Straw poll - who handles all life admin in your house

[Lifeadmin22]

Just been having quite a terse disagreement with my husband about division of labour in our house.

I think I do far more than him and he seems to think this is absolutely fine/normal.

We have 3 children - an 8 year old and 5 year old twins. I went down to 3 days after the twins as we couldn’t afford full time childcare for them. I’ve changed my hours to school hours to accommodate drop offs and pick ups - of which I do them all. And then sort the kids when they get home, do their dinner etc. He gets home from the office and does help with books/bedtime.

I organise all doctors appointments, school admin, arranging holiday care, booking clubs, birthday parties, days out, our holidays.

To be fair to him, he does his share of ferrying them round, getting up in the morning, doing their breakfast while I get their uniform prepped and lunches made.

BUT basically I feel he sits back and waits to be told what to do and I’ve had enough of it. Like I’m his line manager dishing out tasks and telling him where he needs to be that day. Or he’ll happily come on a family day out but I need to think about where to go, book the tickets etc first.

He says he works full time and that no other dads do any admin so I should be grateful he does a lot more than most.

Im also resentful as I have a demanding job that I start at 9.30 and finish at 2.30 and have no lunch break as I’m so busy. He seems to think I’ve got the good end of the deal when actually I’m cramming a full time job into school hours and then have the children to manage the instant I’m finished. I don’t even have time for a lunch break! I do all the clearing up the minute I’m back from the school run and put a wash on and then have to be logged in working. He gets to swan off to the office, chat to colleagues and have plenty of hot coffees I’m sure!

AIBU to boot him out and change the locks!

Me it’s my house no one else around so me alone.

SIL was telling me recently, she’s on mat leave for a year, that before she was on mat leave they split life admin as both had demanding jobs, but say if DB wasn’t working or WFH and their DS needed doctor or dentist then he’d take him. SIL
worked long hours and often did school
runs but due to work hours often had to leave DS in after school club unless DB picked him up. One of their DS’ friend’s, his DM is away for work a lot and his DF manages a pub and he told DB who’s his friend that due to his hours he does school runs and his DW when home looks after his son when he works, but he often rings and does doctor dentist, his DW picks up the rest of the life admin where she can.

Proper admin I think SIL does most of this.

I would say it is about 60/40. He deals with anything to do with the car. He is the stay at home parent so deals with any appointments for DD. I deal with gas/electric, internet etc.. I book any holidays and will book a few activities for them to do through the school holidays, but he mostly sorts those out as they turn into ladies that lunch and visit museums/library/board game cafe 😆

Roughly 50/50 here and we have set things that are our areas to run.

We both work part time now and before that when either one of us was full time, the person working part time did more household responsibilities because we think that's a fair way to divide things.

I don't actually mind doing admin. I'm good at it.

I do mind being the only bugger who thinks ahead!

We both work part time now and before that when either one of us was full time, the person working part time did more household responsibilities because we think that's a fair way to divide things.

I don't think this is always fair or obviously the way to do things.

I think it depends on the rationale for being part time. For the OP it's about the lack of wraparound provision for her disabled child. So the purpose of it is to allow her to look after that child and the other two.

She doesn't have any time when she isn't either working or looking after the children. So I don't particularly see why she should pick up more household responsibilities.

If anything I suspect her DH might have more time - e.g. lunch break to do things

Sympathies OP! Last year I was in a WFH a job four days a week working 9-2:30. I was the one that did all the life admin but I didn't mind as I had one day off a week and my WFH job was fairly cushy so I could also do a lot during the day while the kids were at school.

I am now in a full time job working 8-4 out the house, DH works at home 9-5 so has taken on more of the life admin but does struggle with knowing what needs doing and when so it is very much up to me to tell him. We also have 2 children with SEN so a lot of my time is spent on dealing with paperwork, appointments etc. as that is completely beyond him. However he is very grateful for everything I do, and understands the balance is off but that it does work for us at the moment.

The issue here is that you are finding this difficult and your DH seems quite happy to say that it's normal and you should be grateful for what he does do?! Um, no. You are equal partners and the time you are not working is not spent doing what you want - you are looking after the children. It doesn't matter what other dads do, you need to find something that works for your family.

I would approach the conversation in a non-accusatory way - explain that you are feeling overloaded with trying to keep on top of everything, and suggest some things you would like him to take responsibility for so that you don't have to keep reminding him.

