Should I encourage my dad to have a clear out or AIBU/ cruel

[AtTheCopaTheyFellInLove]

My elderly dad lives in a large 4- bed house. It’s our family home. He’s very fit and healthy so doing a bit of a declutter isn’t a fitness issue.

Every centre-meter of his house is full to the brim with stuff. He has hundreds of plates, cups, cutlery, he has 3 freezers full of food, 50 coats, 70 pairs of trousers, a million pairs of socks. Slight exaggeration, but there’s loads. It’s under every bed, every wardrobe is packed, the garage is full and the attic is full. Things are in packets unopened.

I’ve tried to encourage him to declutter but he does it, then says it’s too good to give away.

Going round there stresses me out. It’s not clean.

Should I just leave him to it? My dad is quite elderly and he’s very fit and healthy but I think at some point he’ll have to move out of this place, or he’ll no longer be with us and it’ll need clearing.

I know for a fact that clearing this place out will be left to moi, the only woman left in the family. It would literally take me months.

I feel bad encouraging him, but honestly it’s like a ransacked department store.

When my mum was in hospital my sil cleared out her conservatory. 5 bin bags. She didn't even notice. Would your dad notice if you thinned out some stuff?

I'd encourage him to do some, especially if it's in any way a fire risk?

Hoarding is a pretty deep seated mental health issue, and asking him to get rids of stuff is like telling someone with serious depression to cheer up. It won’t work and may result in anger and distress.

Has he always been like this, or can you identify when it started?
Does he know he has ‘too much stuff’ or does he not see it?
Does he value his stuff, or does it distress him?

It’s a very very hard nut to crack.

Do you think it's a hoarding issues so MH concern or he is just being old and sentimental?

If the latter then I'd be inclined to be harder and tell him when he dies you'll get professional people in to clear it. Whereas he if has things he wants people to inherit then he needs to clear it out so that it's obvious. Maybe offer to help him to pay for someone to do it. It's possibly just got out of hand and he's too proud to now ask for help. However if it's a hoarding/MH issue I'd be inclined to seek advice from hoarding charities.

I think it’s fine to encourage him and even get actively involved (if he asks). However, as noted above, hoarding is a more complex issue that just having loads of stuff.

I’d strongly advise against just going in and getting rid of stuff yourself without his knowledge (as advised above), especially in these circumstances. He might not notice, but he might well do and I can’t imagine how pissed off I’d be if someone else took it on themselves to get rid of my belongings. Also, wouldn’t it be a criminal offence??!

Why should you do it if all the other relatives think that them being male gives them a free pass to get out of it?

If it comes to that, you can just go in, take anything that you want to keep (offer all the other relatives the same opportunity) and get a house clearance company to take the rest away.

Does your dad want to keep all these things, or would he prefer to start getting rid of stuff but he's feeling a bit overwhelmed?

If it's the latter, buy him a copy of the gentle art of Swedish death cleaning which is not as grim as it sounds and hope that it encourages him to make a start on clearing out his home.

I don't think you can unless he agrees to it and wants your help. If he is a hoarder, surely he would just refill it afterwards?

I have a similar situation in that my remaining parent lives alone in the ex family home and has said they won't now get rid of anything. The house is clean and tidy though - just all cupboards stuffed, a lot with things that are never used. I do have siblings that would help but the thought of doing it is quite overwhelming, for both practical and emotional reasons (and none of us live close by). My parent is also fit and healthy but very elderly.

I would tactfully try to plant the seed that you'll be the one having to sort through his stuff one day. If you have a family, point out it's time you could be spending with your husband/kids. Is there a charity that he likes who he may consider donating some of the too good to give away stuff to? I know he doesn't want to give it away but the reality is you'll have to donate it eventually and if he does it now he gets a say in which charity will benefit.

Surely if being surrounded by things makes him happy who are you to make him declutter? Honestly, let him be.

I’d leave hi with all his stuff to be honest, but maybe each time you go round there just try and fill one black bag with rubbish and pop it in the bin.

You can get professional clearance firms who will either charge a fee or take a % of profits of items sold if you are worried about the work of clearing at a later date

He comes from a period of history where you didn't throw stuff out as it may be useful one day, but you wouldn't be able to replace it.

Would framing it as Passing it on to others who can use it, before it becomes unusable, rather than getting rid of it help?
So X charity needs plates etc for a Soup kitchen.. or Y charity is collecting clothes for war refugees etc. (Make up examples if necessary!)

I know for a fact that clearing this place out will be left to moi, the only woman left in the family. It would literally take me months.

