Should I have been a bridesmaid?

Sunshinekid90 · 2024-04-07T21:30:02+00:00

Hello, looking for some perspectives on this situation… My closest friend recently got engaged. We have been friends for over 10 years, she was my bridesmaid, she is my daughter’s godmother, we have been there for each other over the years and I (naively) thought I would be her bridesmaid and share in her happiness, now she is getting married. I accept we haven’t seen as much of each other over the past year but I have 2 children, I’ve done a masters, she has a business, moved house etc and we haven’t had any fall out or anything so I just thought we were both busy and haven’t thought anything was wrong. My feelings towards her haven’t changed in the slightest! She has chosen her bridesmaids, one of which is a friend that didn’t have her as her bridesmaid and who wasn’t as close as we were and it’s like we are just pretending there isn’t an elephant in the room. I’m delighted for my friend and she has so many amazing qualities and has been there for me over the years and I don’t want to lose her as a friend. Am I being unreasonable to feel hurt about this? I couldn’t have imagined not having my friend with me on my wedding day or as part of my children’s lives. She was like family and she would have to have done something pretty bad for me to cut her out of a special occasion. I feel so hurt that she doesn’t want me supporting her on her big day. I don’t want to create drama relating to something that is all about her but I want to know what’s changed and what I might have done to make her not want to involve me. thank you for reading!

elizabethdraper · 07/04/2024 22:32

Yes you are unreasonable

It's Up to the bride to decide

I am not sure why you need to be a bridesmaid to share her happiness.

Very strange as to why do don't consider her family anymore

Runnerinthenight · 07/04/2024 22:32

One of my closest friends did the same to me. As it turned out, for various reasons, I wasn't able to go to the wedding but I absolutely would have pushed the boat out if I had been asked to be bridesmaid. That's around 30 years ago and I've just put it behind me.

It is what it is.

OrigamiOwls · 07/04/2024 22:33

Maybe they have become a lot closer in your absence?

Runnerinthenight · 07/04/2024 22:33

elizabethdraper · 07/04/2024 22:32

Yes you are unreasonable

It's Up to the bride to decide

I am not sure why you need to be a bridesmaid to share her happiness.

Very strange as to why do don't consider her family anymore

Edited

I don't think it's unreasonable at all. I understand that the OP is hurt. I was. Another of my friend's hen party was in tears at the event as she wasn't even invited to the wedding! All very strange.

Ponderingwindow · 07/04/2024 22:36

Many brides expect bridesmaids to do far more than just assist on the wedding day. There are countless demands in the year preceding the wedding. If you and the bride rarely manage to see one another, she may just be realistic that a high demand bridesmaid role would not fit into your life.

hangingonfordearlife1 · 07/04/2024 22:36

if you are that close just ask her. i wouldn't let it fester it will ruin your relationship

MolkosTeenageAngst · 07/04/2024 22:36

As long as you’re invited to the wedding I don’t think it’s a big deal, you’ll still get to be part of the day and be with her. Just because she was your bridesmaid doesn’t mean you have to be hers, she’s free to make her own choices and I’m sure she has her reasons, you shouldn’t have made any assumptions really.

TheSnowyOwl · 07/04/2024 22:37

If you reread your post it’s all about how you feel but doesn’t ever objectively step back and look at how your friend feels. Her actions strongly suggest that she doesn’t think of you in the same way. I’m sure she considers you a friend, but it doesn’t sound as if she has the same strength of feeling towards you (and I suspect you won’t be a godmother to her child, at least not her eldest, either).

Timeforanotheraliasnow · 07/04/2024 22:38

Maybe she thinks you'll need to prioritise your children and so would be more comfortable as a guest? It's her day & her choice. Relax.

evertheblue · 07/04/2024 22:38

She may be close to you, but she is close to tother people as well - don't make this about you - just be happy for her

MyOtherCarisAVauxhallZafira · 07/04/2024 22:39

At this stage in life I see any wedding without a dress I haven't chosen as a bonus, when my best friend said to me I've decided to just have my sisters as bridesmaids I did a little internal whoop, until she said and I'd love for you to be my matron of honour. Of course I was thrilled to be with her on the day but we were in hair and make up at 7am! DS and DH stayed in bed, had a leisurely breakfast and even though they were in the wedding party didn't need to be with the groom until 10:45, five minutes to pop on a suit.
I love her dearly and I'd do it again but I wouldn't be upset not to at this stage of my life. I love a wedding but happy to not be in the wedding party missing the canapes, bands, lawn games etc while having photos taken.

