Is it over for husband and I, or do I need to get a grip?

[shonapop]

Husband has a lot of time of work 'sick' with regular flare-ups of a bowel condition. This latest absence, he has been off for 4 weeks, 2 more still to take off before his return. He is physically fine to do general housework. I work a very manual job and come back shattered to a filthy house, which I'm then expected to clean and then make dinner for him and the kids. I ask him to do chores while I'm out. Yesterday I asked him to hoover and deal with all the bins. This was too much info for him, and he forgot the bins. I lost my shit. He's making out I'm a maniac over forgetting to empty bins. This extended time off happens a few times each year. There is nothing physically stopping him lending a hand. I'm filled with resentment. Feel used and taken advantage of, and it's got to the stage where I wonder if we should go our separate ways. He says things like he can't see that the toilets need cleaned, he didnt notice the mud from the dogs splashed up the white kitchen units. I just can't get my head around this and feel he's taking the piss out of me. When I lose my shit he starts to say he'll change, make lists so he remembers, etc, but nothing ever changes. WTF do I do??

People do have different standards of what is clean and what needs doing so I don’t think he’s taking the piss necessarily. What happens when he’s not ill- who does everything then? You sound like you are really fed up with him and I think this goes deeper than a few unemptied bins.

This is so draining for you OP. As you're well aware, not an equal partnership.
Probably things will at least feel 'fairer' when he returns to work but it's not right, is it?

I think he needs to get a grip, not you.

I’d leave if you can afford too. Life’s too short !

But when he returns to work you'll be the default cleaner of everything again.

Why have you let this happen? I couldn't be with a man who didn't do half of the housework.

I had one of these. (Not the illness, but the I just can’t see it) I ended the relationship over it and am so much happier.

Because he couldn’t “see” it I ended up doing everything, or nagging, which I hated. It never got better and I ended up feeling like a skivvy. My view was very much if you can’t tell that the place needs hoovering - do it once a week anyway and that’ll keep me happy. He was just too lazy

Why have you put the word sick in inverted commas? Do you think he is exaggerating his condition? Or could do more? Because it sounds as if that's part of the resentment.

There are definitely different standards of cleanliness and definitely it is possible not to see something. I am quite tidy but I even I can at times miss things others spot. Certainly, when I live alone I don't clean quite as much as when the whole family is here.
Having said that, if the bins are full, they are objectively full and I can't stand when people stuff things into an overflowing bin or leave empty food packages in the fridge and then claim they "didn't notice".
Sounds like you had conversations aplenty about that and not much has changed so if you think it is enough reason to leave your relationship (or if this is a straw that broke the camel's back) then it seems like a perfectly reasonable solution. Your husband is supposed to be your partner, not your child.

It most likely is my fault for letting it get to this. I should have written it out for him so he had no excuses. It just blows my mind that he'd need that to know what to do.
Feel like a massive mug.

I thought that. And if the condition is IBS then I sometimes can’t do anything if I’m having a flare up. Cramps and nausea - not great for doing the bins.

But he’s not doing anything when he is well or not.

Physically, he could have been back at work 2 weeks ago. He milks it.

Yanbu, urgh if he is the one messing up the toilets then at the very bare minimum he should be cleaning up. I would be so sick at the sight of someone who treated me like this. Sounds like this is who he is - takes advantage of his employer and his wife.

I’d say it’s ultimatum time. Tell he you don’t care if he thinks you are being a maniac over the bins or not. You are not his skivvy, and something needs to change. He can either buck up, start pulling his weight or it is over. If he tells you that he just doesn’t see it, tell him that’s his problem, and if he doesn’t want one last chance you’ll contact a solicitor tomorrow morning.

You are no one’s servant and deserve better.

I had years of this. I eventually went on strike. He soon found the way to the fridge, oven, bin, washing machine.

Once he was capable of doing all of the basics for himself I cleaned the house from top to bottom then hired a cleaner the next day.

Tough love but it worked.

Then this isn’t just about him not. Doing the housework. How does he get away with it at work?

Problem is when you break up with these men is that they become someone else’s problem. Sounds like you’ve found my ex OP. Sorry about that 💐💐💐

A lazy manchild.

Lazy adults rarely change their habits in my experience. Do you have children? Other ties [other than dogs] ?

lol. No. He’s an adult. He’s to blame, it’s such a turn off when men behave like this, ick.

As someone who doesn’t see the mess myself I am so much happier not in a relationship with someone who’s constantly tidying and guilting me or telling me I live in a pig sty.
I think people are different and some of us don’t belong together

You aren't overreacting. This isn't how someone who loves and respects you acts.

I'm filled with resentment. Feel used and taken advantage of, and it's got to the stage where I wonder if we should go our separate ways.

Say this, verbatim, to him.

Get him to eat your booty as penance! You will not be mad after that!

I'm having ongoing bowel issues at present. I clear up after myself, wash the floors and sofa and blankets and get the rubbish out.

He might have a more severe problem than me but he needs to do what he's able to and not lash back at you. Exhausting.