Another DH hobby one

[rosielady5]

First time poster so please be kind!
Been with DH for 16 years, married for 13 years, 3 DC aged 10, 8 and 4. Both work full time.

For the last 6 years he has been going to football games. Due to the team he supports and where we live this involves him being out of the house the whole day, due to time for him to drive there and back. He also goes to away games which sometimes involves overnights. He’s then pretty tired the next day.

This has constantly been an issue in our relationship due to me feeling abandoned, lonely, left on my own with the kids etc. We’ve had many arguments and been to couples counselling. We’ve agreed that he limits it to one game per month as a compromise, however he will then sneak in extra games, tell me he’s taking all 3 kids so I have a break, tell me he’s paid for tickets now so will lose money if he doesn’t go. I’ve told him he’s basically manipulating me and is being selfish.

He’s said I just need to do more things just me, which I have done but then it doesn’t leave time for couple time and time with the kids.

Things came to a head this week when I realised he had booked in 3 games this month. One he’s already been to last week. Of the other 2 one is an overnight.
I’m so fed up of him prioritising football over me and the kids. He is obsessed. He does have ADHD and takes medication, but I’ve tried to say before he needs to get an ADHD counsellor/coach as well as taking the meds. He agrees, says he’s going to do it but then never does. Before football his obsession was drink. I said I was going to leave as he could be horrible after a drink so he stopped drinking and just moved onto football.

He’s now accusing me of being controlling by saying he should just go once per month (even though he previously agreed to this) told me his friends think I am crazy for being like this, and when I said even his mother agrees with me that he goes to too many games, he said she is a twat!! He says as well as been a dad and DH, he is also an individual and can have his own stuff outside of us. Which I agree with but not to the level he is taking it.

I’ve told him I want to separate as I cant handle it anymore, he can be single and go to as many games as he wants then. I don’t want to separate though, I want him to be reasonable and balance his hobby with his family, and get help from a counsellor.

I’ve read many threads on here about DHs and their hobbies, I don’t want to join him going to football as I really can’t stand it!

AIBU?

Thanks for all the posts, really helpful to see different perspectives.

He does do things at home like food shop and cooking, mainly bly due to my working hours, and I do all the cleaning, tidying, kids homework etc.

I think the additional problem is that it's not just going to football games. He's on football groups etc online so is constantly on his phone, even when we're trying to have family timer. He also buys and sells football shirts online so another reason to be on his phone but this also means he's constantly sorting the shirts out, taking to post office or delivering, picking up from various locations. To the point where he has had words from his boss about not doing his hours because the shirt selling is taking up his time. He's promised to stop shirt selling about a year ago due to it eating into family time and hasn't. Yes the extra money he makes from it is nice but I've said I would prefer to have more of his time than the extra money. He can do it when the kids are older and off doing their own thing.

I dont think you get to tell him when he can do things. But he needs to make it work around family.

ADHD isn’t an excuse for being a selfish bastard.

3 games a month isn't much in the grand scheme of things, especially if he's taking the children with him for at least one of the games. What do you do for the rest of the month?

It sounds more like he's not putting any effort into family time because of the other football related activities, which is a problem for you so needs addressing.

No, but three full Saturdays out of four is a lot of family time.

I think the issue is he is gone all day Saturday, then too tired to do much on Sunday - so that's actually three out of four weekends pretty much gone. Plus one of them is an overnight.

My suggestion for compromise would be he goes to home games only (still a full day because his "home" team isn't actually near his home) and he takes the kids to every other one.

That way a four week rotation would be:

Wk 1: Dad at football having a break, Mum having Mum time with kids. Sunday - Dad takes kids out in morning, Mum lie in/mooch.

Wk 2: Family weekend.

Wk 3: Dad takes kids to football, having Dad time with them, Mum gets a break. Sunday - Mum takes kids out in morning, Dad lie in/mooch.

Wk 4: Family time.

To me that would be MUCH fairer.

My DH and both DC are season ticket holders but mostly only go to home games ( which work out 2x a month ) I’ve got used to the two free Saturdays a month to myself.
If there’s an away game in a city we’d like to visit or a seaside Town we will sometimes make a weekend of it and all stay over which can be nice family time.
Do you think he’d just consider home games only ?
The up side is the season ends soon and we get lots more family time in the summer.
He does sound quite obsessed with the added in T-shirt selling stuff !