TunaCrunchy · 07/04/2024 22:39

She is close to you but you aren’t in her top few friends list, that’s ok.

Original poster

Sunshinekid90 · 07/04/2024 22:40

elizabethdraper · 07/04/2024 22:32

Yes you are unreasonable

It's Up to the bride to decide

I am not sure why you need to be a bridesmaid to share her happiness.

Very strange as to why do don't consider her family anymore

Edited

Sorry I should clarify.…my feelings towards her haven’t changed, I love her to bits. I know it’s up to the bride who they choose and I respect her decisions, it’s more what it symbolises about our friendship. I don’t want to lose her as a friend and wondering whether I should ask if something has changed or if I have done something wrong. The fact she didn’t ask me to be a bridesmaid has brought an issue to light that I didn’t realise existed

OP posts:

Coastalpath · 07/04/2024 22:41

I don't think you're unreasonable to feel hurt at all, I certainly would. However, I probably wouldn't say anything to bride to be as there is unlikely to be an answer or outcome that will make you feel better (most likely you haven't done anything - she just feels you've drifted or that you're too busy perhaps or maybe she just has traditional views about bridesmaids being unmarried) and every possibility that she will be offended by you questioning her decision and it will affect the day for both of you and also possibly your friendship as a whole. Even if she did deem it an oversight and ask you to be her bridesmaid now, I don't think it would make you feel any better. I'd wallow in your feelings for a bit and then put on a positive face for the bride, be enthusiastic about her wedding and ask if there is anything you can do to help. I wouldn't find it easy though! I'd also put energy into finding / maintaining other friendships and perhaps stepping back a bit from this one if you are finding it unequal...

Original poster

Sunshinekid90 · 07/04/2024 22:42

TheSnowyOwl · 07/04/2024 22:37

If you reread your post it’s all about how you feel but doesn’t ever objectively step back and look at how your friend feels. Her actions strongly suggest that she doesn’t think of you in the same way. I’m sure she considers you a friend, but it doesn’t sound as if she has the same strength of feeling towards you (and I suspect you won’t be a godmother to her child, at least not her eldest, either).

Thanks for this opinion, I see your point

OP posts:

Scarramoosh · 07/04/2024 22:48

She might be your best friend, but maybe you aren't her best friend?

Maybe she has formed closer friendships since you and her drifted?

Maybe she can't afford to have several bridesmaids so has had to take it down to those who she feels closest to at this very point in her life?

You'll only know by asking I suppose. But in asking, it may cause a row that causes the drift to become a permanent rift. Only you will know how open and honest you can be with each other in this friendship to have that conversation

Original poster

Sunshinekid90 · 07/04/2024 22:49

Coastalpath · 07/04/2024 22:41

I don't think you're unreasonable to feel hurt at all, I certainly would. However, I probably wouldn't say anything to bride to be as there is unlikely to be an answer or outcome that will make you feel better (most likely you haven't done anything - she just feels you've drifted or that you're too busy perhaps or maybe she just has traditional views about bridesmaids being unmarried) and every possibility that she will be offended by you questioning her decision and it will affect the day for both of you and also possibly your friendship as a whole. Even if she did deem it an oversight and ask you to be her bridesmaid now, I don't think it would make you feel any better. I'd wallow in your feelings for a bit and then put on a positive face for the bride, be enthusiastic about her wedding and ask if there is anything you can do to help. I wouldn't find it easy though! I'd also put energy into finding / maintaining other friendships and perhaps stepping back a bit from this one if you are finding it unequal...

Thank you for not dismissing how I feel about it and for the advice. This is exactly what I’ve been doing. I’m trying to make her know that I care and still spend time with her in non wedding related ways. I certainly don’t want to upset her, she deserves to be happy and I am genuinely supportive of her. I think I just need to make peace with the fact we maybe aren’t as close as we once were.

OP posts:

Coastalpath · 07/04/2024 23:01

Sunshinekid90 · 07/04/2024 22:49

Thank you for not dismissing how I feel about it and for the advice. This is exactly what I’ve been doing. I’m trying to make her know that I care and still spend time with her in non wedding related ways. I certainly don’t want to upset her, she deserves to be happy and I am genuinely supportive of her. I think I just need to make peace with the fact we maybe aren’t as close as we once were.

Show quote history

Sending hugs. I'd be desperately hurt in this situation to be honest. There are few things like weddings for having to face the reality of where you rank in someone's list of friends! I found out after the event that I'd inadvertently hurt a close friend by not asking her to be my bridesmaid. To be honest she was no less close than the people I did ask, she was just a newer friend and wasn't really on my bridesmaid radar! I hadn't meant to hurt her at all.

