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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Should DDs boyfriend be allowed to stay in the holiday home

62 replies

CamiLous · 08/04/2024 20:46

When DHs parents passed away a few years ago he and his brother decided to go 50/50 on a holiday home near Nice. It's near a village, quiet, close enough to Nice for day trips. It has 6 bedrooms. So DH and I have one, his brother and his wife, then the 4 kids (our 2 and our two nephews). It's not fancy but we love it, a great use of his parents money as his mother was French and hated how disconnected her sons had become!
DD (24) makes more use than anyone else. She WFH Monday and Friday, likes to ski etc. So while in summer it's in almost constant use, DD uses it as a base to go skiing in the winter (flies out Thursday after work, works Friday, dinner out, skis Saturday, home Sunday or Monday). She's been with her boyfriend for almost a year and he's been going with her most of the winter. The deal we have is DH and his brother cover upkeep and bills but when you leave you have to book the cleaner (local) and pay for that, so it's clean for the next people. DD always does it.
Over the last couple of weeks we have all made our first trips of the year, DH and I will go 3 or 4 more times, his brother similar. The kids just go when they want. We do let friends use it but no one planned until a week in July. It's in perfect condition so no concerns. It's rural we keep a small car (DD uses it for skiing) and a scooter in the garage.

DDs boyfriend is due to sit an important exam for work in May, he has 3 weeks study leave, lives in a house share. DD has offered him her flat on the days she works from the office but it is in a busy part of London so not ideal. DD asked if we would let her boyfriend fly out and spend the 3 weeks there, she'd go out Thursday night - Sunday/Monday each week, but no one has any plans to go and even if they did there would be plenty of space. She thinks being somewhere isolated would be better for his studying. He has ADHD easily distracted etc.

DHs brother is fine with this, he said he may be out with his wife for a week of it but will be quiet and considerate etc.
DH however is unsure, he thinks it's a really bad idea. We'd need to get some things in order like insurance. But he knows the house well, knows the area better now and I'm keen to help.
DH thinks we don't know him well enough and what If he trashes it.
Frankly we don't his brothers friends but he doesn't object to them staying so it seems odd!

AIBU thinking we should let him go out and study, this may be the man DD marries and showing him some kindness may work in our favour!

OP posts:
craigth162 · 08/04/2024 20:49

Sounds like a good plan to me.

BlondeFool · 08/04/2024 20:49

Sounds fine to me. Lucky DD. I want her life 😂❤️

Aquamarine1029 · 08/04/2024 20:49

DH thinks we don't know him well enough and what If he trashes it.

Is he always this paranoid?

DistinguishedSocialCommentator · 08/04/2024 20:51

DH has a point and you cant gurantee it wont happen. However, no one can guarantee that about any person that is/will be staying there

ButterCrackers · 08/04/2024 20:52

He’d be studying and your dd would be there at set times which sounds good. Are there any jobs he could help out with when he has a break from studying - gardening work, diy, batch cooking for the freezer etc?

PeopleAreWeird · 08/04/2024 20:53

You say you would have to sort out insurance

Surely you have all that already?

CamiLous · 08/04/2024 20:53

ButterCrackers · 08/04/2024 20:52

He’d be studying and your dd would be there at set times which sounds good. Are there any jobs he could help out with when he has a break from studying - gardening work, diy, batch cooking for the freezer etc?

I'm sure we could put him to work some how!!

OP posts:
AffableApple · 08/04/2024 20:53

I am very jealous of your DD! But does she know your DH thinks so little of her partner? He must really, really dislike him to think he could trash your family's holiday home.

CamiLous · 08/04/2024 20:54

PeopleAreWeird · 08/04/2024 20:53

You say you would have to sort out insurance

Surely you have all that already?

I meant for the car sorry!

OP posts:
CurlewKate · 08/04/2024 20:55

Why does he think his DD's long term boyfriend will "trash" the place? How very strange.

Createausername1970 · 08/04/2024 20:56

Your DD sounds a sensible girl from what you have said. And it would be unlikely she would make this offer if she thought he might trash the place.

Does she know your DH is worried? Perhaps she could have a chat with DH and reassure him.

LawrieForShepherdsBoy · 08/04/2024 20:57

I think the more it’s occupied, the better. Also, it’s great to share the knowledge of the house between between people.

Personally, I wouldn’t expect him to earn his keep in any way. I’d trust that the favour came back round in time.

CurlewKate · 08/04/2024 20:57

If I was your dd I would be soooo upset about this.

Insurance? A couple of clicks, surely?

CamiLous · 08/04/2024 20:57

CurlewKate · 08/04/2024 20:55

Why does he think his DD's long term boyfriend will "trash" the place? How very strange.

I don't think he likes him very much but I can't think why!

OP posts:
justasmalltownmum · 08/04/2024 20:58

I think your dh is using the trash excuse as an excuse as he just doesn't want him to stay there.

MiltonNorthern · 08/04/2024 20:59

It's a no brainer to me. Why does he think he would trash the place?

Bumblebeeinatree · 08/04/2024 21:00

How long has the bf been the bf? Is he reliable? It sounds OK but a big 'gift' if he's not well known to you and not a long term bf. Very nice to offer. I think I could study better in a garret than a holiday home near Nice.

Riverlee · 08/04/2024 21:00

They’ve been dating nearly a year, so
i I would.

BreakfastAtMimis · 08/04/2024 21:02

Nah. He can study in a library at home.
If you set a precedent with this, you could have years of all the other kids' partners wanting a free holiday as and when.

Aquamarine1029 · 08/04/2024 21:03

CamiLous · 08/04/2024 20:57

I don't think he likes him very much but I can't think why!

So ask him.

trippily · 08/04/2024 21:05

Your husband will alienate your daughter if he carries on this way

CamiLous · 08/04/2024 21:06

BreakfastAtMimis · 08/04/2024 21:02

Nah. He can study in a library at home.
If you set a precedent with this, you could have years of all the other kids' partners wanting a free holiday as and when.

I'd assume normally they'd want to holiday with their partner ... in which case that is already allowed!

OP posts:
Starseeking · 08/04/2024 21:13

Your DD is 24, not 12, so your DG is behaving very strangely about this. I'd ask him outright what his issue is with this potential arrangement as trashing the place sounds like an excuse (does he find it distasteful that they'll have sex in the place?!? Is he a misogynist who would be happy your DS with a girlfriend going but not DD with a boyfriend?!?)

Starseeking · 08/04/2024 21:13

*your DH, not DG!

hjrl · 08/04/2024 21:13

Absolutely yes. Wouldn't even enter my mind as a question within my own nuclear family, DB is happy so that would be it.

Strange response from DH when boyfriend is someone who goes all the time anyway