Straw poll - who handles all life admin in your house

[Lifeadmin22]

Just been having quite a terse disagreement with my husband about division of labour in our house.

I think I do far more than him and he seems to think this is absolutely fine/normal.

We have 3 children - an 8 year old and 5 year old twins. I went down to 3 days after the twins as we couldn’t afford full time childcare for them. I’ve changed my hours to school hours to accommodate drop offs and pick ups - of which I do them all. And then sort the kids when they get home, do their dinner etc. He gets home from the office and does help with books/bedtime.

I organise all doctors appointments, school admin, arranging holiday care, booking clubs, birthday parties, days out, our holidays.

To be fair to him, he does his share of ferrying them round, getting up in the morning, doing their breakfast while I get their uniform prepped and lunches made.

BUT basically I feel he sits back and waits to be told what to do and I’ve had enough of it. Like I’m his line manager dishing out tasks and telling him where he needs to be that day. Or he’ll happily come on a family day out but I need to think about where to go, book the tickets etc first.

He says he works full time and that no other dads do any admin so I should be grateful he does a lot more than most.

Im also resentful as I have a demanding job that I start at 9.30 and finish at 2.30 and have no lunch break as I’m so busy. He seems to think I’ve got the good end of the deal when actually I’m cramming a full time job into school hours and then have the children to manage the instant I’m finished. I don’t even have time for a lunch break! I do all the clearing up the minute I’m back from the school run and put a wash on and then have to be logged in working. He gets to swan off to the office, chat to colleagues and have plenty of hot coffees I’m sure!

AIBU to boot him out and change the locks!

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I bought one of these years ago. Every drawer is labelled so he can find stuff.

You're entitled to me time so make sure you get it

Me, but that was part of the agreement when I went part time/SAHM. I prefer to be the one in control of these things, and I'm the one who is available to take DS to appointments, classes etc so it makes sense I organise them.

With regard to things like kids clothes, shoes etc I care more about choosing those things so it makes sense that I handle them.

He does all the admin relating to the car, because I only started driving recently so he was handling it all anyway.

Me... because there's only me and I work FT, sometimes late into the evening. My DC are young teens so easier than they used to be but ExH left when youngest was just 1 so it's been only me for a very long time.

And it sucks.. but is what it is.

We both work full time. Family / house admin is roughly split 70/30 me/him. He has to sort his side of the family - cards/present sorting & arranging meet ups etc . We all have to make sure family diary is up to date.

Recently we having some home improvements and I’ve done all the planning and organising. But I’ve refused to sort out the holiday this year so left it to my husband and so far nothing is booked. We probably don’t have the money for holiday anyway so I’m not to fussed but my husband is dropping lots of hints but I’ve handed it over to him.

This is going to sound like a huge drip feed but I actually changed my hours to school hours because one of our children has SEN and attends a specialist school so they have no wraparound care. So I drop the other two at breakfast club before going on to the special school drop off.

So unfortunately can’t change things around much as I would like to!

I would also happily go back to full time and let him go to part time as we earn the same! But I work in the civil service who have been much more flexible with hours than his engineering workplace who are not understanding

im so sorry 💐

I'm so sorry for your loss, DoAWheelie

I’ve only ever heard of life admin on MN. Isn’t it just normal life for parents to deal with finances, appointments etc? When did birthday parties become life admin? You’re only working 3 days over 5 on a term time only contract from 9.30 to 2.30 and it’s a demanding job? You won’t be due a lunch hour only working 5 hours a day. So you work 15 hours a week and expect a lunch break? What hours does your DH work?

When I was working part-time I designated myself as director of domestic affairs on the proviso that he did any and all tasks allocated to him without delay or complaint. That was the quid pro quo for me carrying the mental load. It worked for us and has meant that now we both work full-time we’ve been able to split the life admin and other domestic stuff quite equally with ‘management oversight’ (lol) of our own areas.

Is it normal for one parent to be responsible for absolutely everything though? When there’s two of you.

it isn’t a term time contract and I work all year round. 21 hours over 5 days but ends up being more as all jobs are.

My husband works full time 35 hours per week

This does seem a good idea but I’m already so resentful I think it would tip me over the edge to be his line manager!

he manages 20 staff and a £7million pound budget.