The good news is that once the wedding is done, you can go back to your usual friendship. It really doesn't matter where she ranks you vs. where you rank her. All that matters in the scheme of things is that you enjoy each other's company. Your friendship might be one that ebbs and flows over the years but it is clear that you both have shared history and are both important to each other. In the meanwhile, enjoy getting to wear what you want and not having to wake up insanely early on the wedding day!

Original poster

Sunshinekid90 · 07/04/2024 23:05

Coastalpath · 07/04/2024 23:01

Sending hugs. I'd be desperately hurt in this situation to be honest. There are few things like weddings for having to face the reality of where you rank in someone's list of friends! I found out after the event that I'd inadvertently hurt a close friend by not asking her to be my bridesmaid. To be honest she was no less close than the people I did ask, she was just a newer friend and wasn't really on my bridesmaid radar! I hadn't meant to hurt her at all.

The good news is that once the wedding is done, you can go back to your usual friendship. It really doesn't matter where she ranks you vs. where you rank her. All that matters in the scheme of things is that you enjoy each other's company. Your friendship might be one that ebbs and flows over the years but it is clear that you both have shared history and are both important to each other. In the meanwhile, enjoy getting to wear what you want and not having to wake up insanely early on the wedding day!

Show quote history

This was the post I needed to read. You are absolutely right. Perhaps in the future out paths will merge closer together but for now I need to stop overthinking it and just enjoy it with her.

OP posts:

Hollywolly1 · 07/04/2024 23:13

Are you getting an invite to the wedding

Original poster

Sunshinekid90 · 07/04/2024 23:16

Hollywolly1 · 07/04/2024 23:13

Are you getting an invite to the wedding

yes, so i'm invited on the hen do (abroad with the wedding party) and have received a save the date to the wedding which is November this year.

OP posts:

theduchessofspork · 07/04/2024 23:20

It’s perfectly reasonable to feel a bit hurt and disappointed, but not to run with those feelings long term, or - god forbid - ask the bride why she didn’t chose you.

It’s possible she wants a bridesmaid who will run around organising stuff and you clearly don’t have time for that, or it might be she’s spent more time with this other friend in the past couple years and they are now closer day to day.

You can’t have everyone as a bridesmaid, it doesn’t mean she doesn’t love you dearly as a friend.

If you want to play a part in her wedding, tell her you’re happy to be given a job (mind you - do you have time?) if she says no, just bring yourself, then enjoy doing that. Let yourself be a bit sad for another week then let it go.

Original poster

Sunshinekid90 · 07/04/2024 23:28

theduchessofspork · 07/04/2024 23:20

It’s perfectly reasonable to feel a bit hurt and disappointed, but not to run with those feelings long term, or - god forbid - ask the bride why she didn’t chose you.

It’s possible she wants a bridesmaid who will run around organising stuff and you clearly don’t have time for that, or it might be she’s spent more time with this other friend in the past couple years and they are now closer day to day.

You can’t have everyone as a bridesmaid, it doesn’t mean she doesn’t love you dearly as a friend.

If you want to play a part in her wedding, tell her you’re happy to be given a job (mind you - do you have time?) if she says no, just bring yourself, then enjoy doing that. Let yourself be a bit sad for another week then let it go.

thanks for the kind advice and different angle on it. The fact I might not be able to devote as much time to the role is a reasonable explanation :)

OP posts:

carriedaway · 07/04/2024 23:35

A similar thing happened to me, my chief bridesmaid just didn’t ask me, maybe because I had kids by then but I felt such an idiot when the penny dropped that it wasn’t a given that I would take on the same role for her; 10 years on it still hurts to think about it. I opted not to say anything and make it about me (which I think was the right thing to do for the friendship and indeed to avoid a pity invite) but it did make me reassess everything I thought I knew about the friendship. So yanbu at all, I am sorry you are going through this. take some time process it and then paint on your biggest brightest smile for the big day xx

Notinthemood12 · 07/04/2024 23:37

Difficult one… ive seen this a few times where people only find out where they stand when comparison is necessary and choices need making. It sounds a bit uneven that she has had significant roles in your life events and she has not mentioned anything. I would keep being friends but on a lower level, the wedding an excuse for a party, focus on other people and build other friendships. Don’t be the first one to put yourself out for her etc. It is what it is but you need to adjust accordingly