Should DDs boyfriend be allowed to stay in the holiday home

[CamiLous]

When DHs parents passed away a few years ago he and his brother decided to go 50/50 on a holiday home near Nice. It's near a village, quiet, close enough to Nice for day trips. It has 6 bedrooms. So DH and I have one, his brother and his wife, then the 4 kids (our 2 and our two nephews). It's not fancy but we love it, a great use of his parents money as his mother was French and hated how disconnected her sons had become!
DD (24) makes more use than anyone else. She WFH Monday and Friday, likes to ski etc. So while in summer it's in almost constant use, DD uses it as a base to go skiing in the winter (flies out Thursday after work, works Friday, dinner out, skis Saturday, home Sunday or Monday). She's been with her boyfriend for almost a year and he's been going with her most of the winter. The deal we have is DH and his brother cover upkeep and bills but when you leave you have to book the cleaner (local) and pay for that, so it's clean for the next people. DD always does it.
Over the last couple of weeks we have all made our first trips of the year, DH and I will go 3 or 4 more times, his brother similar. The kids just go when they want. We do let friends use it but no one planned until a week in July. It's in perfect condition so no concerns. It's rural we keep a small car (DD uses it for skiing) and a scooter in the garage.

DDs boyfriend is due to sit an important exam for work in May, he has 3 weeks study leave, lives in a house share. DD has offered him her flat on the days she works from the office but it is in a busy part of London so not ideal. DD asked if we would let her boyfriend fly out and spend the 3 weeks there, she'd go out Thursday night - Sunday/Monday each week, but no one has any plans to go and even if they did there would be plenty of space. She thinks being somewhere isolated would be better for his studying. He has ADHD easily distracted etc.

DHs brother is fine with this, he said he may be out with his wife for a week of it but will be quiet and considerate etc.
DH however is unsure, he thinks it's a really bad idea. We'd need to get some things in order like insurance. But he knows the house well, knows the area better now and I'm keen to help.
DH thinks we don't know him well enough and what If he trashes it.
Frankly we don't his brothers friends but he doesn't object to them staying so it seems odd!

AIBU thinking we should let him go out and study, this may be the man DD marries and showing him some kindness may work in our favour!

It sounds a bit unnecessary and I probably wouldn't be keen either.

Why are his own parents not helping him?

I am probably with your dh that I wouldn't be keen for all sorts of reasons and setting precedents would be one of them. Your ds or nephew could then say that he wants a friend who is homeless to stay for a month and it becomes unfair to say no to that situation.

Friends of the owner is one thing but friends of owners children another. Especially in the teenage and early adult years where they can be unpredictable.

I wouldn't.

French squatter's right?

Les gens qui se squat?

Quelle horreur

It seems an unnecessary responsibility to put on someone who already has ADHD, because looking after someone else’s property is stressful, remembering to keep it secure, making sure you keep it reasonably clean, not breaking or damaging stuff etc. I also think if you are studying you have enough to think about without without the additional stress of carting all your revision materials to another place. He would be better off using your dds flat which will be familiar territory, with access to libraries etc if he needs them.

Your DH’s objection seems to be quite prejudiced in some way and it might be worth getting to the bottom of that for DD’s sake if this boyfriend is serious enough you think they may get married one day.

I do think there are a couple of things that may make this different from your BiL’s friends -

1. Your DD is much, much younger than your BiL with much less life experience and also, at 24, still on the young side with many of her friends probably also on just the young side. We know brain development is still skewed toward impetuousness until 25+. So, no, her approval of a friend to stay may not be quite the same as BiL’s approval. Though, obviously, I don’t know your DD at all, this is just going on her age.
2. Three weeks is a long time. You don’t have anyone going out at the moment, but it puts a dampener on anyone’s last minute desire to go and not for just one weekend or anything. It wouldn’t be unreasonable not to want that sort of precedent to be set by a friend of the family.

I don’t think either of those two points mean you or DH or BiL should necessarily be against the BF going, I don’t think they’d put me off in the circumstances. I’m just pointing out that they aren’t unreasonable concerns. Your DH, though, appears to have unspecified concerns and that seems like a recipe for hurting his relationship with his DD.

IMO the DH concerns in general and his attitude towards the BF are related, but separate issues. The OP is trying to compensate for the latter by 'showing him kindness'.
Also, OP believes that DH is trying to 'push him out' based on a 10 minute conversation, which I find quite dramatic. He's allowed to dislike his daughter's boyfriend for 'shallow' reasons as long as he keeps his mouth shut. We don't know what exactly was said. Maybe OP is right. Maybe not.

IMO OP's making such a monumental fuss over a 20 something's boyfriend of a year that she doesn't live with. Of course she could marry him (I married mid-twenties myself) but it's hardly guaranteed. It also doesn't give him a more 'trustworthy' status as opposed to, say one of the DC friends, which @mrsplum2015 alluded to.

I'd have more support for OP if they were long-term partners, living together. That would be churlish to deny. But not this.

Also @viques good point. I'm also polite and charming but that doesn't mean I can keep a place in great condition. Quite the opposite actually. Easy to mask among other people, or on a family holiday but I doubt I could keep it up for 3 weeks.

If the boyfriend has any self-awareness he'd probably decline the offer and study in a library anyway!

Also, OP believes that DH is trying to 'push him out' based on a 10 minute conversation, which I find quite dramatic

Not nearly as dramatic as her husband thinking he'll trash the place or the fear of "precedent" (based on no details at all) all over this thread or the poster who asked about squatters rights.

What details do you need regarding precedent? Obviously if they let the DD's boyfriend stay alone, it will be difficult to say no to any of her other friends. Or any of their other children's friends/significant others. It's hardly a stretching of logical thinking.

I agree that 'trashing' is dramatic (and squatters!). It implies that he's going to be having wild parties, or I don't know, orgies, which is impossible when he doesn't even know anybody else there.

However, it doesn't mean that he'll take good care of the place. And as I said upthread, a small mistake can easily lead to costly damages.

Good manners and charm in public has no bearing on how meticulous someone is in their everyday life when left to their own devices.

Obviously if they let the DD's boyfriend stay alone, it will be difficult to say no to any of her other friends. Or any of their other children's friends/boyfriends. It's hardly a stretching of logical thinking.

Firstly there's no evidence that any of these "other friends/boyfriends" have shown any interest in going to their friend's parents' holiday home by themselves. Secondly it's not difficult to say no, because "DD's boyfriend needs a quiet place to be alone to study" is a fairly unique scenario that I imagine won't be replicated. Thirdly they let their own friends use it so if DD's friends are trustworthy, it's not exactly a disaster scenario if they also request to use it.

And as I said upthread, a small mistake can easily lead to costly damages.

When you put it like that why do we ever let friends into any of our houses.

I must say I am assuming that dd is the oldest of the 'children' and first to come across any such scenario.

Personally I would morally struggle to say yes to someone who needs somewhere quiet to study (when it's really a preference as previous posters have suggested) and at a later date say no to someone else who really needs a place to stay for a fixed period for whatever reason including family breakdown.

She's actually the youngest, the boys just don't care as much.

Well maybe it isn't a precedent then. If the rest are all boys likely they won't be particularly interested in the house as will follow where their girlfriends / wives go longer term. I know I would have always steered holidays with my family rather than dhs as it felt more familiar and he was always happy to oblige.