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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Is 2.5hrs+ of travel excessive expectation?

105 replies

ChildcareQ · 09/04/2024 22:57

GPs live ~40 mins away.

They occasionally help out with odd day here and there of school holiday childcare.

Usually travelling to the family home and looking after children in their own home (so approx 80 mins travelling).

One parent WFH and has expressed this situation does not work for them. It's too disruptive. They want GP to look after children in their home. This was raised day before childcare had been arranged for, no time to rearrange/make alternative arrangements.

At short notice other parent arranged to drop DC off at GP house in the morning before work. Not ideal as GP house is 40 mins in wrong direction for work. Will make parent "late" for work (not an issue, parent works flexi). GPs will bring children home at the end of the day.

WFH parent is now incredulous and thinks this is unreasonable. GPs should pick up children and drop them back - so over 2.5hrs of travelling.

Other GP with a similar arrangement will drop and collect, but they live 20 mins away. Is WFH parent unreasonable to expect the same of other GP who live further away?

Before anyone says it, other parent is now planning to use holiday clubs in future for the odd days that GPs would usually help out. Not worth the hassle (although children will miss out on GP time and be sad as they would prefer to be looked after by GP).

Other parent does not think WFH parent is being unreasonable to find WFH with children and GP in home difficult. However expecting GPs to provide childcare, plus travelling 2.5hrs seems unreasonable.

OP posts:
Greyat · 10/04/2024 11:40

Does WFH parent have options. Could he choose to go into the office? If not, he needs to find some office space or an alternative for school holidays.

rwalker · 10/04/2024 11:43

Wfh with kids and GP there I should imagine is impractical so it’s not unreasonable
but the suggestion of them picking them up is

my sisters lives just under an hour from niece does a handover 1/2 way if GP we’re willing to do that would that be an option

CloudPop · 10/04/2024 11:47

The primary purpose of the home is to be a home, not a workplace

Find somewhere else to work if the free childcare the grandparents are being coerced into providing is disruptive

Flossflower · 10/04/2024 11:48

We are the grandparents in this situation. Our journey is slightly longer, about 50 minutes. We do this every week. There is absolutely no way we would consider taking the grandchildren back to our own home and doing all that travelling. It is also a huge responsibility to drive grandchildren on motorways, fast roads etc. Occasionally our child drives to us with the children and WFH at our house while we look after the grandchildren.

RoseMarigoldViolet · 10/04/2024 13:08

Why doesn’t the WFH parent locate themselves in a room as far from the living space as possible and wear noise cancelling headphones? The school holidays don’t last forever so some compromise is needed. You are fortunate to have grandparents who are willing and healthy to look after the children. It is a lovely thing.

saraclara · 10/04/2024 13:40

I do occasional childcare for my DGDs when their parents' shifts clash. I'm also 40-45 minutes away.

In the morning, my son in law and I meet at a convenient halfway point and swap the kids into my car. At the end of the day, depending on what time the first of the parents finishes their shift, they either pick up, or meet at the half way point again, or I drop the kids off.

It's far, far more convenient for me to have them at my house, and it's never needed discussion. I can get on with chores, take them with me to do the shopping (they LOVE tesco!) and they're very easily occupied because Grandma's house is a treat and all their special toys and activities connected with Grandma time are here. I simply don't feel comfortable looking after them in their home. It's not mine, I can't 'do' anything, and though it's hard to explain, I don't feel in charge of the environment. I'm much more confident caring for them at my house. I know where everything is, I'm in control safety-wise as I know where the dangers are and can address them.
Fortunately the parents always assumed care would happen here, so all good.

Workawayxx · 10/04/2024 13:48

WFH parent is U and needs to learn how to wfh the odd day with DC around. Grandparents are not being unreasonable to feel 2.5 hours travel is too much along with a long day of childcare. As an alternative, could they take DC out for part/most of the day to give WFH parent some time.

bumbledeedum · 10/04/2024 13:54

WFH parent needs to recognise it's a HOME first and foremost. If the existence of other people that live in that HOME is so bothersome (s)he needs to relocate themselves elsewhere (garden office, hot desk rental, in office etc etc). They sound like a dick.

saraclara · 10/04/2024 14:14

As an alternative, could they take DC out for part/most of the day to give WFH parent some time.

Speaking as a grandparent, that's MUCH harder work than simply looking after the DGCs at my home. Much as I love days out,. they're massively more tiring, involve planning and often money, and the kids swing from being really excited and happy, to 'I'm tired, I want mummy' in a split second. Which just doesn't happen at home.

It's the GPs doing the favour here, They shouldn't have to make their lives harder, just to satisfy the beneficiary of their help, who doesn't seem to remotely appreciate it.

Etherealcelestialbeing · 10/04/2024 14:28

We had a similar issue here last year @ChildcareQ

Are your DP able and willing to have the DC overnight for a few of these occasions?

How we sorted it: i drove down after work with DC and had dinner with them and the GPs. Then I drove back home. Went to work the next day and GPs dropped the DC back late afternoon. That way it was two journeys for me and two for them. It also gave them more quality time with the DC and I got to spend some time with them too. Felt more like a visit rather than just using them for childcare.

Other times we met halfway between and did a swap over or me or the GP would just accept more driving as it wasn't so often.

Chocolateorange11 · 10/04/2024 14:31

I work remotely with a lot of wfh. This is a home first and I either hide in my sons room (if he is at his Dads) at the back of the house, go to my Mums house or hot desk somewhere. Nobody should ever have to walk on egg shells in their own home!

LifeExperience · 10/04/2024 15:28

WFH parent needs to get a grip and buy some noise canceling headphones. Making the whole family walk on eggshells is ridiculous.

diamondpony80 · 10/04/2024 16:49

mdinbc · 09/04/2024 23:22

I'm a GP. I am not going to drive 40 min to pick up kids, then return them at end of day. end of story.

I agree wholeheartedly with this. I'm not a GP yet but I know I wouldn't do it either and I wouldn't ask my own parents to do it for my kids. You don't stop having a life of your own just because you have grandchildren.

ElloiseMcTavish · 10/04/2024 16:52

If the WFH parent is so unhappy WFH in the holidays tell him to rent working space.

Jeannie88 · 10/04/2024 16:54

I think the parent who wfh is very fortunate to have the free help and is being a control freak! Xx

Boomer55 · 10/04/2024 16:54

WFH patent seems to think whole life revolves around them. They need to get over it.🙄

ZenNudist · 10/04/2024 16:56

OatFlatWhiteForMe · 09/04/2024 23:00

WFH parent sounds like a selfish individual at best.

This

ChildcareQ · 10/04/2024 20:05

Thank you for all the replies.
I will try and answer the main questions.

WFH parent is a good parent, hard working, hands on etc. so I do feel like they are getting a bit of a pasting on here based on this one situation, which wasn't my intention.
WFH parent is quite intolerant to noise/distractions generally, something they struggle with and they do a very technical job which requires a lot of concentration. They have definitely found having children challenging for this reason...

WFH parent cannot go into the office easily, doesn't have a permanent desk there, and working from another space would be tricky due to technical nature of the job and electronic equipment required to work effectively. They do have an office at home, but it's small and off of the main hall, so it is quite noisy. However there is no other space for a home office in the house.

Other parent/GPs could definitely make more of an effort to stop children causing a disruption to WFH parent, so this is something we will work on. However it IS a home first, as some posters have mentioned, so I do think balance is required.

Children doing an overnight with GPs is probably not an option. GPs never expressed any interest in having children over night, but are happy to look after them for a day here and there. And there is no "expectation" of childcare - they have said they are happy to look after the children sometimes to help out and we're welcome to ask if needed. They have said no on many occasions when not convenient for them. Fine.

GPs don't mind if they have children at their house, or look after them at our house. But they are not prepared to do 4 x 40 minute journeys, which I think is a perfectly reasonable position. Unlike WFH parent who seems to think that would be a reasonable expectation of GPs. I do not agree it is reasonable in the slightest, hence this post!

Cheaper holiday clubs don't exist around here. If you want childcare for most of/all of the working day then you will pay £40-50 per child. But that is fine, they are our children and if needed, and another compromise cannot be reached in terms of expectations of GPs and WFH parent, we will pay for more days of holiday clubs going forwards.

WFH parent likes my parents... but also finds them frustrating in many ways (they are very different to his parents and can be quite frustrating at times to be fair!). But there is a resentment there that they don't want to do more with the children (e.g. have them over night for sleep overs). My parents love the children, but also could probably happily live without seeing them much, they have busy lives. They also expect the children to be able to entertain themselves in certain situations, i.e. when we all meet up and adults are talking, my parents would much rather sit and have an adult conversation than be running around with the children. Whereas his parents spend all their time actively playing with and entertaining the children. I personally agree with my parents and think the children should be able to entertain themselves sometimes, but there's a mismatch between the two GPs and of WFH parents expectations as a result I think...

I don't know if that covers all the main questions asked... but there you go. I think that's most of it.

In summary expecting GPs to do +2.5hrs travel in a day to collect and drop children is unreasonable, and we need to look at alternative options going forward that work for everyone... possibly not involving GPs at all.

OP posts:
DrinkFeckArseBrick · 10/04/2024 20:09

Would a folding desk or something be an option so that the wfh parent can relocate upstairs temporarily for a couple of days at a time if the kids are being looked after at home? Not ideal if tight on space, having to sit on the edge of a bed or something but might be ok for a couple of days and preferable to spending some time setting up a space in a different room, vs being interrupted every few minutes

ChildcareQ · 10/04/2024 20:10

I have no idea if much of that made any sense. I've had a really long day and feeling a bit jangly!! Hopefully I got the main points across.

OP posts:
turkeymuffin · 10/04/2024 22:08

ChildcareQ · 10/04/2024 20:10

I have no idea if much of that made any sense. I've had a really long day and feeling a bit jangly!! Hopefully I got the main points across.

I think you can drop the whole "other parent"
"WFH parent" now.

It's a man being an intolerant knob. And it's you as a women who is being expected to sort it out.

turkeymuffin · 10/04/2024 22:09

GPS travelling 2.5 hrs is ridiculous. He needs to accept they look after children at your house for free and that's a win. I'm sure they can go for walks / park etc for a bit of the day, or take them out locally.

Otherwise it's holiday clubs I think.

RadoxMoon · 10/04/2024 22:14

Why can’t the WFH parent do the drop-offs if they think 2.5 hours driving is reasonable?

PuttingDownRoots · 10/04/2024 22:15

Before the summer holidays, I'd look at improving the sound proofing on the office.... and him trying noise reducing headphones!

NewName24 · 10/04/2024 23:01

Can't vote in the poll as it is not clear what the AIBU question is, but I agree with everyone else that the wfh parent is being ridiculous.
Even more so, now you have said they actually have an office.
They need to shut the door, and then, if they are that intolerant of their own dc, get some sound cancelling ear phones.