Page 2 | Should I have been a bridesmaid?

Sunshinekid90 · 2024-04-07T21:30:02+00:00

Hello, looking for some perspectives on this situation… My closest friend recently got engaged. We have been friends for over 10 years, she was my bridesmaid, she is my daughter’s godmother, we have been there for each other over the years and I (naively) thought I would be her bridesmaid and share in her happiness, now she is getting married. I accept we haven’t seen as much of each other over the past year but I have 2 children, I’ve done a masters, she has a business, moved house etc and we haven’t had any fall out or anything so I just thought we were both busy and haven’t thought anything was wrong. My feelings towards her haven’t changed in the slightest! She has chosen her bridesmaids, one of which is a friend that didn’t have her as her bridesmaid and who wasn’t as close as we were and it’s like we are just pretending there isn’t an elephant in the room. I’m delighted for my friend and she has so many amazing qualities and has been there for me over the years and I don’t want to lose her as a friend. Am I being unreasonable to feel hurt about this? I couldn’t have imagined not having my friend with me on my wedding day or as part of my children’s lives. She was like family and she would have to have done something pretty bad for me to cut her out of a special occasion. I feel so hurt that she doesn’t want me supporting her on her big day. I don’t want to create drama relating to something that is all about her but I want to know what’s changed and what I might have done to make her not want to involve me. thank you for reading!

Original poster

Sunshinekid90 · 07/04/2024 23:41

carriedaway · 07/04/2024 23:35

A similar thing happened to me, my chief bridesmaid just didn’t ask me, maybe because I had kids by then but I felt such an idiot when the penny dropped that it wasn’t a given that I would take on the same role for her; 10 years on it still hurts to think about it. I opted not to say anything and make it about me (which I think was the right thing to do for the friendship and indeed to avoid a pity invite) but it did make me reassess everything I thought I knew about the friendship. So yanbu at all, I am sorry you are going through this. take some time process it and then paint on your biggest brightest smile for the big day xx

I'm sorry to hear you had a similar experience. Its such a mix of emotions. Of course I'm happy for her but 'the penny dropping' feeling is rubbish. We always talked about when she got married and how I would be a bridesmaid in the past so its sucks things change but it is what it is and you are right it does make you reassess things.
Thanks for the advice

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bluetopazlove · 08/04/2024 00:26

It's about the brides life , you obviously don't know about she feels about you , you know your own feelings and that's it . What she is doing when you're not around her ?

Stuckinthemiddle7890 · 08/04/2024 00:42

Sunshinekid90 · 07/04/2024 22:42

Thanks for this opinion, I see your point

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OP i don't see the point in that post what so ever. I think the other poster is just made of stone. Firstly most ppl look at negative issues from their own perspective, because well it's the only one we have that we know at that moment in time and that's fine. I'm sure your friend does care about you and i think most likely the reason she hasn't asked you to be a bridesmaid is because she knows you're too busy with the kids . Most ppl in your position would feel the same but i accept lots wouldn't that's why there's no right or wrong because you can't help how you feel and your obviously upset because you care and not for any other reason. I think you should tell her if she needs you on the day as an add on bridesmaid you will be on hand (maybe a joke of it might prompt a convo) and that you'd like to help if she needs anything. 💕

pootlin · 08/04/2024 00:50

It’s disappointing but, as a pp said, take this as a sign to re-assess the friendship and consider whether you give too much and she too little. You can still be great friends without prioritising her as a friend.

CulturalNomad · 08/04/2024 00:55

Am I being unreasonable to feel hurt about this?

You feel how you feel...nothing unreasonable about being hurt. I do think it would be unreasonable to confront your friend about it. You'd be putting her in an awkward position and what answer could she give that would make you feel better?

Long friendships really tend to wax and wane. Right now you are not as close as you once were, but that may change again in the future. It doesn't mean she doesn't value you or the relationship.

