Relationship advice - two different cultures?

[DenimOtter]

Hi, hoping your thoughts on some relationship issues as have found this thread very insightful before

We're a relationship between Indian F & English M, both mid-late twenties. The relationship has been ongoing for 2.5 years & has generally been going great. Indian F moved to UK for work reasons shortly before the relationship began & since then we've always lived in UK. This was Indian F's first time living outside India; English M has never lived outside UK.

We've visited India together once - English M has met Indian F's immediate family but wasn't introduced to elderly relatives due to cultural traditions. He enjoyed the trip but seemed to find it difficult not having the independence he used to & not being introduced to family members. He hasn't made any real efforts to learn Hindi, although has joined cultural celebrations in UK when invited.

Frictions have emerged in the last few months when we've started to discuss the future. Indian F is keen to preserve her heritage in her future family. She's happy to live in UK for the time-being, although wants significant milestones (e.g. pregnancy/childbirth) to be in India, as well as her kids to experience Indian schooling for a few years. English M said he would be reluctant for to disrupt kids' education for things like this. Indian F also worries that English M isn't particularly close to her family, especially how close she is to his - she sees them quite often.

Indian F is also keen to retire in India in order to manage a family business she'll eventually inherit. Clearly this is a long way away, but English M wants to stay in UK & doesn't want to move to India due to work reasons, being away from family and difficulty integrating with culture.

Is anyone being unreasonable here or is it just a tricky situation? Are there any other multicultural couples out there who've faced similar challenges? Do you have any advice on what to do? Is it resolvable? Thank you!

Neither of you are wrong but ultimately you just want different things out of life. It sounds like you're not compatible long term. Better to find these things out sooner rather than later.

We don't know if op is her or him. Its neutral. Why have you presumed they are female?

I’d guess because OP has posted on mumsnet, predominately used by women.

No one is unreasonable but you are incompatible. Realistically a long term relationship is not going to work if you want to live in different countries, someone relocating/staying somewhere they fundamentally don't want to be is a disaster waiting to happen. That isn't something you can compromise on.

It's stated clearly in the OP that she is female!

where? can you quote because i see no confirmation

Nobody at fault, but incompatible. Both people want different things. Best to break up before any kids.

this won't work. I think the Indian F needs to find someone with a similar cultural background. I don't think your expectations after moving to the UK and meeting a British man are very realistic.

I know someone who has grown up partly in the UK and partly in India (both parents Indian). She did not find the transition to India easy, and returned to the UK for A-levels, although the rest of the family remained in India. So it's not just difficult decisions for you, but possibly also for any potential children later.

It does sound like you may just have to draw a line under this one, and look for someone who does see their future in India.

You want different things and however much you love each other it's not going to work. At least you have realized now.

OP, I have been in a relationship with my DH with the same mix of cultures (but sexes are reversed) for nearly 30 years.

I don't think either of you are being at all unreasonable to want what you want. However, unless both of you are prepared to compromise, I think you will find that you are incompatible.

It's great that you are talking about these difficult questions now. Much better than making assumptions and then discovering years down the line that the other person has a completely different set of assumptions.

Ultimately, it will come down to what each of you consider to be your non-negotiables. What are you prepared to accept or give up on order to make the relationship work? And what can you not accept/give up?

You should break up. Anything could happen in the future, what would you do if after years of marriage and kids your partner ended up being a carer to a family member here, would you still expect him to leave them behind and join you aboard so you could run your parents business? What would happen if your family needed you back sooner than planned?
You want to be there, he wants to be here, neither one of you is wrong, so leave before your lives become more entangled

It sounds like incompatibility rather than unreasonableness - both life plans are reasonable if you're on the same page as the other person in the relationship, but if you aren't able to reach a compromise then it would be unreasonable to force another person into a life they don't want.

Personally, I wouldn't be rushing to have a child outside the UK unless you were 100% confident about what that means for citizenship and passports. There are a lot of stories of families being unable to bring babies back to the UK after they were born abroad, particularly if one or both parents has citizenship in the child's country of birth.

Yes, she says:

We're a relationship between Indian F & English M, both mid-late twenties.

all that is doing is confirming indian is female and male is english

op never ever says that the female is her

Your partner doesn't want to live in India. You do, albeit at various points through your life but the relationship wont ever work.

Dont have children, because if you do amd you break up they will be dragged from India back to England for time with family and one parent will end up living away from their child.

You're absolutely right, I stand corrected.

Living split between two countries isn’t feasible. Pregnancy and childbirth abroad doesn’t really fit around employment. It certainly doesn’t work with an older child in school.

I don’t think this couple can succeed. I doubt the woman will have much relationship luck though given the parameters she wants to place on the relationship. Picking a home and committing to that home may be necessary at some point.

Indian F, obviously sees the UK as only a temporary place to live and work, while considering that India, with her family, customs, education, culture, etc is where ultimately she wants to be. It would have been fair for her to make this clear to the English M earlier than 2.5 years into the relationship. Also, very unfair of her to say that he is not close to her family when she is the one who has prevented him meeting some of them, and there are obvious geographical and cultural restrictions in place as well.

English M has met Indian F's immediate family but wasn't introduced to elderly relatives due to cultural traditions
So you want him to move somewhere your family won't acknowledge him?

No, it will be because they're not married yet. Elderly relatives probably aren't used to the idea of boyfriends/girlfriends etc. I presume that he would be introduced at a later date if they got married.

The couple don't want the same things and neither seems willing to compromise - and to be fair, the compromises would be more like sacrifices.

Incompatible - best to break it off.

I don't think either of you is being unreasonable, but I think you won't be happy in the long run.

Moving back and forth to India for childbirth, then schooling (so, that's a long period of time, birth then through to a few years of school? Or are you thinking birth, move back to UK, back back to India after 5 years?) is quite a lot of disruption to everyone's life: presumably both adults will have careers which will need to be changed/ at the very least moved to new employers.

Then there's housing, having to leave your home/house in the UK to find one in India (or offered one by family, but in that scenario, is it really your house or will the family see it as theirs, which the UK spouse will probably struggle with)

Then moving back for another 10-15 years until the next disruption of moving overseas again.

I am making these observations as an adult lifelong expat. I've lived outside of my home country since I was 26 (I'm now 47). I've lived in 5 different countries. However, since having DS we have stayed in one spot as I've made friends, he's made friends, DH and I both have jobs we love, etc. Moving back and forth to different countries temporarily would mean no one would be able to make solid relationships or ever feel as if they had a home anywhere.

This is never going to work.

Neither are unreasonable but you're not compatible.

Please please do not get pregnant.
This relationship is unlikely to work so please don't bring a child into it.