Should DDs boyfriend be allowed to stay in the holiday home

[CamiLous]

When DHs parents passed away a few years ago he and his brother decided to go 50/50 on a holiday home near Nice. It's near a village, quiet, close enough to Nice for day trips. It has 6 bedrooms. So DH and I have one, his brother and his wife, then the 4 kids (our 2 and our two nephews). It's not fancy but we love it, a great use of his parents money as his mother was French and hated how disconnected her sons had become!
DD (24) makes more use than anyone else. She WFH Monday and Friday, likes to ski etc. So while in summer it's in almost constant use, DD uses it as a base to go skiing in the winter (flies out Thursday after work, works Friday, dinner out, skis Saturday, home Sunday or Monday). She's been with her boyfriend for almost a year and he's been going with her most of the winter. The deal we have is DH and his brother cover upkeep and bills but when you leave you have to book the cleaner (local) and pay for that, so it's clean for the next people. DD always does it.
Over the last couple of weeks we have all made our first trips of the year, DH and I will go 3 or 4 more times, his brother similar. The kids just go when they want. We do let friends use it but no one planned until a week in July. It's in perfect condition so no concerns. It's rural we keep a small car (DD uses it for skiing) and a scooter in the garage.

DDs boyfriend is due to sit an important exam for work in May, he has 3 weeks study leave, lives in a house share. DD has offered him her flat on the days she works from the office but it is in a busy part of London so not ideal. DD asked if we would let her boyfriend fly out and spend the 3 weeks there, she'd go out Thursday night - Sunday/Monday each week, but no one has any plans to go and even if they did there would be plenty of space. She thinks being somewhere isolated would be better for his studying. He has ADHD easily distracted etc.

DHs brother is fine with this, he said he may be out with his wife for a week of it but will be quiet and considerate etc.
DH however is unsure, he thinks it's a really bad idea. We'd need to get some things in order like insurance. But he knows the house well, knows the area better now and I'm keen to help.
DH thinks we don't know him well enough and what If he trashes it.
Frankly we don't his brothers friends but he doesn't object to them staying so it seems odd!

AIBU thinking we should let him go out and study, this may be the man DD marries and showing him some kindness may work in our favour!

I'm not sure it's the sex thing, DD and her BF have been out together already to go skiing all winter. I bet he's spent more nights there when added than DS or the nephews!

You really need to find out why he doesn't trust the boy. Having said that the boy is being offered a flat to use anyway so if your husband doesn't want him in his house then that's fine, it's his house!

However the relationship between him and the boy will probably be damaged.

And when I say boy, anyone under 30 as a boy!

This!

I don't get Mumsnet sometimes - or at all perhaps.

I'd be twitchy about lending a holiday home out to someone who wasn't my own good friend. There's a lot can go wrong.

@Crowgirl

But we allow his brothers friends to stay and don't know half of them from Adam!

At least we've met DDs boyfriend (lovely, well mannered, funny) and DD is just as trustworthy as his brother in vouching for someone's trust worthiness no?

In principle it’s fine but I’d worry about setting a precedent- suddenly DH’s brothers kids friends want to use it sole use same thing right? If the current deal is that it’s immediate family plus guests only then it is a departure and one you need to all be comfortable with.

Also the study thing is slightly bollocks. People living in central London have revised for law and accountancy and CFA exams forever. I’m living proof.

Oh no I don't doubt you can study for CFA in London. It's a matter of wanting to create the best conditions possible for him (if we can why not?) he's nervous, struggles to focus at home (3 house mates with various shifts and constant noise). Sure he can use libraries or DDs flats but we can also do one better - so why not?!

Fair enough but balance that against setting a precedent you may not want to- although your previous post mentions fmyour BIL’s friends so maybe that’s not an issue.

We allow close friends to stay already.

Is there such a thing as squatters rights in France?

Just asking - sometimes we ignore gut feelings at our peril.

Can you explain the relevance?

OP if I understand correctly his brother owns half the house - what gives you the right to object to his friends? Saying you won't allow them is saying you don't trust his judgement, to allow his friends, into his house.

Your daughter doesn't own the house so her judgement isn't relevant here.

Personally I wouldn't allow it no matter how nice the boyfriend is. It's too long for him to be there on his own, they've only been dating a year, and it sets an uncomfortable precedent. What if your kids friends/partners etc all start asking to use it on their own?

Anyway I don't think this is a hill to die on, if your DH is against it. After all, it's just a 'nice thing' to do. Unlike, say allowing BF to be there with your daughter.

