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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Is it over for husband and I, or do I need to get a grip?

62 replies

shonapop · 09/04/2024 13:01

Husband has a lot of time of work 'sick' with regular flare-ups of a bowel condition. This latest absence, he has been off for 4 weeks, 2 more still to take off before his return. He is physically fine to do general housework. I work a very manual job and come back shattered to a filthy house, which I'm then expected to clean and then make dinner for him and the kids. I ask him to do chores while I'm out. Yesterday I asked him to hoover and deal with all the bins. This was too much info for him, and he forgot the bins. I lost my shit. He's making out I'm a maniac over forgetting to empty bins. This extended time off happens a few times each year. There is nothing physically stopping him lending a hand. I'm filled with resentment. Feel used and taken advantage of, and it's got to the stage where I wonder if we should go our separate ways. He says things like he can't see that the toilets need cleaned, he didnt notice the mud from the dogs splashed up the white kitchen units. I just can't get my head around this and feel he's taking the piss out of me. When I lose my shit he starts to say he'll change, make lists so he remembers, etc, but nothing ever changes. WTF do I do??

OP posts:
camomilly · 09/04/2024 19:27

It's about so much more than just the cleaning isn't it.

it's the disrespect, for himself and you. He sounds like he has lost self-respect if he is treating his job like this too - I take it he's not ambitious, or passionate about what he does?

He sounds like he's in a rut. (And is happy for you to pick up the slack with the domestic load.) I agree, it's not sexy at all...

Does he ever do thoughtful things for you?

If you went a way together for the weekend to a nice hotel, do you think he'd respond well to an honest chat about it all?

Would he agree to couples therapy?

NotGreatExpectations · 09/04/2024 19:33

TheShellBeach · 09/04/2024 13:10

But when he returns to work you'll be the default cleaner of everything again.

Why have you let this happen? I couldn't be with a man who didn't do half of the housework.

Why have YOU let this happen??!!

What an awful comment, why not- why is his behaviour so utterly shit?!

AnneLovesGilbert · 09/04/2024 19:33

Gemstar3 · 09/04/2024 18:10

Honestly if you like him and want to be with him and this is the main sticking point, this could easily be resolved by getting a cleaner!! It would probably be cheaper than a divorce. No, it won’t change his attitude, but it might just resolve the main issue enough to save your marriage.

But it sounds like you don’t really like him tbh, so, this aside, are you just looking for permission to leave? Because you can give yourself that right now. If you don’t feel like he respects you or has your back, it doesn’t sound like an equal team/partnership. It’s ok to leave if that’s how you feel.

Not speaking for the OP but I couldn’t disagree with this more. A marriage is supposed to be a partnership and this man is willing to buy his leisure with OP’s labour. A cleaner won’t stop his perspective that she’s worth no more than doing all the shit work while he’s too important and gets to forget the chores that ensure a house keeps ticking over. Do you think if he lived alone he’d forget to put the bins out?

Turnthelightoff · 09/04/2024 20:35

I’ve decided my way to sum up these feelings which I share with you is that you don’t want to live in something which feels untidy and the mess feels like chaos. You’d love to just know that some things were off your plate, but he needs to not just do them, do them to your standard. So the example of only emptying a bin when it’s overflowing isn’t acceptable it needs doing every 2 days because it might start to smell otherwise.

FawnFrenchieMum · 09/04/2024 21:03

Tricky one for me as an IBD / Crohn’s sufferer, after a flare up most people would think I’m ‘fine’ now but the exhaustion lasts weeks and weeks after. Doing normal tiny things totally take it out of me. I’m back at work this week after a few days off with a different illness followed by some holiday but it’s really hard. I’m managing work but totally out of ‘spoons’ by the time I get home to do anything else.

Evaka · 09/04/2024 21:17

OH and I are on the brink of splitting over similar issues. I would say one in three household chores I ask him to do get done at all. Similarly he says he can't see the coffee spills down white walls (how??), the banana skins and used teabags lying about, the beard hairs all over bath and sink after shaving. I've started having blinding rage over this stuff. We created a cleaning rota last month that helped a bit and it's pinned at the top of our WhatsApp chat so constantly there to remind. He was wfh yesterday and promised he'd take clothes out of the wash when it finished and hang them, including a shirt for work today and all my pants and socks for the week. Got home at 11 last night and all were festering in the fucking machine. Told him today I don't think I want to be with him anymore. I think I mean it. He's really upset, as am I, but it's just awful feeling so ignored/unheard. His memory for work/music/sport is basically photographic so i just don't buy that he forgets stuff. He just thinks it's beneath him.

Mummysnotgrumpy · 09/04/2024 21:35

Evaka · 09/04/2024 21:17

OH and I are on the brink of splitting over similar issues. I would say one in three household chores I ask him to do get done at all. Similarly he says he can't see the coffee spills down white walls (how??), the banana skins and used teabags lying about, the beard hairs all over bath and sink after shaving. I've started having blinding rage over this stuff. We created a cleaning rota last month that helped a bit and it's pinned at the top of our WhatsApp chat so constantly there to remind. He was wfh yesterday and promised he'd take clothes out of the wash when it finished and hang them, including a shirt for work today and all my pants and socks for the week. Got home at 11 last night and all were festering in the fucking machine. Told him today I don't think I want to be with him anymore. I think I mean it. He's really upset, as am I, but it's just awful feeling so ignored/unheard. His memory for work/music/sport is basically photographic so i just don't buy that he forgets stuff. He just thinks it's beneath him.

I hope you are ok. I feel this too. Its just so shit asking them to do basic things in the house that we share. Even more shit when they "forget". This is not equal. I have so much resentment for my husband, I regularly feel like I hate him. Tonight I heard him say he would clean the kitchen, I nearly fell off my chair. Somehow he managed to not empty dishwasher or bins, and just put the dirty dishes in the sink (presumably for me to sort later). I'm so pissed off and he constantly says I'm grumpy/moody, but can't understand why. Ugh

AFmammaG · 09/04/2024 21:46

Life’s too short to be feeling this way for years on end. How many chances to change are you going to give him before you realise he’s wasting both your time?

On the other side is freedom and boy does it feel good.

Evaka · 09/04/2024 21:48

Mummysnotgrumpy · 09/04/2024 21:35

I hope you are ok. I feel this too. Its just so shit asking them to do basic things in the house that we share. Even more shit when they "forget". This is not equal. I have so much resentment for my husband, I regularly feel like I hate him. Tonight I heard him say he would clean the kitchen, I nearly fell off my chair. Somehow he managed to not empty dishwasher or bins, and just put the dirty dishes in the sink (presumably for me to sort later). I'm so pissed off and he constantly says I'm grumpy/moody, but can't understand why. Ugh

Thanks, hope you're ok too. It's so, so unfair and frustrating x

LordSnot · 09/04/2024 21:51

Whether it's deserved or not you clearly don't like him or respect him so it's over.

Gingerbee · 09/04/2024 22:15

Having chronic illnesses and flares, I often let housework slide. After the pain and illness stages of a flare I have exhaustion and brain fog. It can last for weeks.
Luckily, I have an understanding, caring husband who picks up the slack. I still moan that he doesn't hoover properly!

SheepAndSword · 10/04/2024 08:53

YeahComeOnThen · 09/04/2024 16:55

@SheepAndSword

Im sorry you're going through so much. Xx

That's kind of you :)

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