Partner stayed in hotel last night instead of coming to me

[Picnickcake]

My partner and I have been together for 2 years and live around an hour away from each other.

Last night he went into town drinking and instead of coming back to mine, which is a 45 minute vs his home which is more 1.5 hours taxi ride away, he chose to spend twice the amount of money and stay in a hotel in town instead. He is going to head home from there this morning.

He rang me on his way to the hotel to tell me he wanted to reassure me that he’s not up to anything he shouldn’t be.

I feel furious at this. He’s rather spend money that he doesn’t really have on a hotel than come to me?! AIBU?

So because you don't live with someone that means they're not your partner? Strange, I've been with my partner for 3.5 years and we don't live together

I think it's fine. I would have stayed with him though.

You are being v weird OP. You don’t live together; the man can sleep where he wants and anyway it seems perfectly rational to me to get a hotel close by than spend 45 mins in a taxi only to rock up late and drunk at his gf’s place.
why on earth are you furious about this?

Makes sense to me. The hotel may have been cheaper than the taxi!

Prostitute. Probably. Maybe not. Bit weird though.

Why are you staying in a relationship with someone struggling financially if the way they spend their money infuriates you?

You could choose differently.

@Picnickcake staying in a hotel is not weird in itself, especially if it avoids the need for travel. Feeling a need to justify himself is a bit odd, unless you gave him a hard time about it.

I live with my DH. I'd have chosen to stay in a hotel rather than take a 45 minute taxi ride home (which, if you include waiting for /finding a taxi would actually be much longer than 45 minutes) late at night after drinking.

On the basis that you don't even live with your DP, I'd consider it more odd if he had come to your house. Surely you don't want a drunk person coming in at stupid o'clock if they have a sensible alternative?

So a 45min taxi ride after 11 can cost a fortune. (A 25min taxi ride at 9pm on Saturday cost me £55); so I can kind of see why, if he was drunk, he rather get to bed straight away and spend the same amount of money on a hotel room. He’s financially independent (ie you don’t live together or have joint costs) so he can spend his money any way he wants to.

But this seems to be about trust. I think, rather than fume, you need to question why you think he may be up to something - have you been hurt this way before, do you not trust him, etc? I think I would talk to him about it this weekend and sort out your feelings.

It's possible he got a cheap hotel / hostel? Maybe he and a friend stayed in the same place.

I personally would rather stay in a hotel than travel 45mins in an expensive taxi and worry how late I was going to turn up at your address.

I don't think he did anything wrong and was good at calling you.

Unless there are other things going on that are causing trust issues then I'd be giving him the benefit of the doubt alongside letting him know you missed him.

Also - where is your relationship going? 2years and no chat of cling together?

There's more to this story - both from the OP and the drunken man

I doubt I’d be up to a 45 minute journey if I’d been drinking tbh.

Also it’s his money so being furious he spent HIS money on a hotel room seems a bit much really.

@Picnickcake how drunk was he? Drunk enough to vomit on a 45 min taxi ride? That would have been bad (and expensive)

Or maybe he knew he was drunk and was embarrassed to turn up at yours like that?

Also how would he get home or work the next morning? Was it going to be much longer/more expensive from yours?

Unless I was too drunk to think straight I wouldn’t want to turn up at a partners after a night out, I’d want to collapse into bed and I’d be a bit worried I’d present badly as tired and tipsy, plus id dread the morning and having a thick head while trying to be sociable and partner-y.

Yabu to care about him staying in a hotel. I wouldn't be paying for a 45 min taxi after a night out no way.

But the "I'm not up to no good reassurance is really odd though.

To be fair, in your circumstances, if my DP had been on a bit of a session, I'd rather he stayed in a hotel, rather than crashing into my house and bed at 2am in the morning, and having a drunken sleep next to me, and a hangover the next day!

And it happens less frequently these days, but I've had many a time when, after an evening of drinking, I'd be feeling relatively OK, but then suddenly the 10 minute taxi home would send me over the edge. 45 mins?! No thanks!

So I think you're being unreasonable. BUT maybe this is worrying you because it's part of a wider pattern and you already have doubts about him? If so, that's a different matter.

Did he drive to the pubs? Could be a ball ache to have to get public transport from yours the next day to get his car

I think you are being ridiculous. He doesn’t live with you, he can do what he wants with his own money and decide where to stay.

Are you really calling the op weird for wanting her man home.. maybe you're the weird one.. married woman out for the night then books herself a hotel instead of going home, if you can't face the taxi ride ask your man to collect you and id start wondering why your hubby isn't questioning you on this!!

Went back to a woman!

It isn't the 1800s anymore. Married women are allowed out, even without their husband!

I wouldn't dream of expecting my husband to be either staying up or getting out of bed in the small hours to collect me from a night out. I'm a big girl with my own mind and my own money. I'm very capable of staying in a hotel all by myself.

My husband doesn't question me because I'm a big girl. I can do whatever I want without someone holding my hand, and we trust each other. It would be weird to question each other needlessly.

None of your business if its his own money.

He rang me on his way to the hotel to tell me he wanted to reassure me that he’s not up to anything he shouldn’t be. this is weird tho.

Her man? He's not a pet. He's not "her man"

He sounds very unstable to me. I don't mean mentally just his lifestyle. Not a stable adult at all

Having done a 45 minute trip before blind in a taxi. I know what I would choose if i had to.