involves overnights. He’s then pretty tired the next day.

This has constantly been an issue in our relationship due to me feeling abandoned, lonely, left on my own with the kids etc. We’ve had many arguments and been to couples counselling. We’ve agreed that he limits it to one game per month as a compromise, however he will then sneak in extra games, tell me he’s taking all 3 kids so I have a break, tell me he’s paid for tickets now so will lose money if he doesn’t go. I’ve told him he’s basically manipulating me and is being selfish.

He’s said I just need to do more things just me, which I have done but then it doesn’t leave time for couple time and time with the kids.

Things came to a head this week when I realised he had booked in 3 games this month. One he’s already been to last week. Of the other 2 one is an overnight.
I’m so fed up of him prioritising football over me and the kids. He is obsessed. He does have ADHD and takes medication, but I’ve tried to say before he needs to get an ADHD counsellor/coach as well as taking the meds. He agrees, says he’s going to do it but then never does. Before football his obsession was drink. I said I was going to leave as he could be horrible after a drink so he stopped drinking and just moved onto football.

He’s now accusing me of being controlling by saying he should just go once per month (even though he previously agreed to this) told me his friends think I am crazy for being like this, and when I said even his mother agrees with me that he goes to too many games, he said she is a twat!! He says as well as been a dad and DH, he is also an individual and can have his own stuff outside of us. Which I agree with but not to the level he is taking it.

I’ve told him I want to separate as I cant handle it anymore, he can be single and go to as many games as he wants then. I don’t want to separate though, I want him to be reasonable and balance his hobby with his family, and get help from a counsellor.

I’ve read many threads on here about DHs and their hobbies, I don’t want to join him going to football as I really can’t stand it!

AIBU?

I agree with you that he's being selfish and not pulling his weight in the family, but dont issue ultimatums you dont mean - it can blow up in your face and backfire badly.

Thanks, I will go through with it, so do mean it. I just dont want to have to do it if that makes sense! We're taking some time apart at the moment.

It's okay to like football and to go to games BUT there are times in your life when you need to cut back. When you have small children is that time.

My DH is a season ticket holder but only went to home games while DS was young and always cancelled if a family thing came up.

He goes to more games now because he takes DS with him.

He is being very selfish and needs to readjust his priorities.

Your husband doesn't value you at all. I would not remain married to a man like him.

I want him to be reasonable and balance his hobby with his family, and get help from a counsellor.

I know you do but he won’t, if he was going to he’d have done it by now 💐

I think the adhd is quite key in how you handle this. Have you had any relationship counselling? I’d look for a relationship counsellor with adhd experience. I’m guessing he is getting and craving a dopamine hit from the football but needs to see this himself and it would be great if you could find someone who can provide a space and structure for you to agree a way forward together.

I think its OK to go to the football but as long as he's still making time for his wife, kids and life outside of football. I know plenty of season ticket holders, and they make it work with family time and couples time too. I think his problem is the away games, I think with a wife and children it's fair to say EITHER home or away games, not all.

If my partner told me I could only do my hobby once a month then I would be the one leaving.

You do sound quite controlling to be saying this to him .
Is it because you only want him to spend his free time with you and no one else ?

Your kids are not babies/ toddlers so I don’t see it as he needs to be with them all weekend either

If my partner expected me to be the default parent so they could do hobbies whenever it suited them I would consider them controlling. They are controlling how much free time I am allowed by prioritising their interests over sharing childcare.

I have a hobby, it’s 3 hours out the house one evening a week, not a full day of me shirking my responsibilities and then moaning I’m tired the next day.

Your kids are not babies/ toddlers so I don’t see it as he needs to be with them all weekend either

But someone still needs to look after them. It's not fair that the OP is seen as the default parent while her husband comes and goes as he pleases.

I have a hobby that involves weekends away. I wouldn’t dream of doing it more than 2 or 3 times a year and that’s only because our children are older. Weekends are generally for a bit of family time.

You'd be a delight to be in a relationship with then. Zero time for family or kids, just all your time with your hobby because you're making sure no one gets to tell you what to do.

Wouldn't you yourself want to make sure you're part of the family and making it work with a balance? Or no?

How much parenting does he do?

If you do split, ask him how he will cope with the weekends he has the DC?

Another adult isn’t going to convince him that he has the wrong priorities.
Yes, any councillor or living breathing human will agree he should be more involved in the family he created. But that’s obviously not going to happen.
This is the real him, selfish and manipulative. BTW this has zero to do with ADHD.

Wow can you send him my way because if all my other half wanted to do is go to football I’d be very happy. I’m not sure if your post is meant to be sarcastic or tongue in cheek and if it really isn’t then I’m sorry but from what you have said I’m kinda struggling to see what the problem is. So he goes to football and sometimes he takes the kids - that sounds like heaven to me. Time for a relaxing bath and a glass of wine, or a girlie night or weekend away, or even just an early night with a corny film and a box of chocolates.

