Is it over for husband and I, or do I need to get a grip?

[shonapop]

Husband has a lot of time of work 'sick' with regular flare-ups of a bowel condition. This latest absence, he has been off for 4 weeks, 2 more still to take off before his return. He is physically fine to do general housework. I work a very manual job and come back shattered to a filthy house, which I'm then expected to clean and then make dinner for him and the kids. I ask him to do chores while I'm out. Yesterday I asked him to hoover and deal with all the bins. This was too much info for him, and he forgot the bins. I lost my shit. He's making out I'm a maniac over forgetting to empty bins. This extended time off happens a few times each year. There is nothing physically stopping him lending a hand. I'm filled with resentment. Feel used and taken advantage of, and it's got to the stage where I wonder if we should go our separate ways. He says things like he can't see that the toilets need cleaned, he didnt notice the mud from the dogs splashed up the white kitchen units. I just can't get my head around this and feel he's taking the piss out of me. When I lose my shit he starts to say he'll change, make lists so he remembers, etc, but nothing ever changes. WTF do I do??

I’d make a list of jobs he need to be doing and say to him your not his mother or his housekeeper!

id make it clear if he didn’t stick to the list then the only way forward is divorce as your not putting up with his lazyness or his excuses of not doing the list.

Also he should be doing some cooking a few days a week, if he can’t cook cook then he learns even if it’s basic or frozen meals.

Literally in the op.

him being ill isn't an excuse for him also being a lazy manipulative so and so!

don't stay with him out of guilt. So he may be sick some of the time - doesn't mean he can't pull his weight or be helpful the rest of the time and genuinely respectful at all times.

Leave him!

You're not over reacting. Sounds exhausting for you.

Sounds infuriating. Why should you have to list the day to day chores any adult should notice like he’s a child? Not attractive at all.
Ive been with my husband for 14 years and I think he did this once or twice when we first started living together then never again when he experienced my reaction. Now he does more than me in terms of cooking and cleaning.
if you’ve had the discussion multiple times about the unfairness your DH is well aware and is making a clear choice to not pull his weight.

Can you afford a cleaner

Just because cleaning is not a strong point I don’t think it needs to be a deal breaker!

Give him a list? Depends how much you care about your marriage

does he have colitis?

We are not at home to Mr Chompy

Do these men realise how unattractive this lazy man child act is?

I absolutely could not live with a man that useless.

Bullshit. It’s nothing to do with how much OP cares about her marriage. It’s about how much HE cares about it. You don’t get to opt out of being an adult and treat someone like a domestic servant.

If he cares, he can google household chores find our vacuuming is recommended and give it a fucking try.

Give him a very detailed list. To his phone so he has a record.

I've been given the big 'I promise I'll change' speech. I've heard it so many times now. It's such a turn off. All these men moaning about lack of sex. This is a massive reason why.

If it was his job - ie he was a cleaner, he'd have no problem noticing dirt and grime. It's an excuse.

A proper list would really help - you'd still be doing emotional labour but at least you wouldn't be doing as much actual labour. That would deal with the forgetfulness.

Call his bluff: print out a list of daily and weekly chores and tell him to check off his chores (and you will check off yours).

When he is at work again his portion of the list might be shorter. But when he is home sick unless he is bedridden, his portion of the list is longer.

Tell him he has three months to prove he can be on top of his chores.

Well he might be lazy but having inflammatory bowel disease myself it's exhausting and vile. The house could fall down around me when it's bad. I get you say he's better but maybe not as well as you think? If that is his illness?

@SheepAndSword

Im sorry you're going through so much. Xx

He’s milking his employer and he’s milking you.

I have crohns disease, flare ups are awful and are debilitating. However I still do my share, with kid's lives don't stop. I rest when I can. When I'm ill the house isn't up to my usual standard, but I'm getting the main things done.

When with my now ex, he couldn't understand that I was ill. He thought it was an excuse. So when I was ill when I could rest, or if I was stuck on the toilet, he would down tools and do absolutely nothing. I would be entertaining both children, sometimes in the toilet, and doing everything that couldn't be missed.

I am so much happier now. Currently in a flare, doing it all on my own, at the moment have the kids 100% of the time, they're been ill too, and yet it is still easier than dealing with a man child!

Because this isn't actually about who is ill, it's about being a team. It's about picking up for your partner when they are struggling, it's about looking at your partner and seeing that they need a break, it's about having an equal partnership as much as possible when things are good. You don't seem to have that. I didn't. Much happier now.

When my DH had bowel cancer last year he still managed clean the loo and take the bins out. OP your lazy lump will never change, get rid of him.

So sorry to hear that. Glad you are happier now. I feel I have an extra child in him. He makes the most mess of them all. I always take good care of him when he is genuinely ill and in pain, but he is fine now. I would never expect him to lift a finger during a flare up.

It depends how ill he is.😗

Honestly if you like him and want to be with him and this is the main sticking point, this could easily be resolved by getting a cleaner!! It would probably be cheaper than a divorce. No, it won’t change his attitude, but it might just resolve the main issue enough to save your marriage.

But it sounds like you don’t really like him tbh, so, this aside, are you just looking for permission to leave? Because you can give yourself that right now. If you don’t feel like he respects you or has your back, it doesn’t sound like an equal team/partnership. It’s ok to leave if that’s how you feel.

The fact you have to ask him to do anything says it all. Manchild.

Leave the bastard

Yes, I think it's over.
I have a "bowel condition" and grab a scythe to cut the grass, otherwise it wouldn't get done.
Imagine a life without him and then slowly realise it.
🙂