Ex refusing to see DD on weekends

[Blades2]

Hi there

in fully expecting to be called unreasonable but I figured I’d throw it out there anyway.

Myself and my ex share two children, one 18, the other 14, I have them both all the time.

My ex now has a new partner and for whatever reasons their relationship is long distance/over the internet for most of the time.

i also have a partner who I see every day/as much as I like. (Putting this out there as ex told me I get all time I want with my partner whilst he is limited with his)

anyway, Saturday nights are reserved for his partner (over FaceTime)
Our 14 yo has started to express an interest in staying with him two nights per week. I suggested out of fairness he does two weekends a month, and the other times could be two weekdays, I’ve been told, and also accused, by both my ex and his new partner of trying to barrier his relationship (ffs no I just feel like It’s fair to split)

his arguement is, because my relationship is with a man who’s local and his lives 90km from our home town, that he should get his weekends with his new woman, as it’s all they have.
My argument is, children come first? Especially SEN children which we have.

thank you for reading x

YANBU.

I would say that at age 18 and 14 it's less common to have a strict contact schedule and more usual for the kids to go between the two houses in a more ad hoc way. Would that be possible or do you live too far apart?

That’s ridiculous, he can still speak to his partner on Saturday. What a poor excuse for a parent.

Yanbu

“My argument is, children come first? Especially SEN children which we have. “

Having SEN children is irrelevant, all children come first when it comes to new partners.
2 weekends a month and then 2 weekdays on the other weeks is not an unreasonable ask. It’s not your child’s fault their dad has chosen a long distance relationship.

His life, his choice, you cant force child/children on him
He has a new life as you do
If that was my dad, I'd not to see him

Why are you so eager for your ex to see his child?

"my argument is children come first" - if that was the case, people would not divorce/separate. I know of a few people that stayed together because of their kids

Our 14 yo has started to express an interest in staying with him two nights per week.

It’s the child who wants to spend more time with his Dad, @DistinguishedSocialCommentator , which makes the Dad’s refusal even more shitty. 🙁

My DD has expressed the interest to spend time with him as they were/are very close, she has struggled accepting dad has a new woman, but now is coming round to wanting to spend time with him, it’s absolutely nothing to do with me being “so eager” for him to see her.

True but there is no l;aw in England that can force a parent to see their child.
I have to stick to reality and not dream world.

If more people thought about what marriage was and then then even more importantly about the love and repsosilbites in having a child, we get less divorces.

True, there are some mariages where the OH can hide the true self and only comes to light once married, had kids - but in this scenario - ex DH does not want to see them at that time - what can the OP do?

If I was the OP, and I was as concenred, I'd ask him what could i do to ensure he met his DC

He should be delighted that she wants to spend time with him @Blades2 . What an idiot.

Well, yanbu in the slightest.
I have an ex friend like this. He has several children who he doesn't see because he moves on to the next woman and the next baby. I can't look at him as a decent person so don't really have anything to do with him anymore.
I feel for your DS. That must be hard for him.

YANBU at all, he’s being very unreasonable. He should be putting his DCs first. And working his relationship around that as everyone else does.

What a shame for your DD.

Sorry, your dd

Ok, fair enough. But realistic what do you expect to happen? He has a new woman in his life and as they say, love is blid/blinkered etc.

IMO, give him time or better still, as I posted above before seeing your repsonse - Ask him what can you do to faciliate the process

As i said, if that was my dad and i got wind of it, trust me i'd never want to see him

It has to work for both of them and possibly he wants to pritorits his life and atm he is busy as stated by you

True, but if your ex said no and gave his/her reasons, what could you do other than offer help to facilitate the process?

IMO, in time, when the novelety has worn off, he will want to see his DC

Why not offer the two weekdays twice a month for the 14 year old and see how it goes? The 18 year old could arrange their own schedule.

I know, @DistinguishedSocialCommentator , there’s no point living in dream world as you say.

This type of behavior is just so alien to many parents, most of us are delighted when our teenagers want to spend time with us. It’s sad for the DD that her Dad doesn’t feel like that.

Your DD is 14 and so old enough to discuss this with him herself. Instead of you deciding which nights she should be where can she not talk to her dad herself and work out when would be suitable nights?

DD should not be a parent’s fall back plan for when he has a spare moment.

It's not in any sense true that "staying together for the children" benefits the children in all cases. My daughter, for example, is absolutely clear that her life has been better because her dad and I separated (and now co-parent effectively) when she was young. My childhood would have been better if my mom had left my dad, as she considered doing.

No doubt some children's lives are made harder when their parents separate, but there are all kinds of variables. It's not possible to generalise like this.

OP, your ex is being a dick. Why can't he still facetime his partner when your daughter is in the house. Even if they sext or something, he can do it in his bedroom surely? It's not like your daughter is a toddler who will need constant supervision

It sounds like he is being a knob just for the sake of it.....

Agreed. Read my previous posts here, IE, if that was my dad and i got to hear about that, i would never bother with him again

Sadly, parenting is not what it was when I was young

These days, too many distractions and people give up on marriage too easily and its the kids that suffer. (NB , this is a general comment and not aimed at OP scenrios)

Why can’t he FaceTime with with his daughter in the house?

I don’t think they’re just talking 😉

Thank you but in most cases parents staying together benefits the child. Hoepfully you will agree

Crime in London is often blamed on a certain group of people and often cited that most of these kids are from "broken homes."

More often than not, having two parents is better for a child and that is a fact

He is absolutely unreasonable. He is not a good dad!

14 year old also is old enough to start negotiating own relationship with dad/not your job to manage their emotional relationship. Yanbu to suggest weekend nights as less disruptive to her school week, so if for her well-being this is non-negotiable then stick to it. He is insane for suggesting it has anything to do with your personal lives! If you have laid this out to him and he still refuses, then he ought to explain the reason why to his daughter. If he won't, she can be told the truth about why dad doesn't want her to stay the nights.

If you child could cope with sleeping over on other nights of the week and wants to do that then you could have a trial period. But yeah, she doesn't need to be protected from the truth of his reasons, which you can lay out in a neutral non-blaming way. It might be very sad for her to hear but you can't protect your children from the truth forever.

My friend had an ex like your ex. Always put his dick first not his children. If he had a chance of an unexpected date the kids were dumped back at their mums so he could put his dick first. Pathetic.

One weekend out of three is nothing in the bigger picture of things. Especially when it's his own child. His relationship should easily be able to survive that.

He aught to be ashamed. And so should his latest girlfriend for trying to put their needs before that of her boyfriends child. What kind of woman must she be.