Now I don’t know much about football but from what I know they don’t play all the time so they so what does he do when they don’t play, does he still go out ? Can I ask does he go out without you at any other times or is it just football ?

My other half is into fishing and I hate everything about it and maybe i was a bit like you are now but we certainly never thought of splitting up over it, in fact i remember he spoke to the other guys he goes with and we all went out for dinner one night and I didn’t know them, but they all brought their partners and now when the boys go off for a weekend of fishing, all the girls get together and have a night out, not every time but at least once every 2-3 months.

I think if you carry on with your demands you will loose him and trust me the grass isn’t always greener. Unless of course you just want someone you can control and keep in a box until it suits you.

Let the poor bloke go and watch football, better than being in a strip club, and you go and enjoy yourself, and maybe if you stop trying to control him you might find that your marriage improves.

How can you possibly say that ? What cause the poor bloke wants to watch football ? What would it be suitable for him to do, stand in a corner a wait for her to ring the bell.

Since being a teenager I had a rule of never dating a man who likes football - and the OP is living my nightmare!

Just because you'd be happy with this kind of shit relationship doesn't mean we all would be.

OP I'm so sorry you're going through this, the truth is going to football and hanging out with his football mates etc will always be his priority.

I understand you don't necessarily want to end your marriage over this (although it might come to that) so you vent away on here hun. He's totally shit

So he's basically done this since you had kids... wake up and smell the coffee, he's opting out of family life.

You don't get that luxury because you're the house adult. But as the house adult, you get to decide what you will and won't tolerate.

It was for this reason I chose a husband who didn’t like football.

I honestly don’t get why anyone would want to watch some blokes kicking a ball around. But your DH does.
now that your kids are older compromise on 2 x a month max as long as you do stuff together, your DH needs to include your Dc in one of those.

Is it only me who feels kinda sorry for this bloke ? Can I ask does he help around the house, does he do any shopping or cooking ? Would you say he is a good dad ? I don’t think his ADHD has anything to do with it, that doesn’t make him go to football. Do you have any hobbies and interests ? Would you give them up for him ? Neither of you should be made to give up things you enjoy. I really don’t mean this this wrong way but it seems you have been married for a while and yet this is only recently a problem, could their be an underlying issue and the football is the straw that breaks the camel’s back. Also my friend had the early menopause and she admits it herself that she went ballistic over the smallest of things. At the end of the day this is your marriage and all we can do on here is give you our opinions. I think you need to have a conversation between the two of you and be honest with him, but if I was you, I’d be asking myself do I love him and do I want to save our marriage and if the answer is yes to both then you somehow have to make it work. Both of you have to compromise and remember, he is your husband, not one of the kids. Good luck and I really hope it works out for you both

Depending on which team your husband supports the season is ending soon. Can you do the things you’d like to do until it starts again and try and reach a compromise that works for you as a family.

Unfortunately, this will be an ongoing battle with him unless he decides he wants to spend more time as a family. YANBU to want a partner in life who doesn't leave you alone most weekends or expect you to be satisfied with crumbs of time during football season. Your kids are still young, and he's missing out on irreplaceable time with them.

I'd be furious that he's agreed to one thing then gone back on his word by sneaking in more time away from the family. At least be adult enough to tell the truth from the start! I'd suggest trying to compromise, but it sounds like the two of you did make an agreement which he then has tried to unilaterally change rather than renegotiate. You can keep trying, though it sounds like he'll continue to try to have it all his way.

They’re pretty little - the youngest is 4, so not much more than a toddler. 4 yos are pretty full on just on their own, and the older two aren’t beyond the stage of needing looking after.

Its not doing a hobby that takes a couple of hours once a month, this takes whole days, and sometimes overnights.

OP, it’s the obsessive nature of his hobbies that’s the problem I think. And if he’s not willing to address that, I can’t see a future for you both. Yes, it may be caused by ADHD, but that means he and you know the cause and can take steps to cope with it. ADHD isn’t a free pass to do what you like, it’s an explanation for behaviours and needs which should help to manage them (my DS has ADHD, and we do see a coach).

If you post on MN, there's quite a proportion of posters who will say the man is wrong, just because he is the man.
If you post on MN about football, then vast swathes of poster will say he is wrong because it involves football.

From what you have said, a) he sometimes takes the dc anyway and b) he is very happy to have them when you do whatever hobby or interest or relaxation you want to do.
But it seems you don't want to do that, you just want to control him, because you don't like his hobby. So yes,, for that YABU.

If he's only going to 3 matches this month, then he has compromised. The thing with a compromise is, both sides need to do it. It seems you want him to stop doing his hobby altogether.