Should I encourage my dad to have a clear out or AIBU/ cruel

[AtTheCopaTheyFellInLove]

My elderly dad lives in a large 4- bed house. It’s our family home. He’s very fit and healthy so doing a bit of a declutter isn’t a fitness issue.

Every centre-meter of his house is full to the brim with stuff. He has hundreds of plates, cups, cutlery, he has 3 freezers full of food, 50 coats, 70 pairs of trousers, a million pairs of socks. Slight exaggeration, but there’s loads. It’s under every bed, every wardrobe is packed, the garage is full and the attic is full. Things are in packets unopened.

I’ve tried to encourage him to declutter but he does it, then says it’s too good to give away.

Going round there stresses me out. It’s not clean.

Should I just leave him to it? My dad is quite elderly and he’s very fit and healthy but I think at some point he’ll have to move out of this place, or he’ll no longer be with us and it’ll need clearing.

I know for a fact that clearing this place out will be left to moi, the only woman left in the family. It would literally take me months.

I feel bad encouraging him, but honestly it’s like a ransacked department store.

Always choose the path of least resistance. In this situation, I think you have to accept that your Dad isn't going to clear the house and you're going to have to do it after he's gone.

I'm in a similar situation. House isn't too bad but finances are all over the place. I did try to help consolidate and get a grip on things a few years ago but it never happened. Elderly parent has moved to a care home so I am now desperately trying to get things sorted.

I'm slowly working through my own stuff as I don't want to be in the same situation. You never know what's around the corner and I'd be a bit embarassed if someone had to go through and clear it at the moment. It's much easier to manage life when you have less stuff. This is really important as you get older and potentially become more frail/less able to do stuff.

Good luck! It’s just taken me 18 months to empty my late father’s house 😱. We are moving into it so having to empty ours, which is almost as bad. It’s nearly killed me, the stress of it all.

This. Be there to help and support IF he wants to clear out/organise. But don’t cause upset and tension if he doesn’t. He’s a grown up. Make the most of what time you have together whether long or short.

Is the clutter impeding access between rooms? Or in the event of a fire would it be a risk to safely getting in or out of the house?

if so I’d speak to local fire service so they know - they can put a mark on his house so they are prepared for the issues in the event of an incident.

I’m also a bit more plain talking (so are my folks) and we are more likely to discuss what happens after they have passed on. ‘Dad I won’t have time or energy to carefully sort through this most likely on my own when you pass and it will all be going to the tip or quite possibly in a skip. So I’d prefer we can generously GIFT some of this to some charities or projects that are in need of such things.’

There are shelters for homeless etc desperate for suitable clothing.

Certainly encourage him to declutter if you can, but this does sound like it's developed into a hoarding disorder, something that will likely take more than a few encouraging words to work through unfortunately.

Perhaps look into getting him some therapy and help him manage his behaviors and whatever the triggers are for them.

My mum is a hoarder & it relates back to past emotional trauma. It gives them comfort & can cause further issues if they have to part with it.

I do throw stuff but not enough for her to notice & cause upset.

Erm, many women don't have that many clothes! Don't have enough storage space for a start.

OP, you can encourage. But you can't make him. My sister and I spent a long time clearing our late mother's flat (not a hoarder, but a tidy keeper). She moaned about it, I laughed.

My father in law is the same. Giving us a box of chocolates given to him over 18 years ago when he retired…. Brand new unopened presents (still in wrapping) from years and years ago… jumpers with holes so big when you try to pick them up, they fall to pieces…newspapers collected for years for no reason. I am not allowed to talk to him about it (hubby thinks I’ll upset him) but the amount of dust is simply ridiculous. If you can persuade him to get rid, please do!

You're on a hiding to nothing and you'll either be doing it now or when hes gone.

I'd suggest it will be more straightforward when he has gone.

Best way forward is to leave him to it, give yourselves the peace of not talking about it and when the time comes either book or tell him to book a house clearance company. It will be far more effective and less stressful.

If I was to say something like, can you clear some stuff out as we are going to be lumbered doing that later on, I think he would be vey offended. He sees himself as 85 going on 25 and to suggest otherwise wouldn't be very well received. I’m not surprised he’d be offended. I think you’ve lost sight of what you’re actually saying to him if you did voice this. Nobody should be expected to abase themselves to the extent that should he leave his home to you (and it is his not “the family home” unless you bought it) you want it cleared out so it’s not too much hassle for you to inherit. Deep breath, and perhaps just remember he’s an adult with his own belongings and they’re not yours.

the issue of you having to clear it when he’s gone….. it will be nothing compared to the pain of losing your parent. Maybe just not think about yourself in all of this?

It’s his home not yours. Maybe it brings him comfort to have loads around him? Maybe he just doesn’t want to throw things away because they hold certain memories. It’s not your place to be chucking out his stuff esp if he’s clearly not consenting.

Had this problem with my parents. Mum would buy loads but dad always refused to throw anything out.
I sorted the kitchen last year, with his permission and he sat there and told me what I was allowed to get rid of. A lot of expired stuff. 2 months later it was back to the same.
The bathroom, took me a whole day, he rang me months later to yell at me for throwing away the box with 5 Bars of soap in it. I had left him one at the time.
It's a serious issue and while they are still with us, any progress is quickly undone in my experience.

no, not all do. but what I am clearly saying is that if it WAS a woman with that many clothes no one would bat an eyelid. you knew exactly what I meant.

If it's unhygienic or in some way hazardous yes do try to get him to clean up. If not, let him stay being happy as he is, and worry about it once he's gone.

Maybe he can sell some things. That might encourage him.

'A tidy keeper' is one of many euphemisms for an organized hoarder. 🙂
(We do a good line in 'neat and clean' as well, no matter how much we have managed to Tetrus.)

Speak for yourself. I'd absolutely bat an eyelid if it impacted on her daily life. Hoarding is Hoarding. It doesn't really matter what items are hoarded.

Perhaps but in her case it wasn't. I've worked with hoarders. Different scale altogether , trust me.