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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To sack off nephew's 1st birthday

56 replies

Biggybigbiggles · 09/04/2024 12:28

My family live abroad, couple of hours on a plane. I've visited 4 times in the last year (I hate going due to a combo of bad memories there and not enjoying being around my sister since she became a mum) but try to make an effort.

I've booked with partner to go out for nephew's birthday, it's a small at home get together.

Due to partners work/cost of flights we arrive on the day of the party a few hours after it starts but are staying 3 subsequent days. I've just told my sister and she's got in a massive huff about us missing the party and why couldn't I have made the effort to go the previous day.

I'm now tempted to just not go altogether, we have not gotten on at all since her having a baby. I feel often like she talks to me like a bit of shit on her shoe and I'm essentially a glorified slave when I visit.

Any attempt from me to help with anything is met with 'Don't do that, you can only help if you do exactly what I say, why did you do it like that?' Etc.

It's not in my nature to be confrontational but I'm getting so fucking pissed off.

So...

YABU - suck it up and go to the party
YANBU - I wouldn't go either

OP posts:

IncognitoUsername · 09/04/2024 12:33

I’d have an urgent work event/medical appointment and not be able to go. Send a present and don’t worry about it. Four times a year to another country sounds mad to me - I don’t see my brother that much and he’s in the same country. And we get on.

LittleGreenDragons · 09/04/2024 12:37

I hate going due to a combo of bad memories there and not enjoying being around my sister since she became a mum.
Why go then? What or who is guilting you to do this, at financial cost, to go at all never mind four times a year. If it's to see your mum then maybe pay for her to visit you instead.

ZipZapZoom · 09/04/2024 12:37

If you don't want to go then cancel and don't go but to be honest if your visit was specifically planned for your nephews birthday party then it does seem daft to plan to arrive several hours after the party time so whilst you're not unreasonable to not go I can also see why it would annoy your sister.

CommentNow · 09/04/2024 12:39

Seems weird to go for the party and then miss the party.

How long is the party?

You arent unreasonable to simply have said you couldn't make the party but you will see them the next day but I think it's odd to turn up during a party.

Going or not going is fine, but to book a flight that will see you arrive late is a bit off IMO.

Aquamarine1029 · 09/04/2024 12:40

I would not spend that kind of money/any money to go to a kid's first birthday party unless it's my grandchild's, and I especially wouldn't go if your sister is such a bitch to you.

Crapuscular · 09/04/2024 12:43

Don't go.

Needanewname42 · 09/04/2024 12:43

I'd cancel the trip. It seems daft to arrive after the party a first birthday party is likely to only last 2/3 hours unless the parents are making a complete night of it.

DisforDarkChocolate · 09/04/2024 12:45

I can't imagine flying for any first birthday party, even if I was close to my sister.

TheShellBeach · 09/04/2024 12:48

I wouldn't go.

I also wouldn't visit someone in another country every three months, unless I really liked them, and could easily afford it.

You don't get on with your sister, the baby won't even notice his party, and you can save a fortune by not going.

I'm NC with both my sisters. Maybe you should consider doing the same.

toomuchfaff · 09/04/2024 12:57

The only reason you are contemplating going is for people pleasing reasons - you don't want to go, you're not looking forward to it, you wont benefit from it.

Don't go.

I'm unable to come beforehand, as you're annoyed i am arriving after the party - i will just cancel the trip, you're right - there's no use arriving afterward; hope you have a lovely party. (don't apologise, don't lie, don't make excuses, don't over share, don't say you'll see them next time, keep it truthful and succinct.)

strawberryjeans · 09/04/2024 12:59

Have you got my sister? YANBU

Hippomumma2 · 09/04/2024 13:00

He is too young to remember the party, sounds like a lot of fuss. I would avoid it, send a gift and card but make an excuse

WinterDeWinter · 09/04/2024 13:00

Op, why do you go so often when you don't like it? That's a LOT.

I think you would find the 'stately homes' threads useful.

Noyesnoyes · 09/04/2024 13:02

You've been four times a year to
Somewhere you don't like?

cheddercherry · 09/04/2024 13:02

You’re not unreasonable to not want to be spoken to like rubbish. It is odd that you’d be arriving after the party, so that doesn’t make sense - not that it gives your sister a right to be awful to you, but it’s a weird choice to have made.

Youre unreasonable for continuing as you are; you go out despite resenting it, despite knowing you’ll argue and that you won’t enjoy it and despite the fact you don’t get on. Why you’d continue to go out so frequently without changing anything and expecting different results is why it’s unreasonable. Either sort it out and tell your sister you won’t be spoken to like that when you visit, or don’t visit. You’re not helping your relationship by continuing the cycle.

FluffletheMeow · 09/04/2024 13:05

I don't think you need to travel internationally for a 1 year old's birthday party, but I do think arriving late is a bit off and that would annoy me too. Why can't you arrive on time? Is there a good reason? This party clearly is important for your sister.

Also what's all this 'since she became a mum' stuff? You mean she's stressed and short-tempered and wants things done a certain way? She thinks you don't get it? If so I'd bear with it. She should of course talk to you nicely, but sleep deprivation makes you cranky, and I would advise patience! The first year is hard, and things should improve.

Also, in the nicest way, I think you probably actually don't get it. It's hard to remember clearly if you're not in it, and impossible to understand if you've not lived it.

Roryhon · 09/04/2024 13:09

If you’re going for a party then I can see why she’s a bit upset, especially for a one year old’s party, which will only last a few hours and likely be over by the time you arrive.

But you don’t sound like you enjoy going and that you go very frequently, so I’d have not bothered at all in your shows. And if it’s likely that your sister will be sulky with you now I’d probably not go.

sleekcat · 09/04/2024 13:10

I probably would not have agreed to go in the first place considering the distance. It will just be family sitting around talking and your nephew will be too tired by the time you arrive to engage with you. Also, he is 1 and will not remember his party or mind if you are not there, it's for the adults really.

RazzberryGem · 09/04/2024 13:11

You're flying to another country for a birthday party you know you're missing anyway..? Bit weird. I'm not surprised your sister was like ... what the f?

You don't want to go, it's not convenient, don't go.

cellfish · 09/04/2024 14:43

Seems weird to go for the party and then miss the party. Yabu for that. I’d like to hear your sister’s side of it.

cellfish · 09/04/2024 14:47

Do you have children op? Because I think any parent would be very hurt by this tbf. Arriving just as the party is finishing. It’s like you are doing it on purpose, because you couldn’t be bothered to spend the extra money. Sometimes you need to make an effort even though you don’t really want to.

Either go to the party or don’t go at all, because you are just being rude and actually cruel as it is now.

bellezarara · 09/04/2024 14:48

I don’t understand why you can’t go and just avoid your sister?

Why do you have to be her glorified slave?

Who do you stay with? Could you stay in a hotel so you can be less at the mercy of others?

Pop in briefly for 20 minutes to coo over nephew if you have to and then leave.

Pootles34 · 09/04/2024 14:49

Nah don't go, she's being a knob and the kid's only 1 so he won't know. She might snap out of it - was she alright before?

bellezarara · 09/04/2024 14:50

cellfish · 09/04/2024 14:47

Either go to the party or don’t go at all, because you are just being rude and actually cruel as it is now.

The sister sounds pretty awful though.

OP is not obliged to time her trips around her sister.

cellfish · 09/04/2024 14:52

bellezarara · 09/04/2024 14:50

The sister sounds pretty awful though.

OP is not obliged to time her trips around her sister.

Show quote history

No of course not. But either go or don’t. This is just a pretty shitty thing to do.

And confront her awful behaviour when it happens like in Please don’t talk to me lile that, or whatever.

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