To not go on regular holidays with the in laws now that we’re paying?

[Ginspirational]

Maybe I am being a little unreasonable but for the last 5 years, my in laws have (very kindly) paid for us to go abroad with them. We couldn’t afford it, and we never asked, but obviously never said no.

Now the family is growing, we have a DD and SIL has a DS and another on the way, they’ve said they can’t keep paying for us to go abroad, which is absolutely understandable and we aren’t upset by it. We’ve always been very grateful.

However.. because they always paid, the holidays were very much run at their pace, we did what they wanted to do, and everything had to be done together. The holidays weren’t exactly relaxing, and honestly were a bit stressful.

Now we’ve come on quite a bit, we’ve bought a house and are both in well paid jobs so can now afford to go abroad, albeit only once a year. My DH thinks we have to continue doing the annual holiday with his family to not make it look as though we were ‘using them’, whereas I’d really like to go away just the 3 of us. We can only afford one..

Am I being unreasonable, do we look really ungrateful because we only went away with them when we couldn’t afford it ourselves? Should I just do it every other year?

The holidays were apparently not so stressful that OP chose not to go on them.

I agree with suggesting you pay for a different type of break away to say thank you. You might find that they'd rather do their own thing anyway.

I have paid for family members to come on a holiday of my choice with me before. The reward for that was the fun holiday that I really enjoyed. I don’t expect them to reciprocate and if they did I would expect them to chose and plan what they’d like to do and then ask me if I wanted to join them. I wouldn’t expect to make all the decisions if I wasn’t paying for the whole holiday.

But how was the OP supposed to say no? Short of telling them that it's stressful to their faces. They offered to pay, it's very hard to reject.
I see you're considering the UK break idea OP which is great, but I wouldn't feel guilty personally about 'using' them.

They definitely weren’t horrendous holidays, just hard work, and I’m excited to be able to spend some time with my family now making some memories.

I know they are keen to keep going away with us, so will definitely suggest a UK break with them and keep the more expensive holidays for the 3 of us.

She could just say they preferred to holiday on their own? As she's going to have to do this year anyway. Just becuase someone offers you something, doesn't obligate you to accept it.

Lots of the responses on this thread allude to OP not having to do something she won't enjoy. The same was equally true in previous years.

@shepherdsangeldelight we couldn’t afford to go on holiday. It was holiday with them, or no holiday. It wasn’t overly stressful, just not the most enjoyable. We said the only reason for not going with them was the fact we couldn’t afford it, and they said they would pay - I couldn’t then turn around and say actually we just find it a bit stressful, it would’ve been awkward.

It's fine to go on a holiday without the in-laws!

I would definitely go alone this year to break the habit, but consider a joint holiday the next year. However I would insist on having a say on what that looks like, separate accommodations etc.

You can't have gifted holidays forever held over your head, it was their choice.

Holidays and travel are important to me and I couldn't be forever dictated to.

You could have said no previously. I have a family member who has offered to pay for us all to go on a group holiday a few times. I've been once or twice to show willing but its really not my cup of tea so i have declined the free holiday numerous times due to not wanting to be dictated to and preferring to choose my own type of break with my DC. This situation is of your own making. You've happily taken the handouts, through gritted teeth at times it seems, and now you're having to own it.

Do it for this year and then as and when you choose. Just complete the circle and then move on.

I do understand, but it really was very hard to say no to MIL, and it was a way for DD to start seeing the world too, which we wanted for her and can now provide on our own.

Anyway - I’ll stop feeling guilty now! We will find a middle ground. Thanks everyone 😊

Of course you weren't 'using' them, if someone gives you a gift, it's a gift. They chose to give it, and they got something out of it too.

I love having my adult children on holiday with me but I'm fully aware that they come because I pay! We have a good time, but I know they have a better time with their peers, that's just the way of things.

Can you have them to stay in your home? Or do day-trips? For all you know they're thinking a whole week abroad with small kids is hard work and they want a nice peaceful holiday on their own.

I think it’s understandable you don’t want to go now and you didn’t use them. I enjoy going away with my parents but if they didn’t pay we wouldn’t go - we don’t have unlimited holiday budget. It’s kind of them to pay and is an extra holiday and time together. We do see plenty of them anyway.

Find other ways to say thank you. Lovely meals out, day trips, a night away in the UK together paid by you. Go and visit them and stay in a nearby hotel. Probably skip the stressful holiday abroad though...

My parents bought a house on a Balearic island when they retired and then expected me to go on holiday there every year. I went once a year for more than 20 years, all through my twenties and into my thirties, and I know I was very lucky, but they were not the holidays I would have chosen for myself. The holidays were very dominated by my parents, who spent every second with us, and decided what we were going to do and eat every day. It became very repetitive as they always wanted to go to the same places and do the same things and any change in routine was highly stressful. In the end I explained that we wanted to go to different holiday destinations. We could not afford to pay for flights to the Balearics for a family of four, a hire car for the week, food etc AND go on the holiday of our choice. This went down very badly I’m afraid.

I'd maybe suggest your own holiday this year, joint holiday next year or something. You don't want it to look like you were using them.

But whatever you decide remember you only have a few short years before your stuck with expensive school holiday times. And TBH the ILs probably won't want to come then anyway

Agree with this. Alternate years is a good compromise.

If I did pay to go away with family, in laws, I definitely would do what I wanted and when I wanted. That would be my compromise. Agree maybe a couple of joint events everyone wants to do - and then visit places, beaches, restaurants as a smaller family unit.

I think you could do an occasional holiday with them in the UK or abroad, maybe shorter or every few years. I would avoid getting into a habit of doing something every year as it will lead to upset when it stops or you miss a year. In hindsight it would have been good to decline the occasional free holiday too. But no definitely don't do their holiday every year!

How do you know you can only afford one?

Try shopping around, you might be surprised.

Also if you do end up going with them, change the tradition and start spending more time alone together. You don't all have to live in each other's pockets.

If you’re all paying your own way for holidays I think even holidays together can involve more joint decisions. You can use your DC as the pretext for that - ‘DC will be wanting activities this year so we’re going to x town/resort and mostly going to do y type of things, I know it’s not your usual style but love it if you overlapped with us’.

I agree. You weren't using them. They offered, you accepted, they didn't offer on the condition that in future you'd pay for yourselves but still go on the holiday that they organised, doing things that they wanted to do.

That’s such a shame. I don’t know why some folk can’t accept that their Dc grow up and want to do things their way. It’s no fun being on holiday with other people dictating everything, even your own parents. We’ve taken PIL twice - the second time just for the second week - but we’ve all got on fine as no one tries to dictate the itinerary.

I can understand wanting to go with just your nuclear family op, but it sounds like your dh would still like to go with his parents, and of course his opinion matters equally to yours. You weren't using them, they wanted you there ( and still do) and were able to make it work, it was mutually beneficial. It's going to take some compromising I'd guess. Pp suggesting you look at holidays that would suit you, then suggesting they join you rather than them organising is likely the best suggestion, it gives you a bit more control over the trip. Good luck.

I assume that they're not now expecting you to pay for them. They'd pay for themselves as you would pay for yourselves. In that case it might not be too bad. If you've always gone at their pace because they were paying, then when you're paying surely you do what you want to do, at least most of the time. With the added push that now the DC is older you're going to want to do things to suit them.

What are your SIL's thoughts on this?

Good idea.