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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not go on regular holidays with the in laws now that we’re paying?

51 replies

Ginspirational · 07/04/2024 21:00

Maybe I am being a little unreasonable but for the last 5 years, my in laws have (very kindly) paid for us to go abroad with them. We couldn’t afford it, and we never asked, but obviously never said no.

Now the family is growing, we have a DD and SIL has a DS and another on the way, they’ve said they can’t keep paying for us to go abroad, which is absolutely understandable and we aren’t upset by it. We’ve always been very grateful.

However.. because they always paid, the holidays were very much run at their pace, we did what they wanted to do, and everything had to be done together. The holidays weren’t exactly relaxing, and honestly were a bit stressful.

Now we’ve come on quite a bit, we’ve bought a house and are both in well paid jobs so can now afford to go abroad, albeit only once a year. My DH thinks we have to continue doing the annual holiday with his family to not make it look as though we were ‘using them’, whereas I’d really like to go away just the 3 of us. We can only afford one..

Am I being unreasonable, do we look really ungrateful because we only went away with them when we couldn’t afford it ourselves? Should I just do it every other year?

OP posts:
Elephantswillnever · 07/04/2024 21:04

Could you possibly stretch to a long weekend in a holiday cottage in the UK, pay for his parents to say thank you for all their invites then go abroad as a family of 3.

Tygers · 07/04/2024 21:10

I would not be using my hard-earned cash for a holiday I wouldn’t enjoy. You could say that you’ll do a joint holiday but that since you’re all paying you’d like it to be organised jointly- you get a say in destination, choice of activities. It might be a lot better for you if you get some control over how it goes.

TunaCrunchy · 07/04/2024 21:11

I think it’s fine to go with your own little family and not the in laws.

mitogoshi · 07/04/2024 21:12

I think it's probably fair to do every other year or 1:3 to make it clear you weren't using them because it seems from your post you were

Molonty · 07/04/2024 21:13

Elephantswillnever · 07/04/2024 21:04

Could you possibly stretch to a long weekend in a holiday cottage in the UK, pay for his parents to say thank you for all their invites then go abroad as a family of 3.

I would do this. Do it for a year or two then phase it out.

Chatonette · 07/04/2024 21:14

Be careful what precedent you set. If you fund the ‘their pace/their activities’ holiday that you don’t enjoy/find stressful, you may be setting the expectation going forward…

Angeldelight50 · 07/04/2024 21:15

I can totally see where you are coming from but at the same time I think YABU. I’d probably continue the tradition for a couple of years as a thank you and then phase it out.

Becles · 07/04/2024 21:16

Why not suggest an every other year family holiday that you all pitch ideas for?

That way you get a 'my little family' time, your dad and child.get the time with extended family and you don't end up looking like you tolerated the in laws only for their money?

Then after the first one have a group evaluation about if you could possibly also alternate short 🇬🇧 break over a long weekend v overseas so the family can spend time together without too much strain on relationships and pocket.

90yomakeuproom · 07/04/2024 21:18

Life is too short to do things you don't want to do.

MissAtomicBomb1 · 07/04/2024 21:20

I think it's a bit mean to ditch them completely now they're not paying, but also don't think you should feel obliged to give abroad for a week with them. Compromise & go for a weekend away with them in the UK. 3 days will be just enough.

bellezarara · 07/04/2024 21:22

YANBU at all. No one forced PIL to pay for you, they did it for your company.

Time to go on holidays you enjoy.

Maybe in a couple of years time repay their generosity by taking them away and treating them but for now the next few holidays should be for you and your kids and DH.

downsizedilemma · 07/04/2024 21:23

I agree with the weekend away idea. I think it would be a bit mean not to do anything at all with them.

katebushh · 07/04/2024 21:23

I don't think it's unreasonably at all for you to go on your own holidays now.

Their kindness and your participation in their holidays wasn't contractual.

If anything I would have thought they'd be very happy for you.

Original poster
Ginspirational · 07/04/2024 21:24

I think you’re right, we could definitely stretch to a short UK break with them, to give them time with DD as well.

OP posts:
TreesAndSandAndWaves · 07/04/2024 21:28

My DH thinks we have to continue doing the annual holiday with his family to not make it look as though we were ‘using them’

But, you sort of were using them though.

So you can either just own that, and do your own thing now they are not paying, or deny it by keeping going but paying for yourselves.

bellezarara · 07/04/2024 21:29

TreesAndSandAndWaves · 07/04/2024 21:28

My DH thinks we have to continue doing the annual holiday with his family to not make it look as though we were ‘using them’

But, you sort of were using them though.

So you can either just own that, and do your own thing now they are not paying, or deny it by keeping going but paying for yourselves.

You could say the in laws were using OP et al for company, they had a vested interest too.

It’s nonsense to suggest OP should keep going on the stressful holidays and pay for them.

Quitelikeacatslife · 07/04/2024 21:30

Maybe them stopping paying means they are ready for change too. They may want something quieter.

Def plan uk weekend in big house , share cost with SIL if possible ?

TheBottomsOfMyTrousersAreRolled · 07/04/2024 21:31

Elephantswillnever · 07/04/2024 21:04

Could you possibly stretch to a long weekend in a holiday cottage in the UK, pay for his parents to say thank you for all their invites then go abroad as a family of 3.

This also and make it clear you cannot afford it every year.

Allfur · 07/04/2024 21:31

2 holidays - they won't be alive forever

FloofCloud · 07/04/2024 21:32

I agree with long weekend with whole fam somewhere cheap and your own holiday - you work you need your own relaxation

Charlie2121 · 07/04/2024 21:34

This is why you should never go on holiday with extended family. Being answerable to others sounds insufferable.

Aquamarine1029 · 07/04/2024 21:35

Their gift to you shouldn't have come with strings attached, and I would refuse to have my life dictated by their unreasonable expectations. Stand firm.

DuploTrain · 07/04/2024 21:36

Quitelikeacatslife · 07/04/2024 21:30

Maybe them stopping paying means they are ready for change too. They may want something quieter.

Def plan uk weekend in big house , share cost with SIL if possible ?

I agree… they might have said they won’t pay anymore because they don’t want to go on toddler friendly holidays! So it may not be an issue for them at all that you go abroad without them.

Have PIL actually indicated that they still want to have a holiday with you, or is DH just assuming?

bellezarara · 07/04/2024 21:37

Allfur · 07/04/2024 21:31

2 holidays - they won't be alive forever

OP should not be expected to fund an additional holiday with in laws every year, that’s nonsense.

Original poster
Ginspirational · 07/04/2024 21:39

I suppose I never saw it as using them because we would stress we really couldn’t afford it and they would say ‘no no, we will pay’, and we’d thank them in ways we could afford like paying for dinner one of the nights, and flowers etc after the holiday.

But these holidays were hard going, we weren’t allowed to go for dinner as just a couple because everything had to be done as a group, so I’m almost glad they’ve stopped paying to be honest, I feel like we can finally spend some quality time together as a 3.

OP posts: