To have expected my daughters to be flower girls

[Notmotherofflowergirls]

Just created an account for people to pile on to me and tell me I am an idiot. I don’t think I can tell my real friends.
I am inwardly cringing!
My brother is getting married in 3 months time to a woman with no nieces or nephews.
My mother and I naturally assumed that my two girls 4 and 6 would be the flower girls. There are no other kids in the family although stepdad has grandchildren.
My mother was feeling left out of all the planning. DB was uncommunicative about the plans and always referred us to SiL and when my mum asked to contribute she was batted away.
Finally Mum insisted that she would buy the flower girl dresses and finally brother agreed. So on Wednesday SiL posted an invoice for three flower girl dresses from a Shop in Dublin. She included a nice note saying that she mustn’t feel obliged to pay.
My mum asked who the third dress was for: it turns out all three are for her cousin’s girls.
Brother came round and said that they will be only kids at wedding.
My brother was asked point blank if he didn’t want his nieces there and all he could say was he would speak with SiL. He did look sheepish.
My dad died and while my mum has not remarried she has been with her partner for 9 years. His kids are not invited. My stepdad isn’t going and is angry that my mum has been made to feel so upset.
I feel as if I have been kicked in the guts. My mum keeps bursting into tears.
My DH says he’s ongoing either Have we overstepped? Would anyone else have made the same assumption?

The bride is inviting distant cousins who are children, but not the groom's nieces. Either have a completely child free wedding or invite all the children family members. This isn't a blended family situation as these are the groom's full blood nieces, not step nieces.

And yes the bride is being a CF because the couple didn't tell OP or OP's mum that OP's daughters aren't invited. She could've said 'oh no need to pay as I'm paying for my cousin's children's dresses. They're the only children who have been invited.' They have left it last minute to announce this.

Exactly. I asked my DH if he realised that his mother always blaming me for everything he did that she didn't like was her basically saying he was weak and spineless. He then realised how insulting it was to him personally as well.

1. you have a brother/son problem
2. see 1) Would be interested in the SIL view. No doubt from the get go she had her cousins kids picked out. No doubt your brother knew this.

Your tone is more aggressive than you think. You are coming across a bit Jeremy Kyle/Eastenders and I can only imagine how you behaved in real life about this!

When did a cousin’s children become distant cousins?!

I have cousins who are older than me and their children are around the same age as me. I have more of a relationship with them than I do my SIL. It is not out of the ordinary.

The bride did say that OP’s mum didn’t have to pay. The mum kept insisting on contributing and wouldn’t drop it. The mum could have left it alone, didn’t and offered herself to pay for them. If she was so concerned on who was going to be flower girls, and only wanting to pay for her granddaughters, she should have asked who they were before offering.

Your Mum cannot pay for the dresses! That is the most ridiculous thing ever. She needs to say that after a conversation she assumed they were for her grandchildren, not 3 other children. You need to stop being involved in this wedding, accept it will probably be the last times that you see your brother (I reckon his wife will just prefer her side of the family) and enjoy the wedding.

I am from a different culture and find this fascinating. Weddings are completely seen as a blending of friends and family. It would be unheard of not to invite your sibling’s children. All relatives are invited, and then the budget and venue adjusted down accordingly. Whilst these weddings can be far from plain sailing, I do find it a bit sad that weddings here seem to have become just about the bride and groom.

Unless there are toxic family dynamics going on, I think it is nice to have inclusive weddings with lots of different friends and family meeting each other. I would be heartbroken if my sibling did not invite my kids and vice versa.

It really is, like he’s an object that must fall under the control of someone. Anything they don’t like must be the fault of the wife, it could never be something he’s chosen to do.

If the expectation is that she manage him like he’s a toddler and it’s her responsibility to coordinate play dates with his family then I’m not surprised she’s keeping her distance from them.

I bet the bride has no idea and her fiancé is giving bare minimum information due to knowing what his mum and sister are like.

I wouldn’t be surprised if that’s the case. There’s a very good chance that she’s under the impression that they’re each dealing with their respective families, and that they’ve been told the details.

Yea, especially since they were intent on paying for the wedding themselves.

I agree with this as well. She probably has no idea how her fiance's family are feeling and what is going on there. She might not have worked out her assigned role as social secretary yet and assume DB is capable of dealing with his own family.

So all the kids were invited apart from yours?
The groom was close to your DH.
Your child is his godson.

Umm could it then possibly be you that was the reason? You don’t sound that easy to be around. 🤷🏼‍♀️

So the brother is incapable of managing a relationship with his family if his wife doesn't do it for him? If so, I'd be questioning just what gender stereotyped expectations this man is going to have of me and if it's what I want to sign up for.

No one’s ‘allowing’ or not allowing anything. Planning of any event is best done by a very small number of people and I know of very few straight men who are particularly interested in planning their weddings. Maybe the brother has opted out, maybe he’s the one who preferred a child-free wedding. He’s almost certainly the one who did not put the OP’s partners adult children on the guest list. Remember that we know these adult children are married themselves, so any invitations would have to include their respective spouses or there’d be a whole other Mumsnet thread. If they’re not that close, why should they be invited? Maybe the bride wasn’t even planning on flower girls until the groom’s mother randomly started insisting on paying for dresses. Maybe it didn’t occur to anyone in the wedding planning group that she had already appointed flower girls.
The only thing that I will allow they did wrong was not say sooner that it would be a child-free wedding. But clearly the invitations haven’t been sent out yet! Maybe they hadn’t decided until the OP, mother and stepfather started acting all histrionic.

So who is responsible for not inviting your daughters Op?

We both decided who we wanted to invite & did so.

As they say, careful what you wish on others, “Be careful what you wish for others, it just might get you.”
― Mokokoma Mokhonoana

I'm astonished that a majority of posters on the poll think the OP isn't being unreasonable. The OP's posts and take on this are one of the most childish, silly and ridiculous I've read in some time.

The bucolic vision of a TV Jane Austen adaptation. I hope the OP’s brother has a handful of coins ready to toss into the air for the surprisingly clean and well dressed little urchins.

I wouldn't be surprised if she keeps any future pregnancies low key etc and with good reason after this reaction to their wedding.

It's all a bit presumptuous.
The mother assumed the DGDs would be flowersgirls - at any point did she ask was there going to be flowergirls - if so who?

Who are the bridesmaids- my guess - the flowergirls mums.

I do think the brother is being a bit too laid back but maybe he doesn't like his own family either.
But how awkward 😬 his mum made the offer to him about flower girls dresses. He knows his own neices weren't going to be invited never mind be flowergirls. He could have spoken up but chose not to He let his partner do his dirty work.

He might be one of those men who is happy to throw his partner under the bus and let her take the blame, so he doesn't have to and everyone stays happy with him. This does not usually end well.

I'd feel completely same as you...
I am pretty close to my siblings as are we to my husbands - nieces and nephews come before cousins kids irrespective of which side bride or groom...

Have never, ever been to a wedding that has brought 2 families together. Including my own.

They're a celebration of the couple.

This isn't your wedding, it's not your mothers. You don't need to get involved. Turn up on the day, enjoy yourself and for god's sake don't sulk about your kids not being bridesmaids. It's not about you. I admit I think it's a bit mean to leave out your kids and I wouldn't do that but it's one day, who honestly cares.