Straw poll - who handles all life admin in your house

[Lifeadmin22]

Just been having quite a terse disagreement with my husband about division of labour in our house.

I think I do far more than him and he seems to think this is absolutely fine/normal.

We have 3 children - an 8 year old and 5 year old twins. I went down to 3 days after the twins as we couldn’t afford full time childcare for them. I’ve changed my hours to school hours to accommodate drop offs and pick ups - of which I do them all. And then sort the kids when they get home, do their dinner etc. He gets home from the office and does help with books/bedtime.

I organise all doctors appointments, school admin, arranging holiday care, booking clubs, birthday parties, days out, our holidays.

To be fair to him, he does his share of ferrying them round, getting up in the morning, doing their breakfast while I get their uniform prepped and lunches made.

BUT basically I feel he sits back and waits to be told what to do and I’ve had enough of it. Like I’m his line manager dishing out tasks and telling him where he needs to be that day. Or he’ll happily come on a family day out but I need to think about where to go, book the tickets etc first.

He says he works full time and that no other dads do any admin so I should be grateful he does a lot more than most.

Im also resentful as I have a demanding job that I start at 9.30 and finish at 2.30 and have no lunch break as I’m so busy. He seems to think I’ve got the good end of the deal when actually I’m cramming a full time job into school hours and then have the children to manage the instant I’m finished. I don’t even have time for a lunch break! I do all the clearing up the minute I’m back from the school run and put a wash on and then have to be logged in working. He gets to swan off to the office, chat to colleagues and have plenty of hot coffees I’m sure!

AIBU to boot him out and change the locks!

I used to do the vast majority of it for a combination of reasons

1. When we got together, I had my own place and he hadn't left home, so I was already doing it all / everything was in my name to start with
2. I was am known for being super organised. I enjoy doing things like balancing the books (before on-line banking and spreadsheets were a thing, and we used a note book and a pen and had to balance things like cheques that had been written but not cashed and so forth).
3. I love a bargain, he is less bothered, and would happily stay with the same insurance or utility or bank or savings account, whereas I love the thrill of getting a better deal, even after we got to a stage when we didn't literally have to count every penny
4. Then I went part time, so it was only right that I did more at home as he did more hours in his paid employment. I had a (school hours) day a week at home even after the dc were all at school. Seems reasonable that I should use that for the home / family - I recognise OP's circumstances aren't the same.
5. He is a better cook than me. I am better at 'paperwork' than him. It makes sense to me that we both do things we prefer and do less of the stuff we don't like doing.

I do ALL life admin and work 36 hours a week in a stressful job.
I've been to see my GP today as I'm overwhelmed with stress and anxiety.

Sorry to hear this ☹️

It’s so upsetting you’ve had to go to the GP rather than have support from your partner. Really hope the doc can help x

I'm a sahm and I do some bits, DH does some. I do extracurricular clubs, half the school stuff, online shop, days out, medical appointments, holiday camps, birthday gifts, my own finances. DH does holiday booking, some school stuff, taking to birthday parties, mortgage and bills, insurances, and his own taxes. He's home to help with bath and bedtime every night, does the morning school run and is hands on with the dcs every weekend.

I’d murder him. It’s an issue in our marriage as well, and we are both full time. He now does much of the cooking, the food shopping, the meal planning (but if we need to keep to budget I have to do it, or if we’ve agreed stuff with the kids I need to make sure it’s on there), he does the dentist, for about two years nobody went while I held the line on that but we all have good teeth and do teeth brushing. He books some holiday care when told. The complete inability to think drives me batshit. Except football, he takes care of all football. He also booked piano lessons but is majorly absent in my trying to make piano more convenient. If he sees me so much as think about something he thinks oh good she will manage that.

I do it all. Yes sometimes he’ll take a kid to an activity, but that’s after I’ve organised, paid, noted the time and address and written it on the calendar. He doesn’t even help on the morning of the one day he works from home. He actually makes it more difficult to get them out the door when he WFH because they want his attention, but oh he’s WORKING. Yeah so am I.

I'm handling all the divorce admin like mediation and sale admin and getting house ready to sell myself too. I knew he'd never do any of the house stuff, but I didn't expect him to be blaming me for everything taking so long while being completely resistant to doing anything himself. I probably should have expected that based on previous behaviour. He also tells me he doesn't trust me to say what's fair but refuses to see a solicitor and get his own advice.

Im still handling all the contact arrangements which regularly need rearranging, kids admin, SEN related admin for kids, keeping him informed of everything because otherwise it upsets the kids and he blames me. Though at least he's now a town away and I don't have him in my home, so worth it.

I do all the life admin and all the cooking / meal planning, but DH does all the washing, cleaning, and tidying up. Balance, but also playing to our strengths. I loathe cleaning / tidying, he hates paying bills. So we divide and conquer. I think I've got the better deal, he probably thinks the same. So we're all winning.

Snap!

Play to your strengths!

It's meant to be DH because he is retired and I'm still working. In fact I do most of it and he just does the bits he finds interesting. He cancelled Sky last week without discussing it with me, but to be fair it is something I have mentioned in the past. Family events, holidays, day trips, arranging for tree surgeons, booking MOTs, remembering people's birthdays, finding a cleaner and somebody to help in the garden - all me.
His job, this week, is to put some things into eBay for sale. Also to take some rubbish to the tip and some stuff to the charity shop. (We cleared out the shed at the weekend). It is Wednesday and he hasn't even started - not even taken photographs. The stuff is NOT going back into the shed!

I should say... I sorted out the stuff from the shed and decided what to do with it...

How is that in any way helpful to the op?

Me. Because I'm a lone parent. I also work full time. There's no excuse for not doing it.

I do finances (he cannot budget for the life of him) like pay bills, sort money out

But on his lunch break he will do any calls that i struggle with and pick up prescriptions/emergency groceries on way back from work/order them.

We sort of both step in depending on what the admin is.

Important medical appointments, he will book half day off work and we will go together.

I do about 90%? Dp does tesco orders annual insurance, council tax. I do everything else including the many many medical appointments - I don't necessarily take ds to them, but I organise it all.

I don't mind really as we're 50/50 on everything else, I palm off the jobs I don't like on the basis of doing all the night wakes (yes, with a breastfeeding 2yo and a 5yo with health issues). I send dp to most of ds' regular appointments - nothing that needs an advocate, as dp for all his strong points, is a terrible advocate for himself or the kids when it comes to health.

We both work full time, me exclusively from home, him mostly from home. We aim for equal down time. But I'm the better planner, and I care more about things like home improvements etc.

@Lifeadmin22 I did all the life admin, everything you mention and more. However, DH was/is a workaholic and was out of the house from 6.30/6.45 until turned 9. As a family we reaped the rewards of that. Overall, I felt that we input the same effort but in different.t ways and worked as a team for the greater good.

What resonates about yiur post is 21 hours spread over five days. I did 18 over four for two years when I went back to work and the dc were settled into school.

Honestly, it was the hardest two years ever. I have never worked so hard. Especially doing as much work as the full-timers for half the pay. Dashing to school, then work at 9.15, frantically working until 2.30 usually with no lunch, then dashing back home to do 30 mins of jobs, collect the dc, sort out clubs, teas, homework, dinner, etc.

After two years I went back to work full-time, got an au-pair, subcontracted a lot more, including the Christmas trees, and life was much easier. I had a lunchbreak a couple of times a week and got home at 6.30 to fed children.

I sympathise, you have the worst of all worlds at present.

Baby doesn't require much admin at the moment, but he's done all the benefit applications, registration etc as well as doing most household utility admin.

We're doing SPL and when we return to work we're compressing our hours so we both do four days. We can work flexibly, so we're both considering the day when the other does childcare as a day to have "me time" too.

However, we're the only one of two couples in my antenatal group making such arrangements, so he's right in that regard.

In our house my husband WFH and I run my own (medical healthcare based) business.
so whilst we both do drop offs he’s picking them up.
Everything else is a me job. birthday parties, 99% of the house work (he will occasionally empty or reload the dishwasher), all the laundry, keeping track of which child is in which after school club at which time & their progress, doctors appointments (if we can ever get them), hospital appointments, sports days, parents evening, all the food shopping.
The only things my husband takes care of is the mortgage (paid by DD every month and I’ve been nagging him to speak to our mortgage advisor - he has her contact details) and the utility bills. Because they are things that come out of his paycheck, anything child related, fun, food etc is on me.
Its exhausting but with a husband with autism who apparently “doesnt see” and “doesnt think” about doing things I have no choice.

My DH does most of it - he does: household bills, insurance, dentist and doctors for the kids, tax-free childcare

I do: long term savings and investments, school holiday planning and holiday childcare bookings

My husband does most paperwork/calls, etc. I’m more the practical, physical stuff one.

Me, or else we would just be on the same contracts for years on end. DH only goes onto his bank account once a month and that is when he pays his Barclaycard. I reminded him it was ISA time and said, of course when you next go on your bank account it's not urgent.

How is 9:30-2:30, 3 days a week 21 hours? Am I missing something. Regardless, OP, I think having a full time workload for a part time role is up to you to sort out with your employer. If my partner went down to those hours to exchange formal working time with house/children work, then yes I’d expect them to deal with far more of the child/house admin. Though I’m not sure if I have your hours correct.

DH and I both work FT. I deal with the school and social stuff and DH handles doctors, dentist, haircuts etc. He also gets up with them most mornings as I have a longer commute and does all their laundry. I’d say he does 70% for them and I’m still exhausted! I think it’s the nature of the beast …

With respect, I never understand why single parents jump on a thread that are about the fair division of labour between a couple living together. Yes, we and OP surely know that single parents handle it all, but it’s not relevant. Even if OP could handle it all if she had to, she shouldn’t. Is the intent to make her feel bad? Seems that way.

Birthday parties are very much life admin when you have three kids and up to 30 kids in each class! Calendar management, buying presents, taking them to and from.

We have always sorted out each others families birthdays and Christmas stuff.

We do finances together though DH seems to get turned on my macros in financial spreadsheets so he actually does more.

DH has always done the majority of laundry and I have done the majority of cooking.

Insurances and stuff like renewals, he does the investigating on deals and I then ring and try and negotiate money off.

We decide on holidays together.

So we have always shared stuff but also play to our strengths. He is very good with processing information in fine detail I’m very good at getting deals if any negotiation is possible.

Regardless of how much each does there is the mental load aspect and innate personality. Our Mothers are a perfect example on how different people can be. Same list of things that would need doing, it would have taken my Mother half the time of MIL.

I guess you need to stop doing certain stuff if you can’t agree on this issue, talk to him more.