Saintmariesleuth · 08/04/2024 00:59

I understand why you feel so hurt OP, even though it is your friend's decision who she chooses for her bridal party. Due to the history here though, it would have been kinder (and wiser) for your friend to address the elephant

I agree with previous posters that saying nothing is the only viable option if you wish to remain friends. I suspect that trying to discuss this with her will just seem petty and only serve to make things even more awkward (even though that's not your intention).

However, she has invited you to her wedding and included you in the hen party, so she clearly values you as a friend

You're doing the right thing by sticking to more non wedding related topics. Try not to dwell on your disappointment and enjoy the hen do and wedding (but you are allowed to feel a bit sad in private in the meantime)

TheFormidableMrsC · 08/04/2024 01:00

My best friend of 20 odd years (who was my chief bridesmaid) didn't ask me to be bridesmaid. I was disappointed but kept that to myself as I understood that it was her wedding and she could do what she liked). What really hurt was finding out I wasn't even invited to her actual wedding, just the evening do. Never really got past that (and there were other issues that cropped up later on) and I decided to cut her off. It became clear to me I wasn't that important to her. Really sad and I'll never understand why she behaved like she did. I'd been such a good friend to her in so many ways.

Runnerinthenight · 08/04/2024 01:02

The same friend who didn't have any of our close friendship group from uni (4 of us) as bridesmaid also made me cry when she posted that she was going to visit her best friend in X a number of years ago. One of our foursome had long fallen by the wayside but I thought the three of us were tight after 40 years.

I have just had to accept that both of my friends still love and care for me, but they are closer to each other than they are to me. I introduced them to each other....

HiCandles · 08/04/2024 01:05

Traditionally I believe bridesmaids weren't married, maybe it's as simple as that? She's assumed you know that and therefore wouldn't have been expecting you'd be a bridesmaid.
I have to say the time I was BM for my sister it was quite a lot of work! Maybe she assumed you wouldn't have time.

Original poster

Sunshinekid90 · 08/04/2024 01:06

CulturalNomad · 08/04/2024 00:55

Am I being unreasonable to feel hurt about this?

You feel how you feel...nothing unreasonable about being hurt. I do think it would be unreasonable to confront your friend about it. You'd be putting her in an awkward position and what answer could she give that would make you feel better?

Long friendships really tend to wax and wane. Right now you are not as close as you once were, but that may change again in the future. It doesn't mean she doesn't value you or the relationship.

i definitely wouldn’t confront her about not being a bridesmaid, that ship has sailed and I respect that decision. I really value this friendship and if I’d done something to upset her or not done enough then I would rather know. The fact I’m not a bridesmaid has brought this shift in our friendship to light that I was previously unaware of and I would just like to know why and if it’s something I need to change. But from the messages on here, perhaps I need to just accept it. Thanks for taking the time to reply :)

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Concannon88 · 08/04/2024 01:10

I really dread this happening to me ans rhe rejection i would feel. It kind of did happen to me once, but I know she was closer to the people she had chosen.

How many bridrsmaids has she chosen? And did she acknowledge you wouldn't be one to your face? 😒

Original poster

Sunshinekid90 · 08/04/2024 01:11

HiCandles · 08/04/2024 01:05

Traditionally I believe bridesmaids weren't married, maybe it's as simple as that? She's assumed you know that and therefore wouldn't have been expecting you'd be a bridesmaid.
I have to say the time I was BM for my sister it was quite a lot of work! Maybe she assumed you wouldn't have time.

The other bridesmides are married and one has a child I’m afraid.

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Original poster

Sunshinekid90 · 08/04/2024 01:18

Concannon88 · 08/04/2024 01:10

I really dread this happening to me ans rhe rejection i would feel. It kind of did happen to me once, but I know she was closer to the people she had chosen.

How many bridrsmaids has she chosen? And did she acknowledge you wouldn't be one to your face? 😒

She has 4. Our other friend got asked to meet up with her and told she wasn’t going to be a bridesmaid (and neither was I). so I was given the heads up and then I found out through social media who was chosen. I think this is partly why I feel a bit hurt too - like not only did I not get chosen, I didn’t merit the conversation.

