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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

“Angling for help” parental sharing of nightfeeds

60 replies

Sunflower468 · 06/04/2024 04:05

I’m pissed right now. Before bedtime, when cuddling our 5 month old I jokingly said “And it would be nice if you give mummy some sleep tonight”.
As we got into bed, I said to my husband “She’s not given me much chance for a good night sleep recently” about our daughter.

This was met with my husband responding “I get the message” and when I asked what he meant he replied “You’ve been angling for it, just say you want me to do a night with her”. His tone was very moody.

For context, I’m on MAT leave and my husband works full time. Normally we both work full time and earn well to contribute towards our living. I do all of the housework and have the children at the minute (3yo and baby). He often works late and weekends (over his contracted hours) which I support him to do.

I told him to shove his “help” if that’s how he’s going to respond to me expressing that I’m tired. It’s really upset me to say I’m “angling for help” rather than just WANT to help out. I didn’t even want him to do the night, I wanted to just express my feelings to my husband and it was met with him sounding irritated rather than supportive.

He has since asked me if he can take our daughter downstairs for the night….I’ve said no. I don’t want his help if he thinks I’m nagging for it and responds acting frustrated to me expressing my feelings. He’s got angry that I’ve rejected his help.

AIBU?

OP posts:
PoppingTomorrow · 06/04/2024 04:14

I think you've cut your nose off to spite your face

Mothership4two · 06/04/2024 04:25

I expect you are both tired and irritable. It's not uncommon especially with having to do nightfeeds. You aren't wrong to feel irritated in him assuming you were passive aggressively telling him to help out, but it sounds like he tried to make up for it and you turned him down. Maybe say you have changed your mind tomorrow as you are so knackered and would like a longer sleep for one night?

ThisNiftyMintCat · 06/04/2024 05:43

You have a baby - you will both get tired and frustrated. Apologise and take a night off.

Louoby · 06/04/2024 05:52

I feel your frustration!! I had a baby in 2020 and my partner didn't once get up, even though I asked and asked. He just didn't. I did it all. Found out was pregnant when baby was 7 months old, so I then have a 16 month age gap and when my younger baby arrived, he still don't get up. Not only was I up multiple times feeding baby, my 17 month old also needed someone in the night regularly, and also woke at 5am.
So at this point, I'm in and out of bed like a yo-yo and then up at 5 with my toddler. I will never forget or forgive him for how he didn't help. For context, he worked and I was on mat leave but one early morning was all I needed. I went back to work when our youngest was 8 months old. He used to say he couldn't get up all night or early when he was working as it would make him too tired so I hoped when I went back to work, we would share it as obviously I was working too. I went back 4 full days. He still never once helped. I often went to work with around 2 hours sleep a night. No matter what I said, the arguments we had, he wouldn't do it. Like I said... it will never be forgotten 😏
If he's offering, take it. Let him be moody and at least he may appreciate what it's like being woken up hourly etc x

PermanentTemporary · 06/04/2024 06:05

It sounds as if there's a communication issue here.

I sometimes do use an indirect request for something I want but don't want to ask. It's not great and I don't defend it.

Do you ever do this? Did you perhaps react so strongly at being accused of this, because you know that you sometimes do do it, even though you actually weren't on this occasion?

And are you both knackered and losing the ability to navigate your 'usual' communication style? Not at all unusual.

I'd say find a babysitter, go to he pub for an evening and have a heart to heart about how you are both doing. Ask him about the indirect requests and try to come up with better communication ideas between you.

WhereIsMyLight · 06/04/2024 06:06

The comments do sound passive aggressive and I would get pissed off with my husband making passive aggressive remarks rather than asking. You then cut your nose off to spite your face, he offered to take the baby downstairs so you could sleep and you said no.

I don’t think YABU but I think you’re tired and easily irritated (you both are). Talk to your husband today. Explain you didn’t mean it to be passive aggressive, you can see how it can be taken that way. You really are tired and would like it if he could take the baby tonight.

The bigger thing is wanting him to help. I don’t see it as helping because that it implies it’s still your job and he’s helping you. Housework and childcare should just be shared. It’s hard when you’re on mat leave, did the housework and childcare even out when you went back to work the first time? If this is a constant sore spot in your lives, then your comments are definitely passive aggressive but he needs to start doing his share of the work.

Codlingmoths · 06/04/2024 06:48

Say yes. Say I’m sorry I snapped at your offer and actually I really would like a few hours of sleep. It’s totally different going to sleep knowing you won’t have to wake up again in 20 mins and would make a world of difference so TAKE IT!! Don’t be an idiot!!

CrispieCake · 06/04/2024 06:56

I would tell him that, yes, you would like him to do some parenting since he's a parent too and you haven't suddenly managed to invent a way to get by without sleep. And it would be nice if he managed to warm his brain cell up enough to realise this without you pointing it out to him.

And you're sorry if your comments to your baby were construed as being passive-aggressive digs at him, but surely they were better than shouting in his face, "get up, you lazy sod, and fucking do something for your kids for once."

