Should I have been a bridesmaid?

[Sunshinekid90]

Hello, looking for some perspectives on this situation…

My closest friend recently got engaged. We have been friends for over 10 years, she was my bridesmaid, she is my daughter’s godmother, we have been there for each other over the years and I (naively) thought I would be her bridesmaid and share in her happiness, now she is getting married.

I accept we haven’t seen as much of each other over the past year but I have 2 children, I’ve done a masters, she has a business, moved house etc and we haven’t had any fall out or anything so I just thought we were both busy and haven’t thought anything was wrong. My feelings towards her haven’t changed in the slightest!

She has chosen her bridesmaids, one of which is a friend that didn’t have her as her bridesmaid and who wasn’t as close as we were and it’s like we are just pretending there isn’t an elephant in the room.

I’m delighted for my friend and she has so many amazing qualities and has been there for me over the years and I don’t want to lose her as a friend.

Am I being unreasonable to feel hurt about this? I couldn’t have imagined not having my friend with me on my wedding day or as part of my children’s lives. She was like family and she would have to have done something pretty bad for me to cut her out of a special occasion. I feel so hurt that she doesn’t want me supporting her on her big day. I don’t want to create drama relating to something that is all about her but I want to know what’s changed and what I might have done to make her not want to involve me.

thank you for reading!

Friendships change over time. I got married nearly 10 years ago and had 5 bridesmaids, if I was picking today then I probably would only have three (or if I had 5 it wouldn’t necessarily be the same 5). I’ve been a bridesmaid for two of mine, one eloped but I wouldn’t have expected to have been picked if she did have a traditional wedding. The other I reckon would just have family bridesmaids (and if she had non-family I wouldn’t expect to be picked at this stage in our lives).

No big fallouts, nothing dramatic, I don’t think any less of the bridesmaids I may not pick now but our circumstances have changed. We now live a good few hours away from each other, a couple have kids which has made meeting up more challenging. We still have a great friendship when we do manage to meet up/chat and it feel like old times but we’re just not the same people we were 10 years ago when we were fresh out of uni. It’s a shame but I’ve also made some new, wonderful friends due to change in jobs, life circumstances etc that bought us into each others orbit. If things stayed the same forever maybe I wouldn’t be as close with them and that would also be a real shame.

I think it’s natural to be a bit upset as I think this is a really common experience once you get to your later 20s/30s and beyond that often isn’t talked about. Friendships in the media are often framed as your childhood or young adult friends are your friends forever friends when for many of us that sadly isn’t the case. You never know what will happen in the future though (I’ve recently got back in touch with somebody I was good friends with at school but then we lost contact, we’re now back in vaguely the same area, at a similar stage in life and it’s been lovely getting to know her again!).

Basically, I’d try not to take it personally. It’s likely nothing you or her has done but one of those timing questions in life. Chances are she may well feel awkward about it herself and doesn’t know quite how to navigate the situation. People are clumsy and don’t always get things right. By posting on mumsnet you’re no doubt going to get a load of bridezilla comments as nothing upsets posters on here like a wedding, try not to let them influence you too much - you know your friend better than anyone on here.

Her feelings are very reasonable.

Of course your feelings are valid, but I can honestly say, hand on heart, that this would not have bothered me. I hope you will still support her on her big day.

I certainly would not be going on a foreign hen do spending all that money and I think it will leave you even more hurt,honestly I would be really thinking about the expenses of the wedding itself, make some excuse and go on a nice holiday, send your best wishes though

Sorry OP, it sounds like she just isn't that into you !
Don't bring it up with her and see where the friendship goes naturally.

Yanbu to feel hurt by her choice but I wouldn't let it ruin your friendship, there could be a whole host of reasons why she chose others.
My lifelong best friend didn't choose me as a bridesmaid, I didn't even go to her wedding, she had a small private wedding guests and invited 2 other friends instead but at the time we had drifted apart and hadn't seen each other for a few years as she was travelling and I was settled with a house and partner. I invited her to my wedding evening party but not the main day, it was just where we were at the time, funny enough she then bought a house in the same street as me and had a family and we then spent many years being incredibly close and even holidayed together. She was my closet alley during my divorce and subsequent depression.. the bridesmaid I did have I'm no longer in contact with. friendships change over time,

She sounds like a bridezilla 😆😆😆😆, I think you should be starting to feel relieved you weren't asked anytime now😆