Another DH hobby one

[rosielady5]

First time poster so please be kind!
Been with DH for 16 years, married for 13 years, 3 DC aged 10, 8 and 4. Both work full time.

For the last 6 years he has been going to football games. Due to the team he supports and where we live this involves him being out of the house the whole day, due to time for him to drive there and back. He also goes to away games which sometimes involves overnights. He’s then pretty tired the next day.

This has constantly been an issue in our relationship due to me feeling abandoned, lonely, left on my own with the kids etc. We’ve had many arguments and been to couples counselling. We’ve agreed that he limits it to one game per month as a compromise, however he will then sneak in extra games, tell me he’s taking all 3 kids so I have a break, tell me he’s paid for tickets now so will lose money if he doesn’t go. I’ve told him he’s basically manipulating me and is being selfish.

He’s said I just need to do more things just me, which I have done but then it doesn’t leave time for couple time and time with the kids.

Things came to a head this week when I realised he had booked in 3 games this month. One he’s already been to last week. Of the other 2 one is an overnight.
I’m so fed up of him prioritising football over me and the kids. He is obsessed. He does have ADHD and takes medication, but I’ve tried to say before he needs to get an ADHD counsellor/coach as well as taking the meds. He agrees, says he’s going to do it but then never does. Before football his obsession was drink. I said I was going to leave as he could be horrible after a drink so he stopped drinking and just moved onto football.

He’s now accusing me of being controlling by saying he should just go once per month (even though he previously agreed to this) told me his friends think I am crazy for being like this, and when I said even his mother agrees with me that he goes to too many games, he said she is a twat!! He says as well as been a dad and DH, he is also an individual and can have his own stuff outside of us. Which I agree with but not to the level he is taking it.

I’ve told him I want to separate as I cant handle it anymore, he can be single and go to as many games as he wants then. I don’t want to separate though, I want him to be reasonable and balance his hobby with his family, and get help from a counsellor.

I’ve read many threads on here about DHs and their hobbies, I don’t want to join him going to football as I really can’t stand it!

AIBU?

OK, I probably differ from others I'm that it wouldn't bother me. However it does bother you so I'd let him go twice a month.
Also, if he's taking the kids sometimes, isn't that good? You get a day to relax or see friends. I agree with him that you should find something to do - even if it's just lunch with a friend.
It sounds like you're only happy if you're all together doing family things. Ok, I agree this is important. We have one family day each weekend and the other day we do our own things. DH also has a hobby, the kids often see friends etc and I love finding things to amuse myself.

Yes but he's clearly unhappy with arrangement and felt pressurised to agree to this so it wasn't really a compromise. Two matches a month would be more of a compromise.

I think this is the bigger issue OP, not him going to some games (and taking the kids with him sometimes) but the other bits. The shirt selling is obviously taking way too much as it's impacting his job, and then spending far too much time on his phone. If you don't need that extra income then he needs to stop, and he needs to cut his phone usage down.

The problem isn't the football. The problem is that he doesn't see the family as a priority, he's fitting family around his hobby rather than fitting the hobby around family.

That isn't likely to change OP, whatever about the football. It'll just be another hobby.

So, two weekends a month, the football dominates the family weekend. If she did the same the other two weekends a month that would leave zero time together.

It's only fair for one parent to spend X amount of time on a hobby if the other were also able to spend X amount of time away from the family. If that wouldn't work then X is too high.

My colleague loves running and football and he's managed to combine the two and family time

Home match he will run there, watch, run home. His wife has the children that day
The next day off will be either family time or he takes both DC out on their bikes while he runs, and his wife does whatever she wants child free
He also gets up before the children to run, and will run to work and back too so he's not eating into family time

It seems OP dislikes her husband doing anything she doesn't enjoy herself.

Well let's say there are 8 weekend days a month. He will be at a match for 2 of those days. Assuming that for home matches it's just some of the afternoon so let's say half a day. That leaves 6.5 weekend days a month to do family stuff or for OP to do something herself (although it sounds like she doesn't want to).
Yes he'll be tired the day after an away match but I think he should make an effort to do family stuff regardless.
I still don't think it's a big deal but ever since being in a controlling relationship (with my ex) I've believed it's very important for people to have their own interests outside the couple/family. I felt very suffocated when my ex used to sulk every time I did something without him. DH and I both do our own thing sometimes but of course do lots of family stuff too.

