To sack off nephew's 1st birthday

[Biggybigbiggles]

My family live abroad, couple of hours on a plane. I've visited 4 times in the last year (I hate going due to a combo of bad memories there and not enjoying being around my sister since she became a mum) but try to make an effort.

I've booked with partner to go out for nephew's birthday, it's a small at home get together.

Due to partners work/cost of flights we arrive on the day of the party a few hours after it starts but are staying 3 subsequent days. I've just told my sister and she's got in a massive huff about us missing the party and why couldn't I have made the effort to go the previous day.

I'm now tempted to just not go altogether, we have not gotten on at all since her having a baby. I feel often like she talks to me like a bit of shit on her shoe and I'm essentially a glorified slave when I visit.

Any attempt from me to help with anything is met with 'Don't do that, you can only help if you do exactly what I say, why did you do it like that?' Etc.

It's not in my nature to be confrontational but I'm getting so fucking pissed off.

So...

YABU - suck it up and go to the party
YANBU - I wouldn't go either

I completely disagree with the "couldn't be bothered to spend the extra money" point.

We don't know how often DSis is travelling to see OP? It sounds as if OP has paid for 4 visits this year. I'd say that's a lot of effort and expense given the way DSis is treating OP.

Yes, but if it’s a birthday party for a child you don’t turn up just as it finishes.

Exactly. It just seems deliberate and very pointed to go but not arrive until after it's actually finished when the whole point of the trip from what the OP has said is to visit for the actual party.

Don't go, you will only regret it as soon as you walk through the door and within 5 seconds makes a rude comment about not being there from the start.
You will be damned it you do go and damned if you don't so do what makes you happy and stay at home snuggled with hubby xx

His actual birthday was a week ago which I was going to go for, but sister said they're going away so to come the weekend after. She then suggested doing a get together although never said a time.

I've sent presents and I have a savings fund for him that I contribute to every month (which she knows).

I go mostly out of guilt, my parents have no money to buy flights and my sister finds it a struggle to come (which is understandable). I went once when baby was born and then shortly after when sister was really struggling to help but it was a disaster.

We had a very close relationship before she had him, but I don't enjoy her company any more. She doesn't allow people to make any noise when baby is sleeping, snaps at us, any offer to help is met with "Only if you do exactly as I say" and I just find it all exhausting and irritating rightly or wrongly. I'm extremely close with my SILs who both have multiple kids and don't feel this way with them.

The last time she visited I spent 3 days cleaning up shitty nappies dumped around the house, driving 4 hours to get her phone fixed with not even a thanks, she refused to eat dinner with us and when she left said she was disappointed with my attitude with her...

I go mostly out of guilt

That's not a good reason to go, so don't. It doesn't sound like she really wants the help, either, so just let the visits fade into the background. Perhaps plan an annual meet-up somewhere instead, if you want to make sure you see her and your nephews.

On this specific occasion, it does seem a bit odd to book to go over for his 1st birthday party but arrive for three days afterwards. I've got a 2 year old and the vast majority of my friends found their child turning one quite upsetting and odd, even if they were happy. End of babyhood, perhaps? Even the ones with older children found it a bit weird, although they knew they'd be okay again! Add in parties, and it does lead to stress and anxiety. Perhaps she's now a bit put out that she'll be prepping for the party, hosting the party, keeping the one-year-old calm and happy (which it sounds like she's already a bit on the edge about, if she's very set in routine and silence-for-naps and things?) and now she'll have to deal with you arriving late too?

On it's own, it seems like an odd move to miss the thing you're going over for.

But in the grand scheme of things, I think you're flogging a dead horse. Nobody seems happy for this visiting obligation to continue. Stop punishing yourself.

Sounds like you need some space from her, I think it's fine not to go.

However, you do sound a little unreasonable to complain that you can't make noise when the baby is sleeping (wtf?!) and to be bitter that you can't help with the baby in a way she doesn't like. Is she younger than you? You should be respectful of her parenting.

When I say noise I mean literally existing... e.g. we were sitting outside in the garden, baby was asleep inside and she kept shushing us into a whisper.

Don't go

I go mostly out of guilt, my parents have no money to buy flights
I stand by my earlier comment then. Instead of going 4 times a year and hating it, pay for your parents to visit you once or twice a year instead. Unless it's them you hate, in which case stop going over and just zoom/WhatsApp once a month for half an hour.

She has PFB syndrome, it will all change when she has her second, she sounds very uptight.

Truthfully I wouldn't be saving for anyone else's child, you do not know what the future will bring for YOU.

You may or may not have children.
You may have something happen to you and you need the money you have saved.

I agree. I wouldn’t be saving for her child given her attitude.

Sounds like that money can be better spent.

Yes, this is crazy but she will likely look back on it and wonder what the hell she was thinking. 😩😂

So, if you were really close before then perservere. There is a time in life for everything, and sisters don’t grow on trees. But do tell her to shut up when she bosses you around..

It sounds like she is really struggling tbh, is she ok?

Tell her to get fucked. Ungrateful bitch. Hes 1, hes not going to care who's there or even know.

Tbh if you were really close I'd be more worried about what's going on with her. I was a bit like this and was drowning with pnd.

She struggled massively in the first 6 months and we spent a lot of time speaking and trying to support. Once he started sleeping more she said often it's the happiest she's ever been, and loves being a mum. I don't doubt it, she is thriving as a parent and has a great partner, and gets almost daily help from my parents.

I know her well enough to know she's not depressed at the mo.

Yabu. You are making the effort to go but missing the event you are going for? Thats super weird

Either go for the party or don't go at all. You dont seem to like her so why are you going anyway?

Stop saving for her child. For a start you will feel obliged to do it for any subsequent children- and what if you have children?

I say this as someone who saved a shedload for a godchild- circa £20k.

There have since been 3 other godchildren (all the same cousin's children) and I have 2 children myself one of whom will never be able to live independently due to significant SEN. Honestly- I regret that I made a loving decision that I cannot replicate for subsequent godchildren and when I have children of my own who need every bit of support I can possible give.

If you were close before why can't you at least think that it's the pregnancy that's affected her??
She's clearly having some pnd and I was very similar. I was a ball of anxiety. My dc had severe colic and reflux and cried ALOT. I became obsessed with not making a sound. I would go ballistic if anyone dared visit or make a sound if they were there. I once sat and watched my ds nap for 2 hours. Like sat there staring at him for 2 hours. It really sounds like your sister isn't ok. So what if your SIL were all fine and dandy with multiple kids? What does that have to do with someone else possibly having PND?

Agree with this.

I can actually kind of understand her annoyance. I'd be pretty irritated if BIL/SIL came to ours on our dc's birthday, but arrived after the party and then stayed for several days. You're missing the whole reason for going (the party!), but then coming and I presume expecting to spend time with them (stay with them?) at a really busy time when they are probably juggling quite a lot.

Honestly, we get this with our dc - family wanting to come and visit us for dc's birthdays (we have two in the same week) and honestly, it's hard work hosting/entertaining family amidst all the juggling of birthday stuff. I'd be even more annoyed if they didn't actually turn up for the party. Why not just go another (less stressful!) time?

If you read the thread, you’ll see the sister didn’t even give OP a time for the party.

Can’t you just not give the £20k to the gc?

Sounds like this cousin sees you as a cash cow!

We're not staying with them, we're staying in an AirBNB.

As I said up thread, I don't go because I enjoy it, I go because it's nice to see my parents and nephew. It is by no means a holiday...