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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to NOT ask DP this?

65 replies

PyongyangKipperbang · 09/04/2024 21:54

Been together a few years, dont live together by choice but both our places are "home". So LTR with all that brings.

He has his kids 50/50 but the arrangement includes EOW so him and his ex both get EOW kid free, which is very sensibly arranged and done, all happy. When it is his weekend without the kids he finishes work, gets showered and changed and goes for a drink. Which is not a problem, I often meet him and stay the weekend (EOW with ex with mine). Except he absolutely ties it on as it will be the first time he has been out for a fortnight so Saturday is a write off. Doesnt want to do anything, doesnt want to go out in the evening so I am left thinking wtf am I doing here?! Yes we can spend the evening together but he just sits watching crap on the TV.

I dont have a TV, I dont watch it, I hate the noise and it drives me mad so I end up in another room. More often than not I end up going home and the either chilling out or seeing friends. He doesnt like it but accepts that it was his own fault.

After some conversations about it (OK, blazing rows) he really made an effort to tone it down and not do two weeks worth of socialising in one night. Except that he makes a point of saying "See, I am back before midnight, not pissed" etc, like I should say "well done" or something. And lately it has happened a few times again. He knows I am pissed off about it. I can always tell when it is going to happen because instead of waiting for me to get to his after dropping the kids off and us having a bite to eat and a chat and then walking to the pub, he is already there. So last weekend I just didnt go. I went out with my adult daughters for dinner on the friday and to the theatre with my friend on the Saturday. He was down about it, but when I said "Well you will be in the pub and I dont want to go, and then Saturday I am going to see a play that you already said you dont want to go to, so whats the point?" he couldnt argue.

This Saturday is my friends 60th and ex is doing me a favour so I can go, and by coincidence his ex and their kids are going to a family wedding so he has the weekend without his kids.

I just picked up my phone to say "Please dont do your usual Friday and then let me down on Saturday", but I havent. He knows that this is important to me, so I have decided to see what happens. I dont actually care if he comes or not as it is my friends from MY HOBBY (cant say as its too outing)*, and we will have a blast either way, but I just want to see what he does. Was telling my sister and she said I am setting him to fail, but I disagree.

He knows he is invited, he knows when it is, he knows I am going and we can go together or he can be an arse and fuck it up....that is his chance" But then I think maybe thats why she has been married 25 years and I am on my third (and last) divorce!

AIBU

*Yes that was a joke....its poker, and if anyone gets it, the guys who's birthday it is, is the TD!

OP posts:
Original poster
PyongyangKipperbang · 09/04/2024 21:56

Oh and before anyone says it, no he doesnt have a drink problem, he doesnt drink apart from this every other Friday night, which is why it hits him so hard.

OP posts:
ivs · 09/04/2024 21:56

TD?

Why are you with him?

BlondeFool · 09/04/2024 21:58

That is a drink problem if EVERY child free Saturday is a right off 🤷‍♀️

I love a drink and a party but I also love doing things at the weekend too

Original poster
PyongyangKipperbang · 09/04/2024 21:59

ivs · 09/04/2024 21:56

TD?

Why are you with him?

Because apart from this one issue, he is great! Its like he has a blind spot about Friday night. Friday night without the kids, and he does his long week that week, he sees as "now I can switch off" but because he doesnt really drink, it goes straight to his head and the next day is a write off.

OP posts:
Original poster
PyongyangKipperbang · 09/04/2024 22:00

BlondeFool · 09/04/2024 21:58

That is a drink problem if EVERY child free Saturday is a right off 🤷‍♀️

I love a drink and a party but I also love doing things at the weekend too

Alcohol wise we are looking at the equivalent of a bottle of wine over about 4 hours.

OP posts:
Daffodilsarentfluffy · 09/04/2024 22:03

Sadly he's just not that into you..
Head and brick wall come to mind..

nimski · 09/04/2024 22:08

A bottle of wine over 4 hours wipes him out for an entire day?!

Crunchymum · 09/04/2024 22:08

Just to check I'm reading this correctly....

You are in a LDR?
You only see each other EOW (when your DC are with their other parent?)
He gets pissed or is already in the pub every other Friday before you get there?
Every other Saturday he is too hung over to do anything?

What is the point?
What do you get out of this?

Cbljgdpk · 09/04/2024 22:09

I don’t entirely get how he is great if on your only time child free together he gets drunk then doesn’t want to do anything. He’s only good around his kids? The fact he hasn’t socialised for two weeks doesn’t mean he needs to get drunk.
But in answer to your question I agree you shouldn’t have to ask the person you’re in a relationship with to not let you down and if he does it tells you what is most important to him

Cbljgdpk · 09/04/2024 22:10

Also drinking fortnightly doesn’t count as “not really drinking”

WhichEllie · 09/04/2024 22:11

It’s very charitable of you to not consider it a drink problem. While it may not be alcohol dependency, if it’s a predictable pattern of overindulgence and then being useless for a day and it’s impacting his relationship I would consider that a form of drink problem.

Does he put much effort in at other times? He seems rather low effort overall here but I know it’s just one post.

But as to your specific question, no I don’t think you’re unreasonable. You’re not setting him up to fail by not begging him to behave decently. He knows all the details, he knows it’s important to you, and he can act and plan accordingly.

BlondeFool · 09/04/2024 22:15

He's choosing to not do anything the next day then. I don't know anyone that can't function at all after a bottle of wine.

MadBlack · 09/04/2024 22:20

How about he isn't suffering from drinking every other Friday night, but just can't be arsed with getting out of bed on his child free saturdays? And just doesn't want to go out two nights in a row?

dementedpixie · 09/04/2024 22:20

Why isn't he spending Friday night with you? Can he not stay in and have a drink with you? Or can you with go to the pub with him?

Doesn't sound like he's putting in much effort

saveforthat · 09/04/2024 22:20

BlondeFool · 09/04/2024 22:15

He's choosing to not do anything the next day then. I don't know anyone that can't function at all after a bottle of wine.

This. Bloody hell I can drink a bottle over 4 hours and not even feel tipsy. He must be drinking more than that if he is wiped out the next day.

EnglishBluebell · 09/04/2024 22:22

Google 'functioning alcoholic'

Nevermindtheteacaps · 09/04/2024 22:24

Cbljgdpk · 09/04/2024 22:10

Also drinking fortnightly doesn’t count as “not really drinking”

Yes it does 😂😂

Nevermindtheteacaps · 09/04/2024 22:25

EnglishBluebell · 09/04/2024 22:22

Google 'functioning alcoholic'

You're crazy. He's drinking every two weeks 😂😂

ivs · 09/04/2024 22:28

Are you sure it's just one bottle of wine?

Talkwhilstyouwalk · 09/04/2024 22:31

I'd be aright with this IF the day after wasn't a write off. It sounds as though you really value child free time with him, but maybe he doesn't value it in the same way that you do. Perhaps he enjoys spending time as a blended family.....so doesn't see the time without kids there as sacred?

Towerofsong · 09/04/2024 22:33

saveforthat · 09/04/2024 22:20

This. Bloody hell I can drink a bottle over 4 hours and not even feel tipsy. He must be drinking more than that if he is wiped out the next day.

Show quote history

Is that because you are used to drinking wine though?

I hardly ever drink, if I have two glasses of wine I'll feel rough the next day.....Which is why I rarely drink.

Last year I had 3 x G&TS on a night out and felt rough for 3 days.

LadyMacbethWasMisunderstood · 09/04/2024 22:34

Honestly I consider myself a lightweight when it comes to drinking and I don’t drink that often, but if I drank a bottle of wine over 4 hours I’d feel a bit tipsy but would be fine the next day. I echo what others have said. The most would be a slight hangover next morning. No-one drinks a bottle of wine and can’t function all day the day after. He’s either lying about the amount he drinks, or he is lying about not being fit for anything the next day. Or, possibly I suppose, he has an underlying medical condition.

As to your question; it sounds as though you want him to let you down so you can have a reason to end things. If you feel like that I’d just end things anyway. If you do still want to make a go of it I’d actually tell him what you expect.

Comingupriver · 09/04/2024 22:34

You’re not comparable and that’s okay. Move on and be happy.

Snugglemonkey · 09/04/2024 22:44

EnglishBluebell · 09/04/2024 22:22

Google 'functioning alcoholic'

Wtf?! Why???

canyouletthedogoutplease · 09/04/2024 22:45

If his drinking is causing a problem, it's a drink problem. I'd just let him do what he's showing you he wants to do, and make other plans. You want to spend your time in different ways, crack on.

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