Also to add, our home games are in the Town we live, so only half an hour drive away ( in match day traffic ) so they’re out about 4-5 hours only. If your home ground is a fair distance away I understand adds lots more time on.
I’d push for home games only and every other week family time

So he had an issue with alcohol which he managed to stop because you threatened to leave. He’s now moved onto football PLUS selling shirts, which is taking up so much time that his boss has told him off!

It seems to me that he’s just not capable of putting his wife/children or work, in front of his own interests. Do you want to spend the rest of your life with someone like that?

I don’t want to separate though, I want him to be reasonable and balance his hobby with his family, and get help from a counsellor

You've talked about this, agreed this and then he hasn't stuck to it. Because this isn't what he wants. That's not going to change.Judge someone by their actions not their words.

What you say you want isn't actually an option. You have two option - stay and accept this is how it is, or leave.

@LouFisher how can she go for a girlie weekend away when he's at football? She's got the kids.

OP it would annoy me if it was x3 a month every month! Especially if it was a weekend. Yanbu. Dh normally goes to watch football twice a month max I think, a mix of evenings and weekends. And plans around family things.

What does he do in the off season? Does he do more with you/the kids then?

Is he a "dry" alcoholic?

What happens when the season is over?

Are there any other issues?

This reminds me of a guy I dated once. He was a season ticket holder and would go to games with his dad, played golf religiously - would play every day if he could when it's summer I.e. before and after work, and then joined a different gym to me so we couldn't even do that together.

I just couldn't see how we could ever have kids together. We'd discuss it and he thought he could continue living like that because he's home from golf by 2pm every Saturday and Sunday. I decided he wasn't for me and now have a baby with someone else. I feel your pain.

Sounds like he wants bachelor life not family life. Let him go off and be a bachelor

You forgot dad stop jeopardising his job by spending too much time tshirt trading, and dad not spending all his home time actually doing football related things- reading, chat forums, tshirt sorting, tshirt selling.

What's he like on the other weekend day, does he do stuff with you and the kids?

I don't think three times a month is that excessive. And your kids aren't tiny.

My marriage broke down because my exH did nothing in the house or garden and did his hobbies every single weekend whether I liked it or not.

Really?

The OP is unreasonable for wanting to spend time with her husband and family?

And for not being left as the default parent and housekeeper?

He's got it cushty and she's left with crumbs

Not much of a marriage is it?

Do the kids like it, are they safe enough there with the idiots who go? If they are then just send them all. My husband sometimes goes, I'd go with him if we didn't have kids, but I can't take my 4yr because he's a runner and would hate it so we're stuck at home atm.

Is there a compromise that can be made both ways, maybe go with him as a family overnight and while he's there with the kids you relax or find something to do, then all have tea and stay over together?

I think the problem is he agreed to something that he doesn't think is realistic, he needs to stop agreeing if he doesn't and say what he is willing to actually do and let you decide if its acceptable for you.

I had a similar problem 37 yrs ago. I was a sahm with 1 child at the time. My husband went to every match home and away. He left for work at 7 every morning and came back at 630 every evening today to Friday. Then Saturday all day (and evening away matches) at the football then on Sunday we went to his parents for lunch. After lunch everyone would have a doze and I would be left with the baby again. So I went on strike and refused to do anything. I had tried talking to him but nothing worked. He finally got it we agreed that he got 2 child free Saturdays and so did I. I spent most of mine decorate and renovated our house, without having to look after a baby. As my children got older he started to take the kids. I definitely wouldn't be happy about over nights. Seems like he doesn't really want family life.

He can watch the other 3 matches per month on TV. What does he do closed season?

Yabu to not want to separate. Hes selfish and horrible and its incredibly cringe it all over football. Some men lose their family for another woman, this bloke is risking it all for chavvy football.

And hotel nights away!!

What are you even on about? She wants the weekends as a family. He agreed to once a month. So how is going 3 days a compromise?

I don’t think 3/4 days a month of a hobby is that big of deal tbh. If he his hobby was the gym he’d be going more.

what if he has to take the kids with him to 50% of them?

Why not use the schedule so you can have your own things going on in the same day?