AIBU to not be happy with my MIL as a neighbour or to have weekly contact with her?...

[Ewg9]

Just wondering other people’s views, and if I'm just on some post pregnancy hormone frenzy but we live next to my MIL, we have done for a year now in a house she owns (we pay the bills but pay no rent). I now have a five month old and since his birth I've really been struggling with her. I'll say that she was always the matriarch, twice divorced professional lady with her own business with two devoted sons. Since the birth, the dynamic between us has changed. She irritated me early on by coming over the last evening of husbands paternity leave to hangout with us and baby and I felt this was encroaching on our time as a new family. Since then she has interfered, with her opinions (I know she is entitled to say what she wants) and coming across on occasion critical and undermining our/my ability to care for the baby (I have read that this can be really normal unfortunately). My husband obviously finds her a support and i always try to remember this but i haven't found her supportive or helpful especially since baby arrived. she made a bad joke in the early weeks how she wouldn't help with house work and she pays someone to do hers and doesn't do ironing but that she'd hold the baby whilst i did it. She had the nerve awhile ago to say to my face how I’d had a good labour and that we have a good baby and that we were having an easy time. I snapped back and catalogued the difficulties we had had (yes the baby hasn't been colicky but there have been other difficulties like all first time parents might experience. Breastfeeding was a nightmare for months due to jaundice, a tongue tie and then thrush so the first 3/4 months of feeding were terrible. Anyway, MIL sees the baby once a week as she has hosted us for Sunday lunch since baby arrived and I may seem ungrateful, but I don't like seeing her every week and if anything, would prefer to reduce the contact. If she could, she would definitely be coming round more she is only next door after all. Anyway, she has recently said to husband, that she doesn't want to cook Sunday dinner anymore as she's not getting the time with the baby because she's busy cooking. We usually arrive and eat and spend a couple/ a few hours with her afterwards for her to have cuddle time. I’m trying to tell myself to appreciate what she has done, and that she lives on her own and that it’s good for hubby and for baby and that I can retreat and keep out of the way more as baby becomes more independent and that somethings just change.

but I am posting this as I don't know where to turn, I feel suffocated living next to her, and I just want space and time to be a new family. I feel the same with my own mother (she would be seeing the baby more if she could) she also sees baby once a week. I think it's more intense with the MIL as she lives next door and in fairness to my Mum she helped us loads with meals and with house jobs and I suppose she is my Mum. There are other things I could list about the circumstances which are difficult such as I don’t value the free house, it’s in a poor area and out of the town, i have no connection to the place and I feel very isolated (both physically and emotionally) and have done since the baby arrived. my emotional state is hanging by threads quite frankly though I am doing my best in trying to get out and meet other Mums at groups. Am I being unreasonable and just psycho Mummy for not wanting a weekly date with my MIL or to be her neighbour? Sorry for the jumbled essay but feel better for finally saying how I feel...

Fuck off with your ageism.

You don't sound very nice.

Sounds like you just don’t like her. I’d move.

It could be a hell of a lot worse. I thought you were going to say she was popping in all the time.

Tell dh you are exhausted and would love to take the opportunity for some you time, so he goes round for a few hours and you join him for a very small part if it, or even miss some weeks entirely.
As the baby gets older it’ll be great having a babysitter so near.

No one can dictate if you ask AIBU what answer you're allowed to give!

Hey OP I didn't get to live where I wanted when I got married because I had to live where we could afford to buy a house. I made a life here and love it now but by Christ those first years were hard financially. That's the real world for many of us.

@Noyesnoyes @saraclara

No one can tell op if how she is feeling is wrong.

Op feels what she feels.

Maybe the sense of entitlement that posters think they can dictate another's feelings is where these issues lie.

So not the jaundice, tongue tie or thrush? The stress of living rent free?

No one can tell op if how she is feeling is wrong.

Of course they can, when she's actually ASKED us if her feelings are unreasonable!

So, let me see if I have this right?

You live in your MIL's property for free. You just pay bills. If you were to rent a place where I live, SE, you would be paying at least £1500 a month rent, or about £1K up north where I am from. So she's saving you £10-15K a year at least. You could save that for your own house. Your MIL is not only letting you stay there for free, she could rent that out herself and have tenants paying her £10-15K a year. She's doing you a massive favour, at her own expense.

She lives next door, and sees you once a week, when she cooks you a roast dinner. Her DS, your DH gets on well with her and sees her as support. She's allowed to cuddle your baby once a week for a couple of hours. That's one expensive cuddle. Where can I get a gig like that? You didn't like it when she said she isn't doing your cleaning and ironing, but will hold the baby whilst you get on with some chores.

Can I swap my MIL for yours please.

Honestly, I'm gobsmacked at your sense of entitlement and your ungratefulness.

Your only solution is to get a FT job, and pay rent. I bet my life on it, your MIL will soon become more palatable when you are feeling the financial pinch. Your poor MIL cannot do right for doing wrong.

Then why pray tell us she asking if she is being unreasonable?

🤔

I get you OP. I'm and introvert and the word suffocated came to me just before I got to the bit where you used that word.

Try to detach a bit and come up with a plan. Living in a caravan but with your own space would be preferable to this and I'm an old bugger, probably akin in age to your MIL.

The old saying, there is no such thing as a free lunch is true here. I'm sure she's lovely but next door? Ooofe!

There has to be a way out of this without noses going out of joint.

You are in a difficult position due to the financial hold....
This does not invalidate your feelings..
This does not entitle her to comment on your parenting and family life and be judgemental...
No one has that right... And all the dinners in the world won't entitle
With a new baby it can feel overwhelming and hard to see the wood for the trees and she sounds too much now... Maybe if shes not doing the formal dinner thats a good thing and ur dh can visit with the baby and you go when you want ...

It's not good to feel isolated and unsupported though.. where did you live before? Or you on mat leave and going back to work..? Maybe look at moving to where you are not isolated... Your needs count too

Getting to baby groups is a really good idea if you can for most... I needed to be out of the house

If you want independence, then be independent, no?

I think the reason why we see a lot of this type of thread is that, as a new mum you have to adjust to your baby’s needs being above your own. Which for most women is fine but it does take an adjustment. But then having to put someone else’s wants above yours too is the straw that breaks the camel’s back. So yanbu, but neither is your mil. Tbf, mil should recognise this through her own experience - so should be cutting you the slack as you adjust (ie not making demands of you).

think it’s why this is typically a first born child issue. By the time the second comes along, we’ve made that adjustment.

I think a lot of previous posts are unfair towards you OP, perhaps they forget what those early weeks/months post-partum are like. I’m sorry you’ve had struggles with feeding, I can sympathise as I had similar. I hope it’s all going a little easier now.

I would struggle if my MIL was making those comments. If helpful, my MIL wouldn’t dream of telling me she’d hold the baby so I could do jobs around the house, she actively encouraged me to go rest, sleep, get out of the house and that she would do the housework when baby was awake and needing me. I would never expect my MIL to do housework of course but that is her love language, taking care of us all. I agree with what others have said, let your DH take your daughter over to MIL while you do something nice for yourself. It kind of sounds like your MIL is angling for you to start cooking Sunday lunch 😅

All over the country, millions of women are paying the mortgage or rent for their own house, and seeing their children's grandparents once a week.

The MIL in this case is not demanding anything, or seekng payment in kind in any way at all. She's seeing her grandbaby for a few hours once a week like any other GP who doesn't live a long way away. For someone who lives next door she's remarkably restrained.

I'm failing to see what strings are attached to this very generous arrangement where she forgoes the rent she'd otherwise get for her house.

@Noyesnoyes@Noyesnoyes

I also don't think MIL saying she will hold your baby while you do housework is terrible, though it is a bit blunt. Why should she do housework? I'd definitely feel suffocated living next to my MIL or even my mum, which is why I didn't. But as you have made that choice, seeing her once a week doesn't seem too much.

For someone who lives next door she's remarkably restrained

I absolutely agree.

Because she's rude to the op? She's spoken to her like a breed cow? She's made her feel terrible?
Because op doesn't like the area or the house and she feels isolated? Her partner is of course gaining everything but op isn't benefiting much at all.

Interesting how some posters think money buys everything?

Have you thought about your options? I.e. moving elsewhere. Would you be able to get a mortgage?

You sound exhausted and I think it may be adding bias to your relationship with your MIL, as tbh I dont think she's being really unreasonable. You see her once a week and she cooks for you all - that would be a win for me! I'd leave the baby with her and DH after the meal and pop home for a nap for a couple of hours! How often do you see your own family?
It would be nice if she helped out when she pops round but if she has a cleaner she's unlikely to want to do yours! And maybe she doesnt wish to overstep? Because you're living in her property rent free you're beholden to her. Move out if you want space, or suggest DH takes her over himself every other week and gives you a break?

If she doesn't want to make Sunday lunch anymore, she has probably thrown you a bone, as it were. Perhaps you can agree that DP takes the baby over on Sunday and you can get a bit of down time instead. Baby might tolerate an hour or two without a feed (and actually you are only next door so he could bring the baby back over for a quick feed).

I don't know why people are ignoring that you have said she is critical of your parenting. This would grate on anyone. The proximity would be too much for many too. I get along with my Mum but I'm not sure I'd want her right next door.

Still, if you can find the right balance, you are saving a load of money each month, so it might be worth persevering to see if you can make it work. The baby is very young and over time you will feel more confident as a Mum and will be able to bat off unsolicited advice much better. Maybe you could refer yourself for a bit of counselling at the moment to help you through this difficult spell. Do you think moving further away would change a lot? If so start thinking about how you might do this.

It's sad how ingrained in built misogyny is.

No one bat's an eye that mil didn't say this to her son. Just the mum, the skivvy!