to NOT ask DP this?

[PyongyangKipperbang]

Been together a few years, dont live together by choice but both our places are "home". So LTR with all that brings.

He has his kids 50/50 but the arrangement includes EOW so him and his ex both get EOW kid free, which is very sensibly arranged and done, all happy. When it is his weekend without the kids he finishes work, gets showered and changed and goes for a drink. Which is not a problem, I often meet him and stay the weekend (EOW with ex with mine). Except he absolutely ties it on as it will be the first time he has been out for a fortnight so Saturday is a write off. Doesnt want to do anything, doesnt want to go out in the evening so I am left thinking wtf am I doing here?! Yes we can spend the evening together but he just sits watching crap on the TV.

I dont have a TV, I dont watch it, I hate the noise and it drives me mad so I end up in another room. More often than not I end up going home and the either chilling out or seeing friends. He doesnt like it but accepts that it was his own fault.

After some conversations about it (OK, blazing rows) he really made an effort to tone it down and not do two weeks worth of socialising in one night. Except that he makes a point of saying "See, I am back before midnight, not pissed" etc, like I should say "well done" or something. And lately it has happened a few times again. He knows I am pissed off about it. I can always tell when it is going to happen because instead of waiting for me to get to his after dropping the kids off and us having a bite to eat and a chat and then walking to the pub, he is already there. So last weekend I just didnt go. I went out with my adult daughters for dinner on the friday and to the theatre with my friend on the Saturday. He was down about it, but when I said "Well you will be in the pub and I dont want to go, and then Saturday I am going to see a play that you already said you dont want to go to, so whats the point?" he couldnt argue.

This Saturday is my friends 60th and ex is doing me a favour so I can go, and by coincidence his ex and their kids are going to a family wedding so he has the weekend without his kids.

I just picked up my phone to say "Please dont do your usual Friday and then let me down on Saturday", but I havent. He knows that this is important to me, so I have decided to see what happens. I dont actually care if he comes or not as it is my friends from MY HOBBY (cant say as its too outing)*, and we will have a blast either way, but I just want to see what he does. Was telling my sister and she said I am setting him to fail, but I disagree.

He knows he is invited, he knows when it is, he knows I am going and we can go together or he can be an arse and fuck it up....that is his chance" But then I think maybe thats why she has been married 25 years and I am on my third (and last) divorce!

AIBU

*Yes that was a joke....its poker, and if anyone gets it, the guys who's birthday it is, is the TD!

What's the saying...... "never treat someone as a priority if they only consider you an option"...

Surely he's allowed one day on a busy fortnight where he just chills at home - wine or no wine. My ex go to their dads EOW (no other time though) and usually on the Saturday I'm so exhausted I just crash too. Rarely arrange to do anything. I also think it's fine to go and socialise once a fortnight. Perhaps you are t compatible

I'd challenge that perhaps he has some intolerance to wine if he is this impacted by wine that he is baggage the day after. Why does he continue to drink wine, has he tried other drinks, they may not impact him so greatly? Then you could go about your life?

Saying from experience, i used to suffer really bad hangovers; then realised it was wine. I now don't drink wine at all - cant tolerate it; the last straw was i started with a migraine within half hour of taking a glass of wine, i hadn't even finished it. That knocked me out for 2 days - not even a glass of wine.

That's the problem though, he is trying to combine his only one on one time with his partner with his chill time. No wonder she's pissed off.

Sounds like he's not prioritising you and the relationship. If you didn't join him at the pub on a Friday and went out for the day on a Saturday, you'd never see him! He expects you to fit in with his preferences.

Sounds like he's just stopped trying. If going to the pub every childfree Friday and every childfree Saturday being a write-off is what he wants to do, then leave him to it. He takes it for granted you'll stick around but consider showing him that you won't.

What do you have in common? You both seem to want to do different things. He obviously has his way of unwinding and yours is different. Not sure what either of you are getting from this relationship

Jesus. All these he’s got a drink problem, how bloody mental honestly.

You just have different priorities and life styles. You’d do my head in if I’m honest.

I don't think it's necessarily his drinking that's the problem. It's the fact he chooses to drink which in turn makes him unable to spend quality time with you, is the true problem.

Sounds like an ex I had. He was a social butterfly, so had to go out every Friday evening and Saturday afternoons with friends. So the two weekends a month when I was childfree, but he wouldn't let me come over during those times because he was doing other social plans. So I would go over Saturday evening and leave Sunday by noon. I felt he chose his socializing over me, especially since I only had two child free weekends a month, and I only expected him to spend just one of those weekends entirely with me. In the end he just didn't like me as much as I liked him, and things eventually ended.

If someone likes you enough they are going to make an effort to spend time - quality time - with you.

With what you’ve added, I think it’s pretty clear that the drinking is just an excuse because he wants you to laze around and watch TV with him on a Saturday. He’s not “suffering terribly with a hangover,” he’s just not interested in doing anything else and looking for a reason to a) have his own way and b) cajole you into sitting around with him so he’s not lonely. Certainly a bit low-effort and selfish on his part, and definitely a compatibility issue overall.

Glad to read your last post, @PyongyangKipperbang . I enjoy your posts and reading your OP made me a bit sad for you. Onward and upward!

Mini update....

Not said anything and he is currently in the pub and his messages seem more lucid than I would expect if he was pissed. Said he is looking forward to seeing me tomorrow. We shall see......

Also it isn't wine he drinks I used that example to show the amount of alcohol. Its usually six or seven single measures of a spirit with a large mixer.

But yes it is the selfishness that I have realised is the issue. I suspect that as I did other things on "our" weekend he will make an effort for the next couple of weeks, its what happens afterwards that will be telling. Further update on Sunday....Will very likely be mullered myself tomorrow night!!

I'm afraid binge drinking is a form of alcoholism and it sounds like its a bit of a problem for both of you.

7 measures of spirit is a quite a lot. To me anyway!

Sounds to me he has an established way of winding down and letting off steam, established as you say from when he was in the forces. Little incentive for him to find new ways to decompress (no offence to you), because he's tapping into that powerful camaderie he used to share every Friday and these weekends work for him.

A hobby would pull him in a different direction but he doesn't have by the sounds of it, so yes, incompatibility does sound like the crux of it

It would me

Honestly, if I were on your shoes with your life experience (and I’m 50+ myself and divorced), when you don’t have a long shared history, you’re right to look at this and say it’s not how you want to spend time together. You don’t have the living-full time or seeing each other daily to make allowances on his free nights where he just wants to zone out.

Myself, I do the same as him, tbh / when I’m child-free, I’m dying to just have a few drinks with no obligations and slop about on a Saturday. Difference is, I’m not in a relationship, and when I was, I smartened myself up to focus my time on my then-BF.

Sounds like you’ve enough friends and interests to have a fulfilled and interesting life without him, and he doesn’t sound like he wants to change. And you’re mature enough to not go down the path of being the ‘nag’, a term I hate but I hope you understand it’s the role of ‘nag’ I mean.

if you’re already setting him little tests, you know how he is longterm, and I think you are going to end up disappointed.

He has a clear choice socialising with you or going to the pub with his friends. He doesn't choose you. I'd look for someone who does want to spend their time with you. Don't settle for crap.