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Original poster

Sunshinekid90 · 08/04/2024 01:21

TheFormidableMrsC · 08/04/2024 01:00

My best friend of 20 odd years (who was my chief bridesmaid) didn't ask me to be bridesmaid. I was disappointed but kept that to myself as I understood that it was her wedding and she could do what she liked). What really hurt was finding out I wasn't even invited to her actual wedding, just the evening do. Never really got past that (and there were other issues that cropped up later on) and I decided to cut her off. It became clear to me I wasn't that important to her. Really sad and I'll never understand why she behaved like she did. I'd been such a good friend to her in so many ways.

Sorry to read this, that is a horrible situation! Sometimes you find things out the hard way 😔

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Original poster

Sunshinekid90 · 08/04/2024 01:29

pootlin · 08/04/2024 00:50

It’s disappointing but, as a pp said, take this as a sign to re-assess the friendship and consider whether you give too much and she too little. You can still be great friends without prioritising her as a friend.

I had all my ‘big events’ younger in life and she has given so much support to me over the years. I definitely can’t accuse her of not giving as much to our friendship. I’m just gutted I don’t get the opportunity to return the gestures for her x

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Snugglemonkey · 08/04/2024 01:34

carriedaway · 07/04/2024 23:35

A similar thing happened to me, my chief bridesmaid just didn’t ask me, maybe because I had kids by then but I felt such an idiot when the penny dropped that it wasn’t a given that I would take on the same role for her; 10 years on it still hurts to think about it. I opted not to say anything and make it about me (which I think was the right thing to do for the friendship and indeed to avoid a pity invite) but it did make me reassess everything I thought I knew about the friendship. So yanbu at all, I am sorry you are going through this. take some time process it and then paint on your biggest brightest smile for the big day xx

This is a shame. Traditionally bridesmaids were just that, unmarried, no children. Maids. Primarily because they had no responsibilities. No children. No partners. They could be there for just the bride.

I would not necessarily rethink a friendship. But I probably would rethink the effort I put in.

bluetopazlove · 08/04/2024 01:34

As far as I know bridesmaids should be unmarried and chief bridesmaid could be married .

CulturalNomad · 08/04/2024 01:36

The fact I’m not a bridesmaid has brought this shift in our friendship to light that I was previously unaware of and I would just like to know why and if it’s something I need to change

As I'm sitting here right now I'm very close to losing a dear friend of 30+ years. Not to an argument but to that cruel bastard cancer. I can not imagine a world without her, but here we are.

But honestly our friendship had highs and lows; out lives took very different paths. Sometimes there was more effort on her part and sometimes it was on mine. But I will be forever grateful for the bond we maintained and consider it one of the great privileges of my life that she never gave up on our friendship.

I guess my point is that sometimes you have to play the long game in relationships. You are hurt but that doesn't mean you two won't be close again. Sometimes extending a little grace to someone is the right thing to do. And she may return the favor somewhere down the road

KThnxBye · 08/04/2024 01:39

I remember being jealous of the girl down the street when I was 7 because she was asked to be a bridesmaid at a wedding of people I did not know and she was 13 and therefore unbelievably grown up and glamorous in a fancy dress.

You can be a great friend without wearing a dress for one day. It’s a strange measure of a friendship in my eyes. I have a few close friends whose weddings I was not invited to and I don’t mind at all. I have even more close friends who are not married and have no intention of becoming so, and we all fulfill important support roles in each other’s lives without any need for titles or hierarchies or performative roles that mean nothing in day to day life. In traditional weddings men don’t have to pick out their friends in this kind of favouritism. Bridesmaids are young single childless girls or very young women or none of the traditions make any sense.

Original poster

Sunshinekid90 · 08/04/2024 01:42

CulturalNomad · 08/04/2024 01:36

The fact I’m not a bridesmaid has brought this shift in our friendship to light that I was previously unaware of and I would just like to know why and if it’s something I need to change

As I'm sitting here right now I'm very close to losing a dear friend of 30+ years. Not to an argument but to that cruel bastard cancer. I can not imagine a world without her, but here we are.

But honestly our friendship had highs and lows; out lives took very different paths. Sometimes there was more effort on her part and sometimes it was on mine. But I will be forever grateful for the bond we maintained and consider it one of the great privileges of my life that she never gave up on our friendship.

I guess my point is that sometimes you have to play the long game in relationships. You are hurt but that doesn't mean you two won't be close again. Sometimes extending a little grace to someone is the right thing to do. And she may return the favor somewhere down the road

I’m so sorry to read this about your friend. It kicks all the petty stuff into perspective.

i’m with you - friendships are relationships. Sometimes it takes more work, sometimes people put more/less effort in than others, sometimes we make mistakes. But the most important thing is to value it and have gratitude.

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lemonsaretheonlyfruit · 08/04/2024 01:53

I don't think you are being unreasonable to feel hurt at all. If I consider my similar sounding friendships and in particular my 3 friends who were bridesmaids at my wedding I would feel the same.

Yes it's her choice of course but I would have expected some sort of acknowledgment from her as to why you aren't a bridesmaid as you had spoken about in the past. As you say, I wouldn't bring it up with her either but a drink / call just the two of you to say 'I know we spoke about it but this is why I can't / have chosen not to' would have been nice. I know people get so wrapped up in their own weddings but they don't (shouldn't) lose all sense of empathy in the process.

So I would feel the same as you. Sad and confused but still being happy for her and wanting to maintain your friendship.

I don't know what the answer is other than to just get through it/ smile and wave.

I would also (if you can face it and her future friendship is important to you) suggest you go for a lunch/ night out/ dinner together over the next few months with no one else there to reconnect your friendship. It might come out that night.

I'm not suggesting this as a reason to get your answer. You may not get one but at the very least hopefully you will have a good night / reconnect if that is what's needed.

Concannon88 · 08/04/2024 02:04

Sunshinekid90 · 08/04/2024 01:18

She has 4. Our other friend got asked to meet up with her and told she wasn’t going to be a bridesmaid (and neither was I). so I was given the heads up and then I found out through social media who was chosen. I think this is partly why I feel a bit hurt too - like not only did I not get chosen, I didn’t merit the conversation.

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Eugh 4 is quite a few. From my own experience it makes you feel like you didn't make the cut and wonder how far down the list were you. Its a shame as I think this sort of thing makes people less close. Its awkward as fuck knowing she was one of the special people you chose but it wasn't reciprocated.

EngineStart · 08/04/2024 02:51

CulturalNomad · 08/04/2024 01:36

The fact I’m not a bridesmaid has brought this shift in our friendship to light that I was previously unaware of and I would just like to know why and if it’s something I need to change

As I'm sitting here right now I'm very close to losing a dear friend of 30+ years. Not to an argument but to that cruel bastard cancer. I can not imagine a world without her, but here we are.

But honestly our friendship had highs and lows; out lives took very different paths. Sometimes there was more effort on her part and sometimes it was on mine. But I will be forever grateful for the bond we maintained and consider it one of the great privileges of my life that she never gave up on our friendship.

I guess my point is that sometimes you have to play the long game in relationships. You are hurt but that doesn't mean you two won't be close again. Sometimes extending a little grace to someone is the right thing to do. And she may return the favor somewhere down the road

This is a great post, and just about sums it up. I have lots of long standing friends and none of those relationships have been the same throughout, they all ebb and flow. In one instance, a really good friend and I didn’t see each other or have any other direct contact for 20 years - nothing acrimonious, just life, taking different paths. We randomly reconnected and are now as close as we were 20 years previously.

familyissues12345 · 08/04/2024 08:29

Are you sure she doesn't have some sort of role in mind for you? Doing a reading or something? Just seems weird that she didn't talk to you like she did your mutual friend

DragonGypsyDoris · 08/04/2024 08:35

It's about her, not you. Maybe she realises you won't have time to play a full role? She could be a bridezilla - maybe you dodged a bullet. Three different hen events including a week abroad, expensive activities, the other hens paying for the bride? It's not unusual nowadays. No thanks.