Relationship advice - two different cultures?

[DenimOtter]

Hi, hoping your thoughts on some relationship issues as have found this thread very insightful before

We're a relationship between Indian F & English M, both mid-late twenties. The relationship has been ongoing for 2.5 years & has generally been going great. Indian F moved to UK for work reasons shortly before the relationship began & since then we've always lived in UK. This was Indian F's first time living outside India; English M has never lived outside UK.

We've visited India together once - English M has met Indian F's immediate family but wasn't introduced to elderly relatives due to cultural traditions. He enjoyed the trip but seemed to find it difficult not having the independence he used to & not being introduced to family members. He hasn't made any real efforts to learn Hindi, although has joined cultural celebrations in UK when invited.

Frictions have emerged in the last few months when we've started to discuss the future. Indian F is keen to preserve her heritage in her future family. She's happy to live in UK for the time-being, although wants significant milestones (e.g. pregnancy/childbirth) to be in India, as well as her kids to experience Indian schooling for a few years. English M said he would be reluctant for to disrupt kids' education for things like this. Indian F also worries that English M isn't particularly close to her family, especially how close she is to his - she sees them quite often.

Indian F is also keen to retire in India in order to manage a family business she'll eventually inherit. Clearly this is a long way away, but English M wants to stay in UK & doesn't want to move to India due to work reasons, being away from family and difficulty integrating with culture.

Is anyone being unreasonable here or is it just a tricky situation? Are there any other multicultural couples out there who've faced similar challenges? Do you have any advice on what to do? Is it resolvable? Thank you!

incompatible

he’s not been at unreasonable as far as i can see

I think if you meet while both living in a country then the baseline expectation is that's the country you'll be staying in unless both are keen to move. Expecting the spouse who has always lived in that country to relocate somewhere they don't even speak the language, or to be happy raising kids in the other country, is a massive ask and if they're not keen then you're probably just not compatible.

English M wants to stay in UK & doesn't want to move to India due to work reasons, being away from family and difficulty integrating with culture.

hear hear for me too

Indian F is also keen to retire in India in order to manage a family business she'll eventually inherit

retire but take over family business?

Nobody is unreasonable here. It seems a breakup is inevitable

I think F is being a bit unreasonable wanting to be in India for pregnancy/birth and some time for schooling...undefined amounts of time. For birth it would need to be from early enough that she is still allowed to fly, how will it work getting healthcare sorted and how long after the birth is she expecting to stay? It could be several months that she is away and what is M to do with regards work and seeing his child in that time?

More than one child, the same each time? Or just 1st child?

What is it about the Indian school system that F feels the child(ren) need to experience?

The guy doesn’t want to move and nor does he want to embrace your culture. I can totally understand as I wouldn’t want to do either of those things.

It’s not personal but splitting children between two different cultural systems is far from ideal?

Something here has to give.

Sometimes love genuinely isn’t enough.

neither of you are wrong

No one is being unreasonable. You're just incompatible.

I know it won't feel like it, but it's actually a good thing to split on friendly terms in your mid/late 20s after only a couple of years because you've both been mature and honest to have these long-term conversations with each other. You're not tied to each other yet and you can take these lessons into your next relationships. You've had a nice 2.5 years and you can think of each other fondly.

Much much better than some other couples I know who seemingly avoided every difficult long-term conversation for years until they were married with kids and only then discovered they had a fundamental incompatibility.

(Not sure how many conversations you've had about this so it may be worth some more talking, but given that one of you would need to completely change their vision of how their life will end up... there isn't a good compromise to be had.)

I don't think either of you is bring unreasonable at all.

However, you're incompatible. A split is inevitable. Sorry.

I don't think anyone's being unreasonable. It's just two people from different cultures who want different things. It feels like there will always be battles in this relationship and one party will always be unhappy and massively compromising.
I'm white British and married to an Indian man, however he's always lived in the west and has no desire to live in India so it's been easy for us.

F is unreasonable to move to the uk, meet someone English and then expect life events to revolve around India. I dont think its realistic to plan decades into the future. It seems like F's heart is still in India and it has a massive pull, which is fine, just not realistic unless M is incredibly flexible and goes with the flow.

There's no way I'd have any of my children schooled in India especially girls. I'm also not surprised M isn't close to F family if they live in india? Did F know enligh when she moved to the uk? If so M not learning hindi is not the same. It would be nice if they could learn, but I certainly wouldn't expect it, considering what a difficult language it is.

F also worries that English M isn't particularly close to her family

whilst this is understandable, I think it is very difficult for him to create a close bond when they live such a long way away, and he was kept away from certain family members as well.

so much here screams incompatible. And that is what relationships are about- finding out what works.

I’m agree with the previous posters: you are just incompatible.

Neither is right, neither is wrong. Less rigid people who were more devoted to each other would find a solution. But neither of you are those flexible people. You want to stay close to your family and country of origin—even returning to take over the family business. He wants to stay in his country of origin, is distant with his family, and does not expect to raise his children half in and half out of his own culture. He certainly is not adventurous enough to move to a new country at retirement age.

Those differences cannot be reconciled.

given all this op

i suspect your approach to parenting will also massively clash

I'm in a similar relationship, although I was living in my wife's country when I met her and largely learned the language. I wasn't allowed inside my in-law's home before we were married and only met them a couple of times in places where others wouldn't recognise them. I think if you met here, the default is you're here unless you both want to go, in a sense I was fortunate that she wanted to come here, but I was prepared to stay there. It's much easier for an Indian to live here as a normal person than for an English person to live long-term in India. I think you have to love the country to do it, not just the person, I love her country. Frequent changes in the country have the potential to really damage careers. If you want the relationship to work, I'd suggest you say you plan to go back to India for, say three months of each maternity leave, and he can come out for a chunk in the middle, but not too soon; that would be cruel on him and give up on schooling there, why would you want to? Retirement is a long way away. I like the idea of a few years in my wife's country, where the cost of living is low for the first phase of retirement when, hopefully, you don't need lots of medical care, then back here when we need that and family more. That will only work for you if he loves the country by then, and not meeting everyone first time won't have helped, but frequent trips over the next 30/40 years may change that. I'd not have learned her language if I hadn't lived there. Mainly I think you are the one that needs to give dreams up if you want to make this work. Jai Hind.

Given the distance and cultural differences, I'd say the school years and retirement were a huge ask of someone who doesn't seem willing or wanting to immerse themselves in it. Which is fair enough, but makes you incompatible.

OP, you clearly see India, and not the UK as your permanent home. It's the other way around for him so no, this is not resolvable. 'Compromises' such as pregnancy/birth there, 'a few years of schooling' are not only sticking plaster obscuring the real issue but also likely to be logistically difficult.

I am a Malaysian of Indian descent married to a white British man. Certainly, I understand the desire for some of these. Like pregnancy/birth in your home country will be affordable and of much better standard than the UK. You might be able to take temporary unpaid leave to do it but the rest is going to be much harder.

Ultimately cross-cultural relationships need meeting in the middle. India and the UK are very different countries. Neither of you are willing to adapt so it won't work.

If you really want to date and marry a non-Indian you need to find one that loves your culture - but there's the risk that those types well fetishize it a bit. My husband is like your boyfriend, but he's not against the idea of moving to Malaysia. If it works for both of us! Not because I demand it. Retiring there for example makes more sense financially so he's on board. But that's a long time away.

As an aside OP the work culture in India is very different from the UK. Surely. you must know that. Unless he's going to get a cushy role in the family business it'll be really difficult for him to advance his career. Long hours, needing connections for plum jobs, etc.

Break up before DCs come along.

An international custody battle is up there with cancer as something to avoid.

are you coming back op?

The bottom line is you both want to live in different countries. It's never going to work.

Did she have an English medium or Hindi medium education? Even with the latter I'd expect a significant knowledge of English. Whereas he will have had almost no previous exposure to Hindi and if not living there won't be learning by immersion. It's a significant undertaking for a relationship of less than 3 years.

Does he have a career compatible with taking months of leave for each child and then several years for education, or will he have to leave his job each time?

What is the reason for wanting exposure to both education systems? It's going to be incredibly difficult for a.child to swap between not only separate curricula that are likely tontwach different things in different order (even English isn’t identical, and something like history will have verybdifferent content) but also very different styles of teaching and educational culture.

Expecting him to be as close to her family as she is to his is unreasonable. She's in the same country as his. He is on a different continent from hers, and even when visiting can't be introduced to significant members of the family. Of course they aren't close.

I think F is BU.

Sounds like F wants M to make huge comprises but is not willing to make any compromises of her own. M is expected to move back and forth across the world but F will not even entertain introducing M to elderly relatives in case it causes upset?

No. Incompatible.

I'm the immigrant F in a relationship with an English man, met in the UK. The Indian F is being very unrealistic and unreasonable. They should probably split now, Indian F should go home if that is what she wants. But she cannot expect her English partner to move back with her or allow that kind of disruption to their lives and their children's lives.

Ultimately they want different things. Better to break it off now than later.

You and your partner simply want very different things from life, and you are not compatible. You aren't wrong to want to want your children to experience school etc in India or to want to retire there. But your boyfriend isn't wrong not to want those things. Neither of you is being unreasonable but you aren't compatible as a couple. One of you will always be unhappy if you stay together.