VestibuleVirgin · 06/04/2024 07:00

Pissed or pissed off? Makes a difference to the story

Cat2024 · 06/04/2024 07:04

Even if one parent is working outside the home and one parent is on maternity leave, the weekends/ any time off, should mostly be split equally in terms of childcare in my opinion. It might be different if one of the partners was a pilot or surgeon or something similar and really needed to catch up on sleep for safety reasons but apart from that … That would be true equity. Both parents are working and contributing to the family. Maybe you could say you each get one ‘lie in’ per week?

Cat2024 · 06/04/2024 07:05

@Louoby i would find that hard to forgive and forget too. He sounds like a man child.

KatieKat88 · 06/04/2024 07:08

CrispieCake · 06/04/2024 06:56

I would tell him that, yes, you would like him to do some parenting since he's a parent too and you haven't suddenly managed to invent a way to get by without sleep. And it would be nice if he managed to warm his brain cell up enough to realise this without you pointing it out to him.

And you're sorry if your comments to your baby were construed as being passive-aggressive digs at him, but surely they were better than shouting in his face, "get up, you lazy sod, and fucking do something for your kids for once."

All of this - he should be intelligent enough to know that you both need sleep so he should be pulling his weight in the night all of the time, not just when you've reached breaking point.

DappledThings · 06/04/2024 07:11

VestibuleVirgin · 06/04/2024 07:00

Pissed or pissed off? Makes a difference to the story

This.

And I do think you're overreacting. Being passive aggressive in the way you were is never going to be helpful. Yes he should want to help and if he doesn't know the best way to should ask but don't set up an argument.

DiamondArtists · 06/04/2024 07:16

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

Sunnydays0101 · 06/04/2024 07:17

I’d be having a chat with him and say you’re sorry for ‘angling’ but here it is in plain and simple language. Things need to change, I expect you to take care of some of the night wakings and just as importantly, I expect you to do your share of the housework.

RichardsGear · 06/04/2024 07:21

VestibuleVirgin · 06/04/2024 07:00

Pissed or pissed off? Makes a difference to the story

Which is more likely - the OP has randomly hit the bottle in the small hours of the morning when she's got an unsettled 5 month old and a toddler then typed out a perfectly legible post in her drunken state, OR...she means pissed off. Do you really need to ask?!

I think you could have a discussion about him cutting back on the weekend working so you can have more of a break then. Also, he said he'd take the baby so yes, I would've let him take the baby!

RichardsGear · 06/04/2024 07:24

I guess OP might have been on a night out but seems unlikely in the context of what she's said.

RedHelenB · 06/04/2024 07:25

PoppingTomorrow · 06/04/2024 04:14

I think you've cut your nose off to spite your face

This.

DappledThings · 06/04/2024 07:26

RichardsGear · 06/04/2024 07:24

I guess OP might have been on a night out but seems unlikely in the context of what she's said.

Indeed, but it's always nice to have clear language and not swap a UK phrase for a US one when the US already has a different meaning in the UK.

crumblingschools · 06/04/2024 07:29

Just remember it is parenting not helping, you are both parents.

Universalsnail · 06/04/2024 07:34

He is unreasonable for not helping with nights as standard. You both bad a baby.

You are unreasonable for not not just telling him he has to do a feed each night and say you'll do it yourself when he's saying he'll take baby downstairs for the night.

Sunnnybunny72 · 06/04/2024 07:34

Hand her over.

Original poster
Sunflower468 · 06/04/2024 07:36

VestibuleVirgin · 06/04/2024 07:00

Pissed or pissed off? Makes a difference to the story

Pissed off. I would never drink when I have a child to look after.

OP posts:
Original poster
Sunflower468 · 06/04/2024 07:37

RichardsGear · 06/04/2024 07:24

I guess OP might have been on a night out but seems unlikely in the context of what she's said.

Absolutely not. I meant pissed off.

OP posts:
Original poster
Sunflower468 · 06/04/2024 07:45

Louoby · 06/04/2024 05:52

I feel your frustration!! I had a baby in 2020 and my partner didn't once get up, even though I asked and asked. He just didn't. I did it all. Found out was pregnant when baby was 7 months old, so I then have a 16 month age gap and when my younger baby arrived, he still don't get up. Not only was I up multiple times feeding baby, my 17 month old also needed someone in the night regularly, and also woke at 5am.
So at this point, I'm in and out of bed like a yo-yo and then up at 5 with my toddler. I will never forget or forgive him for how he didn't help. For context, he worked and I was on mat leave but one early morning was all I needed. I went back to work when our youngest was 8 months old. He used to say he couldn't get up all night or early when he was working as it would make him too tired so I hoped when I went back to work, we would share it as obviously I was working too. I went back 4 full days. He still never once helped. I often went to work with around 2 hours sleep a night. No matter what I said, the arguments we had, he wouldn't do it. Like I said... it will never be forgotten 😏
If he's offering, take it. Let him be moody and at least he may appreciate what it's like being woken up hourly etc x

This sounds very similar to me and I feel your frustration too.
I managed to get some sleep last night and reflect a little and I will speak to him - I think at the time it just felt very personal when we should both be a team.

OP posts: