AIBU to not be happy with my MIL as a neighbour or to have weekly contact with her?...

[Ewg9]

Just wondering other people’s views, and if I'm just on some post pregnancy hormone frenzy but we live next to my MIL, we have done for a year now in a house she owns (we pay the bills but pay no rent). I now have a five month old and since his birth I've really been struggling with her. I'll say that she was always the matriarch, twice divorced professional lady with her own business with two devoted sons. Since the birth, the dynamic between us has changed. She irritated me early on by coming over the last evening of husbands paternity leave to hangout with us and baby and I felt this was encroaching on our time as a new family. Since then she has interfered, with her opinions (I know she is entitled to say what she wants) and coming across on occasion critical and undermining our/my ability to care for the baby (I have read that this can be really normal unfortunately). My husband obviously finds her a support and i always try to remember this but i haven't found her supportive or helpful especially since baby arrived. she made a bad joke in the early weeks how she wouldn't help with house work and she pays someone to do hers and doesn't do ironing but that she'd hold the baby whilst i did it. She had the nerve awhile ago to say to my face how I’d had a good labour and that we have a good baby and that we were having an easy time. I snapped back and catalogued the difficulties we had had (yes the baby hasn't been colicky but there have been other difficulties like all first time parents might experience. Breastfeeding was a nightmare for months due to jaundice, a tongue tie and then thrush so the first 3/4 months of feeding were terrible. Anyway, MIL sees the baby once a week as she has hosted us for Sunday lunch since baby arrived and I may seem ungrateful, but I don't like seeing her every week and if anything, would prefer to reduce the contact. If she could, she would definitely be coming round more she is only next door after all. Anyway, she has recently said to husband, that she doesn't want to cook Sunday dinner anymore as she's not getting the time with the baby because she's busy cooking. We usually arrive and eat and spend a couple/ a few hours with her afterwards for her to have cuddle time. I’m trying to tell myself to appreciate what she has done, and that she lives on her own and that it’s good for hubby and for baby and that I can retreat and keep out of the way more as baby becomes more independent and that somethings just change.

but I am posting this as I don't know where to turn, I feel suffocated living next to her, and I just want space and time to be a new family. I feel the same with my own mother (she would be seeing the baby more if she could) she also sees baby once a week. I think it's more intense with the MIL as she lives next door and in fairness to my Mum she helped us loads with meals and with house jobs and I suppose she is my Mum. There are other things I could list about the circumstances which are difficult such as I don’t value the free house, it’s in a poor area and out of the town, i have no connection to the place and I feel very isolated (both physically and emotionally) and have done since the baby arrived. my emotional state is hanging by threads quite frankly though I am doing my best in trying to get out and meet other Mums at groups. Am I being unreasonable and just psycho Mummy for not wanting a weekly date with my MIL or to be her neighbour? Sorry for the jumbled essay but feel better for finally saying how I feel...

Your DH's Mum gives you a free house, cooks you a roast, is only allowed to see baby once a week despite living next door, and you're cross because she's not prepared to do your housework as well?!?

I think you need to read your original post again and search for the problems, because I'm not getting it.

If you still think you have an issue, move house, and pay your own rent/mortgage, and perhaps you will only have to see MIL once a year.

You are not being unreasonable.

Your home should be somewhere you can relax, have private time. Somewhere you can argue, be intimate, sleep at odd hours, regain your balance after a bad day.

And you can't.

You are unhappy. You need to move. If your dh won't agree to that, you have a dh problem.

Move and pay your way then.

Talk about ungrateful! Of course you don't have to have your MIL as a neighbour, or a weekly visitor - you can find somewhere else to live, and pay market rent and cook your own Sunday lunch.

If you don’t appreciate the free rent or the house as you say ,then why are you there ? Move away and pay your own way . Also , why have you or her son not cooked her a meal yet? You only see her once a week but you want more space and time to be a new family with your husband and son ? I mean surely you have plenty of time for that .? I think she probably realises you don’t enjoy your time at hers or her dinner so she doesn’t want to feel under appreciated anymore . She’s not your skivvy either , she don’t need to do your housework or ironing . When your child is able to walk and run and get into everything, you may wish for a bit of free time where she can look after him . Just wait and see .

Do you want to swap MIL? There are worse ones out there. She sounds great. You're only seeing her once a week, she's making you Sunday lunch and you live rent free.

You will always feel uncomfortable Iving in someone else's home and I suspect beholden to them with it being rent free.
If you feel like it's too much at the moment, let DH pop next door with the baby as often as you can so you get a break or a lie in.

My hormones did this to me too.

I will say be careful what you wish for. When your baby is bigger and you need an hour free to run an errand or have a second to yourself she might not be so helpful if you’ve shut her out all this time! Your DC also have the right to bond with family, it’s been great for my DC to have another adult to love them regardless of how MIL sometimes gets on my nerves.

It’s been invaluable living by MIL and being able to drop my children in while I go to an appointment or a meeting or I’m sick. I’m sorry I was awful to her in the beginning.

It really doesn’t sound as though she’s doing anything wrong (or quite the contrary really)- I thought you were going to say she lives next door and pops in several times a day. Once a week though isn’t extreme when you’re living next to her. Start sending DH over with baby some weeks whilst you stay home and have “you time”.
I do understand that living next door to MIL and in her house could feel a bit suffocating, and she therefore does have a certain power over you, but the only alternative is to move elsewhere and pay tonnes of rent. Are you able to save up for a house deposit whilst you’re living rent-free so there’s an endgame in sight?

But she just sounds like a grandparent who wants some time with her grandchild. Send DH over if you don’t want to see her so often.

You are stuck because she is right there all the time. But you are also fortunate that you live in her house rent free.

There's always a catch. Your mil saw the long game here, getting you close means lots of time with her grandchild/ren. I bet before the baby was born you were of no consequence to her but now you are an extension of the baby.

Once a week isn't that much to say you live next door, she could be popping in every evening! If your dh doesn't see it as an issue it's also difficult as you just look like you are looking for problems.

As the baby gets older you may sometimes go out at weekends- play dates, day trips, kids parties etc. So there might be less of a tie. Also the baby is still a novelty.

But also think long term. How will mil be filling her time when she retires? Who will be caring for her when she needs support?

I'd start saving all the rent money for a house deposit. Don't tell your dh you want to get away from your mil , talk about needing your own place, an investment, something you can leave for your kids.

I'd speak to your gp as a matter of urgency. After that I'd look at this simply, if she lives next door but you only actually spend one evening a week with her you are doing quite well. She isn't encroaching on your private time and the rest of the week is where you need to carve out time for your own little family. As for what she said about your baby being an easy baby, perhaps compared to her two he or she is? It also isn't up to her to do your cleaning and ironing just because you've had a baby. Mumsnet is the only place where when it comes to having a baby 'it takes a village' but otherwise inlaws should just fend for themselves and be kept at arms length. The offer to hold baby so you can crack on is a good one. How many meals do your or more importantly your dh cook for his mum? At the moment you benefit more by being next door than she does.

I'd really reach out to your hv or gp regarding how you are feeling. At the moment you are focusing on mil because she's an easy target when it actually sounds like you need help with your mental health. If afterwards you still feel that living so close by is too much then speak to your dh about moving.

Yes I think YABU, really unreasonable.

But I think your description of how you are hanging by a thread is indicating a level of PND.

Speak to your doctor or HV.

This is the problem. You're so beholden.
This will only get worse as she ages.
Try and move.

My MiL is a matriarch with two devoted sons but my DH has over 12 years finally seen how awful she is to me. Loads of nasty comments she is threatened by me ,my career and the fact I have daughters which she always wanted, she has made bitchy comments about our house, our kids, my late best friend and many other things. I can’t imagine living next door, 45 mins away is bad enough. Good luck OP.

You sound really ungrateful and actually your MIL sounds quite okay. I never understand families who resent people who really love their kids. There is a simple solution. Move. And pay your own rent.

Sounds like you’re overwhelmed and have the baby blues.

YANBU unreasonable to not want to live next door to the in laws but YABU to think MIL has done anything wrong. She actually sounds fine and not overbearing at all. By contracts, my MIL (who is lovely now she just needed to calm down from the excitement of being a grandmother) lived 5 mins away when I had my first and used to use her emergency key to pop round without warning everyday. I made sure me annd baby were out everyday and couldn’t enjoy my time on maternity leave for fear of her popping round, but still used to see her at least 3-4 times a week. That’s too much. Once a week sounds a nice balance for a local in law.

I think try not to let it bother you but see what steps you can take to move so you’re no longer next door. However I wouldn’t go lower contact as that seems unkind given she’s not done anything wrong or overstepped in any way.

Solution here is obvious, should moving not be an option.

you feed baby, husband takes baby next door for an hour to visit his mum one night a week and one day at the weekend. He tells her you’re staying at home to tidy up/catch up on jobs etc. he brings baby back when s/he needs a feed.

then once a week (or less If you really can’t do it weekly ) you pop in to MIL with baby for a cuppa. Time it so that you have something to do or somewhere to be after an hour or two (if MIL is hard to say goodbye to!)

Your MIL is showing enormous restraint only seeing your DC once a week and even then she cooks for you. She is sacrificing hundreds of pounds a month to give your little family a secure home, many other in laws would use that as excuse to come over several times a day. Yes she made a comment or two that have been taken the wrong way but overall she is being very respectful.

I completely understand reducing contact with toxic family members, but on this occasion I think you are being unfair to your MIL. It sounds like you are using MIL as a deflection for what is actually bothering you and it sounds like you may have PND, please go and get some help for it. One of the best things I ever did was seek mental health support after I had my babies.

OP, you sound really frazzled, I really feel for you, I remember having some really dark days after my first baby, your life changes so much.

i wonder if you are tired and super sensitive, to me your MIL doesn’t sound that bad, but I remember at first I was so sick of my parents and in laws too. I went from being very busy and independent working, going out etc to suddenly seeing family All The Time! It was a culture shock spending all this time with people you don’t usually see so often and only having older people type conversations!

I think either you realise their usefulness (and to be honest no one except family really cares about your child), or you can move away, but you’ll still see more of them all as they’ll (probably) be doing you favours in mini emergencies.

I think skip a few roast dinners with illness or ‘other plans’ let your DH go and have a break for a while. But realistically, nothing is as bad as it seems when you are sleep deprived and depressed. I think this suffocating feeling will pass. Maybe when you go back to work and it is a luxury to sit around eating a roast dinner someone else cooked?

Try to see it from her point of view - she’s letting you live rent free in her house, she invited you over for a meal once a week, she isn’t trying to take over your baby or your life- what’s wrong with that? She may be irritating you but she is your DHs mum and doesn’t sound unreasonable to me. She probably thinks you cold, unfriendly and ungrateful. Move away if you don’t like it. Hope when your child is an adult you don’t get treated like she does.

I think you’re being really unfair and picky. Why doesn’t DH take baby for Sunday breakfast at MIL and you can lie in or join when you feel up to it? Bacon butty has to be quicker than a roast!

Is this a reverse? I think it must be because it seems so incredibly unreasonable.

If it's a reverse: you have my sympathy. Do think about whether you're inadvertently criticising your DIL. Quietly supportive is what you're aiming for: letting her lead with the baby without suggestions, just being positive and helping if asked. The baby will be absolutely fine without any of your advice, so for the sake of family harmony just bite your tongue and don't give it. Try to make her life easier where you can do it without stepping on her toes: eg offering to make everyone a cup of tea.

If it's not a reverse: OP give your head a wobble. Your MIL sounds great. A strong relationship between grandmother and grandchild is a huge benefit and will be a lifelong pleasure for both of them: don't destroy that. And this can be great for you too, if you relax into it and enjoy the family support. When DD was newborn, I remember finding it stressful trying to host ILs in the way I used to before she was born. But the pressure is entirely self-imposed. Let your MIL just relax with you as family, make her own tea (and get you a cup too). You can go for a lie-down if you're tired and she'll hold your baby - that's a huge gift! In the meantime (until you relax into it) send DH over with the baby for a short time a couple of times a week. You get a break and they see each other. What's not to like?

Firstly, YABU for all the reasons stated.
But secondly, your baby is 5 months old, so it’s perfectly reasonable for your DH to be the one taking them over to see grandma without you. Express milk and send them with a bottle. Then you get a bit of time to do whatever without having to deal with MIL.
I hope while your living rent-free, you are saving money for a deposit.

Unfortunately, you are beholden to her because of her generosity. This kind of gift always comes with strings.

It's hard when comments are made about your life, your parenting, your choices. And it's also really hard when you're in the middle of being a new mother and all the ups and downs and doubts that it brings.

It would be healthier for your sense of control and independence if you could move out and feel freer.

Is this at all possible?

Your DH doesn't even need to take a bottle. MIL is next door! He can just pop over with the baby for a chat, and come back when the baby is hungry!

You're going to have to move.