Who does cleaning, laundry, dish washing, cooking etc.?

@Cathster i do the majority of cleaning and washing etc on the basis of being in the house more and being more bothered when things are dirty/a tip.

He does obvious things like will hoover once children are in bed (as child with disability still makes big mess with meals) but would never occur to him to clean the windows or wipe the skirting boards if you see what I mean.

like he’d change a bed if a child had an accident but wouldn’t occur to him that all the bedding needs changing regularly otherwise. Or say a sheet got a rip in it, wouldn’t buy a new one unless I told him to.

He just doesn’t think ahead. I feel my mind is constantly going over everything that needs doing.

• oh must book a doctors appointment for child 1 as she’s still got that sore patch on her ear
• they need haircuts, can I get them into that hairdresser that’s great with kids
• child 1 and 2’s wellies are too small, must get new pairs for home and school and take the school ones in in a labelled bag
• child 3’s trousers look a bit short, must check them all and buy some new ones
• buy/make all the world book day costumes and help them make the crafts that they need to take to school to accompany the outfit and make sure they have money each to buy a book at the book fair
• oh school bake sale, buy some cakes to donate and give children £1 coins so they can buy a fairy cake

Thats just a TINY portion of what’s whirling in my head daily and they’re things that would never cross his mind to think of.

Hes all “la la la” off I go to work, have I got my flask of tea for the journey and I’m running round like a headless chicken. Gives me the absolute rage

I honestly don't know any Dads who do the "admin". I dont know why it's that way, but I think all the stuff you mention above in anyone I know does seem to sit with the Mum. I do all of this just kind of second nature without thinking about it. By my DH totally does his fair share of housework, the laundry, all the outside and car related jobs, it's not like he's sat on his arse while I'm busy. That's just how we share it.

Are there things he does that you don't?

I don't think this is always fair or obviously the way to do things
I didn't say it was always fair. I said it's what we think is fair.

Just if I was at home, I'd expect to be making appointments within the working day, not DH trying to fit it in his work day. Equally, when DH was home I'd expect him to take the initiative and do a food shop (either online or at the store), not leave it for me to do when I finish work

The part time person doing more wasn't, and isn't, a free pass for the full time working parent to do nothing and opt out.

I’m not “at home” though. I’m working from home around all the childcare tasks.

I have a busy job as a lawyer I’m trying to cram into school hours. I earn the same working 3 days as my husband who works full time in an engineering job.

i would love to be able to be “at home” as I’d actually be able to do that properly rather than running around like a loon all the time.

As it’s the Easter holidays I’ve taken a couple of days off while the children are at holiday clubs and our child with a disability is with the specialist nanny I found - as he can’t go to normal holiday clubs. So I can actually do some jobs round the house. This morning after drop offs I’ve been to the dump, taken 3 bags to the charity shop, dashed round Aldi and now I need to clean the bathrooms and hoover the bedrooms.

It sounds like one of the issues that isn't helping OP is that you're working part time, and I'm guessing being paid to work part time, but the job is taking up more time more like full time. It's exacerbating other pressures.

I'm only sharing what me and DH decided was fair when someone's part time Vs full time. Like I said, I didn't say our way was the only way or always the right way, and did say that the parent working full time shouldn't be opting out of the life admin side

Your life sounds hectic op. As you and your husband have good jobs can you afford a cleaner?

Stop doing it then / take some corrective action
He’s not going to make any changes if you carry on doing it all. He’ll just think you’re all ‘nag’ and no action so won’t feel the need.

You also need to sort out your job. You’re being paid for part time, but you’re not part time from a workload perspective. Don’t let your employer take the piss out of you and stop doing it all. Take the lunch break you are legally entitled to. You’re being a bit of a martyr if you carry on like this tbh.

I sympathise with you, OP. I’ve very similar work / childcare circumstances and I am fucking done with thinking about everything. I recently went away with friends for the weekend and when I returned on the Sunday, I was panicking about getting homework done and uniforms sorted in anticipation of Monday’s return to school. When my husband returns from a weekend away, there is zero danger that he comes back & rushes round sorting those things.

It’s a choice to let your partner be the default organiser. Like you said, he’s capable of managing things at work, but chooses not to at home.

My DIL and son three small children, twins then 18 months later a third. Both work full time. They've found a wonderful cleaner. Every two weeks she does a long session. If guests are coming she'll do an extra visit.

