Should I encourage my dad to have a clear out or AIBU/ cruel

[AtTheCopaTheyFellInLove]

My elderly dad lives in a large 4- bed house. It’s our family home. He’s very fit and healthy so doing a bit of a declutter isn’t a fitness issue.

Every centre-meter of his house is full to the brim with stuff. He has hundreds of plates, cups, cutlery, he has 3 freezers full of food, 50 coats, 70 pairs of trousers, a million pairs of socks. Slight exaggeration, but there’s loads. It’s under every bed, every wardrobe is packed, the garage is full and the attic is full. Things are in packets unopened.

I’ve tried to encourage him to declutter but he does it, then says it’s too good to give away.

Going round there stresses me out. It’s not clean.

Should I just leave him to it? My dad is quite elderly and he’s very fit and healthy but I think at some point he’ll have to move out of this place, or he’ll no longer be with us and it’ll need clearing.

I know for a fact that clearing this place out will be left to moi, the only woman left in the family. It would literally take me months.

I feel bad encouraging him, but honestly it’s like a ransacked department store.

Could you maybe encourage a carboot sale when the weather gets better? Something you could do together and perhaps get him thinking about getting rid of more things?

Just because you have boobs doesn’t make it your job. Let your family know now that you will not be taking this on.

How did you overcome your hoarding? I am facing this issue with my elderly parents. Their house is unsafe and unsanitary. It’s killing me seeing them like this.

Does he buy them because they are good value and he will "use them one day, so I will buy them now as it's a bargain" or does he buy them because "I can never find socks when I need them so need to buy more"?

The first is a compulsion that is hard to resist/overcome, like a squirrel storing nuts for the winter, it's just that his winter never comes because the socks, etc, are always there to be purchased.

Perhaps you could encourage him on some charity work. He could make up small parcels for the homeless. Being secondhand, but in good condition would be quite a nice thing to give. The more personalised giving might make it easier for him to declutter?

@TheNurdnugget “If the latter then I'd be inclined to be harder and tell him when he dies you'll get professional people in to clear it. Whereas he if has things he wants people to inherit then he needs to clear it out so that it's obvious.”

Are you for real? He’s a grown man not a child, and why should he spend his time worrying about what will happen when he dies? Let people live instead of policing their choices and reminding them that they might be due to croak

I have just accepted that my parents are not going to get rid of the hoarded stuff, and indeed it will probably get worse in their remaining years. I hate seeing them live with that chaos, especially as my mum's sight declines and she can't find anything, but they are otherwise mentally competent adults and it is their choice to make.

The sad thing is it will literally all have to go into a skip, whereas if they had a normal level of stuff I would like to keep some genuinely meaningful items. But I know they are not going to change, and I am not going to waste our time together fighting about it.

The compulsive buying /acquiring is one part of it and relatively, can actually be the easier part to overcome.

The need to retain, why, and what it does for each individual, even when it is causing them more difficulties or expense than any pleasure or security, tends to be the more difficult part.

Lots of people have strong hoarding tendencies and find it difficult to stop acquiring/ let go of or dispose of what isn't logically needed. Most can to some extent reason themselves out of the worst of the situation.

When it tips into being actual hoarding disorder it tends to have developed as a maladaptive response to hidden trauma. There are often crossovers between the strong tendencies and full on HD groups.

The 'stuff' is the symptom that draws attention to the fact something is terribly wrong that is unaddressed. People see the 'stuff' as being the issue because it causes visible problems.

It is like anorexia in that it is easy to see the terrible loss of weight as being the problem, but it is actually the visible symptom of it, if that makes any sense.

Getting food into an anorexic, or possessions off a hoarder, with nothing else done, is a method of reducing the visible symptoms, not the condition.

Symptoms themselves can be very dangerous, but it's worth remembering that they are symptoms, as it is almost impossible to treat them without addressing the causes.

(One of the difficulties of organized hoarders is it doesn't look like most people's idea of what hoarding is. It's presentation is more socially acceptable so it is dismissed as not real hoarding. Useful for chaotic hoarders, disastrous for organized ones.)

You have said his house isnt clean and from what you describe there is zero chance he will use all these possessions again. So this is a serious hoarding issue and to be approached gently. However as the house isnt clean and that isnt healthy I dont think you should let the hoards increase until they further threaten his health.

Organising what he has and in the process encouraging him to donate some of it is not making him spend the rest of his life miserable, it's just reducing what he has to the point where his physical health is not at risk and he hopefully has more life to enjoy.

Balance is important.

There is no harm talking to him about it. You could say you are doing the same and giving things you dont want (clothes) to homeless charities and would he like to join you in seeing what he might not need anymore.

What you need to do is test the water and see how he reacts. People become blind to the amount of stuff they have sometimes especially if they ate not moving house /down sizing as they not confronted with it in the same way.

Sometimes once someone gets started on de cluttering that first step (the hardest) helps and leads to more steps. Watch Clutterbug on Youtube she goes into the psychology of clutter and keeping stuff and how to work with family members on it!

I was raised in a hoarders house. My dad worked for a large furniture removal company and would bring all sorts of unwanted furniture etc. home.

Also, as an ex-engineer I'd keep devices, cables, conduit etc. as it would always come in handy. I had a large shed full! So in a way, I was a hoarder too. The come in handy need dissipated when I moved off of my tools.

The only place I really have stuff stored now is the loft. Mainly toys etc. from when my girls were growing up.