BTW the BF is lucky to be in London which has so many beautiful, quiet free study spots. I have ADHD too, went to uni and did professional exams it was so nice studying in old libraries.

This really isn't necessary in the slightest.

I agree with saltinecrackers, DH’s brother is part owner & therefore can (with DH agreement) have his friends there. It’s not the same as DD having her friend there as she isn’t part owner.

But his brother has approved? So what gives DH the right to "disapprove" someone his brother has approved?

That's sort of the issue, it's a personal issue with DH.

Within reason the house is available for anyone we trust to use anytime. We'd say no to other friends who at least one of the immediate family members doesn't know and trust but people we know and trust like friends and partners should be fine based on the rules we initially made.

I think DH doesn't like the lad, honestly the reasons are snobby, DD is a year or so younger and making 20k more than he is in the same office (but did no masters so basically the same graduating year and is in a totally different role). His family are a bit messy which DH judges harshly too. I think he basically believes DD can do better from the 10 minute conversation we've just had. I think this is DHs way of trying to push him out!

Oh for goodness sake. This place is insane.

your DH is nuts. The chance of his daughters long term adult boyfriend “ trashing the place” is just about zero.

it would be a nice thing to do to offer him somewhere quiet to study and he is someone your daughter loves presumably. Whether or not she marries him is neither here nor there. She might. She might not.

What does he want to do? Present a united front saying no?

Id just say I'm fine with it, BIL is fine with it, if you have a problem you need to speak to DD yourself.

Suspect he will back off if he cant hide behind another adult!

It's obviously bollocks and BIL will be there at points as well so he's hardly going to have long to be feral

Yes this exactly, he doesn't believe in us ever showing any disagreement to any of the kids.

I think you're taking the 'approval' process too literally. This isn't some government document that needs sign-off from an approved senior person, either your DH or his brother.
Rather, they each inform the other as a courtesy. No matter what you think of your BILs friends as part-owner he'd also be stung if he invites someone who trashes the places or whatever, so it makes sense for you to trust his judgement.

In this case, BIL hasn't 'approved DD's boyfriend'. He just says it's OK to stay, as he would any other guests of your DH whether he knows them personally or not. Because it's your DH's judgement of the situation he trusts. Not his own! Why would he object unless he knew something negative about the potential guest?

But your DH doesn't want him there so it makes no sense to say that 'BIL approved so it's OK'.

Maybe you're right. DH doesn't like the guy for other reasons. But me personally, I don't trust easily and this isn't a situation I'd allow. No matter how sensible your daughter is, she's still a young woman, they've only been dating a year and don't live together. I wouldn't go solely by her judgement of him.

Again, not a hill I would die on. If you wish to do so, because you think your DH is unfairly judgemental of this young man, fair enough.

My DH's parents were well off.

Had they seen my family situation with their own eyes they'd have had me penned as the 'could do better'. I was working in a chippy and DH had just joined the police.

As it turns out they welcomed me with open arms and never once judged me. 25 years later and I out-earn DH.

From what you have said, there is no reason for the BF to not stay. And if his disdain for the BF is showing, your DD will see it clearly.

Also @CamiLous as a person with ADHD myself, going 'feral' wouldn't be my main worry. It would be doing something completely stupid. Like leaving a tap running that floods the place, or key in the lock/door unlocked leading to it just swinging open.
All of which I have done! Especially when I was hyper focused, studying (as he no doubt will be). I am in a dreamworld. I'm lucky to have escaped unscathed or had people to clean up after me but you really don't know how careful he will be alone! It doesn't take very long for a small thing to turn into a disaster.

Maybe that's why I don't trust others, I don't trust myself either lol I have lost countless keys, purses, wallets etc and done even more stupid things.

So many mean spirited people on Mumsnet. Awful.

@BreakfastAtMimis

so what?

it's a family holiday home, if no one's using it, it's daft to have it empty gathering dust. The 'kids' & their partners should be enjoying it.

as long as they leave it tidy & sort the cleaner out!

@CamiLous

well he doesn't have to, he can agree with you!

Do you usually let him decide things & just go along with it?

I was thinking this too. Years ago we let DD's bf borrow our caravan for a week with his brother. He left it clean and tidy. He's our SiL now.

Is your DH willing to tell your DD himself that he doesn't want her BF using the house? Is he jealous of their relationship? It seems he's willing to risk alienating her for no good reason.

He's going out there to study for 3 weeks, why on earth would your DH think he could 'trash the place'? Your DD will be going out on weekends so it seems unlikely that he'd be doing any damage and presumably they'd pay for and arrange the cleaner when they leave? I think your DH is being unreasonable - does he not like the boyfriend?