“Angling for help” parental sharing of nightfeeds

[Sunflower468]

I’m pissed right now. Before bedtime, when cuddling our 5 month old I jokingly said “And it would be nice if you give mummy some sleep tonight”.
As we got into bed, I said to my husband “She’s not given me much chance for a good night sleep recently” about our daughter.

This was met with my husband responding “I get the message” and when I asked what he meant he replied “You’ve been angling for it, just say you want me to do a night with her”. His tone was very moody.

For context, I’m on MAT leave and my husband works full time. Normally we both work full time and earn well to contribute towards our living. I do all of the housework and have the children at the minute (3yo and baby). He often works late and weekends (over his contracted hours) which I support him to do.

I told him to shove his “help” if that’s how he’s going to respond to me expressing that I’m tired. It’s really upset me to say I’m “angling for help” rather than just WANT to help out. I didn’t even want him to do the night, I wanted to just express my feelings to my husband and it was met with him sounding irritated rather than supportive.

He has since asked me if he can take our daughter downstairs for the night….I’ve said no. I don’t want his help if he thinks I’m nagging for it and responds acting frustrated to me expressing my feelings. He’s got angry that I’ve rejected his help.

AIBU?

Men get away with behaving like this not because some women "choose badly" but because society is fucked and in many cases women are the fall guys left to pick up the pieces. Many men internalise the message that when the going gets tough, it's fine for them to hide under the table and leave it to someone else. Mummy/female partner will sort it.

Give over. This faux confusion isn't cute

Fully understand you are working off a very tired base.

But, there is an issue - communication. I am reading this as the father hasn't done much but is that the case or have you recently changed from breast feeding?

It is really challenging to not be frustrated when the obvious to you isn't acknowledged or worked on together. From the other side there can be fear offering "help" implies lack of confidence in your parenting. And I am sorry but the comment to the baby directed to your partner would make my teeth itch, it is passive aggressive and does not help. You shouldn't ask you should be able to discuss a fair plan to support ye both.

You both need to communicate better because the next few years are going to throw so many situations that need ye working off the same page.

May I suggest you both discuss this issue first. But I highly recommend having discussions about when baby is sick who will take leave, who will attend appointments, who will sort the bag for childminder etc. all of these are issues that can become so frustrating.

It does sound like there's a lack of communication here, but the main issue I see here is the use of the word "help".

When referring to raising your children, start using the term "actively parent" instead of help.

I.e. "I need you to actively parent the toddler right now so I can do XYZ"

"I'm feeding the baby now, so you need to actively parent the other two children."

Do not ask him to "help" you with parenting tasks. It's 50% his responsibility, by parenting he is simply doing his job, it is not a help to you.

Explain that you feel he has deferred the role of parenting to you and that you need to redefine his role as a 50/50 parent and that your change in your use of language will encourage him to recognise you are not asking him to help you with anything, you are simply asking him to do his share.

You shouldn't HAVE to ask him to actively parent, he should be using his initiative to do that, so if you are having to ask him to actively parent, he's already let himself, you and the kids down and he needs to step up.

Hopefully, over time, he will begin to be a hands-on parent and you won't have to ask him to engage. If he doesn't then you know you have a dud and you can make plans to leave.

So as a final update - we both sat down and talked it through.

I apologised for making the comments and explained whilst I was happy to do night feeds - I would appreciate some reassurance and appreciation. I recognised that I was feeling unseen for all of my efforts - and that I needed to articulate this to my husband in a clearer way.

I also apologised for not accepting his help at the time that he offered it and that I was being stubborn.

He apologised for snapping at me and being moody at the time of our argument and for taking my comments personally. He recognised that he has not been keeping his part of the housework but explained that sometimes he’s unsure of how to help because I seem to always have the housework in order. So we agreed that rather than me assuming my husband wasn’t going to do housework and him assuming I was going to do it all - we’d both agree certain jobs we’d take responsibility for in the week.

I think last night was a moment of weakness on my part - but we have been able to resolve it with healthy communication and a good cuddle ❤️

That’s great, op. Hopefully, posting on Mumsnet helped a little?

As an aside, I have been on here since my DC were born 10 years ago and there are always a mixture of helpful and erm, not so helpful replies but I have still found it useful overall. Of course, AIBU is harsher than other sections.

Really pleased for you. Hope you have a great evening/weekend! 😊

Delighted you could sit down and communicate @Sunflower468 and hoping things will get better for you.

What a cunt. How have you not divorced him? Has he got away with it?

@Sunflower468 glad you have had a chat, but please ensure language and mindset is changed, he is not helping you. I bet he doesn’t see you as helping him with the housework and night feeds, he just sees that as something you do as a member of the household and a parent.