Will only be left to you if you let it - If you dont want to do it, either siblings do it or you hire a company to do it (thats our plan when DM goes, she's a max level hoarder, we're talking cars, caravans, and everything else you can imagine)

As and when the worst happens sell it as is at a discount with all the stuff included. You don't need to clear it out to sell it. Or pay house clearance to do it. For now, he's a hoarder and it'll probably distress him hugely if you try and clear it. Or wait til he's out and get rid of the worst bits that are particularly dirty or a fire risk. Good luck, hoarding is a nightmare.

'd be inclined to be harder and tell him when he dies you'll get professional people in to clear it. Whereas he if has things he wants people to inherit then he needs to clear it out so that it's obvious

I think this is great advice! Dreading the day MIL dies as she has 3 huge houses full of clutter!

Inlaws are just the same - not quite as bad maybe, but a three bedroom house filled with stuff. Wardrobes packed with clothing that they haven't worn for 20 or 30 years. They are very reluctant to give anything away to charity because they know they spent "good money" on outfits for weddings, or cruises, or suits for work. Never mind that those outfits will not be worn again, they feel they should hang on to them as they have made that investment. Not interested in Vinted/Ebay, because again, they will not get what they feel the items are "worth". When the first lockdown hit, they lived exclusively off the frozen/tinned/packet food they had in the house for about 10 weeks, just with deliveries of fresh milk and bread.

It's infuriating and DH knows that when they finally pass away (and they're both 80 so it's likely to be sooner rather than later), it will be our job to empty the house and get rid of it all.

if a woman living alone supporting herself had that many clothes no one would bat an eyelid, and say good for her for having an interest in fashion, so I feel that is an unreasonable dig at him. but that many plates etc I'm sure he could cut down on, why don't you offer to help him one day?

If it's a hazard/unhygienic, yes, you should encourage him to.

Ex hoarder here. Do NOT sneak things out. If he catches you the trust will be entirely gone. It's not worth it.

I'm not a sentimental person, my hoarding was "useful" stuff. But I wasn't using it - it was all about the potential.

Unless you have concerns about hygiene or safety (eg a pile falling on him or paramedics unable to navigate etc) then I'd say don't push too hard. The relationship is more important.

As a previous poster said Swedish death cleaning might be a good read/listen. Lots of free YouTube videos on the subject. It's about locating the treasures and sharing their story with the next generation. However, if he's not a sentimental hoarder it may be no use. I have nothing I want to pass down except family photo albums. Photos would be only thing I would keep from my parents home when the time comes (also a huge house) so Swedish death cleaning would not be a good motivator for me.

Definitely don't get rid of his stuff without his consent, that could be really traumatising for him. Maybe you could get lots of boxes and encourage him to have a sort out with you. If he can't cope with getting rid of stuff, storing lots of it in boxes will take up less space, and also means that when then time comes you will have a lot of it pre sorted to just go straight to the tip or charity shop. Make sure you label the boxes.

Call Stacey Solomon?

You can only have a conversation with him about it, but he is an adult with his own choices and consequences. Don't ruin your relationship with him.

The conversation could be slanted around preserving memories and history for the family.

If he goes jnto care, or when he dies, then get a clearance in.

The important thing is to find out if he knows where all the important paperwork is and make sure you know too. This can form part of a more general declutter - ie getting rid of very old receipts and helping to to marshal other categories like photographs. It might also help you to help him to eliminate redundant vacuum cleaners and other things like that, by suggesting a one off electrical goods disposal collection.

Of course, he does have to be willing to do some of this. The important bit is knowing where any important paperwork is. If you help him make his house more comfortable on the way to this then that’s helpful

My rule is - if it's not been used for 6 months, then chuck, sell or give away. No use mulling things over.

Hoarding is a mh issue. He won’t be able to just chuck it out. You could encourage him to sell stuff, but selling second hand clothing is not, ime, cash rich. You could just leave him to it-it’s his house, his choice. Just get house clearance in when the time comes, we did this for my mil when she needed full time care in a home. None of the family wanted anything.

I hear you @AtTheCopaTheyFellInLove

We recently had family visiting from overseas. My mum is a hoarder and there was no space for the visiting family to stay. My dad rented a lockup and we took loads of stuff there to make room.

Interestingly, when moving it back into the house my mum looked less than impressed with it all being there, but she is stuck on this cycle of it's worth something so she can't throw it away.
Or it's useful.
There have been a few occasions over the years where this has been proved right, but so many other things are still sat waiting for their potential to shine.

Someone mentioned above about planting the seed of the people who will be left to deal with it all. She knows this, she did this after her parents passed. In fact, it's some of their stuff that's part of all this excess.

I wish I had an answer. Sadly, it will only be cleared after she has gone. My poor dad just wants a clear house where he can get on and do the jobs he wants to finish, and sadly I don't think that will happen.