Sally, the OP includes the following information up-front:

"For the last 6 years he has been going to football games. Due to the team he supports and where we live this involves him being out of the house the whole day, due to time for him to drive there and back. He also goes to away games which sometimes involves overnights. He’s then pretty tired the next day."

A 'home' game is not "half a day" it's the whole day. Because he lives nowhere near 'his' team. An away sometimes involves an overnight. Do you think he makes the "effort to do family stuff regardless"? Doesn't sound like it.

Understanding and support are important in any relationship, and your husband's soccer games seem to be a barrier to that. It is important that your husband understands how his hobbies affect you and the children. Try talking to him again, expressing your feelings and concerns. You may want to see a marriage counselor or therapist to discuss these issues and find solutions.

What are you even on about? She wants the weekends as a family. He agreed to once a month. So how is going 3 days a compromise?

Most Teams will play 6 games this month.
Going to 3 games is therefore only going to half the number of games he would like to, if he weren't compromising. You know, meeting in the middle.

Why do you think the OP 'wanting the weekends as a family' somehow trumps his 'want' to support his team, and introduce his passion to his dc ?
I don't think it is particularly healthy to stop all interests because your partner wants to control your life. If this were a man trying to stop a woman doing her hobby there would be so many posts about red flags.

I wonder if the OP has considered going away altogether for some of the occasional 'overnights' - even if she doesn't go to the match, she could do a bit of investigating different places around the country.
If the OP wants to spend time together with her dh, and with the dc, then why doesn't she go to the matches with them all ?
I personally quite like the peace and quiet if dh and the dc are away without me, but then I don't think people need to be joined at the hip just because they are married.

Sorry I think you're in the wrong. You shouldn't stop / limit an adult partner doing what they love doing.

But the partner going to watch the football is stopping the OP doing what she wants.

If your partner needs full days and overnight stays to go to the gym then I don’t know what they’re up to but it’s not the gym. That’s why it’s not the same- you go to the gym for an hour. Not an overnight stay.

Even if it means the OP can't do anything because she's the default childcare?

There needs to be a compromise, especially when you have young children. If he loved her then he'd realise that and stop being so selfish.

He will be at a match for 2 of those days. Assuming that for home matches it's just some of the afternoon so let's say half a day. That leaves 6.5 weekend days a month to do family stuff or for OP to do something herself

Except, if you read what the OP has written, it's not half a day. It's a full day and regular over night stays. Not to mention all the time he's spending online chatting football and selling football shirts - which also involves travel.

My DH has a season ticket. He goes to home games and the one or two away games a season. But family comes first and he cut back when we had DS because it would have been unfair otherwise. Nobody is saying he needs to stop going completely, he just needs to compromise and stop assuming he can go off most weekends without a thought for his wife and kids.

It sounds a bit like DH when he was obsessed with hill walking. The actual time spent doing it was ok - generally one maybe two weekends a month in good weather- but the endless droning on about the weather and the kit, being too tired to play football with DS because of his poor achey legs,and the assumption that any weekend with fair weather was game no matter what arrangements were already made, were the kickers.

It came to a bit of a head when he seriously expected me to cancel a dinner at our house with neighbours because the weather was good that weekend.

I've basically just withdrawn and make most of my social arrangements and holidays with friends now. Ironically he is more available as one of his walking buddies now has a young family he is prioritising and the other is abroad.

He is not a bad man, just unable to see beyond his own passions. For you it sounds like if it wasn't football it would be something else, so you need to decide if you can live with that.

Well if they love it more than spending time with their family or contributing to family life then they'd be better off elsewhere

OK, let's say he goes to two matches a month as a compromise. One home match, one away match - that's 2.5 weekend days out of 8 (or 3 days if you want to write off the whole of Sunday). I still think that's OK. I think the agreement of one match per month isn't really fair. I suppose I'm more sympathetic than many because I'm a big football fan too so I understand the passion.
The DH is happy for OP to do her own thing on other days or to take the kids so she gets a break but OP only seems to be happy if all the family are together all the time at the weekend.

@SallyWD the main issue is he agreed to the compromise and then backtracked. That's disrespectful, he's not even made the effort to compromise.

The fact that he is calling his mother a "twat" is enough to want to make me run a long mile away. You've married a man-child, I'm afraid, Op. That's never going to change. He'll just swap football for yet another hobby.