Does he need me to tell him that holiday childcare needs to be booked or that those boxes need to be put back in the loft?! Argh!

Same. I've made peace with it by now, mostly. It's easier than being angry. We have very different skillsets. I'm good at this stuff (not being sexist, my sisters are terrible at life admin). I can be annoyed about it, but it's a bit late to change him now and I really do like him otherwise. He also works 70+ hours most weeks and is only home for 48 hours over the weekend. So he gets let off most household stuff. He'd be screwed if I dropped dead though.

I do all the admin except car stuff, every last bit. I’ve written down all the log ins for various accounts, just in case.

In terms of the house he does all the cooking plus all the floors. He pulls his weight in plenty of useful ways, but he’ll have a huge life admin shock if I ever drop dead!

I mostly do it. DH does almost all cleaning in the house, so I don't mind taking on other stuff.

I'm old enough to remember queuing up at the bank and the post office etc and all the filling in of paper forms for insurance and everything else.

Me too, Not really relevant though is it nowadays.

OP, I do it all as a solo mum. In some ways easier, in a lot of ways not.

If he did all the cleaning I would most certainly let him off 🤣

Mine would be at a bit of a loss but everything is in plastic folders the filing cabinet pockets clearly labelled. I write everything down in an organiser because remembering everything is beyond me these days. I've missed a hospital and hair appointment already this year because they weren't written down.

I sort my car, he sorts his. I check my own oil, water, tyre pressure, MOT, tax and insurance.

Sometimes I think it would be nice to be helpless 😂

We don’t have any kids but DP basically does all the admin in our house. Sorts out all the bills, researches and plans holidays, books restaurants, puts everything on the calendar, sorts out people to do any work we need on the house etc. He’s good at that kind of thing. I’m not.

I’m much more practical, inventive and better at problem-solving than him. He’s much more organised than me.

I can’t tell you how many parties 3 primary aged children get invited to! Basically every weekend! Presents need to be bought, wrapped and cards sorted. It would never occur to my husband to do this! he would ferry the kids to the party(if I told him where to go!!!!) but wouldn’t occur to him to buy and wrap the present. And that’s just one small element.

And yes my job is stressful. I’m a lawyer in the civil service.

I don’t deserve a break though while I’m manically working in between school runs (to two seperate schools) clearing up breakfast, getting a wash on. Before dashing out and doing two more school runs then doing dinner, putting away washing and clearing up AGAIN!

thats before sorting every other element of our life

I would say my partner does most of it. We both work almost full time.

He does all stuff like sorting insurances, mortgage rates etc, but he'll run any big decisions past me. He books the boiler serving, MOTs, dentist, pays childcare invoices, booking dc activities, updating subscriptions. He's just more 'on it' than I am.

I do things like organising any travel, planning and packing for holidays. Gift buying for my family, but we do it jointly for our DC.

I do the majority of sickness childcare, school events, doctors appointments because my job is much for flexible, I WFH and he works shifts in a hospital. Same with any trades people or work on the house it usually falls to me because I'm here more often. I'm main point of contact for dc sports clubs.

I've got two birthdays gifts hidden in the office for later this month, I've still one child to sort though. April is expensive in our family.

I've also wrapped up a June and a July birthday. I keep a folder of birthday cards topped up. Keep spare wrapping paper, sellotape.

All this happens on Friday admin day.

This is brilliant. Thank you.

am currently the director and grunt worker of domestic affairs. Drives me nuts.

Oh sod that for a lark @DorisDoesDoncaster .

Yes and bloody unpaid and unappreciated post it is too!

Argh!

I'm a SAHM as I'm currently too unwell to work. I do the vast majority of life and family admin, including any of DHs admin that doesn't specifically require him to do it. I put my daughter on and pick my daughter up from her taxi every school day. I do the majority of housework as well, and most of the cooking. DH just does a couple of smaller jobs that I don't like. Namely anything bin related and washing anything that can't go in the dishwasher. I don't mind doing the majority of life admin because he works full time and I don't.

Saying this, there is an element of flexibility. If I have a flare up of symptoms, DH keeps the house afloat for a few days until I'm well enough to resume normal duties.