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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to NOT ask DP this?

65 replies

PyongyangKipperbang · 09/04/2024 21:54

Been together a few years, dont live together by choice but both our places are "home". So LTR with all that brings.

He has his kids 50/50 but the arrangement includes EOW so him and his ex both get EOW kid free, which is very sensibly arranged and done, all happy. When it is his weekend without the kids he finishes work, gets showered and changed and goes for a drink. Which is not a problem, I often meet him and stay the weekend (EOW with ex with mine). Except he absolutely ties it on as it will be the first time he has been out for a fortnight so Saturday is a write off. Doesnt want to do anything, doesnt want to go out in the evening so I am left thinking wtf am I doing here?! Yes we can spend the evening together but he just sits watching crap on the TV.

I dont have a TV, I dont watch it, I hate the noise and it drives me mad so I end up in another room. More often than not I end up going home and the either chilling out or seeing friends. He doesnt like it but accepts that it was his own fault.

After some conversations about it (OK, blazing rows) he really made an effort to tone it down and not do two weeks worth of socialising in one night. Except that he makes a point of saying "See, I am back before midnight, not pissed" etc, like I should say "well done" or something. And lately it has happened a few times again. He knows I am pissed off about it. I can always tell when it is going to happen because instead of waiting for me to get to his after dropping the kids off and us having a bite to eat and a chat and then walking to the pub, he is already there. So last weekend I just didnt go. I went out with my adult daughters for dinner on the friday and to the theatre with my friend on the Saturday. He was down about it, but when I said "Well you will be in the pub and I dont want to go, and then Saturday I am going to see a play that you already said you dont want to go to, so whats the point?" he couldnt argue.

This Saturday is my friends 60th and ex is doing me a favour so I can go, and by coincidence his ex and their kids are going to a family wedding so he has the weekend without his kids.

I just picked up my phone to say "Please dont do your usual Friday and then let me down on Saturday", but I havent. He knows that this is important to me, so I have decided to see what happens. I dont actually care if he comes or not as it is my friends from MY HOBBY (cant say as its too outing)*, and we will have a blast either way, but I just want to see what he does. Was telling my sister and she said I am setting him to fail, but I disagree.

He knows he is invited, he knows when it is, he knows I am going and we can go together or he can be an arse and fuck it up....that is his chance" But then I think maybe thats why she has been married 25 years and I am on my third (and last) divorce!

AIBU

*Yes that was a joke....its poker, and if anyone gets it, the guys who's birthday it is, is the TD!

OP posts:
RJnomore1 · 09/04/2024 22:51

Hello lovely

I think there’s two things here, for what it’s worth. No you’re not setting him up to fail. You shouldn’t feel like you have to “nag” him
not to be bloody useless for an event that matters to you.

The other - a bottle of wine has him useless for a whole day? It’s 9/10 units so out his system by late morning at the latest, and if he’s doing it as regularly as every 14 days it shouldn’t be the same as someone who drinks once or twice a year so it’s all very odd.

Famfirst · 09/04/2024 22:53

What's a TD?

saveforthat · 09/04/2024 22:55

Towerofsong · 09/04/2024 22:33

Is that because you are used to drinking wine though?

I hardly ever drink, if I have two glasses of wine I'll feel rough the next day.....Which is why I rarely drink.

Last year I had 3 x G&TS on a night out and felt rough for 3 days.

Show quote history

Yes, I am used to drinking wine 😁but op says so is he.

AutumnFroglets · 09/04/2024 22:55

because instead of waiting for me to get to his after dropping the kids off and us having a bite to eat and a chat and then walking to the pub, he is already there.
So he's drinking with his pub mates instead of eating with you? He's telling you something loud and clear here. Start listening.

mdinbc · 09/04/2024 23:03

I think you are doing the right thing by not reminding him. He's an adult, and knows when and where the party is. If he chooses not to be in shape for it, then you know where you stand.

As for drinking, I've always thought that drinking is a problem when it affects your job, your relationships or your finances or your health. Hi bi-weekly dinking is causing problems, so it is a drinking problem.

Original poster
PyongyangKipperbang · 09/04/2024 23:06

He has always been famous for his inability to handle booze.

Or rather, back in his drinking days (early twenties and they would all be on it every night) he couldnt do it. His hangovers would kill him. Personally I think that actually his body cant handle alcohol, he is happier when he doesnt drink and seems to have more fun. But thanks to social conditioning (mainly in the army) the idea that to go out and have a laugh HAS to include booze is ingrained.

For reference, when we got out I will drink a bottle of wine if I am in a drinking mood and order another glass or so and still be able to function the next day. I will certainly be less pissed. I also know that its time to go home, he doesnt.

And yes, in every other way, he is great. He is the one who is more down than me when we dont spend the weekend together, he makes a lot of effort emotionally. ACtually, thinking about it, he make a lot of effort when I am going over. Makes sure that my milk is in the fridge, makes sure that the cheese I prefer is in there too and so on. He talks, he calls, he wants to make sure I am ok. I dont buy into the whole "love language" thing, but he is the sort of person who wants to "look after" the people they love. When I am ill he will come over if he can or I will get a message from him and then a knock on the door as he has ordered me and the kids takeaway so I dont have to cook. When my boiler broke he bought extra towels so we could use his bathroom. He is very kind, but this seems to be a blindspot.

Anyway. I have decided that I am not going to say anything and see what happens.

OP posts:
Original poster
PyongyangKipperbang · 09/04/2024 23:08

I have to admit though.....I have been thinking lately that maybe we are incompatible. Nothing to do with the Friday nights, but more to do with just the way we live our lives.

I know he loves me and I love him, but having had failed marriages, I know that love isnt always enough.

OP posts:
Original poster
PyongyangKipperbang · 09/04/2024 23:08

Famfirst · 09/04/2024 22:53

What's a TD?

Tournament Director

OP posts:
mrsfollowill · 09/04/2024 23:09

Are you sure he is drinking wine and not vodka? sure a bottle of vodka in one night would wipe me out but not 1 bottle of wine. You need to think what you are getting out of this relationship. How happy/content you feel around him. It sounds like you will have a good night out with or without him- so great- but then what is he bringing to your life ? does he enhance it? The ideal is you both feel loved and you are each others top priority- this isn't happening here.

MariaLuna · 09/04/2024 23:12

I know he loves me and I love him, but having had failed marriages, I know that love isnt always enough.

So true.

ElloiseMcTavish · 09/04/2024 23:17

EnglishBluebell · 09/04/2024 22:22

Google 'functioning alcoholic'

Did you read the OP?

Original poster
PyongyangKipperbang · 09/04/2024 23:19

mrsfollowill · 09/04/2024 23:09

Are you sure he is drinking wine and not vodka? sure a bottle of vodka in one night would wipe me out but not 1 bottle of wine. You need to think what you are getting out of this relationship. How happy/content you feel around him. It sounds like you will have a good night out with or without him- so great- but then what is he bringing to your life ? does he enhance it? The ideal is you both feel loved and you are each others top priority- this isn't happening here.

He isnt drinking wine, but that would be about the right alcohol amount and over several hours.

ETA

If it was a bottle of vodka he would be dead!! I have been there when he is drinking, it really isnt a bottle of vodka. And the resulting hangover has been the same!

OP posts:
Original poster
PyongyangKipperbang · 09/04/2024 23:32

RJnomore1 · 09/04/2024 22:51

Hello lovely

I think there’s two things here, for what it’s worth. No you’re not setting him up to fail. You shouldn’t feel like you have to “nag” him
not to be bloody useless for an event that matters to you.

The other - a bottle of wine has him useless for a whole day? It’s 9/10 units so out his system by late morning at the latest, and if he’s doing it as regularly as every 14 days it shouldn’t be the same as someone who drinks once or twice a year so it’s all very odd.

Hey you!!!

He used to get far more pissed (we met through the pub I ran) so his tolerance was ok, it was/is the hangovers. A hangover wipes him out. Doesnt matter if its a bottle of wine or a bottle of vodka, the result is the same.

OP posts:
mrsfollowill · 09/04/2024 23:33

@PyongyangKipperbang - love your name by the way!
I'm similar to your sister I think- I've been with DH for over 30yrs and yes I remind him/facilitate everything - shouldn't have to but I have always done it so you could say you are setting him up to fail. BUT why the hell should you?
I keep on doing it because I always have and it's second nature. I'm positive I'll die before DH and he'll be up shit creek really. We're early 50's but his family all live til 92+ and mine cark it mid 60's/70 at a push. My mum is nearly 80 and the very long lived one!
I'd crack on you do your thing and see what happens- you make it your job to remind him it will always be your job. Have a great night whatever.

NeurodivergentBurnout · 09/04/2024 23:47

The problem is that he consistently prioritises spending his alternate Friday nights down the pub and lounging around on Saturdays. The fact that you hate the TV when that’s all that he wants to do on a Saturday is a serious incompatible issue too.
I get the relationship dynamics - I’m in a LDR (well an hour’s drive) with my OH. We typically have our DC EOW and most week nights so our weekends without DC are spent together, usually we alternate who travels. But we are together! We watch TV/movies, walk my dog, go out for meals, been to a couple of stately homes, been to gigs..usually if we go out it’s on the Saturday and then we chill on Sunday before one has to drive home.
But your DP just…doesn’t! He only gets two free days/nights to see you a fortnight and he squanders 24 hours of that time drinking/recovering. I’d expect his DC to be his first priority but you should come before his drinking sessions and..you don’t.
I agree, don’t tell him. See if he’s capable of getting it together for the party. But plan a contingency for if he can’t (going alone, can you still sort transport etc) and think about what you’ll do after if he doesn’t come through for you.

Original poster
PyongyangKipperbang · 09/04/2024 23:54

NeurodivergentBurnout · 09/04/2024 23:47

The problem is that he consistently prioritises spending his alternate Friday nights down the pub and lounging around on Saturdays. The fact that you hate the TV when that’s all that he wants to do on a Saturday is a serious incompatible issue too.
I get the relationship dynamics - I’m in a LDR (well an hour’s drive) with my OH. We typically have our DC EOW and most week nights so our weekends without DC are spent together, usually we alternate who travels. But we are together! We watch TV/movies, walk my dog, go out for meals, been to a couple of stately homes, been to gigs..usually if we go out it’s on the Saturday and then we chill on Sunday before one has to drive home.
But your DP just…doesn’t! He only gets two free days/nights to see you a fortnight and he squanders 24 hours of that time drinking/recovering. I’d expect his DC to be his first priority but you should come before his drinking sessions and..you don’t.
I agree, don’t tell him. See if he’s capable of getting it together for the party. But plan a contingency for if he can’t (going alone, can you still sort transport etc) and think about what you’ll do after if he doesn’t come through for you.

Its funny how writing it all down has made me realise that actually its nothing to do with the amount he drinks and everything to do with his priorities.

Friday Him and his mates.....me there too for preference
Saturday Sofa, telly, footie scores, telly
Sunday Same as saturday without the footie scores

And yet he is very very down if I am not there. He wants my company but not what it costs him doesnt he?

I am very independent. I live my life my way, always have. I rely on no one but myself.

He takes me for granted and its only when I step back that he makes an effort. So he probably wont wreck this weekend because I stayed away last weekend, but it shouldnt be like that.

OP posts:
Original poster
PyongyangKipperbang · 09/04/2024 23:54

Thank you my friends.

OP posts:
Woman2023 · 10/04/2024 00:01

No-one drinks a bottle of wine and can’t function all day the day after.

I would have no hope of functioning if I drank a whole bottle. It would be messy at the very least.

Sorry, that's not helpful OP.

Agree your problem is his priorities, if you want to spend time with him being more functional then you probably need to make it clear.

mrsfollowill · 10/04/2024 00:03

I think you have nailed it as in he takes you for granted! I also think my DH totally takes me for granted Grin in all honesty ( and I have said this out loud lots) if anything happened - DH leaves me or dies I would 100% not bother getting with a bloke again. I love him dearly and do not resent him for one minute - I like looking after him. But once we are done - probably when one of us dies I will live alone and get a cat.

Original poster
PyongyangKipperbang · 10/04/2024 00:40

Woman2023 · 10/04/2024 00:01

No-one drinks a bottle of wine and can’t function all day the day after.

I would have no hope of functioning if I drank a whole bottle. It would be messy at the very least.

Sorry, that's not helpful OP.

Agree your problem is his priorities, if you want to spend time with him being more functional then you probably need to make it clear.

I have. I did.

You know when you read posts on here "I am doing everything and going to work and when I lose my shit and say you need to do more, he steps for a couple of weeks and then it goes back to him doing nothing....."? Its like that.

I am 50. I am too old for this shit.

Nothing will change in the next few weeks, but I am thinking hard.

Thanks again.

OP posts:
MissBattleaxe · 10/04/2024 00:54

You sound massively incompatible. You won't mould him into something you'd prefer so stop trying. From his point of view, you're already laying ground rules and from your POV, he has different interests and different dopamine hits to you.

Stop trying to change him and find someone better suited.

Original poster
PyongyangKipperbang · 10/04/2024 01:06

MissBattleaxe · 10/04/2024 00:54

You sound massively incompatible. You won't mould him into something you'd prefer so stop trying. From his point of view, you're already laying ground rules and from your POV, he has different interests and different dopamine hits to you.

Stop trying to change him and find someone better suited.

I can see how you could get to me trying to change him. Except this is what I was sold!

I was sold a man who wanted to go out for dinner, would go tho the theatre with me if it was something we agreed on (Saturday was a comedy which he admitted afterwards he would have liked to see), wanted to see live music that while, not always necessarily to his taste, he would give it a go. I saw many many live gigs of a genre that I am not a fan of, because I was giving my part back.

What I got was him trying to mould ME. What he wants is me meeting him at the pub with his mates, seeing his preferred bands if it suits him (once in 3 years and only then because it was his best mates birthday), or basically anything that isnt within a 1/2 mile radius of his house. On my big birthday I wanted to go a specific restaurant, so we went. My father (I found out later) treated us so no financial issues. I wanted a starter, he didnt. OK so I looked at the puddings, he didnt want a pudding. We were there less than1.5 hours for my special birthday, that he wasnt paying for, and got "So shall we go to The Red Lion then:?" couldnt get out of there faster than a whippet with a bum full of dynamite.

He wants me to fit in with him and his wants. He is lazy and selfish. It took this post for me to see that. Thank fuck we have never moved in together!

Like I say, not immediate action, but .......

OP posts:
Woman2023 · 10/04/2024 01:38

Sorry to read that update, relationships are hard because most people present their best outgoing selves at the start but can't sustain it long term.

SecondHandFurniture · 10/04/2024 06:28

I had a boyfriend like this. I'd show up on a Saturday night and he wasn't even dressed. Takeaway, film he wanted to see or a pint at the pub next door at a push. I was just a small component of his week, not the main event. Difference being we were 17 and I was too young to know better.

This is a boring man, OP. Time to throw back.

RJnomore1 · 10/04/2024 08:48

It’s amazing how talking it through opens your eyes sometime isn’t.

There are so many men like this, set in their ways, in their small lives, and not really able or prepared to properly adapt. Their world extends to their local. They aren’t bad men, they may even want to be ones who do more, but it’s just too much of an effort or too scary.

Fling him back and get yourself an adventurer. You’re fab, you don’t need every weekend on the couch.