My other son is pragmatic. He says I can earn X£ an hour in the business so happy to pay someone else to cut the grass at a third of his hourly rate.

You just have to adjust intelligently. Whether it's innate skills within the family or bringing in skilled help.

I should add that when our children were small we couldn't afford cleaners, garden folks. But I worked part time so the cleaning, gardening fell to me. My husband worked crazy hours.

I have the same hours as you so I can see your frustration there. However YABU trying to fill a full time job into part time hours, this surely can't be good for your sanity or MH?

In regards to life admin I think YANBU, he does need to take on more. Working full time does not absolve him of life admin. My husband controls everything to do with the car, mortgage and insurances (home & building). I do all of the kids admin for school and clubs and anything else. However if I'm having a mare getting somewhere he will do it if I ask him for help. He's had great success with kids medical appointments. We have an agreement that if I'm struggling with the mental load we put it in our shared app and he'll work through the things that he knows he can sort or help with. He'll argue that we are a team which we are, but I know that I have more time per week to be able to do it so generally do.

I don't want to generalise / stereotype but I feel that life admin is usually always down to the female in the household (or at least it is with my family, friends and colleagues!). Pretty much every woman I know is the one in the home who is responsible for booking appointments and holidays, keeping track of dates and plans, making sure everyone is where they need to be on time etc... Most of them (including myself) whilst working full time too.

It doesn't bother me in the slightest though - I just accept that everyone has their strengths and weaknesses!

Same. Every weekend I get “what are we doing today”? With an assumption I have arranged something.

I am literally the Manager of the house/child/holidays/social life.

we just come back from a few days away (that I organised) and it was quite wearing as he expects me to know absolutely everything. He even asked me one time what drinks a restaurant had when he had the menu right in front of him!

@Starlight1979 do you not think that this behaviour is just inherited and learnt though? It’s a hangover from previous generations where the woman typically worked less, or in lower skilled jobs - or not at all. The issue is, women now work in similarly demanding jobs (but perhaps fewer hours to work around the school day), but men haven’t / won’t learn the domestic element, so we just end up doing so much more. Men display these “strengths” at work and then they seemingly disappear the second they walk through their front door (into the house where they also live, consume food, wear clean clothes etc etc).

my suggestion is that you take on the role of household director (because most jobs that are held by one person rather than shared are done more effectively)

BUT you delegate more of the everyday grunt work to him to balance it out. So you menu plan and build the grocery list. He has to shop, put it away and cook.

you get birthday party admin done, he wraps the gifts, adds the card and takes dc.

you make sure dc have clothes that fit and are appropriate for the season, he does the laundry

or whatever balance ends up making sure you spend about the same amount of time (thinking and planning is the same as doing in this equation) on household stuff

i think you also need a chunk of time for yourself at the weekend that is not negotiable (like a lie in until 10am every Sunday morning)

and push back at work about paying you by the hour or how your workload is too high for your contracted hours

@SeaToSki's description is pretty much how we do it.

Bras were burnt back in the sixties.

The results SAHM mums who cleaned, cooked, cared for the children while their husband did all the admin cared for the garden, car, husbands willingly handed over it all telling us we were free to work full time now as well.

Whoopee for us. 🙄

Thank you. I think this is what I’ll have to do.

I’ll just have to swallow my resentment at having to tell a grown man what to do.

It wasn’t like this before we had the twins. When we had one child and both full time it was much more even. He seems to have taken my going part time as a lease to opt out of all the boring shit.

I don’t want to leave him over this as he is generally a very good man and a great dad. But I’m pretty pissed off at the moment.

We do take it in turns for a Sunday lie in and he will often do bedtime solo so I can go out with friends. I also went away for the weekend with friends last month (although I did do a lot of planning to make sure it was all smooth at home beforehand!)

Yes I’ve tried to push back on workload but I’m relatively senior and it’s just expected to do more hours than you’re contracted for. It was the same when I was full time to be honest.

That’s exactly how it feels!

my mum likes to tell me that I’m so lucky that my husband does so much as apparently my dad never put us to bed or took us to parties etc.

Erm you didn’t work at all mum! I don’t doubt it was hard but you didn’t have a job and have to do everything at home as well! She definitely didn’t arrange for the car to be MOT’d or go to the dump!