My wife passed away in January and I'm still struggling to motivate myself to start clearing the loft so nothing much is left for the girls to sort when I go. I will start soon and even a small amount daily will mean eventually it'll be sorted without too much stress.

The majority of my home is clean, clear and tidy and I love having clear worktops in the kitchen.

I've sent lots of stuff to our local hospice shop and I've told my girls that if they see something that has no use/value to anyone they can get rid of anything they want.

I don't want to give them any more stress if I can.

Tread carefully, my dad is a hoarder and I have done numerous clear outs with him, he's back to square one and just doesn't invite me round anymore, and won't let me in if I turn up 😕 we see each other at my house or meet for dinner etc, but I worry about him so much

He needs to do it now while he’s fit and healthy. If anything happens in the future they won’t let him out of hospital into a hoarders house and he’ll end up being stuck in hospital for ages while it’s cleared. Then he’ll have no input into what is kept and what is cleared out.

Similar position except I live with my mum.

she was fit until a few months ago and post op. is now frail. I had to get pro gardeners and she was ashamed of how much hoarding she did in her garden too. I’ve got about 6 lots for the tip and no time to do it.

she finally gets what a mess she’s leaving for us to deal with and it’s stressful.

the paramedics could barely get in her bedroom for all the stuff.

i feel for you but tread carefully as it’s a mental health issue.

Is it affecting the quality of his life? You've said its annoying you and it'll be a job for you later on but is it negatively impacting him mentally or physically?
It didn't sound like it from your op so I would say leave it.

Could you say it’s a health risk in that medics won’t be able to help him if he is ill or a fire risk? Maybe you could thin out by 25% rooms he doesn’t use?

I think that's hugely disrespectful

I'd be livid if someone disposed of my belongings without permission

not the same thing but my DH is a hoarder, stuff he’s bought years ago as an “investment “ is just sat in our house gathering dust, we have 3 children and I think of them in years to come having to deal with sorting it all out
He tells me-this is worth some money, I reply , you’re the only mug that’s bought it, no one else will want it,
it’s a tricky dilemma, you love the person but not all the stuff
having gone through the upset of dealing with our parents house/belongings when they had both passed on, it takes team work, siblings coming together or like others have said you pay for house clearance
not sure what help I have given but I feel for you

I was going to suggest doing a good deed thing to get him to donate but you have already tried that op. I think I’d go round and make a point of always leaving with a shopping bag full of bits you’ve managed to squirrel away. Grab a coat when he’s not looking and put it in your car, take a large handbag round and throw a few bits in when he’s not looking. And just donate it.

Or if you don’t want to take stuff against his will, suggest a garage or car boot sale…

I feel your pain! Clearing my father's house, tipping the junk and cleaning the place cost thousands. It was well worth it for the extra money the house brought but it was stressful for me! He wouldn't do it. I gave him a deadline and he did nothing until two weeks before. He is still grumpy that he left his petrol hedge trimmer hidden in the garage eaves and couldn't get it down himself - but didn't mention it to me or the house clearance man.

You have to leave him. He could do it but he doesn't want to do it.

I think the houses of all older people are like this. A combination of memories and keeping things just in case. I don’t think there is anything that can really be done. Encouraging decluttering might make a problem between you. Sadly it’s just something to sort out when people are gone.

There are people you can pay to help. We did most but when my great aunt died we did pay someone to do the final clearance after people had taken what they wanted to keep.

That being said there were four of us doing it, my mum and I female and my husband and my dad male. Gender shouldn’t define house clearance ability.

It’s his house and his possessions. He might be 85 but I can only imagine how he’d feel if his daughter started complaining about the mess she’ll be left with when he’s gone, as a couple posters suggested!
Honestly think about how you’d feel if he was gone in 12 months? Would you really want his last year to be about arguing over what is essentially just stuff.

It’s not about being cruel it’s about being practical. We spent a long long time in a very similar situation, we had several BIG de-clutters yet when it was time to empty the house - OH MY. Weeks and weeks and weeks of work. It was actually traumatic the sheer volumes.
Your Dad will be so used to it he literally will not see it. It’s a whole life time of things really.
I would discuss it with your dad in a ‘let’s make changes to keep the house manageable for you’ way. Does he have a hobby or something he would like more room for? Could be quite a good incentive. Or maybe cleaning away a lot of the ‘stuff’ might make space for more memorable things to be easily accessed - a wee photos area for example.
The key is to keep the momentum going, tackle a room at a time. No reasons why all 4 bedrooms have to have ‘stuff’ in for example, aim to cull it to 2 bedrooms. He might not really be very grateful but a cleaner easier to manage independence will hopefully win him round.
Be very obvious with some things - if he owns 7 whisks for example, get all 7 whisks together and ask him pick to keep 2 or 3. If there is unopened packets of the same things appearing, gather them together and let him know.
Good luck.

My late grandad was like this, hoarded for years and it became a safety issue, he had 'walkways' around his home so each room was accessible and he wasn't climbing over things but I was so worried in case he fell or there was a fire, it would make it very difficult for him to seek help.
Sadly he passed a year ago, he actually became unwell and never came out of hospital, but you're right - the clearing and decluttering was left to family to sort and it took months

I think the houses of all older people are like this

Nope. I am early 60s and declutter regularly, because I don't want to leave a house full of junk for someone else to deal with! I hate clutter.

Because hoarders delight in telling you "there are valuable items in there, and you mustn't just through it all away"

I'm not spending 2 years plus sorting through your shit, it's all going in a skip