“Angling for help” parental sharing of nightfeeds

[Sunflower468]

I’m pissed right now. Before bedtime, when cuddling our 5 month old I jokingly said “And it would be nice if you give mummy some sleep tonight”.
As we got into bed, I said to my husband “She’s not given me much chance for a good night sleep recently” about our daughter.

This was met with my husband responding “I get the message” and when I asked what he meant he replied “You’ve been angling for it, just say you want me to do a night with her”. His tone was very moody.

For context, I’m on MAT leave and my husband works full time. Normally we both work full time and earn well to contribute towards our living. I do all of the housework and have the children at the minute (3yo and baby). He often works late and weekends (over his contracted hours) which I support him to do.

I told him to shove his “help” if that’s how he’s going to respond to me expressing that I’m tired. It’s really upset me to say I’m “angling for help” rather than just WANT to help out. I didn’t even want him to do the night, I wanted to just express my feelings to my husband and it was met with him sounding irritated rather than supportive.

He has since asked me if he can take our daughter downstairs for the night….I’ve said no. I don’t want his help if he thinks I’m nagging for it and responds acting frustrated to me expressing my feelings. He’s got angry that I’ve rejected his help.

AIBU?

Yes, I know. See later explanation

It's hard to tell from your post but my husband sometimes does something a little like this (though with other things). These bits potentially were "angling", like a "hint hint"

And it would be nice if you give mummy some sleep tonight”.
As we got into bed, I said to my husband “She’s not given me much chance for a good night sleep recently” about our daughter.

It annoys me when my husband does this as I prefer straightforward communication and don't like hints. They seem manipulative somehow. I much prefer when my DH says eg. I need some sleep as I haven't had much can I have the lie in tomorrow. (We take it in turns).

Thank you for this. It’s really helped.
Reflecting back on last night, at the time I genuinely didn’t say those comments directly at my husband…but by looking at the comments I can see here I understand that for him it sounded like I was “angling”.

I think my response was due to the fact I very rare ask for help… as I take responsibility for my part in our marriage (being the house and kids). The angling comment cut me as I never like to ask for help.
Sleep deprivation mixed with frustration is never a good combination.

i will speak with my husband today.

Communication is key. If you want him to do a night ask him.

Thanks for your honest reply.

When I’ve reflected this morning I’ve realised that although I wasn’t asking for help with the baby - I was looking for was a bit of recognition/reassurance and I should have just asked for this at the time.

He has a point though just come out and ask him. No, tell him.

I agree there is usually something to be learned when these things happen. Possibly your communication could have been interpreted as passive aggression...in the context of both of you going through a stressful time and being knackered.

BUT you imply in your post (don't directly say) that he doesn't do anything overnight and you do it all. If this is the case then the above is a red herring. He should be doing his share. It's not 'doing you a favour' or 'helping'. IMO sleep deprivation is worse than any full time job.

ETA any woman who is doing it all while a partner gets a normal nights sleep deserves better than this and I wish people in this situation would see this.

Wow. That’s a very sweeping statement to “learn to communicate” considering:

1. Don’t know me personally
2. Have made an assumption from 1 incident where we were both tired and sleep deprived.

Others have communicated in a much kinder and empathetic way on here. Maybe you could take something from that rather than be so nasty.

Of course I didn't need to ask!
Would my point be more obvious to you if the question was phrased as;
'Why are you using a term which generally means something different in the UK than it does in America, and which can change the context of a sentence if used incorrectly?'

Why should OP apologise?

Yes sometimes I need my husband to spell out exactly what it is he wants from me. It's just a difference in communication style and you're tired so cut yourself some slack - doing a great job mama

Does he ask her every night to do all the night wakings then? No he doesn’t, because he knows she has a brain in her nut and knows her baby needs care, so why does he have to be asked? Do you think men are too thick to understand their baby also needs parenting at night? She shouldn’t need to ask, he’s a grown fucking man who should know his wife needs sleep too.

OMG.
The selfishness.
I'm gobsmacked.
When I was on maternity leave I did Sunday to Thursday night and DH did Friday and Saturday night.

'Why are you using a term which generally means something different in the UK than it does in America, and which can change the context of a sentence if used incorrectly?‘

Yes, god forbid the world doesn’t revolve around America. We’ll change the way we use our language instantly.

And as a grown woman if she’s struggling she should be able to say can you do this night. He’s working all hours she can sleep when baby sleeps. If I need my partner to do something I ask him I don’t come on mumsnet and ask the man hating brigade what ever I should do.

Thanks for the nastiness.

I didn’t want him to do the night. I said the comment about being tired to make him aware as he sleeps through everything and didn’t know I’d had some bad nights.

I cannot sleep when the baby sleeps. I have a toddler to care for. But you’ve made an assumption.
I made the post because I’m quite clearly struggling and felt that between my frustration and tiredness that perhaps my perception of the situation was biased and I wanted some open and empathetic conversation with other mums - as none of my friends or close family have young children so I have no one to speak to about it.

But sure, you go on the attack and be nasty.

@AgileMentor you have to ask your partner to be a parent?

I breastfed mine, but after feeding, they always needed a nappy change.
My husband would deal with that, and change bedding if necessary. Or wash the baby if a poonami had occurred in the middle of the night.
He was also happy to make me a drink. Because that’s what a partner is, someone who shares the load.
You have nothing to apologise for, but I do think you both need to talk about sharing the load. And no, working shouldn’t be his sole contribution.

Sometimes women don't want to ask, they just want those around them to behave like moderately considerate and thoughtful human beings.

Why should we have to ask our partners to be decent people? Why can't they do this without asking?

Are you still with him?!

No I don’t because I chose better but in general he isn’t a mind reader so if I did want him to do something I would communicate that. We’ve been together since late teens and are now in our 30s so can’t be doing much wrong.

My ex was like this and it was a big part of why we ended up divorced. My first was very unwell as a baby and sometimes did sleep at all throughout the night.

I couldn’t forgive and forget either.

I think women find selflessness a very attractive quality in a man, because it indicates he will share this duties when it comes to it.

On the actual OP, I get that you were just tired and not angling, plus even if you were he should realise it’s tiredness on your part. But equally you should accept the offer as you need sleep!

A man performing bare minimum tasks relating to a kid he chose to create is not ‘helping’
Using that word means you (general ‘you’) view parenting/household drudgery as the woman’s role and males need asked to help. Any decent man would be fully functional and actively parent and do housework as standard. Don’t settle for any less than this basic, bare minimum.

You can stop indirectly being mean to me.
Saying you “chose better” is not helpful to anyone. If anything it shows you think yourself as better than others.

If you’re not going to contribute anything other than nastiness then you can scroll on.
Strange that you didn’t reply to my previous response and just posted this.
Being mean to other women dousnt make you a better one.