To have expected my daughters to be flower girls

[Notmotherofflowergirls]

Just created an account for people to pile on to me and tell me I am an idiot. I don’t think I can tell my real friends.
I am inwardly cringing!
My brother is getting married in 3 months time to a woman with no nieces or nephews.
My mother and I naturally assumed that my two girls 4 and 6 would be the flower girls. There are no other kids in the family although stepdad has grandchildren.
My mother was feeling left out of all the planning. DB was uncommunicative about the plans and always referred us to SiL and when my mum asked to contribute she was batted away.
Finally Mum insisted that she would buy the flower girl dresses and finally brother agreed. So on Wednesday SiL posted an invoice for three flower girl dresses from a Shop in Dublin. She included a nice note saying that she mustn’t feel obliged to pay.
My mum asked who the third dress was for: it turns out all three are for her cousin’s girls.
Brother came round and said that they will be only kids at wedding.
My brother was asked point blank if he didn’t want his nieces there and all he could say was he would speak with SiL. He did look sheepish.
My dad died and while my mum has not remarried she has been with her partner for 9 years. His kids are not invited. My stepdad isn’t going and is angry that my mum has been made to feel so upset.
I feel as if I have been kicked in the guts. My mum keeps bursting into tears.
My DH says he’s ongoing either Have we overstepped? Would anyone else have made the same assumption?

Not at all. I can choose a meal that costs twice as much per head, or I can choose the meal that costs half a much per head and have twice as many people. Or I can choose a venue that costs twice as much, or one that costs half as much.

Is the type of meal or venue more important than the people in my life? That reflects my values. I chose a historic homestead with buffet and a beautiful garden over a fancy convention centre with menu. I had a lovely wedding with the people that mattered. Now if the meal and venue was more important to me than the people, I could have gone for the more expensive option and left people out. But people matter more than whether the dinner has little cute garnishes on top of the steak.

I just drew on that because that's the only time I've personally encountered the issue. When forced to choose between leaving a newborn in another city (who wasn't going to cost anything to anyone) or attending a wedding, there is no real choice, so making it impossible for me to attend does tell me a lot about how much you want me there.

YABU to have assumed your daughters would be part of the wedding party.

YANBU to have expected them to be invited to the wedding & DM’s DP’s kids too. Are you and your brother estranged?

I wouldn't have assumed that your girls would be flower girls, as I wouldn't have assumed any flower girls - and even if there were, they could easily have been children of the bride's/couple's friends. And I would be surprised/upset if someone assumed my daughter would be a flower girl without asking me and her dad and getting our OK (before mentioning it to her or making any plans that include her).

BUT your brother is being ridiculous refusing to address and communicate who is or is not invited to the wedding. He can't hide behind/blame his fiancee; it's his wedding too and he has just as much say and responsibility. It's of course the couple's choice, but if your brother is hurting and disappointing his own family, he'd better start doing some damage control.

Why do people think they can “tell” someone else what to do about their own wedding? What response are they expecting? I think the “Tell them what’s what!” crowd think the brother and his wife will crumble in the face of OP’s damning assessment of them. No one ever seems to allow for the possibility that they’ll just laugh and say “Nice try - it’s our wedding, not yours” or similar.

This is exactly it. Go enjoy the day with your mum and partner and let them have the wedding they want.

Also as mentioned isn't it up to the bride to pick her side of the wedding party?

OP’s husband has said he isn’t going. OP’s mother’s partner has said he isn’t going. His kids, who the OP views as family, aren’t invited. If the OP’s husband is somehow incapable of looking after his own children, couldn’t one of these people babysit for the day?

It’s your comment that makes no sense.

Thanks for the latest update OP

I think your mum is right to save face and pay for the dresses- reneging on this now would look petty

They can do whatever they want, like you say, it's their wedding. What they don't then get to do is cry and complain and have MIL call you to pressure you when you can't come because of their choices. Which is what happened to me.

I agree. As the mother/MIL, I would go ahead and pay like I'd offered, especially if it was me who jumped the gun with assumptions. Your relationship with your child and DIL is more important than the price of three dresses.

While I think the brother was monumentally daft, or at least weirdly obtuse, to have not realised why his mother wanted to pay for the dresses, it really isn’t that odd that the bride would want someone from her side, even if it was as well as rather than instead of her fiancé’s nieces. It’s quite telling that OP’s mother was surprised there was a third dress - as if she hadn’t even considered the bride might pick someone from her own family.

Maybe I’ve missed it, but has the OP ever said that a) she’s thinking of not going or b) her brother and his fiancée have said they’d have an issue with her not going due to childcare?

I got the distinct impression that DB was well aware his DM thought OP’s children were going to be flower girls, and just hadn’t set her straight. Or indeed told anyone that they are having a child-free wedding, even though it’s less than 3 months to the wedding day.

I’m not sure how much he contributed to that misconception, and how much he just didn’t correct it, but either way it’s him I’d be furious with here. He must have known OP and her DM were heading for a massive shock, and he just chucked his fiancée under a bus and told his family to take it up with her.

It’s not the royal line of succession. The bride has chosen children to whom she is close, rather than basing it on technical “seniority”.

Not all marriages have kids, and there are plenty of child free weddings. Your kids should be important to you, not to this extent to uncles and aunts who have their own lives.

You have to respect the right of the bridal couple to choose their own wedding.
In this instance Op you should meet face to face with your brother and at least inform him that his lovely stepfather is quite offended that, at such a large wedding, his children have not been invited and that your kids are sad not to be going.

Nothing might come of the chat but brother can't invite people unless he knows. It is strange that the guest list was not shared before invitations - when communication would have been easy and your mother couldhave offered to put her money towards six extra guests.

I hope you all take a step back, go, and have a great day.

This

Can understand why the bride has been pretty hands off with you 3
Just all sounds too hard, you all have your vision of what a wedding is 'supposed' to be, ignoring the fact, its not your wedding and thinking temper tantrums will get the ball rolling your way wont ever work

DB is a spineless wuss.

What he and his fiancee have done is rude and mean.

It's a cardinal sin in the UK to "presume" and to "assume".

But your mum's assumption wasn't misplaced, and DB is clearly marrying a piece of work.

Yes to this.

I think your mum has created this situation and upset herself. No one ever suggested DDs would be flower girls. If they're not asked, it's safe to assume they're not expected to perform the role. Sounds like she has attempted to push it by offering to pay for flower girl dresses and this has backfired. It is more usual for those roles to go to the bride's side so it was not a natural assumption.

I do think you and your mum should take a step back, all the upset and drama being created is a bit much. I'll never understand all this silliness around weddings.

I personally think that not inviting stepdad's kids is more odd as they sound like close family - although are they less close to DB?

Is there a cultural element? Just asking as I'm from an Irish Catholic family and some would not recognise an unmarried partner etc.

Oh dear! What a Pickle! I first begin by saying that it's not up to the grooms mammy to pre decide the flower girls. That's up to the bride! Hurtful though it may appear. It's a wee bit mean to exclude your girls from their uncle's wedding when her cousins children will be there as part of the wedding party. However this is not uncommon.!,It's really up to your brother to speak up on this issue. If he cant 'speak his piece 'now he is in for a helluva' bad time when he's married! I think though you and mum either need to just go to the wedding and put a happy face on things or stay away but be aware that this will without a doubt escalate feelings all around! Not sure why mums partner of only 9years would expect all of his children to be invited. Are they well known to the bride? Weddings are costly affairs. Maybe she's keeping the costs down?

@HotChocolateNotCocoa

Because some people are genuinely clueless &/or so wrapped up in their own wedding bubble that they don't realise the collateral damage they've caused.

Now it could be that they don't really care about the 'step' siblings as let's be honest, it sounds like they didn't grow up together.
Not inviting nieces comes across as pretty low. I had a child free wedding, the one exception was inviting my niece who was 2or3 at the time. Not inviting her would have been downright mean.

You are right, the bride and groom might not want these people to come or they might be clueless and might say, of course it's fine for the nieces to attend. At the moment, it sounds like OP and her family are upset and moaning about it and not talking to the groom which sounds ridiculous.

I don't quite understand your post but in what world is it normal to assume anyone is a part of q wedding when there months out they haven't been asked and it hasn't even been mentioned to them ?

Just reread... I wonder if your stepdad and DH not going is actually going to make this situation worse for you and your mum?
Maybe their protests are not as important as showing up to support you and your mum on the day, especially when you're feeling a bit wobbly.

Exactly. It seems that she isn’t very close to the OP or her children as they haven’t had any kind of conversation about this. She might well be extremely close to her cousin.

I’m staggered at the amount of people who think that a woman deciding who her flower girls are going to be at her own wedding is some kind of statement about her as a person and that anyone else has any kind of say.